I (24F) have been the breadwinner of my family for 7 years, since I was 17. I’ve been doing everything working nonstop, paying the bills, covering food, emergencies, and whatever else comes up. I’ve never complained because I love my family and I felt like it was my responsibility.
A few months ago, my sister and I took out a loan to fix our parents’ house. It was supposed to be a shared responsibility 50/50. I trusted her, no questions asked.
But recently, I started tracking my expenses and that’s when I realized:
I’ve been paying off the ENTIRE loan by myself.
She never told me. She let me believe we were both handling it, while I was the only one actually making payments. When I confronted her, she just said she has a lot of debts. Okay, but that doesn’t excuse dropping our shared responsibility on me without a word.
Here’s where it gets even more twisted:
Because I’m constantly coming up short (I work so much, but I have too many responsibilities), I sometimes borrow money from her just to pay off the loan the loan she’s not helping with.
So what’s happening is:
I’m the one paying the loan, but I end up borrowing money from her to do it. So in the end, I’m paying everything, and I STILL end up in debt to her.
Now she’s using that against me.
Her excuse is, “I’m short on money because you keep borrowing from me.”
Like it’s my fault she’s broke when I’m the one cleaning up the mess she left on my shoulders.
And now she’s telling me I should apply for more jobs so “we” can pay off the loan faster.
WE?
There’s no “we” here. It’s just been me. For 7 fucking years.
And yeah, I know how this goes.
Even after all this, she’ll still come to me asking for help with her personal debts.
And I used to give in because they all know I can’t stand seeing my family struggle, even when I’m the one barely surviving.
But I’m done.
I told her NO.
I told her I have a lot of debt myself. And funny enough, she won’t even let me delay paying my debt to her.
I told her I’ll pay her back but I’m only paying the loan until September. After that, I’m done. That’s it.
So tell me Reddit,
AITA for refusing to take on more jobs and finally choosing to protect myself from someone who left me to carry it all?
I know I can’t just stop paying the loan. I also know my sister won’t step up to pay her share, so I’ve decided to just finish it myself.
At this point, I don’t really have a choice anymore. But what I can do is cut ties with my sister, and even with my family for my peace of mind.
Thank you for all your advice. I’ll really take it seriously this time, because I’ve started to notice that my family doesn’t take me or my decisions seriously. And honestly, I know I’m to blame for that. I’ve let them take advantage of me for so long, thinking it was just love or responsibility.
But the truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m always the one left with nothing, emotionally and financially. I’ve sacrificed so much, and it’s never been enough for them. They always want more, and the moment I hesitate, I’m called selfish or ungrateful.
Setting boundaries is going to be really, really hard especially after being the breadwinner for 7 years. But I need to do this for myself. I need to stop surviving and start living. I owe that to me. And this time, I won’t back down.
And also, I’m from Asia, and in our culture, it’s almost automatic. If you’re the eldest, you’re expected to be the breadwinner right away. It doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not, if you’re struggling or not. it’s like a built-in responsibility you never even asked for, but are forced to carry.
And for years, I carried it without question. I gave everything I had, even when I had nothing left for myself. But now I’m realizing that just because it’s part of our culture doesn’t mean I have to lose myself in the process.
Comments
Nta. But for the love of God stop paying these people’s bills. You have your own life to live
Not the asshole. I think your parents should declare bankruptcy to help you two out instead it seems like they’re pitting you two against each other.
NTA not only would I set boundaries, but I would move so far away and leave all that behind. That’s crazy. It’s time for you to live your life.
Who gave you a loan when you were 17?
YTA. And here’s why.
you’re borrowing money from her to pay the loan. FUCK paying her back. That money… is her fucking portion of the loan.
why the fuck aren’t your parents working?
grow a fucking spine and stop
Being a doormat. Fuck. I would take advantage of you too. Since you have zero self respect.
Any money you “borrowed” from her to pay off the loan isn’t borrowed, until and unless it’s payments above and beyond what she owes on it. You’re both responsible for it, and you’re both responsible for any interest accruing, so it’s in both of your interests to keep payments up to date.
Stop being a doormat. Don’t pay her back. She actually owes you money. Get some self respect and TELL her to pay up.
Why are you paying her back at all? Whatever you ‘owe’ her should be set against the payments she defaulted on which you covered.
She’s scammed you.
NTA but you need to set some actual boundaries with this person and with the rest of your family.
NTA. You’ve carried ur family for years and your sister dumped her share of the loan on u. Refusing to work more or keep enabling her isn’t selfish it’s setting boumdaries. Good for u.
I agree with a couple others in here. I would not pay her any money back. If the money you borrowed was to help cover the loan, you don’t owe her a dime. You do not owe her a debt. I would firmly tell her that. She is acting like a spoiled child and taking advantage of you. I would also put her on blast and tell your parents about how devious she is.
NTA but why are you the breadwinner? With four adults in the house are you the only one working? Why aren’t the others working and contributing?
As for the loan – I don’t think it’s wise to say that you would only pay until September and after that it’s on them. That’s not how loans work. If your name is on it then you are responsible for the payments. If your sister defaults on payments (like I think she will) then the bank will go after both of you. Don’t screw yourself over like that. I know it sucks but out of all your responsibilities this is the one you can’t just ditch because you’re angry. Please continue paying your half of the monthly payment and let your sister figure out the rest. If you stop letting everyone use you as the family ATM then this one loan payment shouldn’t be so bad.
Thank you for all your advice. I’ll really take it seriously this time, because I’ve started to notice that my family doesn’t take me or my decisions seriously. And honestly, I know I’m to blame for that. I’ve let them take advantage of me for so long, thinking it was just love or responsibility.
But the truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m always the one left with nothing, emotionally and financially. I’ve sacrificed so much, and it’s never been enough for them. They always want more, and the moment I hesitate, I’m called selfish or ungrateful.
Setting boundaries is going to be really, really hard especially after being the breadwinner for 7 years. But I need to do this for myself. I need to stop surviving and start living. I owe that to me. And this time, I won’t back down.
And also, I’m from Asia, and in our culture, it’s almost automatic. If you’re the eldest, you’re expected to be the breadwinner right away. It doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not, if you’re struggling or not. it’s like a built-in responsibility you never even asked for, but are forced to carry.
And for years, I carried it without question. I gave everything I had, even when I had nothing left for myself. But now I’m realizing that just because it’s part of our culture doesn’t mean I have to lose myself in the process.
Don’t pay her back anything until her share of the debt is repaid. That is money owed to you now.
Don’t pay her back. Take that off of her part of the loan
I would keep borrowing money from sister until the debt is paid. Then tally up how much she is short from the shared loan. Deduct that amount from how much op “borrowed” from sister. This is kind of like forcing or tricking sister into paying her share.
Only pay her back half of what is owed
Is there some actual good reason you don’t just move on with your life and leave all this crap behind?
If the house falls in your hands or gufted to both make sure its not 50/50 . Take back the money you paid for the loan all alone.
Please go watch Million Dollar Baby.
NTA. What you “owe” her you’ll deduct from the half of the loan she owes you. Don’t give her a single cent more.
YTA for telling your sis you’ll pay her back. Tell her how much she owes on the loan and deduct what you borrowed from that. Don’t let people take advantage of your kindness. They don’t love you as much as you love them.
NTA but you’re approaching the “borrowing” all wrong. You’re not borrowing money from her to pay your debts, you’re getting her share of the loan you both took out. Switch your thinking. You’re not in debt to her. You both took out a loan you shouldn’t have and both have to pay it back.
Keep records and If she tries to say you “borrowed” money from her, show her that no, you took the money from her to fund the joint loan.
I think my first question would be the loan that was taken out to repair is her name on it or is your name on it? Because I got to be honest at this moment in time. If the loan was taken out in her name and you didn’t sign paperwork for it, I wouldn’t make another payment on it. If she’s insisting she pay you back for the money that’s already gone for it. I would write down a list of everything she says you owe her then I would take a total list of all the payments made on the loan that was not in your name. I would deduct that from it and tell her well. The loan was never in my name. I was never responsible for it. I’m the only one that’s made payments on it and I actually borrowed money from you to be able to make what I thought was my half of the payments on it and now I find out you haven’t paid a penny except all that money you lent me to make the payments which you should have been making. So it’s like this you say I owe you $ xxx but the payments I’ve made on a loan come to$ xxxxx so it looks to me like actually I don’t have to pay you a penny. And since you made a deal that we’d pay $50.50 and you’ve chose not to pay a penny, I don’t see why I should be paying a penny on it. You took it out in your name. It’s your problem from now on. I’m not dealing with it anymore. I have more than enough things on my plate and I don’t see why I need to work more hours to pay off something you didn’t have been lying to me about.
I would then start taking the money every cent you can and putting it in a bank account and a different bank that nobody knows about and family or not. You’ve given up 7 years of your life trying to do this. I think it’s time that you start creating a fund. Have a life of your own
I know family’s important to carry everything for this long and then have family actually lie to you
I have to be honest. I think I would just walk away. Leave them with the mess. Let somebody else step up. Let them figure it out. Let them realize how much you’ve done for how long because right now they apparently have no gratitude. You’ve done it so long. You’re expected to do it and I’m sorry but it’s time you at least were appreciated for your efforts and not told to work harder and pay more. That’s that’s crap. I’m sorry but you are not a member of the family. You are not the sole support of the family. You’re the family slave and Lincoln freed the slaves and it’s time to get your freedom. They’ll figure it out. They’ll get more jobs. It’s their problem
Stop paying for your family. See a financial advisor and find out how to lower your debt. There has to be a way to do that and move out seriously.
I wouldn’t be paying her anything and keep all the records that you paid it all so when or if the house gets sold you can get your money back.
Is the loan under your name only?
NTA
NTA. That doesn’t make sense. She has too much debt but has enough money to lend you to pay off the debt? No. I would tell her that I consider her “loan” to you to be her portion of paying off the actual loan. I hate to tell you that if your name is on the loan and no one pays, it’s still your debt and your consequences. Unless you are helping pay for people who are disabled, stop paying for them. If you feel guilty, give them a month to get jobs. Let them know you will only pay for one more month. You are still pretty young but what happens if you get ill or injured? Who helps you? You need to start living your life to take care of your present self and future self. Also, stop talking to these people and trying to get them to see things from your perspective or to be fair. They won’t and everytime you try to, they use it as a chance to manipulate you. Start protecting your self interest and get untangled from their wants and needs. How did they all manage before you were their solution?
I don’t feel sorry for you at all. Your martyr syndrome…give till it hurts is a choice. Unfortunately it will take you very long to becoming homeless to figure it out. Your sister abusing you is just another opportunity for you to play the victim card.
I pray at some point you learn“No” is a whole sentence.
But I fear till you’re living in your car or a shelter you won’t stop.
Maybe you learn when you come-sign a loan you are actually legally assuming the ultimate responsibility for the whole loan. Sad.
So if you are “borrowing” money from your sister for the loan, isn’t that her basically paying her fair share and you owe her nothing back? Track what she’s supposed to have paid, she probably still owes YOU money. NTA. Take care of yourself.
You’re a doormat. Your family just walk all over you and you do NOTHING about it.