I (19F) still live at home with my parents while I attend college. I pay for my own tuition and contribute to household expenses when I can, but since my school is local, living at home saves me a ton of money.
Recently, my older sister (27F) and her two kids (5M & 3F) moved back in after her divorce. She’s struggling financially, and my parents are letting her stay here rent-free until she gets back on her feet. I get that it’s a tough situation, and I’ve been helping out with the kids when I can.
The issue is that my parents want me to give up my bedroom so my sister’s kids can have their own space. We have a small house, and my sister is already taking the guest room, so the kids are currently sleeping with her. My parents think it would be better for them to have their own room and are asking me to move to the couch or “make do” by squeezing into their office space.
I said no. I’ve lived here my whole life, and this is still my home. I need my own space, especially since I have a heavy college workload. I don’t see why I should be the one to sacrifice my room when this situation isn’t my fault. My sister is upset, saying her kids are uncomfortable, and my parents are disappointed in me for “not being more understanding.” Now the whole house is tense, and I’m wondering if I’m being selfish.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to give up my bedroom for my sister’s kids, even though my parents and sister think I should. They believe I’m being selfish and not considering the comfort of my niece and nephew. I might be the asshole because I’m prioritizing my own space over their needs, even though they’re young and in a tough situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
> My parents think it would be better for them to have their own room
They should be telling the failed parent that.
> move to the couch or “make do” by squeezing into their office space.
So she has options!
Well, if we are being totally honest, you are an adult, and it’s not your house.
It is however unfair to you. I think ultimately your parents shouldn’t expect that of you. You’re not an asshole for not giving up your privacy as an adult so KIDS can have privacy they really don’t need.
IF You are working, going to school, and contributing to household expenses, then no. You are a part of the household and do your part.
Now your sister and her kids deserve some sympathy, but kids that young will not feel uncomfortable without a room. Make it a special sleep over in the living room for them. They just do not need the space like you do for rest, school work, and decent sleep.
NAH, but let the kids "make do" with the office space. This sounds like a difficult situation, with no good answers.
NTA- your sister should sleep in the office space.
NTA. Couldn’t your parents move to the couch and office and give up their bedroom?
NTA.
You are contributing financially to the house while paying your own way through college – your parents agreed to let three additional bodies move into an already full space. Your sister presumably also grew up in that house, so knew that there were three bedrooms – two of which were occupied. Either she makes do with three people in her room or
finds a way to compensate you for the loss of a room.Actually, fuck that. Why can’t two kids squeeze into the office? It would probably be much roomier for two children than an adult to sleep in.I’d hold firm on this one. Tell them that while you are contributing to the house financially, and still attending college, you are not in a place to give up your room. If your parents feel strongly enough that the kids need their own space, perhaps they should help your sister out with rent on a two-bedroom apartment.
NTA. You know who should "make do" by squeezing in somewhere? The person who arrived with two children. You’re a college student and you need your room for studying.
Nta ask your parents if they can move on the couch. You need your room to study and relax. Just bc her marriage failed and she has kids doesn’t mean she’s entitled.
Wouldn’t it be easier to ‘squeeze’ small children into the office space?
NTA
NTA. You are going to school, you need a room to work and to refresh.
Your sister can give her room to her kids and go to sleep in the sofa. She’s the one needing to put her shit together for her family.
Or you parents can give up their room if giving a room to the kids is that important. Why do you need to be the one doing the sacrifice?
NTA on principle but I will also say this: you might want to reconsider if this is a hill you wanna die on, because your parents could potentially wind up deciding to just kick you to the couch anyways or make you move out entirely.
NTA Between you and your sister, it seems like she should be the one to take the couch or office space if her kids are uncomfortable sharing a room with her.
Is there any chance this is your parents trying to nudge you out of the house so that they can focus on getting your sister and her kids back on their feet?
The kids can have the office. Or mum can have the office and the kids mums room.
you need your space for doing uni work which is important.
how long is sister planning on staying.
Why can’t the kids use the office?
NTA
Why can’t sister sleep in the office and give the kids the guest room?
NTA – No one’s stopping your sister from taking the couch and giving her kids the guest room. They are HER responsibility after all.
No one is stopping your parents from taking the couch and giving the kids THEIR bedroom.
There’s 2 options that don’t involve forcing you out of your bedroom. What’s stopping THEM from sacrificing? Oh right, it’d be an inconvenience, and it’s easier to inconvenience others rather than suffer themselves.
How about your sister take the couch and let thw kids have the room she’s using? Why are you expected to be the one sleeping on the couch?
NTA. If this is actually a temporary situation, then either their mother can sacrifice for the kids’ comfort or your parents can give up their space for them.
NTA. Maybe suggest they set up a fort in the living room? The kids can have fun, get their own space, you don’t get forced out of your room,.and the kids can have a little fun in what has to be a traumatic situation for them.
NTA – Why isn’t your sister making due? squeezing into the office space and give HER room to HER kids.
Been here. Was living with my father after a separation from my now ex-wife. Once my sister and her husband lost their job, I got kicked out of my room and sent to the unfinished basement. You’re NTA, but prepare for the shitty guilt trip that comes with standing your ground.
Tell them sure I’ll sleep on the couch rent free and without contributing just like my 27 year old sister. Tell them I will no longer help with the kids and everyone has to be out of your new bedroom by 5pm and in there rooms quiet so you can study.
I mean I’m all seriousness why isn’t your sister giving up the guest room and sleeping on the couch so her kids can have the bedroom. I mean she’s the one not bringing anything but neediness to the home. Your family sucks!!!
NTA. Your sister could make due with the office and give her kids the guest room.
NTA sister is the one bringing 3 extra people to the situation — she can sleep in the office while the children get the room that she’s in.
I am kind of getting a feeling that your parents are ready for you to move out.
Nta. Sister can sleep in office or couch
NTA-
She’s already being massively helped out by being given a low cost place in a time of need. If anyone should be sacrificing a bedroom for the kids it’s her. She is the one who should be bending over backward to accommodate everyone else pitching in to help her.
If it comes to you having to move out of your room, just move out of the house. Rent a room with some friends or find on campus housing. Don’t let them cram you into a corner and then still expect you to pay rent, do chores, and pick-up the slack on her childcare.
Bunk beds in the office. If the office would work for you then it will work for the kids. Finding those beds used will not be a problem.
NTA- your older sister can “make do” and squeeze into the office space. It’s a mother’s job to sacrifice her comfort for her children’s, not guilt someone else into it.
NTA
Her kids are uncomfortable because of her choices, not yours. Surely the neigbors can sleep in a tent and make their house available and the kids would be very comfortable. But the neigbors are not ah’s for not doing that.
Your parents are quick to volunteer your room… because they agree with you. They do not want to give up their own room either. Thank them for agreeing with you!
The situation is not of your doing, and the more comfortable your sister is, the longer it will take to get back on her feet. She’s got a free room and a roof over her head. She has a lot to be grateful for without creating problems and interfering with your education and your future.
NTA- your sister can move to the couch and let the kids take the guest room.
NTA, they can turn their office space into the kids room if it’s acceptable for an Adult with responsibilities then it should be more then enough space for the kids and if that means no more office your parents can ‘make do’ as it was their decision to let her move back in.
Why can’t your sister take the couch? They are her kids after all.
NTA. Why can’t the kids squeeze into the office? You need your room. Or sister can go in the couch. She is one entitled person!
NTA you have to have a quiet place to study. I don’t understand why this was even suggested to you.
Sister can move to the office and her kids can share the guest room.
NTA. Hell no is right.
Do not give up your space. It leaves you with none and you need something private living with all these people.
Stay calm and logical, and don’t get emotional or loud. People stop listening when you get loud.
Say something like…
“I have a great deal of empathy for the tight space that you guys are in. Please understand that I only have my room and I need the space to study, and to have a spec of privacy. I fully support you being here, but 3 extra people in the house has already been a big adjustment. It simply isn’t fair to ask me to essentially give up having any space. I do not just use my room for sleeping. It is where I do everything. I suggest that we convert the living room into more of a bedroom/community room. We can move things around and get creative, but I’m not moving out of my space. “
Lastly. Is your room bigger than the guest room, where maybe you offer to switch rooms, taking the smaller space and giving them a bit more room to stretch out, but that would be the only compromise I would be willing to make.
Put bunkbeds in the "office" and let the kids sleep there.
NTA. Why can’t your sister sleep on the couch / office, so the children can have the bedroo., if she and your parents feel that’s the priority?
NTA – tell them that your sister should move to the couch and let her kids have the guest room. If they don’t like that, then ask your parents to move to the couch instead and give the kids their room. Why should you have to move out of YOUR room when you’re still in school?
Info: Why isn’t your sister being asked to give up her room? What gives her more of a need than you ?
Or why can’t she squeeze into the office space?
NTA. The solution is clearly for your sister to squeeze into their office space (which is apparently doable, since they want you to do it) and for the kids to get the guest room as their space. Easy peasy.
I’ll just say no. This isn’t your fault so you shouldn’t be punished.
The kids should stay in mom’s room. Helps make it less permanent anyway
This question can’t really be answered without clarification of what “when I can” actually means. Unless you’re a rent paying tenant/ roommate there really isn’t any hierarchy in play. Homeowners’ rules.
She can take the office and give the kids the guest room
Why can’t the office furniture go in the living room (or other communal space) and they kids take the office? Bunk beds are cool to kids?
NTA but get real. If your parents and your sister would gang up on you you might need to move out.
I understand that living with parents saves a ton but this is precisely why many choose not to.
NTA. Toddlers don’t need privacy. Adults do. Period.
They want you to move out. Take the hint
NAH. You are right to feel this is unfair- from your perspective, you are doing everything “right” and being punished by a someone else’s complicated life.
But, you don’t own the home and unfortunately you don’t make the rules. It is your parents home, and now that their children are 18+ years old, they have no obligation to you or your sister. They have decided to re-arrange room assignments. So that’s what it is. You are free to choose to move out I suppose.
I don’t know the square footage of the various rooms, but if I assume that your bedroom is larger than the guest bedroom, they could be assessing based on sq ft per person.
For example:
Primary bedroom is 14×14=196 for 2 people: 98 sqft per person.
Your bedroom: 12×10=120 for 1 person: 120 sqft per person
Guest bedroom: 10×10=100 for 3 people: 33 sqft per person
Office: 10×10=100 for 0 people: wasted space
So by moving 2 of the 3 people from the small room to the medium room, and the 1 person from the medium room to another small room, it is more balanced.
Additionally, while it feels that you are facing negative consequences for your sisters life situation, consider the compassionate perspective: you have a bright future and are on an upward trajectory. Your sister is probably at one of the lowest points she has ever been at, and is struggling to even figure out how she can re-build her life, much less take action, all while trying to remain strong in front of 2 kids who she never has privacy from due to sharing rooms. Meanwhile, the two kids that are ACTUALLY KIDS, not legal adults, have lost their rooms. And their home. And their family as they know it. Maybe their school and friends. Maybe their father. Through no fault of their own. Grandma and grandpa are doing a lot to try to help the three of them recover, and are asking you, who is stable and likely doesn’t spend much time at home each day, and honestly is likely moving out soon anyway, to please do something minor in the grand scheme of things to help your sister and your nieces and nephews.
Again, you are right to your feelings, but consider the whole picture here.
Edit: typos
NTA. This happened to me when I was 16 and my older brother and his wife and my then 2 year old niece moved to my childhood home because he got a discharge from the Army and they decided they didn’t want to stay in Ohio. They took over my room and I was relegated to the sofa for 6 months. It was fucking miserable. It affected my physical health because it was difficult to get a good night’s sleep on the sofa. My mental health for what I think obvious reasons. And finally it started to affect my schoolwork because I didn’t have enough space and peace to get my work done as I needed. Once my dad saw the extent to which I was being negatively impacted, he gave them a month to get their own place. On the day they moved out, they didn’t even say THANK YOU to my parents or to me.
It sucks your sister is having problems, but you are no less ypur parent’s child than your sister, and you aren’t the cause of her problems. If anyone should take the coach or the office, it’s your sister. It’d be right and proper for her to make that sacrifice for her kids. Ypu shouldn’t be expected to throw yourself under the bus for your sister and niblings. It’s your home that you’ve continued living in, she left and has come back with problems and 2 minors to care for. She is in no position to make demands, and it’s shitty of your parents to treat you like this
The kids are 5 and 3 they aren’t uncomfortable your sister is
NTA – I suspect it’s time for you to have a grown up conversation with your parents.
Points to cover:
1a. If it’s not a short term stay, then what arrangements will be made so that I can comfortably study without distractions from the kids.
What consideration has been given to sister or sister’s kids moving into the office space? If this is deemed to be unacceptable, why is it then acceptable for me?
Be prepared to offer more contributions to secure your room. If your parents are adamant it may be time to consider moving into halls, dorms, or a shared apartment. At least then your space is valued and you can’t be suckered into free babysitting.
What about this – the person who has the office moves it to their bedroom and the kids get the office? If it is smaller than the guest room, sister takes the office and kids get the guest room. The idea is to accommodate everyone and not dump the burden on one person (you). Adding 3 people to a home is huge – your sister will complain, but everyone can then have personal space.
Not your house and therefore not your choice.
You’re an adult so time to act like one.
Move into school housing or get an apartment if you want your own space. If you’re not willing to do that, then take the office.
I’m going to say YTA. Similar situation happened to my family and I. I gave up my room so the kids could have it. I slept in the living room. Just got an air mattress. I didn’t even think about it twice. As an adult it was easy for me to adjust. The kids didn’t know any better. And before anyone says anything I was going to work full time, contributing to the house, and working on my teaching credential. I finished my credential and became a teacher so I’m very busy and could have used net space, but my sister was in a difficult situation with two kids and me giving up my room was the least I could do to help. After my sister got back on her feet things went back to normal. It was only temporary and not forever.
Totally TA. It isn’t your house.
Sounds like your parents want you out. You have no clue what it’s like to have kids and be in a tough spot and your parents can relate to your sister because they have kids.
Sometimes when I read these AITA threads I feel like I am a participant in an Asch experiment where 90% of the commenters are confederates deliberately giving the wrong answer. This is one of those threads.
When all is said and done, it’s still your parents house and not yours, it sucks, do what you want but understand that consequences are real. Especially if it’s only a short visit.
As much as I want to pick up my torch and tell you to tell them to fluff off, know that this is their house and if they want to they could kick you out. Stand your ground by any means necessary, but sit them down and lay it out for them. How you’re feeling, how this will ultimately affect your life and schooling, and what message their pushing has sent to you; that you (and by extension your money) is not important. You say you help with finances, don’t say that. Call it rent. You’re renting your room from them. If they kick you out of the room( and they can try), you’ll no longer be paying rent for it. If they kick you out of the house, they’ll have lost all respect from you AND the rent money you have been supporting them with.
And start covering your bases. See if any friends can help you out, see if you can get on with on campus housing. Maybe taking a step away from your family at this time will be beneficial to your peace.
Like, seriously? U pay bills and go to college, and they want u on the couch? That’s wild. They need to figure out another solution, not displace the kid who’s actually contributing. Your sister’s situation sucks, but that doesn’t mean ur comfort has to go out the window. Maybe suggest bunk beds for the kids in the guest room, or look into temporary housing solutions for her that don’t involve u sleeping on the couch. It’s not ur fault, and they need to respect that.
It’s not your job to sacrifice your comfort for your sister’s situation. They’re making you responsible for their lack of space, which is unfair. Your sister and her kids are guests, you live there. They need to find a different solution, not make you sleep on the couch.
Yta
You’re still thinking like a child. This is your parent’s house, not yours. You have no rights whatsoever.
Your parents may extend generosity towards you, but they certainly don’t have to and you have no entitlement to their home.