so here’s the tea, a few years ago, my sister hired someone for her wedding planning business. this person also happened to work at my old job, and long story short, they actively sabotaged me. like, manipulated my boss, spread lies, and cost me a promotion. i was humiliated and barely recovered professionally and mentally.
now, my sister’s getting married, and she invited them. she knows what happened, but says “it’s been years, you need to let it go.” let me be real, the thought of sitting in the same room as someone who destroyed part of my life makes me want to scream.
i told her i wouldn’t go if they were there. she called me selfish, dramatic, and even accused me of trying to “control her wedding.” my parents are pressuring me to “just suck it up for family,” and friends are divided. half say i’m justified, half say i’m overreacting and ruining my sister’s day.
i know attending would feel like rewarding them, letting them win again. but skipping might make my sister resent me forever. part of me feels guilty for even thinking of standing my ground, but another part of me thinks that anyone who actively sabotages someone else doesn’t deserve a seat at family events, let alone a wedding.
so reddit, AITA for refusing to go to my own sister’s wedding because the person who ruined my career is invited? or am i justified in protecting my mental health, even if it means possibly breaking family ties?
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so here’s the tea, a few years ago, my sister hired someone for her wedding planning business. this person also happened to work at my old job, and long story short, they actively sabotaged me. like, manipulated my boss, spread lies, and cost me a promotion. i was humiliated and barely recovered professionally and mentally.
now, my sister’s getting married, and she invited them. she knows what happened, but says “it’s been years, you need to let it go.” let me be real, the thought of sitting in the same room as someone who destroyed part of my life makes me want to scream.
i told her i wouldn’t go if they were there. she called me selfish, dramatic, and even accused me of trying to “control her wedding.” my parents are pressuring me to “just suck it up for family,” and friends are divided. half say i’m justified, half say i’m overreacting and ruining my sister’s day.
i know attending would feel like rewarding them, letting them win again. but skipping might make my sister resent me forever. part of me feels guilty for even thinking of standing my ground, but another part of me thinks that anyone who actively sabotages someone else doesn’t deserve a seat at family events, let alone a wedding.
so reddit, AITA for refusing to go to my own sister’s wedding because the person who ruined my career is invited? or am i justified in protecting my mental health, even if it means possibly breaking family ties?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because by refusing to attend my sister’s wedding, I’m potentially ruining her special day and upsetting my family. Even though I feel justified, my absence could hurt her and create a major family conflict, which makes me wonder if I’m being selfish.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA this would be a crazy thing to not go to a siblings wedding for. Both of you can be adults and avoid one another if you really get that mad about this person, but you need to grow up and be there for your sister.
Technically NTA, but close.
Imo they are winning by making you skip an important family event. Why are you giving them that much power over you?
You attending is not rewarding them, nor is you skipping punishing them. It’s nothing What do they really get with you going or not going?
Honestly I doubt they even think about you anymore. But you sure seem to think about them a lot. You are letting them live in your head rent free.
The best way to win is to move on, live your life, and don’t let them impact influence what you do or don’t do.
i think you’re seeing it wrong. if you don’t go-they will win. if you go you will win and so will your sister. i know you’re upset about them but it’s not your day, someday you will get over this and when that day comes you will be happy you went to your sisters wedding.
yta your sister invites more than one hundred people to her wedding. You can easily ignore this person.
Her wedding isn’t about you
Grow up
I can’t get over the fact that your sister even hired this person to work for her.
Why would she do that? This isn’t something stupid like you and this girl just didn’t like each other- she messed with your career!
It’s funny how you have to suffer “for family”, but your sister wasn’t thinking of the “family” when she hired this person.
YTA, this is the perfect chance to “accidentally” spill some wine on the person, how can you pass it up my gosh
I agree with the poster who said you are letting this person win if you skip your sibling’s wedding because of them.
I guarantee that they are not putting as much thought into your whereabouts as you are doing about them right now.
If you had to consider joining a job where this person works as well, I’d completely understand your hesitation. But this is your sister’s wedding. Move on and get therapy if the thought of that person still rankles you badly.
Yes, YTA if you let that person make you skip the wedding
No judgment yet. I have a question? How important is your sister to your life? I mean, if she’s in any way important to you, not in a “we’re family so I HAVE to go way”, then, yeah, suck it up. If you really love her, then GO. If not going won’t torpedo an important relationship, then take that stand.
soft YTA – why are you letting this person ruin it for you??
NTA. People need to stop treating family like shit and assuming they will just “get over it” your sister is not entitled to your attendance just because you happened to be born from the same person. If she wants you in her life she will treat you with the respect you deserve.
NTA.
I know it’s rough but you should go. I have gone to a b-day party and two funerals despite them being attended also by my >!abusive!< sibling. It sucks but I refuse to let my sibling steal once in a lifetime moments from me.
By not attending your sister’s wedding, you are letting that other individual “win” and destroy yet another thing in your life.
OP, YWBTH for passing on the opportunity to kick her ass… with your eyes. You’re gonna need a montage!
NTA..
I would say go to support your sister but she clearly doesnt care about your feelings. Hopefully your family isn’t always this terrible because yikes. nta
Honestly I can’t imagine doing that to my siblings or them doing this to me – inviting someone to their wedding that one of us so obviously despises. This person is just your sister’s employee, but you are their sibling. Imo that should come first.
INFO: have you tried to have a reasonable and calm conversation with your sister about it? Not one where you are making demands, but just sharing how this makes you feel? Maybe you both should have a sit down again before you make any decisions about the wedding.
Also – it could be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone if you end up having some kind of confrontation with this person. I doubt your sister would want that at her wedding.
NTA
I wouldn’t go, your sister clearly isn’t a great sibling so why bother?
Why did your sister hire someone that tried to destroy you? Why did this person apply for your sisters company? Did she know about all of this drama and hired her anyway?
Are you a close family? This whole situation sounds toxic and if she’s the golden child and you’re always told to toe the line then maybe it’s time to cut your losses and go low contact.
Jury is out but I’ll say everyone is the ah in this.
There’s not enough context here to make a blanket decision. Like ages of everyone involved? Were you all teenagers working at McDonald’s or was this high level executive espionage?
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NTA , if you aren’t comfortable don’t go ….. protect your peace, your sister clearly doesn’t care about your feelings
NTA, but…
But, as others have said, if you don’t go your nemesis wins. Go and enjoy yourself and celebrate with your family.
In the off chance you happen to cross paths with that person, act as though what they did launched you into a career path filled with more success than you ever imagined. Give no details and spot someone you haven’t seen in years and leave nemesis in the dust.
Go to the wedding. Cause a scene. Tell them that you will never forget what they did. Then accidently spill your red wine on them…just a thought
You have it backwards.
Not going is letting her win. It’s letter her know she still has power over you.
Going lets her know that she’s irrelevant and doesn’t matter to you.
Honestly, ESH.
NTA, your sisters clearly not on your side and she’s being inconsiderate to your feelings, doesn’t matter how long ago this was. You were humiliated and you were struggling mentally becuase of this persons actions. Sister is cruel for this.
NTA, her siding with the abusive, lying, backstabbing monster makes her a terrible sister to support.
A wedding invitation is not a summons. Your sister can invite whoever she wants to her wedding but you are not obligated to attend. Why should you prioritize her feelings, when she clearly doesn’t care about yours?
That being said, it sounds like your sister may be the golden child and you not attending may permanently effect your relationship with your family. If this is a pattern of behavior and you’re willing to die on this hill, then don’t go.
Whatever you decide you are NTA.
Bro is this worth losing your sister over? And dynamics in the family etc? If so, then I guess don’t go. Your call, but I wouldn’t do that over something like this.
I don’t have any siblings so maybe I don’t have the right to speak here but I feel like if you deliberately make yourself my sister’s enemy you chose to be my enemy as well. For life.
YTA. Why are you letting this person have any more control over your life.
Being in the same room with them should not be such an issue. It shows you need growth. This is your sisters wedding. You don’t miss it for any reason.
If you see this person and you end up having to speak to them, simply say, “I didn’t want you here. Please don’t speak to me” and walk away. You don’t have to interact with them.
NTA
People are always going to unfairly take the side of the bride and that’s just stupid. Brides can make stupid choices and I don’t care if it is their day, they still made a stupid choice. And you should call them out on it. People will bend over backwards and justify everything just to make a bride happy. F that noise. They don’t get to treat people like shit and think they can come away pristine and clean.
This stupid choice is harming a family member. Everyone who says “get over it” is wrong. You don’t get to tell people how to deal with their trauma. You don’t get to tell people to suck it up. Unless you were in OP’s shoes and had your life ruined because of someone who ruined your life, you have no say in this.
People don’t seem to understand just how painful it is to lose progress in life because someone’s active choice. This person didn’t win a promotion over them, they actively sabotaged someone else for their own benefit. And now they are invited to a wedding? Nope. Stay home. Watch a movie. You sister made her choice.
She chose this person over your well being. How many more times do you think she will do that in the future?
NTA. If that’s the kind of sister I have, then I don’t care if she resents me. She’s an AH for telling you to let it go.
If she really loved you, she would understand. Or actually, she wouldn’t invite them in the first place.
NTA. Your sister is. She invites someone who caused you ruined you mentally and cost you your career. And if she invited this person once she’ll be invited to other social functions. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. And you wonder why your sister discounts your feelings and the horrible effect this had on your life. Stay home and rent a movie.
I feel like everyone saying YTA has no idea what it’s like to have a coworker who is deliberately out to sabotage you and ruin your life. It’s not just a shitty coworker, it’s someone who is actively lying and targeting you for their own gain.
When I was a kid my mother had a coworker like that. She worked in healthcare and had some very nasty lies spread about her by a coworker; it’s not a small thing having to prove your innocence against a purposefully false accusation. I would never invite that person to anything.
I think people in this thread would understand your position more if it was something like a false criminal allegation and not “just work”. It’s the same type of betrayal.
No judgement because there’s no good solution. My advice would be that if you go, be really friendly to them. It throws snakes off their game because they often expect hostility and know how to turn it in their favour.
If I read this correctly, it sounded like your sister hired the person long after the issue you and the person had at your old job. Did you and your sister have any conversation about the situation when she hired her?
If she was employed by your sister it’s normal for her to have invited her to the wedding. If it’s been a number of years, I agree with an earlier post that said going would show you as the winner…that you’re just fine and couldn’t care less about her.
I would tell your sister you will be there to support her. Are you in the wedding party?
Yeah, wtf is wrong with your sister? If this was my sister, hell would freeze over before she’d invite someone who’d done that to me.
NTA
Everyone voting that Y T A is deliberately missing the part where your own damn sister invited a person who hurt you this badly. They nearly ruined your career. That could have cost you further stability. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be able to look at my sister the same. That she views this person more important than you.
How have you and your sister handled that person potentially being in your presence over the past few years? If they’ve been working at your sister’s business for years, surely you must have come into contact, right?
If the sister knows what happened with this person and she still wants that person at her wedding, it just shows who’s more important to her. Don’t go.
How would attending feel like you’re rewarding your enemy? If anything, it’s the opposite. Not showing up shows they’re still living rent free in your head and taking up space in your heart and now they’ve won because you are so concerned about them seeing you that you wouldn’t even go to your own sisters wedding.
Showing up would be a bold “F U” and “IDC” and “you’re nothing to me” vibes.
Show them you’re getting on with life and that what they did didn’t ruin you and that you’re not still affected by it years later.
Go, go and act like that person doesn’t exist in any meaningful way. Borrow or rent a designer dress. Look like a million bucks and go all in on your swagger. Be classy and smug like that person did you a favor.
It has been often repeated but “living well is the best revenge” (G. Herbert)
I have a feeling your sister invited her on purpose. You have a sister problem
You’re a drama queen AH. The best revenge is letting them see you happy and having a blast living your best life. Why are you so quick to assume you can’t have fun at your sister’s wedding because that person is there?