I’m a newly graduated doctor, having just started my internship. The hospital is rural and unfortunately an hour and a half away (w/out traffic), meaning I have to make the drive every morning, which many other interns do also.
On the first day another intern (never met him before) approached me and asked if I’d be able to give him lifts because he heard from another colleague who’s a friend of mine that we live close to each other. I didn’t really feel comfortable about it, but wanted to be polite and agreed.
The day after in the car the dude turned out to be alright, but I explained to him my hesitance to give him lifts almost everyday for the next year – firstly, as interns, we don’t really come in on the same time everyday, it depends on the department. Sometimes I have to leave the house at 5am, sometimes at 6am. We also don’t have shifts on the same days and even if we do, it’s not guaranteed that we’ll leave at the same time – again, different departments, different rules on when the work is finished and how flexible the rules are for interns. I just don’t want to feel dependent on when he finishes or keep going back and forth in texts every day like “are you done yet”. He replied that he understands and that I don’t have to wait for him, just take him whenever it’s convenient for me. Still, I can imagine that there will be numerous days when out of politeness I’ll have to wait “just 15 minutes” when I wanna be getting home.
Secondly, I use the drive as a bit of a private time. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, call around my family members who live far to have a chat and stay in contact. I’d rather not have a stranger listen in.
He was visibly upset but said he understands. On the subsequent days my colleagues have been giving me shit for being an asshole and not wanting to help out. I understand that his inconvenience of having to depend on buses that take 2 hours of driving + 40 minutes of walking and are only every 2 hours (they run between 5am and 6pm) are much bigger than mine, but I feel like it’s not really my problem that he doesn’t have a driving licence yet chose this hospital for his internship.
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I’m a newly graduated doctor, having just started my internship. The hospital is rural and unfortunately an hour and a half away (w/out traffic), meaning I have to make the drive every morning, which many other interns do also.
On the first day another intern (never met him before) approached me and asked if I’d be able to give him lifts because he heard from another colleague who’s a friend of mine that we live close to each other. I didn’t really feel comfortable about it, but wanted to be polite and agreed.
The day after in the car the dude turned out to be alright, but I explained to him my hesitance to give him lifts almost everyday for the next year – firstly, as interns, we don’t really come in on the same time everyday, it depends on the department. Sometimes I have to leave the house at 5am, sometimes at 6am. We also don’t have shifts on the same days and even if we do, it’s not guaranteed that we’ll leave at the same time – again, different departments, different rules on when the work is finished and how flexible the rules are for interns. I just don’t want to feel dependent on when he finishes or keep going back and forth in texts every day like “are you done yet”. He replied that he understands and that I don’t have to wait for him, just take him whenever it’s convenient for me. Still, I can imagine that there will be numerous days when out of politeness I’ll have to wait “just 15 minutes” when I wanna be getting home.
Secondly, I use the drive as a bit of a private time. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, call around my family members who live far to have a chat and stay in contact. I’d rather not have a stranger listen in.
He was visibly upset but said he understands. On the subsequent days my colleagues have been giving me shit for being an asshole and not wanting to help out. I understand that his inconvenience of having to depend on buses that take 2 hours of driving + 40 minutes of walking and are only every 2 hours (they run between 5am and 6pm) are much bigger than mine, but I feel like it’s not really my problem that he doesn’t have a driving licence yet chose this hospital for his internship.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refusing to give lifts to someone who really needs them because it’s personally problematic for me
2. The fact that it’s a much bigger problem for him to travel than me just accepting to give him lifts
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This person chose a rural internship, chose to live 90 minutes’ drive from the hospital…and chose not to get a drivers license and car?
Their bad choices do not create a problem or obligation for you.
You owe them nothing.
NTA.
I’m going to very lightly say YTA.
You just need to set clear boundaries. On days where your schedules line up within 15 minutes of each other, give him the ride. Figure out the cost in gas and ask him to share the cost. (Don’t nickel and dime. Keep a running tab, round it, and collect every time it hit $40, to pick an arbitrary number.)
I get the need for me time. BUT…
We live in a society with other people. Our coworkers are future references, perhaps even future friends. These are people you will be close to for a significant period of time. It is in your best interest to help a little, especially when with the right boundaries, this costs you next to nothing.
NTA. Shut that noise down.
You are not the AH imo. I commute only 30 minutes and have the same stance as you, that’s my relaxing time. My most important reason is i don’t want to have to deal with getting up even earlier to wait for someone else, when you signed up for my job you agree you had transportation. Don’t try and put that burden on me. In addition my shifts are normally fixed, but as a lead hand I’m sometimes needed to do extra work or run the shift which requires me coming in early and staying a little late. I just tell them no. If they need the one off ride now and then that’s totally fine, but I’m not interested in carpooling. You are NOT responsible for this other person, they are. Not sure if this helps at all.
NTA Carpooling only works if it’s mutually beneficial to everyone. Otherwise, while eco-friendly, it’s a huge pain in the backside to the driver whose morning and evening commutes and routines (winding up/winding down) are altered.
NTA. If you didn’t live near him he’d have to figure it out on his own. I think it’s fine to offer a ride once in a while if you know you have the bandwidth, aren’t pressed for time, etc, but on the whole he just needs to plan for himself. He has options like moving closer instead of spending so much on bus fare. Using you as a ride is the most convenient for him, so no wonder he is disappointed. I know it’s tough. My son is doing a residency in Iowa this year and living in a pretty crappy rental because it’s close to work and what he can afford. You’ve got enough going on. Be kind when you can, but don’t take on problems that really aren’t yours. Good luck!
NTA, it’s your car, he was asking for a favor, you refused that’s all fine. But it is a little selfish to not even be open to be helpful even if it’s just every now and then. Even if it’s just a “text me if you can give me a ride” kind of deal. That’s a real bad commute the guy has and it would be nice if he got a ride every now and again. But you’re right that it isn’t your problem. You’re perfectly justified and don’t have to be the nice helpful guy.
You are right, this is 100% his problem. He made his choices & these are the consequences. I hate when ppl rely on another person to get them to their job. It’s so stressful. I would just tell him you will do it occasionally, but only if you’re leaving at the same time & you will not wait for him to be done. And fuck everyone who is saying you’re an AH. You’re not. This guy is the AH. He should have the awareness that this is inconvenient for you & stressful for him to rely on you. But, yeah, I wouldn’t wait for 1 second if I was leaving & he wasn’t ready.
Carpooling can be great IF you had the same schedule, and it can be great to occasionally “bless” someone with an easier time. However, it comes with a loss of downtime, plus the stress of having to communicate if either of you get delayed. I personally hate making people wait for me, so if my work day ran longer than expected, I’d be panicking. Definitely NTA.
NTA. Sometimes carpooling just doesn’t work. At least three people in my office live within five minutes of each other. Carpooling would make us all leave for work at 6 am and get home around 6:30 pm due to work load and project needs. There’s no way that would make any of us happy. It sucks that we can’t make it work, but I want to see my family during daylight hours.
He can move closer to work
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkey.
NTA.
NTA for not doing it, although Y T A for agreeing. It was someone you didn’t know, and I would think it common sense that interns in a hospital don’t have exact 9 to 5s.
Also, your use of “intern” instead of “resident,” makes me think you aren’t from the US? Did he actually “choose” this hospital? Did he have a bunch of closer options?
NTA
You do not have to justify your reasons for saying ‘no’ (although you had several perfectly reasonable ones). You are not responsible for him. Your friends/colleagues can volunteer their own time and resources if they feel it’s ‘the right thing to do’ to help the guy out.
What they do not get to do is (1) decide that you are the best (and therefore only) solution to the guy’s challenge, (2) decide that it’s OK for you to sacrifice your time and privacy and convenience but it’s too much for them to drive 10 minutes more than you, or (3) decide that their values/sensibilities apply to how you live your life and that that you have any obligation to make this guys life easier (despite the fact that he chose this rural location and chooses not to drive).