I (33M) used to be married to my best friend “Callie” (33F). I’m gay, she’s a lesbian. We grew up in a conservative town in the Deep South where coming out wasn’t really an option. So when we were 20, we got married. It was a way to avoid questions and stay safe.
We moved out of state a few years later, got divorced soon after. There was no drama; we were always just friends, and we’ve stayed close. We still hang out regularly.
I recently married my husband, Miguel (30M). A couple months later, Callie married her wife, Bree (34F). Both weddings were low-key, and while Miguel and Bree aren’t close, they’re friendly enough when we’re all together.
A week ago, Callie suggested the four of us take a trip together as a kind of double honeymoon. She thought it would be meaningful since we’ve known each other for so long and have been through a lot together. She had a couple destinations in mind and said it could be fun to celebrate this new chapter side by side.
I told her I appreciated the thought, but Miguel and I weren’t really comfortable with that. We’re planning a small trip for just the two of us, and we’d rather keep it that way. It’s not personal, it’s just something we want to experience privately.
Callie didn’t take it well. She said it felt like I was distancing myself now that I got what I wanted, and brought up how we had each other’s backs for years. I told her I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I think we’re allowed to want our own space as a couple.
Now things are a little tense. Bree messaged me to say she gets it, but Callie’s upset and feels like I brushed her off.
I’m wondering now if I was too blunt or if I should’ve handled it differently. AITA for not wanting to do a double honeymoon?
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I (33M) used to be married to my best friend “Callie” (33F). I’m gay, she’s a lesbian. We grew up in a conservative town in the Deep South where coming out wasn’t really an option. So when we were 20, we got married. It was a way to avoid questions and stay safe.
We moved out of state a few years later, got divorced soon after. There was no drama; we were always just friends, and we’ve stayed close. We still hang out regularly.
I recently married my husband, Miguel (30M). A couple months later, Callie married her wife, Bree (34F). Both weddings were low-key, and while Miguel and Bree aren’t close, they’re friendly enough when we’re all together.
A week ago, Callie suggested the four of us take a trip together as a kind of double honeymoon. She thought it would be meaningful since we’ve known each other for so long and have been through a lot together. She had a couple destinations in mind and said it could be fun to celebrate this new chapter side by side.
I told her I appreciated the thought, but Miguel and I weren’t really comfortable with that. We’re planning a small trip for just the two of us, and we’d rather keep it that way. It’s not personal, it’s just something we want to experience privately.
Callie didn’t take it well. She said it felt like I was distancing myself now that I got what I wanted, and brought up how we had each other’s backs for years. I told her I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I think we’re allowed to want our own space as a couple.
Now things are a little tense. Bree messaged me to say she gets it, but Callie’s upset and feels like I brushed her off.
I’m wondering now if I was too blunt or if I should’ve handled it differently. AITA for not wanting to do a double honeymoon?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s a Honeymoon and you’re probably planning on having sex. Having other people there will be a cockblock.
NTA it’s your honeymoon it’s private
Can you do a honeymoon and then also take a trip the four of you and just not call it a honeymoon? Because the fact that she suggested a trip and you just flat out turned her down does make it seem like now that you’re married you have no need for your friend.
Nta, it kinda seems like Callie is gonna have some issues adjusting to not being with you. thats probably why she suggested a double honeymoon because she is used to being near you. its something that youll need to apply boundaries too, in order to have a smooth transition into your marriage. if Callie cant put her own feelings aside and see that you and Miguel are allowed to be your own people, then maybe you should consider putting some distance between the both of you?
NTA but I’d have been careful with your wording and proposed an alternative ‘chosen fan’ trip or dinner out or something to recognize you all hitting this milestone. You’ve done great, but in large part thanks to the security and encouragement you offered to each other – that should be recognized
NTA. It’s not normal to have double honeymoons. Maybe you can offer to take a second trip with everyone. Even if it’s just renting a cute Airbnb in the woods for a weekend.
NTA. You should brush her off. Shes out of line.
A honeymoon is to spend time as a couple. Not a group!
If she wants to celebrate everything you’ve been though with her, thats a different occasion and a different trip.
NTA but she might have a platonic attachment to you. It makes sense depending on how close you were when you were married and all that. You might almost feel like a sort of partner to her because of the situation you two were in.
I‘d say no one is the A here. This sounds like a miscommunication on both parts.
She probably misses you as her best friend – especially after all you’ve been trough together. The distancing she feels sounds like more than just this trip. Especially when she says she feels used by you. Maybe she simply feels replaced all together and would like to be part of your and your husbands life.
Maybe talk to her and plan another trip for the four of you in the future.
NTA a double honeymoon is weird unless its a polyamorous foursome
NTA Miguel is your spouse now, and the two of you get to decide where and how you spend your honeymoon. Callie was unkind to accuse you of using her and it sounds like she’s having a hard time with how your lives have changed. Maybe she needs a little reassurance that you’re not going to disappear on her, like an offer to take a trip together in the future that’s not a honeymoon.
Take your separate honeymoons and start planning a “friendsversary” trip for next summer to celebrate your milestones together and as two couples! Really do the research on destinations where groups of four adults can thrive and be interactive! No one is the AH but all relationships take work to maintain and grow! Make planning the trip a group event that you all can get excited about together!!!
NAH. TBH, typically a honeymoon is right after the wedding. Sounds like you each got married months ago. So what she’s seeming to want is really a couples’ trip to celebrate. Your hubby wants a singular vacation.
The fact that you two went through so much as to have to make a life commitment to each other just to be safe, and now have both found happiness with real spouses does seem to be something to warrant a joint celebration. But you can’t force it if your husband doesn’t want to spend his vacation with her.
NAH. You are certainly not the AH for wanting a private honeymoon.
Though your marriage wasn’t conventional, in that you weren’t “in love” the way you now are with your husband, you had eachother’s backs and were eachother’s “people”. That relationship has now shifted, and while she’ll likely always be important to you, someone else is now more important, and you have a relationship with someone else who you share your life with. It sounds like she is still coming to terms with how you fit into eachother’s lives and you are not on the same page about this. I don’t think she’s an AH for being hurt that things are not as she thought they were – she might just need time and space to get used to the new normal. She’s not an AH for being distant – you both just need to adjust to how things will be between you with these new significant relationships in your lives.
I don’t think anyone here is the AH.
I think both of your perspectives on the topic are valid. I can’t imagine how it must have felt for both of you growing up and marrying each other to stay safe. But I can definitely imagine that your friendship and support means so much to both of you.
Now that you both got married “for real” to your loved ones, it is very understandable that you want to celebrate and enjoy those relationships.
But maybe the issue here is about what meaning you are each assigning to this trip.
I could imagine why Callie suggested this and would like to share such an important event/milestone with you.
But what if you and your husband would consider this trip as a “fun couples trip” instead? You don’t have to think of it or label it as your honeymoon. Because you and your husband get to decide when and how to do that for yourselves. And you and your husband can do your honeymoon on your terms before or after that other trip.
If you were to reframe this trip like this, (only if you would actually like to travel together obviously) then there is no issue. And instead you get to share an important moment with your best friend that can have valuable meaning in your friendship.
NAH. It’s okay to want different things. It’s okay for things to be a bit tense over it, too. You didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did she. You love and care about each other, so don’t let this awkwardness ruin your friendship. Go enjoy your honeymoon, send her some photos, and reach out for a double date when you’re back home.
NTA. But this scenario would have never come up if the world was a more accepting place.
There’s not enough information to tell if the conversation could have been managed well either.
Congratulations on your marriage. All the best.
Could yo7 make it work as quadcouple?
NAH- it sounds like she voiced her fear- losing you. In some ways you are probably more family to her than her bio-family.
What most people don’t tell you is that the first year of marriage can be hell when it is for realsies because we have a lot of subconscious shit about how things are supposed to go. And considering that you married each other as mutual beards- I’m guessing her emotional baggage is turned up to high and someone broke the knob off.
When she calms down a bit hopefully you can talk it out if you want to. She sounds like she needs a hug and a cookie. And you are not wrong for wanting your own honeymoon.
Happy pride.
NTA.
It’s better to be upfront.
Otherwise she’ll push for more double dates.
It sounds fun personally, but since you aren’t comfortable with it being a honeymoon, I’d try to schedule a different, non-wedding related vacation with them.
Yeah it was a nice sentimental idea but you shouldn’t have to share your honeymoon if you don’t want to, the four of you can go on a trip anytime, you’ll only have one honeymoon, NTA.
NTA – it was a nice idea but I think it’s pretty common for honeymooners to want their space! Maybe suggest a couples trip 6 months to a year from now. It’s not that you don’t like the idea, just the timing
NAH. I say go ahead with your honeymoon with your husband, but maybe plan a weekend together as well.
Nope!
Offer a shared trip for the NEXT vacation.
But the boundary is good.
Could it be that the 1st marriage meant more to her than previously thought? I don’t even mean sexually…just that she sees you as family…as close as a spouse/brother…
NTA. Have a lovely honeymoon with your man. If later on the four (!) of you really become/remain highly compatible, there will be opportunities to go on vacations together.
NAH, you can do whatever you want, but she def has the right to be upset cz you flat out turned down a trip with an old friend. You’re not the AH, but I see why she’s upset
NAH but you should have phrased it a bit differently. Because “we’re not comfortable spending time with you” is a somewhat hurtful thing to say to a friend who didn’t massively disrespect your boundaries (because she wasn’t really pushing anything, was she?)
So saying something along the lines of “we only have this much time off we can take and really want it to be just the two of us” would have been much nicer than whatever you came up with.
Damn right you were distancing yourself — it’s your honeymoon! You wanted to be alone and intensely intimate with your honey, not on a sentimental double date. I’m having a hard time thinking of couples who would pick the double date for their honeymoons, actually.
Callie is being unreasonable in her expectations. You were direct in your response, but not unkind. NTA
Nta both of you. She wanted to celebrate both of milestones together and you wanted to celebrate it individually. Communicate and give her little time to collect herself. Even if you guys “Bestest friends of whole wide world” still both of you have own opinions of certain things. I think she doesn’t know fine line between romantic trip and friends trip it’s proven by her partner said she understands you because she herself wanted to go just themselves but didn’t want to let down her excitement. Don’t let this awkwardness get between you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned … 🙃🙃