I’m 33F and I’ve spent the last five years trying to become a mom. Three failed rounds of IVF multiple surgeries hormone treatments and more heartbreaking phone calls than I can count. My husband and I finally decided to adopt. Not as a backup plan but as our next choice. I’m excited but the grief from infertility doesn’t just go away. You just learn how to carry it without letting it swallow you
My younger sister 29F is pregnant. First try. Everything went smoothly. She glows in every ultrasound photo. The family is over the moon. I’ve tried to be happy for her. I helped her set up her baby registry. I sat with her through every pregnancy rant. I liked her bump photos on social media while quietly dealing with my own ache
Then at a family dinner someone asked me how the adoption process was going. I started to answer and my sister cut me off mid sentence. She laughed and said it’s not like you’ll really know what it’s like you’re not going to be a real mom
I froze. My chest felt tight. She brushed it off right away and said she didn’t mean it like that it was a joke. But it didn’t feel like a joke. It felt like something she already believed and it slipped out
I left early that night. Sat in my car for a long time and cried harder than I had in months
When her baby shower invite came I didn’t RSVP. She messaged me and asked why. I told her the truth. That I couldn’t celebrate motherhood with someone who didn’t believe I’d ever really be a mother
Now my mom’s upset. She says I’m making things uncomfortable. That my sister was just joking and didn’t mean it. But slips like that come from somewhere. They show what someone really thinks even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud
I’ve fought for years to become a mom. I’ve carried pain disappointment and hope through every step. And with one careless sentence my sister reduced all of it to nothing
AITA for deciding not to show up for someone who can’t see the battle I’ve fought just to get this far?
Comments
NTA.
You’re right. It came from somewhere, and the place is called Malice.
Your sister really, really doesn’t like you.
NTA. She wasn’t joking. Im so sorry. Infertility is so hard. Family is those you choose whether blood or not.
NTA you deserve to be a mom and I’m sure you’ll be amazing! With a mother as insensitive as her I worry for this child. Family isn’t just blood it’s love ❤️
NTAH
That’s so unbelievably harsh and mean, ESPECIALLY from a sibling, and you really have no obligation to show up if that’s how they feel about you adopting.
The fact your mom is upset AT YOU for being offended you were told you’ll never be a real mom because you adopt is just more salt on the wound.
You deserve to be proud, happy, and in a place that protects your peace. If your sister’s baby shower isn’t that, because of HER actions, you’re not the asshole at all
NTA. Infertility is such an isolating experience. Your sister has seen you go through these struggles for years. I can’t imagine having someone say something so hurtful to such a tender and vulnerable part of my life. Protect yourself.
And I wish you the best of luck in your adoption journey! You have fought so very hard to be a mom. You will be an amazing mom! The mommest mom of all moms.
NTA… Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother. Unconditional love and selflessness makes you a mother
NTA… and also, many people give birth to children and are never real mothers, it’s what you do with motherhood, THAT is what will make you a mother.
Sending you a ton of love.
You will be a great mom when you are. You will better than your mother, who is failing you by pandering to your sister. Your sister is a shallow vainglorious self absorbed b*tch who should have her mouth washed out with soap. You have every right not to go to the shower. I wouldn’t be surprised if she said nasty things there too. Your mother needs to be told that you being your sister’s doormat is not the price of her comfort and that she’s failed you.
I think not going would be the best thing to do. If you go, unless they give you a heartfelt apology, you might feel a lot of resentment and who knows maybe blow and things will be chaotic and worse. If you want to keep the peace tell them you are sorry they feel like things are awkward but you need your time. Many women give birth but never experience real motherhood. A real mom is someone who cares for you day and night, who sacrifices things for their little ones, who cries when they’re not ok and celebrates when they are. Trust me you will still go through struggles with them like any other mom. Don’t let that discourage you from saving a little one’s life who is in desperate need of your motherly love.
Your sister was being a bitch and there’s no reason for you to go and deal with that sort of treatment
That’s not something you joke about. That’s just being a shitty person.
Your sister is an asshole. Your mother is an asshole. Anyone who says adoptive moms are not “real moms” are ignorant assholes. You are NTA.
I’m sorry for the grief you’re dealing with and I wish you all the luck with your adoption journey
I hope this is rage bait. Otherwise, the sister is an uncivilized, sociopathic ghoul. And the mom being upset at OP and not the sister? Come on.
NTAH. This is such a hurtful and mean thing to say and your mom is enabling this behaviour.
Ask your mom why your sister feeling uncomfortable matters more than you feeling hurt.
Proper apology needed, otherwise you guys won’t be in each other’s and each other’s children’s lives.
How was it a joke? How was it supposed to be funny? I’d want the answer to those questions before I even considered going near that shower.
NTA and how dare they? OP I am so sorry for all that has happened. But your sister and mom showed you who they are. Believe it and listen.
They don’t get to celebrate your adoption, spend time without you with your new child, etc. Not without some steep reflection and apologies!
Yeah no, calling you ‘not a real mom’ isn’t a joke, it’s just cruel. Protecting your peace is more important than showing up for her party.
NTA. Your sister is an awful human for even thinking that. I went through secondary infertility and it was awful. I can’t imagine how hard it would be on the first try. It is so hard mentally and emotionally. Not to mention it is physically demanding with all of the shots/pills you have to take. Adoption also makes you a real mom. I don’t care. You are showing how big your heart is to open it to a kid(s) you didn’t give birth to. Not all people are able to do that. If she is too close-minded to see that, then maybe you should go LC for your mental health.
NTA your sister meant everything she said. How tf can your mother think that was a joke. They know how much you struggled and wanna joke about it. wtf
Your sister should have realised by now that words have meanings; if she didn’t mean it, she shouldn’t have said it. Unless she apologises profusely and sincerely, I wouldn’t bother with her again.
NTA but it’s deeply disappointing that your mom doesn’t have your back on this. You need to ask her directly if she is going to look on your child and “less than” your sister’s child.
You totally will be the real mom of your child
But “your””sister” ,her attitude and jokes and supporters could cause real harm to your child and marriage
Go NO-CONTACT and totally permanently BLOCK her and her supporters on EVERYTHING
Your REAL family and friends will be on YOUR side
Blood doesn’t make the family Love does
NTA
NTA. Your sister was wrong and cruel.
Nta but sister needs checked for sure and mom needs to step up and set her daughter straight. Smh. Sorry for all you have gone threw Good luck o p
you’re NTA. your sister is and your mom also.
your sister made everything uncomfortable, not you. for your mom to blame you makes her an AH too.
hopefully your spouse holds his ground with you and for you if you cannot.
NTA however both your sister and your mom are both AHs; what your sister said wasn’t a joke, and your mom trying to excuse it as such is shameful.
NTA
Tell your mom her other daughter made things uncomfortable putting her foot in her mouth. Don’t go.
I am sure you will be a wonderful mom.
Your sister’s comment was vile, and her refusal to acknowledge that says a lot. NTA
NTA
Your sister is cruel and thoughtless. I hope she developed some empathy & kindness before this baby is born.
For me, it would be no contact moving forward. Maybe entertain a sincere apology, but it would be hard for me to believe it. I def wouldn’t let her around my child. Can you imagine the cruel & thoughtless things she could say in front of or directly to your child?
You made nothing uncomfortable. Your sister created this situation because she’s just a heartless cruel person. Tell your mom I said as much!
NTA. Not going to her baby shower is the right thing to you. She is likely to make some comment about you in the guise of a joke. You’re also better off cutting contact. She is likely to make comments about how your adopted child is not a real grand child or cousin. Best of luck in the adoption process.
Why is it always the wronged party that is accused of making things uncomfortable? Your sister is an ass and acted like one. Tell your mother that strangers on Reddit have more sense than she does.
You have every right to be offended and hurt. I wouldn’t want that sister around any child who is lucky enough to be adopted into your family. She’s horrible! NTA
NTA, just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean you are any less of a parent than a sibling that biologically creates one.
NTA you’re gonna be a real mom! I say this as someone who has kids I birthed and kids I’ve adopted. It’s the same, you love them the same and you raise them. The only difference is you don’t go through pregnancy which honestly, I loved skipping anyways. Your sister is the one who made things uncomfortable like who the fuck says shit like that. Your mother can give her shit instead of you. Your sister is super toxic and not someone I’d want to be around.
NTA
Your sister and your mom are heartless. Your sister made things uncomfortable when she made that “joke”. There are certain topics you should NEVER joke about.
NTA.
You’re going through so much effort to have a kid, and you recognize that being a parent isn’t just about bringing them into this world.
I almost feel sorry for her and how narrow and shallow her view of motherhood is… almost.
NTA
I’m one to take dark jokes, this wasn’t that. I’m so sorry.
Obviously you felt the angst going through this with her while knowing you never could I’m your past attempts. She knows too. You’d dealt with it gracefully, and for this to be how she framed and brings it up…it’s no joke, it just goes to show what she thought of it. A pitiful thing she can scoff at and make light of.
This isn’t a ‘I’m the X sister and she’s the Y sister’ (eg. beauty and brains, athletic and artsy etc.) you can flippantly make light of after years of acknowledgment and mutual support. She just said this, in that moment, her mind couldn’t let you have that moment to share your parenting journey without mocking/dismissing it.
Sorry I’m not making you feel better, but I totally get why you’d rather not go anymore. Knowing you didn’t get sympathy all along, just this mocking sense of superiority, from your own sister.
It’s fine she doesn’t get the battle (I’m sure you were glad she won’t have to experience that), but to dismiss and mock it is not supportive of you and you’ve been supportive all the way (not made it about you).
NTA. People say the dumbest, cruelest things to infertility patients
Tell your sister andcyour mom where to go
NTA. How could anyone possibly see her cruel statement as a joke. That’s just unbelievable. Your sister is nasty.
Sorry, but both your mom and sister are the AH, your sis a colossal one.
Be ready for your child being discriminated against, and the sheer favoritism shown to your sister’s child by your mom. You’ll probably need to protect your kid from them.
Absolutely NTA and start preparing for those comments and start to think of ways to protect your upcoming child, as they won’t be “real” family. You need to address this with mom, preferably from that perspective. Then it isn’t you “overreacting” to a slight against you, it’s momma bear instincts coming out. Not being seen as a “real mom” isn’t a joke, and say “If it’s such a joke, where’s the punchline?”
That was the truth she just called it a joke. NTA but your sister is.
NTA
Your sister is a horrible person, and you’re lol is enabling her.
Updateme
Those kids of comments show that she won’t be a GOOD Mom.
NTA!
It wasn’t a joke. Your sister is the one who created the problem. I’d have gibbs slapped my daughter if she said that to her sister. Your mom is condoning her bad behavior. They can both fuck off.
NTA your sister punched down. And your mama should be ashamed she raised a bully.
Pregnancies don’t make you a mother. Being a mother does.
Tell that to your sister. She can be pregnant as many times as she wants. That doesn’t make her a good mother.
NTA, not a joke, that was a very mean thing for your sister to say. She owes you a major apology, otherwise just go NC.
If I were you, I’d rather eat nails than show up for your sister’s baby shower when she said that you would never be a real mom because you are going to adopt a child (after years of trying to conceive biologically). However, even if you had never attempted to conceive, it wouldn’t matter. Adoption is one of the avenues to parenthood and is a beautiful thing.
NTA
Words have consequences… And neither your sister or your mom can understand your pain… They don’t know what it’s like.
Your sister is a jerk. It’s not a joke. It’s definitely not a funny one.
NTA. Your sister owes you a deep and meaningful apology. Wow that was a terrible thing to say. She really ought to be ashamed of herself.
NTA send her a card (no gift) skip the shower and go LC or NC with your sister. Why invite that kind of hate into your life?
NTA at all. Your sister is a major B. Your mom isn’t that far behind. You aren’t making things uncomfortable. Your sister did that with her malicious words. Take a step back as long as you need to. You don’t have to support AHs even if they are your sister.
NTA. Mom’s attitude is telling. Wondering how she’ll treat your child relative to your sister’s. Bless you for caring for a child in need of a living home. Good luck.
NTA. As someone who was adopted, my REAL mother is the one who changed my diaper, fed me chicken soup when I was sick, bandaged skinned knees, etc.
That was not a joke!!! A joke is supposed to be funny. How are infertility issues funny? Your sister and your mom showed no remorse or regret. There was no sincere apology. I would definitely be concerned that your adopted child would be treated as less than your sisters child because they wouldn’t be blood. Good thing to know going forward.
NTA and that’s not a joke ever. Your mom is just as terrible as your sister. Make sure you protect your child from them, if you’re not a real mom then you already know that they will never consider your child their real family. I would stop speaking to them unless it’s absolutely necessary, when they cry about why tell them that they have quite literally told you how they truly feel about you and now they get to experience the consequences of their actions.
NTA- She wasn’t joking and she did mean it. Every word. Your mother is wrong also to tell you to brush it off. It was downright uncaring and mean.
Go low or no contact with your family.
Congratulations in advance on the adoption of your child!
Your sister is “glowing” in every ultrasound photo? How does that work? Have you ever seen an ultrasound photo?
Adopting does make you a REAL mom. I would even say it makes you MORE of a real mom because so many people are just raw dogging it and accidentally getting pregnant and then they suck at parenthood. You are making an intentional decision to be a parent and loving someone who didn’t have the parents to care for them.
Fuck your sister.
“I froze.” As soon as I see that in a post, I become skeptical.
NTA
I would NOT go.
What the fuck?!
Is she a literal sociopath? There was no reason for that. She just decided to make you feel like shit for…what? As a joke? Because she’s insecure?
She said something completely evil and disgusting that she knew would kill you for absolutely no reason. This is something worth cutting her off for. And your bitch of a mom as well.
NTA. You’re going to be a 10000% better mom than her because bullies are terrible parents.
Nta. Your sisters an insensitive bitch.
“Just a joke” is the rallying cry of every bully on the planet. She wasn’t joking with you. She bullied you. YOU aren’t the one making things uncomfortable. Your nasty-ass sister did that. Fuck your sister. And fuck your mom too for playing the “keep the peace” card (although worded in a different way). She wants you to be a doormat instead of dealing with the real problem — your sister’s bullying.
Don’t go to the shower. Don’t ever offer to babysit. Leave her be with her self-righteous, evil, hateful, nasty heart.
Edited to add: “But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse. Seriously, walk away. Your sister hates you. Leave her be.
NTA! Your sister is awful! What a cruel thing to say! She said that to you on purpose, you don’t slip and say cruel lowdown shit like that! She meant to hurt you and frankly I’d distance myself from her for a really long time! She means you no good! And your mom should be ashamed of herself for not having your back! I feel so sorry for you! As someone who is struggling with infertility as well, I know your pain and I can only imagine how you felt hearing your sister of all people saying such hurtful things to you! I couldn’t get past that! She showed you her true thoughts and feelings on your situation! It’s sad when people close to you take joy in your struggles just because it came so easy to them!!! NTA
I think you should talk to your sister. I don’t believe one stupid statement is the truth- people are idiots sometimes. Especially sisters- I have a few.
Talk to her, tell her it hurt you and how hard this has been for you. It’s be a shame to see the two of you dissolve a relationship when you’ll need each other the most and miss out on important moments and nibling relationships.
If it happens again- different story.
Motherhood isn’t only for those who birth children; it’s just as important, special and hard. Good luck on the next chapter. It’s going to be great.
NTA if she didn’t mean it then where is her horror at how badly what she said in jest hurt you? If she didn’t mean it then where is her long explanation of what she really does think and how the hell that actually came out of her mouth? Where’s her trying to convince you that she genuinely didn’t mean it? Where is her public apology to you where everybody who heard her say that can hear? Where’s is her redoubled support of your motherhood journey?
For that matter where was your mother’s outrage when her daughter said that her other daughter would never be a mother? There’s certainly plenty of outrage for her daughter not attending her other daughter’s baby shower, so it’s not like she’s short of outrage or the ability to stand up for her daughter. Did anybody even come to your defense when your sister said that?
Nta but your sister is a major one and I bet she is the golden child too. Stay away from toxic people once you get approved for adoption she will just poison the air around you. Especially if your baby is of another ethnicity she won’t accept because only hers will be the “real” grandchild.
NTA. Please ask your sister where the joke is, what the humour is in what she said. How in the name of all things deep fried and crispy is that a joke?
NTA. Your sister was unbelievably cruel. Heartless. Mean. Evil. I wouldn’t speak to her for a looong time— if ever.
Your sister is the one who made things uncomfortable.
NTA. Your sister was jealous someone was asking about your adoption journey and ignoring her baby bump for 1 minute. It was not a joke.
NTA She wasn’t joking and even if she really was… wtf kind of a joke was that? I’d be asking anyone that defended her exactly what they thought was funny about that comment?! I can’t imagine saying something like that to anyone.
Nta I think your sister measures up motherhood by baby coming from vagina. That it is simply not true. A parent is not one who makes a baby- because even idiots can make a baby and be totally irresponsible with it. Many teens does not want a baby while having one, many are what I call ” an egg donor” rather than a mother. I think this is wonderful you are adopting a baby. A real parent is someone who will truly love and cherish a child, raise him/ her up while teaching how to stand up for itself and be a good man. A real parent is one who will sacrifice his/ her own time and effort with a smile on a face, because making your baby happy and providing for him /her is the greatest gift for you. Functioning womb does not define a mother. What truly defines a mother is love and caring for her child. You – OP- are to become a mother. And nobody can say it otherwise. Your sister is pathetic to think otherwise and you are right not to go to the shower. I would advice you to go LC with her and be ready to go NC in case she will try to play second class citizen treatment with him. Then cut it in a bud and do not agree with staying over with her baby. She needs to enjoy her own motherhood as well.
NTA. Your sister is a bitch for that. Something tells me she’s going to be a shitty mom while you’re going to be a fantastic one.
Your sister is a jackass. Distance yourself from her and your mum.
NTA. Who jokes about someone who has struggled with fertility not ever being a “real mom”. Your mom is an AH because she is trying to push your sister’s assholery back on you.
NTA, you should cut your sister AND your mom off
NTA. This was not a joke. And saying “it was a joke” isn’t an apology. These people are terrible and unless they educate/reform themselves, I would expect to look elsewhere for support as you form your own family. And, if they don’t change majorly, they are not safe to be around an adopted child. I hope the best of things for you in your adoption journey.
NTA your sister was cruel. Everyone knows it but want you to keep the peace to avoid questions on why you’re not attending. That would highlight how much of an unsupportive and callous person your sister is.
She wasn’t joking. It wasn’t a slip. Your sister is a monster. And your mother is an enabling idiot. NTA
NTA, even if it was a joke (which is wasn’t) your sister is still a bitch, you don’t joke about shit like that. And she’s completely wrong you are a mother. I fucking hate people who look at adopted children like “not really part of the family” you raise them, pay for all their things, live with them, care for them, they call you mom/dad, you are their parent, they are part of the family.
My mom made a comment like that once about my daughter, I took her in when I was barely 18, had my son at 20. She was talking about me having another kid and I was saying we were done (surprise, we weren’t) and she said “oh come on, i want a granddaughter!” I said “you have a granddaughter” “yea but I want a real granddaughter” “you do have a real granddaughter, she is a real little girl, she is really my daughter, and if you don’t think so then you have no business being a grandmother to either of my children” and i left. Didn’t speak to her for about 2 weeks and she apologized and never said anything like that again. I know she still feels that way deep down but she doesn’t say or act that way, doesn’t treat my daughter different from my boys. Sorry got off track, point is this child will be your child and you will be their mother and nothing anyone says will change that and if your sister doesn’t feel that way then she can fuck off and doesn’t need to be apart of yours or YOUR child’s life.
Many a truth are told in jest.
I’m an adoptive mom and went through infertility treatments 1st. In every way that matters she is my daughter and I am her mom. And our family (both sides) have always treated her the same as all the other kids. In fact, most people (friends and family) forget she’s adopted. Her dad, my husband, passed when she was 4 and his side still shows up for her, birthdays, holidays, graduation, etc. she is loved. That is what matters. I would go LC or NC. Why? Because you don’t want your child being treated differently for. Or being “blood”. You may want to include your mom because she told the wrong daughter to get over it.
Totally NTA. It’s probably a good thing that your sister showed her true colors now because she doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to have around my adopted child. I can foresee her telling her child that your kid(s) aren’t her “real” cousins.
NTA your sister was unbelievably cruel, she not only said it but in a group setting, it’s almost like she’s elevating herself and child above you! You’re going to be a fabulous Mum, you don’t have to go anywhere you feel disrespected or made to feel less than, because you’re not! Sending you love ❤️
No. Your mental health comes before anyone and anything. I’m already dreading replying no to my SIL(23) baby shower because I know my husbands dad will make comments to him. Idgaf anymore. My mental health is more important to me. If they can’t understand, that’s their fault.
NTA
For many of us trying to create a family is a brutal marathon. It broke me more than once. I know I’m not alone in that.
Something to consider is that perhaps sister was jealous that the attention moved from her to you for a bit. Her inner malice picked the most wounding thing to say to shut down sharing the attention.
No matter what the motivation, her message was hurtful and belittling. You decide how to move forward and what kind of support to lend and relationship to have.
You’re making things uncomfortable? YOU’RE MAKING THINGS UNCOMFORTABLE?!!!
That’s utterly ridiculous! How are you making things uncomfortable when your sister said something as horrible as that??!!
What she said was no joke. What she said cut deep to the core. You have every right to feel the way you feel.
NTA
it’s always the victim that is asked to not make things uncomfortable by standing up. they never ask the perp to be a better person. your mom deserves the bin as well, for not telling your sister to watch her rude mouth. NTA
NTA. Your sister is a pos and honestly I’m not too fond of your mom defending her
I honestly would respond. “I refuse to have my child around somebody that would never see them as a whole person. I will not share this experience with someone that devalues my family for not being the same as theirs.”
She’s the one that made it uncomfortable. She either apologizes or the new niblings don’t need to have a relationship because your sister will 100% say things that will influence her child to treat their cousin differently.
NTA – Your feelings are valid. That being said, how could your sister make up for that comment? Consider what it would take and whether you want a relationship with her or your nibling in the future.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Try to move forward and please focus on what is important: keep growing and nurturing your baby that is coming from your heart! Wonderful things are coming to you!
I went thru 3 1/2 years of ivf and the pain you are feeling is real AF. One cycle is 3 months of doing everything by the book, only to have nothing to show for it. Time goes by, people have kids, and then another… and you are still fighting to be a mother. But here’s the thing. You already are a mother. You are fighting to bring them home. However it happens, you will be ready to love that child and will have so much compassion for your journey to bring them home.
Your sister needs a time out. She is rude, hurtful and spiteful.
NTA
There’s no way to interpret what your sister said as a joke. No angle from which that remark is anything but malicious and cruel. I wonder id she’s always been this way. Is she the golden child? Have you always gone so out of the way to win her love?
You’re going to be a real mom. The monster who birthed me was never a mom. It takes more than incubation to be a mom.
Sorry you had to endure all that but when your adoption is final and you have you special child you will a bond unlike anything your snotty sister!
I gave a child up for adoption when I was younger and that child grew up in a loving home with two really amazing parents, I am honored to have a relationship with my first child and their children.
Adoption is only for the incredibly amazing people who have incredible things and love to give!
You my dear are not the AH but the gift of love and affection for a child that needs incredible parents to guide them through this crazy world! Go find your beautiful child !
NTA. It’s not a joke if it was meant to belittle or make someone feel leas than. Your sister’s superiority mask slipped and you can’t unlearn the truth.
In what world are those words ‘funny’?
your mother defending her, implies she also believes it. i’m sorry your family sucks op. NTA
Hi, adopted kid here. My mom is my mom. The fact that we don’t share genes or looks doesn’t mean diddly. She is just as much my mom as anyone else’s. She held me when I was a day old, changed my diapers, taught me to read and bandaged so many stubbed toes and skinned knees. Your sister is TA. You are absolutely not.
I would never joke about my sister’s fertility struggles…in what universe would that be funny?
I want to believe this is true. Not because I want the OP to have dealt with this kind of pain, of course, but because I don’t want to believe someone would use the pain of infertility for likes and karma. But…
I cannot believe how many callous, thoughtless, unfeeling people there are in families out there. I could never, ever watch my sister, or any woman, deal with infertility, go through all of the tests and drugs and trying & trying & trying, and then use her pain to make her feel worse by telling her she will never be a “real” mother if she adopts. And then, along comes Mommy Dearest who, rather than sympathizing with and caring about her older daughter’s pain and loss, tells her to suck it up and stop making things “uncomfortable.” If this story is true, this family truly sucks, and OP should just go NC with them and not let them meet her children when she gets them. Fuck any family who favors one child over the other so much that the unfavorited child can go through something as painful as infertility and be treated as the problem and told to just get the fuck over it because family. Just no.
Don’t go to the baby shower. Block your sister, whose apology is meaningless because the damage is done. She can’t unring that bell. If mom continues to try to get you to “get over it,” block her, too. I am so sorry your family sucks. But you should send a gift to the shower. Make sure you write in the card: “Congratulations on becoming a REAL mother.” Maybe add: “Because you really are a MOTHER to me.” Think she’ll get it?
Good luck with the adoption process. And think long and hard about introducing your children to a family who doesn’t consider them “real” family or you a “real” mother. Protect their hearts…and yours. 💞
NTA
The child you adopt will see you as a real mom and that’s honestly all that matters.
Can your mother explain what was funny about your sister’s “joke”? Because I don’t see anything funny about it. Sounds like your Mom & sister care more about people wondering why you’re not at the shower, more concerned about appearances than about how she deeply hurt your feelings. NTA!
Nta consider how your mom would take this question:
“Are you even a real mom? Choosing the path of least resistance. choosing the golden child over what is right? Pressuring your one daughter to forgive the other for a heartless and insensitive comment, instead of parenting the other and telling them that their comment was cruel and if she ever wants a good relationship again she needs to find a way to make it right. Or is it you don’t want to outright say it, but you feel the same as sister and that you don’t believe that when I adopt I will become a real mom? Is this going to be a continuous issue we have in the future where you choose you “real” grandchild and favour the grandchild by blood over the grandchild I will raise?”
I’m an adoptive mom and how read this is she’s jealous you got any attention. The one thing she’s doing that you can’t seem to is have a biological child. Here’s the thing, adoption is special. You’re becoming a parent by choice and I can say from experience the moment that I had my first daughter in hand my heart swelled up bigger than I thought possible until I got my second daughter three years later. I am absolutely a mom to now adult children. They aren’t imaginary and are very real.
All this aside, your sister has showed you who she is and how she will view your child against hers and it’s not a good look. As an adoptive mom I had to make extra sure my girls felt safe and loved with no questioning as to their worth and place in the family. I was fortunate all my family that I’m close to was onboard and have always treated them as anyone else in the family. If they hadn’t they wouldn’t have been part of our lives. Moving forward I think you will have more issues with your sister. You will need boundaries as it’s going to be the passive aggressive shit that will now make you crazy (mama bear level).
Congratulations on your becoming a mom.
Absolutely, but absolutely NTA
You sister was RUDE and CRUEL for no reason, just for the fun of it. That was NO JOKE AND SHE DID MEAN IT. The one that made things uncomfortable is your sister, so your mother has to redirect her efforts to her
If I was in your shoes, I’d go no contact with my sister. You have struggled for 5 years, don’t allow a true bit!! ruin the moment you are living when you will become the happy mother of a kid that sure needs you
There are some words in life that can’t be taken back and the ones your stupid sister pronounced are of those kind. Darn, I am a stranger and I am upset for you!
NTA this also gives you a glimpse of how she will treat your adopted child. If, in her mind, adoption doesn’t make you a mother (which it ABSOLUTELY does!), then she won’t view your child as part of the family either.
She will probably criticize them constantly, hold the fact that they’re adopted over their head, and may even ostracize them from the rest of the family (exclude them from “family” trips, events, etc.).
Tell your mother that the hurt she placed on you outweighs any sort of uncomfortableness she or your sister may be feeling.
As a woman who is also struggling with infertility, your sister can go fuck herself.
NTA. Your sister was intentionally cruel to you and now wants you to celebrate her and shower her with gifts? Don’t let your family bully you into going. This is not healthy.
Also, your sister clearly doesn’t know what motherhood is. It has nothing to do with getting knocked up easily. It is the work you put in every day to give a child the safe supportive environment they need to grow. It’s sad for her and her child that she doesn’t understand that.
Lastly, I’m so sorry that your motherhood journey has been so difficult. Going through fertility treatment is such a destabilizing, heart wrenching, all consuming process. I hope soon it will feel like a lifetime away as you’re cutting crust off of sandwiches and covering booboos with bandaids.
Nta
Never forget.
Tell ” sorry I am not a real mother” each time she asks for help.
NTA. I’m adopted and my real mother is the woman who raised me. You will make a wonderful mom to any lucky child who you get to choose to raise. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Shame on your awful sister, AND your mother. They both suck.
Adoptive mom here – I can assure you that you will be a real mother in every sense.
Ask them what was funny about the joke. Explain the humor to you.
NTA.
Your sister says what she says because she feels superior to you for being pregnant, and when someone reminds her that you will be a mom too, she feels her sense of superiority threatened and needs to humiliate and diminish your motherhood to secure her position.
She likes you when you act like a pet, because she sees you as inferior. She’s happy about your fertility problems because she believes that only she will be the mother of your parents’ grandchildren, and she sees that as a guarantee that you will always be just a supporting character in her life. She believes that’s your role, and when someone reminds her that you are the protagonist of your own story, she tries to take you down.
Now, you need to be prepared for this: it won’t be the last time you hear that phrase. And, honestly, I think your parents might feel the same way, though they may try harder to hide it.
You need to strengthen yourself for you and for your children. Your family is just the first battle. Many people will question your motherhood when they want to hurt you. You must be absolutely confident that you are the mother of your children, and that absolutely no one can make you feel otherwise.
Becoming a mother — and especially a mother by choice and deep desire — requires that you fight in a way you’ve never fought for yourself before. Get angry. Get fired up.
So they call you an AH? So be it! They think you’re dramatic, accuse you of making everything about you, say you’re overreacting? Well, let them believe what they want. Stand your ground! Say, “Well, I’m very disappointed in you and in your refusal to take responsibility for what happened, and I’m kind of surprised by all these adjectives you’ve given me when I’m the one who was offended. But this says more about you than about me. I still won’t go. If my presence matters that much to you, then you’ll need to rethink how you treat me. Emotional blackmail and guilt trips will only make me distance myself further.”
Don’t take on the role they want to put you in. Don’t justify yourself. Don’t try to convince anyone. Just stand firm in your feelings and let them deal with their own frustration.
And seriously, be stronger 💪🏼 You have that strength in you — believe in yourself and don’t let anyone feed you BS.
NTA
“My mom says I’m making things uncomfortable and my sister was only joking”
Uncomfortable for who? You are not making thing ls uncomfortable. Your sisters thoughts slipped out, she heard herself and is now trying to back peddle. She has obviously had this conversation with your mom & most likely mom agrees, why else would she not be defending you instead of your sister.
Nah, you need to draw a boundary line here and do not back down. Be strong. And once you have your child, limit their interaction with the child until you know you can 100% trust them. Just know, that may never come.
I am an adopted child. My real mom was the woman who adopted me and raised me.
Your sister is delusional and cruel. You are not the asshole here, she is however a huge asshole.
You will be an exponentially better mom than her.
How anyone could consider cruelty to be a joke is beyond me. Shame on your sister but even more, shame on your mother and anyone else who brushes off what was said to you.
I was raised knowing that I was adopted. My parents said I was special because my parents chose me. I was never made to feel less than in any way.
I wish you so much joy on this journey. And a bright and happy future!
I’m so sorry. I can’t think of any world where that would be a joke. Nothing is funny about it. I would not go and would say sorry, I will not have my future children around people who feel this way. By not going, you’ll already be advocating for your future children. Sending you love. ❤️
Your sister is really a piece of work… and not in a good way!
And for the record, a true parent is not about who contributes sperm, egg or pushes the baby out of the hooha – it is what comes after, how you love and parent the child.
Saying something like this is not a joke, and it was meant to hurt and belittle you.
I would definitely take a step back from a relationship with your sister…. Just think about it, if she can say shit like that to you – imagine what she can say to your child….
Your useless mother should have slapped her in the face for saying such an abhorrent thing. We don’t condone violence so she should have told her not to be so cheap and nasty with uncalled for comments.
NTA
I literally made an account to say fuck your sister. What an absolute bitch. My first son’s mom has basically abandoned him. Sees him once a month, my current wife has raised him from 2 years old.
Being a parent has absolutely NOTHING to do with bloodline. I would have made such a fucking scene at that table if I heard her say that to you.
Don’t go. That BS makes me so angry! You are a mom!
Hey OP, I wanted to tell you that not only are you NTA, but I also have the utmost respect for you for adopting, and that’s coming from someone who was adopted by an amazing mama.
I know right now it is tough, yet you have to ask yourself some questions.
If this is how they act before you have officially adopted said child(ren) how do you think they will act around them? Would they be treated with respect or do you think your mom and sister will have the same kind of nasty response?
Because believe it or not you and your husband deserve respect for your troubles, and your own family is making a “joke” out of your pain and already disrespecting your kiddo before they are even adopted, so do you want to continue to expose your family to that or do you think it might be better to step away for your own sanity and peace?
I give you the best of hope of strength, and know that your worthy of love and support.
NTA.
You’re right — that didn’t “slip,” it leaked straight from the part of her that’s been holding it in. That place isn’t called humor, it’s called resentment.
She didn’t just make a bad joke; she revealed exactly how small she wants to make you feel.
OP, it’s so painful for me to read. I can’t even imagine how it felt to listen and asked to brush it off as a “joke”.
If your mom pushes you again, ask her to explain the joke. Ask her to explain how it is not “that deep”. Also ask her what exactly sister meant but wording that way. There must be something she wanted to convey using that phrase. Ask her to do the explaining on sister’s behalf since she understands better than you ever will.
If she fumbles, stays mum or protests, say this “You exactly know what she meant. It wasn’t a joke. Nobody utters such a statement without having such thoughts. You and sister, of all people, should know and understand how much I longed to have my own babies. The universe is kind enough to let me become one to some orphan who needs mother’s love. And I’m happy for that. If you’re calling me to let it go and not hold my sister accountable for such a lowly thinking, then I am convinced that you too believe the same. I am afraid that, in future, you will treat my child less in favour of the grandchild that is of your ‘bloodline’. If you don’t mean it, apologise and ask my sister to apologise too. If you aren’t going to, I need to maintain my distance henceforth. I need to protect my own mental health.”
NTA.
Did your sister acknowledge her horrible comment, how hurtful it was, and apologize? No? Then she’s not sorry and meant it.
When people say, “It’s just a joke,” look them dead in the eyes and say, “You’re going to have to explain how it’s funny, because apparently I don’t get it. How exactly is it funny?”
NTA
NTA. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Edited to add NTA
NTA. And I’d like to share something a friend of mine said to me once. She too was going through a situation like yours (fertility issues). When she adopted a pair of siblings she said: they may not have been made BY me but they were made FOR me. I thought that was such a beautiful perspective considering all the heartbreak she has been through. You will be a mom in every way that counts!
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“Oh, I didn’t RSVP because I’m not going to her baby shower as a joke.”
“… How is not attending her baby shower a joke?”
“How is telling me I’ll never be a real mother a joke?”
NTA time to cut your AH sister from you life, probably your equally dense mother too, cos nobody needs that level of toxic selfishness in their life. I pity her poor kid being raised by someone that jealous of another family being asked a simple question & taking the spotlight off her. But back to you. Again NTA. I was adopted & I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really hope you are successful. As an adoptee, I read a saying in my teens that sticks with me decades later – some families are built from a random collision of sperm & egg, but mine exists because my parents chose ME when they could have chosen another. That is precious. Good luck.
Your sister is very cold and inconsiderate. What she said was calculated and cruel. She wants to be the star of the family with this pregnancy. She’s clearly afraid that your adopting a child will take away from her attention. Tell she and your mom that cruelty has consequences and hers is that you will be staying away from all things baby related for a while. Be aware too, she will treat your child differently than family because she doesn’t think it’s the same. If she does this, make sure not to let your child alone with her ever. Make sure the rest of your family understands that anyone that treats your child as less than will be cut off. It’s not how you envisioned being a mom, but you will be raising a child that needs you as much as you need them.
You are so NTA. And as someone who is married to an adopted person, who also has 1 sibling who is also adopted and 1 sibling who is a natural born look alike of their father, motherhood is what you make of it.
Giving birth does not make someone a real mom and adopting does not make someone not a real mom. You are the magic. You will be the mother you want to be.
I wish you all the best.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through! I am only a stepmom.
I chose not to have children, though. That was a conscious choice for me. However, people always consider it that I am not a real mother which means I’m completely overlooked on Mother’s Day All the time.
Your sister is a terrible person! Actually, She’s a big C***
NTA and I am so sorry. However congratulations on adopting and becoming a mother.
Reading your post I just know you’ll be a great mum.
Unfortunately, I think your sister believes that, it’s hardly a joke as I can’t see the humour. I’m also guessing she didn’t like the attention not being on her.
Don’t go to shower, do something for yourself on that day
NTA…. that was a view of the real her.
NO ONE who loves you even thinks that shit.
Your sister is a cow. You love her and probably won’t cancel her out of your life but you were incredibly correct about her words being her true feelings. You should separate yourself from that. Unfortunately, your mom trying to pass that crap off as just a joke also means she most likely feels the same.
You will want to be around your family again but do so knowing these are there true feelings. Also know that this is how they will see your adopted child.
Absolutely NTA. Tell your mom “good. It was supposed to make everything uncomfortable. My question is why would you not stand up for me and the pain I felt over what was said?” You can absolutely disconnect from toxic family. When asked why, tell them exactly what happened. Those who understand are the ones you want to keep close. Those who don’t you just let them fuck off on down the road. It’s a great litmus test to keep shit heads out of your life.
Our family is big on adoption. There are multiple adoptions. Some were through foster care, some were through an agency, some were because bio parent bounced and step parent stepped up WITH kids permission. I don’t believe this for a second BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, if you’re feeling especially vindictive and she has a c-section, let her know she’s not a real mom or real woman because she didn’t give birth. I’ve had both & don’t believe that horsecrap at all, but I AM vindictive & she’s trash so I wouldn’t feel bad…
Goodness….Throw your family out with the garbage. Your sister and your mom are the most gigantic, stinking POS AHs.
Some couples suddenly find themselves pregnant after an adoption. I am going to pray that happens for you because I feel you will make an amazing mom. I hope your husband and his family are supportive, since you are getting none of that with your own family.