My best friend really wants to be a doctor. She recently discovered that a writer (not very well known) who is a medical student wrote a book, and she read it. The writer will be signing autographs somewhere far from where I live. She asked me to go with my sister, since she is not in the country at the moment.
The problem is that I didn’t want to waste an entire afternoon just for a simple autograph, which, to me, has no meaning. I told my sister that I didn’t want to go, and she told my friend. Now my friend is upset and even being a little stupid with me. She said she always does things for me, but the truth is that I never asked her to sacrifice herself or do things like “go to a certain place, take a simple photo, and come back home” for me. I understand that it’s special to her, but to me it didn’t make sense to spend so much time on it. Even so, she seems to think I’m a bad friend for not doing this “favor.”
Am I wrong to refuse, or is she overreacting?
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My best friend really wants to be a doctor. She recently discovered that a writer (not very well known) who is a medical student wrote a book, and she read it. The writer will be signing autographs somewhere far from where I live. She asked me to go with my sister, since she is not in the country at the moment.
The problem is that I didn’t want to waste an entire afternoon just for a simple autograph, which, to me, has no meaning. I told my sister that I didn’t want to go, and she told my friend. Now my friend is upset and even being a little stupid with me. She said she always does things for me, but the truth is that I never asked her to sacrifice herself or do things like “go to a certain place, take a simple photo, and come back home” for me. I understand that it’s special to her, but to me it didn’t make sense to spend so much time on it. Even so, she seems to think I’m a bad friend for not doing this “favor.”
Am I wrong to refuse, or is she overreacting?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I declined a request from my friend to go to a place that is somewhat far from where I live.
(2) This action may make me appear like the asshole for not accepting and making this “sacrifice” for her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nah, you’re good. It’s a simple autograph, not a life or death mission. Friends can be bummed when you say no, but expecting you to drop an afternoon for something that doesn’t matter to you is kinda unreasonable.
NAH. No one can overrule her on her on her decision that you aren’t a good friend to her. Sure, for you a good friend doesn’t mean making sacrifices, but if it is for her she’s allowed to name it. You are free to refuse, she is free to decided she doesn’t want to be with friends with someone who would refuse this.
NTA. She could probably buy a signed copy offline for cheaper than you could travel to do it. When you go to get an autograph from an author, the whole point is to talk to them and get a photo. The autograph doesn’t mean anything, the experience does. I have signed copies of books and they don’t mean nearly as much as the ones where I have that I met the author.
NTA. It’s completely reasonable for you to refuse to lend out a high-end, expensive, and essential piece of equipment. Your friend is the one being unreasonable for asking you to give up a tool you use daily for both work and personal use. The comments from your mutual friends about you valuing “stuff more than friendship” are unfair and manipulative. A true friend wouldn’t put you in this position or try to make you feel guilty for protecting your own belongings.
NTA. But her The Fault in our Stars and be done with it.
YTA. If she’s done similar things for you in the past then it’s fair for her to ask that favour. You just don’t want to do it, you don’t mention it being particularly inconvenient. It has meaning to your best friend so the meaning for you should be your friend’s happiness? It doesn’t sound like you’re a very caring best friend to her.
How far away is it? I mean it would be a nice thing to do for your friend…does she go out of her way to do nice things for you?
That is kind of a big favor to ask. She can mail a copy of the book to the author and ask for it to be signed and sent back to her.
However, if she always does things for you, it would be nice of you to do that. Ask yourself how much she really does for you, and be prepared for that to stop.
NTA
NAH. This isn’t about whether you think it’s worth the effort to get an autograph,itd about whether you think it’s worth the effort to do something for your friend. If it’s not worth the time to make your friend happy then you definitely don’t have to.
ESH. You’re not wrong to refuse, but you’re being awfully melodramatic about it. “I never asked her to sacrifice herself” Um…she didn’t ask that of you, either. Your BEST FRIEND asked for an afternoon of your time for something that is meaningful to her, and you’re acting like a random stranger asked you for fifty bucks and a ride to the airport. Come the entire fuck on.
I put ESH because when you ask a favor you should be prepared to take a no–that’s her part of it. But seriously, OP, come on.
Nah you’re not wrong. An autograph isn’t worth you burning a whole afternoon if it means nothing to you. She can be disappointed, but acting like you’re a bad friend over this is over the top. Friends do nice things for each other, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to run errands that don’t make sense for you. NTA
NTA.
She’s allowed to ask you for a favour, you’re allowed to say no. But there’s one more step: she’s allowed to be upset about that.
It’s impossible to say who’s right here because that would involve knowing years of history between you two. She thinks that she’s putting in more to the relationship than you are and that you’re not reciprocating that. You think her ask is unreasonable and an unfair demand on your friendship. Nobody on the internet knows which one is correct, because we don’t know you or your history with this person.
So… you guys aren’t friends. Just say it and have done. You aren’t willing to sacrifice half a day to get something meaningful to her (and call her stupid for how she feels about that) and on the other hand she’s trying to pull a “you owe me one” pity party which means that on some level she’s been keeping score. ESH.
NTA.
Favors can be refused. This is a demand, and hence is not a favor. You’re giving up a day of your life plus gas to get an autograph. That’s a ridiculous ask.
YTA.
Idk where you come from.. but my best friend and I will do literally anything for each other, no questions asked.
The request your friend made is light work.
Maybe she’ll find her actual best friend some day.
You don’t have to. But be prepared to lose this friend. You might not expect a friend to do this but maybe she wants a friend who does. I’ve definitely gotten burnt out before. My friend never asks for things, but I’m always supporting her and helping her and more. I asked for one thing and she couldn’t/wouldnt do it because it wasn’t a benefit to her and I stopped talking to her. She’s not obligated to do anything for me, but you’re my friend you’re supposed to be there for friends. Stop being selfish and start being part of a community.
NAH. This is just a case of what do you value more? Your time or making your friend happy? Neither is right or wrong, this just tells how you see the friendship
NAH tell her to ask for an autograph by mail. include a SASE.
NTA. She hasn’t just asked you to go, she also asked your sister.
It is perfectly okay for you to say no. Being a best friend doesn’t mean that you have to do every single thing they ask you to do. Nor is it constantly counting favours.
She asked, you don’t want to, and that’s perfectly okay. And, an actual friend would be okay with it.
If she wants an autograph, she can order a book and ask for it to be signed.
NTA. has she ever gone a long distance to pick up something of the type for you? If not, then she can’t blame you for not wanting to go.
But stop asking her for favors, no matter how small.
NTA. If it was a local event, I could maybe see why your friend would ask, but asking someone to travel a long way for something like this is unreasonable.
I mean….are you doing anything that afternoon, or are you just indignant at the very idea of a friend asking you to do them a favor? Because if the latter, then I have some bad news for you about. Y’know. Having friends.
Look, yes, you get to say no to whatever requests you like. But if you refuse to ever be inconvenienced in the slightest, particularly for a person who has done favors for you in the past, then you’re likely to find yourself without any friends or close relationships because having a community does require occasional inconvenience. ESH I guess, because your friend could’ve taken a no gracefully….but you suck more, tbh. If you’re not doing anything else with your afternoon, then most people would 100% spend an afternoon helping their supposed best friend. Come on now.
NAH, but I do think you’re being a shitty friend. If my friend was so keen to get this autograph and I knew how important it was to her, I would do it for her. I mean, that’s what best friends are for.
She’s hardly asking you to sacrifice yourself is she? The fact that it has no meaning to you is not the point, it’s meaningful to her. Would I do this for my best friend? In a heartbeat.
YTA, not necessarily for not doing the favour, but for the attitude behind it.
I’m wavering betweek NTA and N AH
That said, I think it dpends a bit how close you are and how far this is – would you need to take time off work or miss something you’ve already booked? Or is it just giving up a couple of hours of time. Personally, if it was just the time, I’d do it for a friend , if it meat taking time off work and usingup my PTO, or cancelling a pre-planned day out, then I’d expalin I wasn’t free.
It’s not an unreasonable thing for her to ask, saying no doesn’t make you a bad person, but it’s understandable that you saying no because it isn’t important to you, even though you know it’s importnant to her and it would only take a couple of hours of your time is going to hurt her feelings, and you talking about sacrifce does sound a bit dramatic
If they are signing at a bookstore she can almost certainly order a signed copy from the bookstore directly .You could maybe call and find out if that’s an option, and let her know.
Depending on the cost of the book you could consider buying it for her- that way, she wouldn’t get a photo but could get an autograpghed copy of the book, you would sped a bit of money but could pick the book up at a more convenint time or get it mailed to you so you give up some money instead of time (this depends on whether it’s the photo os the signature that’s more importnat to her, and how importnat it is that the autograph is personal, i.e says ‘for [name] rather than just being a signature.
INFO: How far is far? How much time and effort would it take? Whether it has meaning for you in particular is irrelevant. If she’s spent the equivalent amount of time and/or effort supporting anything at all that’s meaningful to you, you really would be a bad friend to not do this unless it’s very far, time intensive, or you have a conflict.