My boyfriend (24M), “John” and I (21F) have been together for 1.5 years now and living together for almost a year. We live with his dad (55M) but he isn’t home often and we all get along well. He is divorced from my boyfriend’s mom (48F), “Sally” who cheated on him with a coworker.
John’s entire family is Albanian, Sally is a helicopter parent and John is an only child. John told me early on that he has issues with his mom, primarily her not respecting boundaries and when he tries to set them, she manipulates, gaslights and guilt trips him. She speaks poorly about all of John’s friends and their parents (all Albanian as well), has rocky relationships with her family and has no friends or hobbies of her own.
Sally texts, calls and asks to see John often and tends to act out when he says no. She frequently comes up with outlandish reasons to see John like sending her mail to her EX husband’s house and calling John to have him do the most basic things for her (make her an appointment at the DMV or finding her credit card statement online). The most annoying thing she does EVERY SINGLE DAY is drive her dogs 15 mins away to our place, walk them around the complex, passing our front door and every now and then, will knock on the door unannounced to see John.
John and his mom have gone on trips together to Albania, most recently having went together last summer, and John complained about her the entire time. She gets upset when John goes to visit his dad’s parents, when he isn’t spending enough time with her and her family and if he tries to go anywhere on his own.
John and I have talked about going to Albania together and that recently came up while he was with his mom. He explained to her that we would only spend a few days in their hometown and would want to do some other traveling as well. She assumed she would be coming to Albania with us and asked if she could join us to the other locations. John said he tried “beating around the bush” to tell her that we would want to do the additional traveling alone, but that she “wouldn’t take no for an answer”.
I told him I don’t really feel comfortable going with her at all. I want to enjoy a vacation and not be around (or be the cause of) their fighting the whole time. He told me that if she knows we’re planning to go to Albania she will absolutely insist on coming and when I suggested her going another time or even meeting us there the few days we’ll be in their hometown, he said that she is scared of flying and refuses to fly alone. Any situation where she is not flying there and back with us, doing all of the traveling with us and of course, John spending enough time with her, will be a huge headache I really just want no part in it. He doesn’t want her to go either but doesn’t feel like he “has a choice” and I’m getting the vibe that he thinks I should just suck it up. I told him he could go with her or go with me, but I’m not going the three of us together.
We have had a lot of conversations about her and he does tell her no pretty often and has set a rule of only seeing her once a week, but when she shows up unannounced or walks her dogs by our front door everyday, nothing else gets said. I feel like he sees that her behavior is a problem, but doesn’t want to argue so he doesn’t really enforce any of these boundaries.
AITA for refusing to go with her?
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My boyfriend (24M), “John” and I (21F) have been together for 1.5 years now and living together for almost a year. We live with his dad (55M) but he isn’t home often and we all get along well. He is divorced from my boyfriend’s mom (48F), “Sally” who cheated on him with a coworker.
John’s entire family is Albanian, Sally is a helicopter parent and John is an only child. John told me early on that he has issues with his mom, primarily her not respecting boundaries and when he tries to set them, she manipulates, gaslights and guilt trips him. She speaks poorly about all of John’s friends and their parents (all Albanian as well), has rocky relationships with her family and has no friends or hobbies of her own.
Sally texts, calls and asks to see John often and tends to act out when he says no. She frequently comes up with outlandish reasons to see John like sending her mail to her EX husband’s house and calling John to have him do the most basic things for her (make her an appointment at the DMV or finding her credit card statement online). The most annoying thing she does EVERY SINGLE DAY is drive her dogs 15 mins away to our place, walks them around the townhouse complex, passing our front door and a few times a week will knock on the door unannounced to see John.
John and his mom have also gone on trips together to Albania, most recently having went together last summer, and John complained about her the entire time. She gets upset when John wants to visit his dad’s parents, when he isn’t spending enough time with her and her family and if he tries to go anywhere on his own.
John and I have talked about going to Albania together and that came up while he was with his mom yesterday. He explained to her that we would only spend a few days in their hometown and would want to do some other traveling as well. She assumed she would be coming to Albania with us and asked if she could join us on the other locations. John said he tried “beating around the bush” to tell her that we would want to do the additional traveling alone, but that she “wouldn’t take no for an answer”.
I told him I don’t really feel comfortable going with her at all. I want to enjoy a vacation and not be around (or be the cause of) their fighting the whole time. He told me that if she knows we’re planning to go to Albania she absolutely HAS to come and when I suggested her going another time or even meeting us there the few days we’ll be in their hometown, he said that she is scared of flying and wouldn’t go if she couldn’t fly with us. Any other situation where she is not flying there and back with us, doing all of the traveling with us and of course, John spending enough time with her, will be WW3 and I really just don’t want to be around any of it. He doesn’t want her to go either and wants us to be able to do our own thing but doesn’t feel like he “has a choice”.
AITA for expecting him to put his foot down and tell his mom no and for me refusing to go with her?
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> Am I being unreasonable by refusing to go with her? Am I being unfair and putting my boyfriend in a tough position?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It does sound like you have more of a bf problem than a mil problem though. He is enabling her. If you want a future with this guy without having your MIL with you 24/7 he needs to set boundaries NOW. You might need to help him with that by putting your foot down, stating that you won’t go at all if she’s coming.
Simple solution. “If she’s going then I’m not.” and stick to it.
There are NAH but the only foot you can control is your own.
NTA
John needs therapy.
Your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and tell his mother NO. It’s a complete sentence. If he keeps giving in to her, it sets the tone. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
What you are seeing now is what, without some major change on his part, the rest of your life with him will be like.
What is next? She has to join you in your honeymoon? God forbid you ever have kids before this gets sorted because ooooh boy.
At his age he doesn’t have to let her do anything, the fact that he thinks that way very clearly shows just how emeshed her manipulation has made him. You can see it as the outsider (which by the way, in her eyes makes you a threat) but he’s too caught up in it to see.
You are right for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Just maybe he will look at you as an example.
NTA. And good luck.
The short answer to this situation is one you have already arrived at: “Go with her, or go with me, but not both of us.” I can think of nothing more miserable than an international vacation with someone like your BF’s mother. That has to be one of the circles of Hell.
The long answer is that John has been raised by this woman, and she has had 24 years to shape him, manipulate him, and control him. John is now starting to rattle the bars of his cage, and Mummy doesn’t like it one bit so she is ramping things up. John is probably highly conflicted, feeling torn between the pattern of behavior his mother has instilled in him and the freedom of thought and action that being with you offers. You have to understand though, the ties his mother has attached to her son are like a spider’s web: the more he struggles, the tighter they pull.
I am speaking from experience. My wonderful husband was raised by the most maladapted parents you can imagine. Mother was 16, dad was 21 when they were married. He had some college, she never graduated high school. He kept her under his thumb, and when the children came along, he kept them under his thumb as well. The saddest part was my MIL never stood up for her children when their father emotionally abused them. He was a master manipulator, a micro-manager, a helicopter parent, and just plain mean. That’s in addition to being a classic narcissist. It is safe to say that my husband was badly scarred by his father, and suffered from a form of PTSD even after his father died.
Like my husband with his dad, your boyfriend finds it nearly impossible to say no to his mother. I’m sure his mother made his life a living hell each time he became even mildly rebellious, and he eventually learned to comply. The problem is, kids need to establish their sense of individuality through independence, but she was having none of that.
Therapy with someone who specializes in dysfunctional parent/adult child relationships may be helpful for your boyfriend. My husband didn’t see a counselor until a few years ago, and while it did help him, I think that the behavior pattern was so ingrained that nothing would fully dislodge it. (We are both retired.) Your boyfriend is young, and may have a better chance of really benefitting from the insights of a good therapist.
I feel so bad for both of you, because I know what you are going through. It is so hard to watch someone you love get beaten down repeatedly by a family member, and they just take it. Meanwhile, John is probably miserable, feeling like he can never get out from his mother’s control. I wish you both the best. Remember, this is going to be a long process, so be prepared and don’t give up.
NTA, but this only gets much, much worse. With him unwilling to make her stop (talk is cheap and he’s not actually doing anything), she will get so much crazier. God forbid you have kids, you’ll end up as the sidekick in your own life.
INFORMATION DIET. She cant invite herself along to something she knows nothing about or get mad about it. Stating we planned this as a trip for us as a couple to spend time together one on one, isnt rude. Not wanting to make anyone feel like a 3rd wheel on a couples vacation isnt rude. Trying to hog someone’s entire time on a couples vacation you were never invited to, thats rude and would cause alot of resentment.
I know alot about being manipulated by my mother and feeling stuck. They pray on our hearts, word things just right to make you feel like the biggest piece of poo if you dont give them what they want. Im assuming he’s been conditioned to give mommy dearest whatever she wanted his whole life that now he does it with a second thought.
I told my mother every single day for 5+ years, i dont like talking on the phone!!!!!!!!!! Not answering the phone for the first time was exhilarating.
STOP- Go read /JUSTNOMIL
This sub & it’s absolute horrendous stories of what these “boy moms” do to the women their sons love is BRUTAL.
LEAVE NOW – while you’re still young, before your life becomes a lifetime movie!
NTA. Find a boyfriend whose mom actually cut the cord!! You will fight this unhealthy, infuriating dynamic every day of your life that you stay with him.
NTA. Is this the relationship that you really want?
Updateme
NTA.
ESH. Welcome to a preview of the rest of your life with him. YTA to yourself for allowing this to go on this long and somehow thinking you wil ever fix this. The only way it’s getting fixed is if he grows a spine and sets real boundaries or she dies. He’s TA for not actually setting real boundaries with her. I’m sure this has caused issues before. He just doesn’t care. He would rather keep her happy than keep you happy. So even tho he says he loves you and you’re living together, he’s still choosing her over you all day every day. If you’re good with that, stick around. You’re younger than his mom so you will probably outlive her. If not, then find your self respect, stop treating him like a project to be fixed and move on.
Do you really want to be dealing with this drama while married bc it will get worse. The closer he gets to you the more antics she will do. Look at yourself and ask “what is it about me that I want to be and fight for this relationship “? Bc John isn’t
NTA. You are getting a preview of your future. The problem is not only his mom but your BF. He is the one that needs to man up to his mom. He is the one that needs to stop over sharing his life with her. He is the one that needs to get his priorities straight. You on the other hand need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. He is showing you who he is.
How will she even know the details? Why would your boyfriend share the details? Is this really how you want to live?