hi everyone! so, i moved away from home about 2 years ago! i used to live with my dad in my childhood home, and have since then moved to the capital of our state to live with my aunt to pursue college, since my hometown and didn’t have a lot of options. since i left, my dad got his girlfriend pregnant, and after 18 years of living as an only child, i became an older sister last year. now, my baby sister sleeps in my old bedroom and her mom obviously sleeps with my dad. i have only visited twice since she was born.
now, one very important detail that i have not yet mentioned is that my mom is dead, and his girlfriend is pretty jealous of her. she made my dad hide all of my mom’s photos and hates everything that has to do with her, and last time i was there i found out a bunch of my things are also hidden, from old pictures to furniture, so i’m pretty sure she’s not fond of me. i tried to talk to my dad about this and he tried to tell me it was just because the pictures and their frames were old, so he clearly thinks i’m stupid. the house is so different now, and even though there was not one, but TWO spare rooms (one also being right next to their bedroom), my dad gave my room to the baby.
my dog still lives with him, and i have friends that miss me, but i can’t stand going back. my dad thinks i’m being selfish and avoiding him and my sister, but i just can’t stand to be there and know that a few years ago, i called that house a home. it feels bad and weird and i hate it, but i feel like maybe i should sacrifice my comfort i order to spend some time with my friends and family? it’s not like his gf is mean to me or anything, we’re both cordial to each other, maybe i just don’t like seeing my dad have the second chance on life that i wanted to have with my mom.
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hi everyone! so, i moved away from home about 2 years ago! i used to live with my dad in my childhood home, and have since then moved to the capital of our state to live with my aunt to pursue college, since my hometown and didn’t have a lot of options. since i left, my dad got his girlfriend pregnant, and after 18 years of living as an only child, i became an older sister last year. now, my baby sister sleeps in my old bedroom and her mom obviously sleeps with my dad. i have only visited twice since she was born.
now, one very important detail that i have not yet mentioned is that my mom is dead, and his girlfriend is pretty jealous of her. she made my dad hide all of my mom’s photos and hates everything that has to do with her, and last time i was there i found out a bunch of my things are also hidden, from old pictures to furniture, so i’m pretty sure she’s not fond of me. i tried to talk to my dad about this and he tried to tell me it was just because the pictures and their frames were old, so he clearly thinks i’m stupid. the house is so different now, and even though there was not one, but TWO spare rooms (one also being right next to their bedroom), my dad gave my room to the baby.
my dog still lives with him, and i have friends that miss me, but i can’t stand going back. my dad thinks i’m being selfish and avoiding him and my sister, but i just can’t stand to be there and know that a few years ago, i called that house a home. it feels bad and weird and i hate it, but i feel like maybe i should sacrifice my comfort i order to spend some time with my friends and family? it’s not like his gf is mean to me or anything, we’re both cordial to each other, maybe i just don’t like seeing my dad have the second chance on life that i wanted to have with my mom.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i refuse to go to my hometown unless strictly needed. i have places to stay, but i still do not go. there are people dear to me that still live there, miss me, and are not able to visit me often or at all. i am putting my own comfort and feelings above my love for them and that may make me the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA! It IS YOUR home, he made a lot of changes without asking, and is acting like a coward and a bully. You are not his property. You deserve respect.
NTA. Make your visits short. Is there a guest bedroom for you? Should you maybe take some if yoyr photos, mother’s things from the house?
NAH. You’re under no obligation to visit anyone, but they’re not obligated to keep their house a shrine either. Like, if you don’t even live there, how exactly did they “give your room away”?
NTA. This a huge change though, and I think you can give yourself some grace to navigate it as you see fit. You’re in college and life is going to continue to pull you in new and interesting directions. Take this untethering as an opportunity to study abroad, or get an internship in a state you’ve never been to before. And you don’t necessarily need to go home to see your dad. He can come see you, you both could travel to some other city.
NTA.
You need to talk to your dad and if you worry he’ll dismiss/minimize what you have to say, I would start by writing him a letter. Keep it brief so your message gets through. Don’t make it about her or your dad will automatically focus on defending her. Make it about you and your feelings.
“Dad, I don’t feel like I have a home anymore. I get the feeling you think I’m avoiding you and my sister, but I feel like you have shut me out of a home. My things are hidden, my room has been given away, all memories of my mother are gone, and I don’t buy the excuse you gave me that “they’re old.” They’re part of what make the house my home. I’m happy you have a chance at happiness but don’t understand why you can’t even try to include me.”
> but i feel like maybe i should sacrifice my comfort i order to spend some time with my friends and family?
Absolutely not, but it doesn’t have to be either/or – you can spend time with your friends without staying at your Dad’s house, and – while he might not be happy about it – you can invite your Dad to meet up outside the house too.
You’re an adult, he’s an adult, you can ask him out to dinner. Or lunch. Or coffee. Or for a walk, or whatever.
You can invite people to visit you in the city where you live, or you can go ‘home’ but stay with a friend.
You’ll know better exactly what’s possible, but there’s no in-principle reason why your options have to be limited to just your Dad’s house or cutting everyone off.
You might be being a jerk to people other than your nuclear family if you have friends that want to see you and can offer you a spare room or a sufficiently comfortable couch. (But I’d like to know if they could visit you before beginning to assess that)
I would want to ask about the size between your old room and the spare rooms before I had any opinion on the baby being in there, and also the distance between that room and the master bedroom (with such a small child in it). As for the pictures of your mother and what not going away I can kind of understand that from her point of view unless it is literally all of them, and for any of the pictures that are yours I would wonder why you didn’t take them
Do a short visit, take your dog and don’t return for the foreseeable future.