I (33F) gave birth to my son in the first week of November, and Thanksgiving was just 2 1/2 weeks later. Before giving birth, I made it clear that my baby and I would be staying home for Thanksgiving. Since I ended up having a C-section, this became even more important for my healing. My mother-in-law (MIL) was upset and apparently stated at the Thanksgiving dinner I did not attend that she “doesn’t understand interracial relationships or why people do them.” I am white, and my husband (35) is Puerto Rican.
I tried to ignore her statement; however, I’m the type of person whose face shows everything. Fast forward to two months postpartum—my MIL was holding my son and became angry when photos weren’t sent to her daily. She started yelling and cursing at me. I calmly stood up, approached her, and said, “Give me my baby.” She then shoved me, with my son in her arms, pulled him away from me, and called me a b*tch.
Several months later, I have yet to receive a real apology, let alone an in-person one. My husband believes we need to discuss things in person, even though I’ve expressed that she refuses to take accountability for her actions and her racist comments. I’m not willing to have an in-person conversation until she can truly take responsibility.
When I addressed her via text, hoping to resolve things for my husband’s sake, she became defensive, denied making the racial comments, and blamed me for not smiling at her when she arrived at my home (mind you, I was two months postpartum, a first-time mom recovering from surgery). It’s hard to smile at someone who makes nasty comments when you’re not around, especially after giving birth to our beautiful biracial baby. She claimed she doesn’t feel welcome in my home but expects me to visit her home with my son, despite the fact that she had been willing to put her hands on me in MY home.
This situation is causing significant issues between me and my husband. Am I the AITA?
Comments
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Your husband is playing peacekeeper. Peacekeepers are great, but it needs to be a neutral third party, not the person who vowed to support you.
NTA.
She assaulted you in your home, enough said if your husband is too much of a moms boy to defend you from that he never will.
I’ll only tell you stick to your boundaries and raise your son better than she raised hers.
NTA-She is doing the dominance power playbook. No more conversations with her. All communication goes through your husband and Let him know there will be no compromise on this. You expect a full on apology and not an attitude one. Hopefully he was there when she called you that so he can’t claim ignorance. Tell him you understand culture but he is now going to get the treatment from both sides until he either fixes the blatant racism, cuts her off, or asks you for a divorce.
If my mother-in-law had called me a wh*** and made racist comments towards me, she would never be allowed near my son again. It is unacceptable for your husband to tolerate his behavior
NTA, but you have a husband problem. Nothing needs to be “discussed”–HE need to tell his mother that unless and until she apologizes for her racist attitude and comments, name-calling, as well as physically assaulting you, there will be NO CONTACT and she will NOT see your son. She also needs to understand that if she is given another chance but pulls the same crap, the no contact will be permanent.
He needs to stand up for you and behind you, and put his mother in her place, which should be after you and your baby.
NTA. Your husband and his horrid mother are. I’d insist on couples counseling.
Nta, she will never admit wrong doing, has already physically assaulted you while holding your child, then withheld the child. She will at some point attack you again, both verbally and physically. Her son is used to her because he grew up with her behavior. I wish you luck in this because you have a husband problem too you just haven’t realized it yet.
NTA but I think you know this…. I have a feeling his mother is going to need this clearly explained to her by multiple people, so maybe ask your husband if he has family members who are finding her treatment of you disrespectful and ask if they’ll talk to her as well. Until you get accountability and feel like the situation is resolved your boundaries seem very fair.
NTA I would not let her hold my child again. Forget the apology about her racist BS, she manhandled your newborn! You do not do that with a baby! You most definitely never get between a newborn and it’s mom.
Your husband is the real problem.
NTA. You don’t feel comfortable in her home so I guess you’re at a stalemate. You have something she wants, she has nothing you want or need. You are in the driver’s seat and your DH needs to support you first and foremost.
NTA at all. Tape your conversations. Just give her the courtesy to tell her you are taping all encounters. I had to do this with an in law and ALL my problems were immediately solved. It made him take responsibility for his actions and potentially be responsible for the words he “never” said! BIL no longer attempts to dictate our business and husband no longer hears something else. I know it was a very harsh a thing to do, but l am glad l took the step. I never had to stand up for myself in such a way. But when dealing with toxic people the sooner you address it, the better for you, your husband, your baby and your marriage. Best of luck. You have this.
She physically shoved you and insulted you and was being a racist ass and your husband did nothing?
Girlllll. You need to leave. That’s all there is to it. Pack up your baby and go back to be with your family.
You have a husband problem he needs to unlatch from mommy’s tit and protect his wife and child.
“despite the fact that she had been willing to put her hands on me in MY home”
THAT is the last time you should ever have even recognized she was alive.
She is dead to you and your child. .
She is irrelevant and if your husband thinks that YOU are the problem – he needs to wake up or go home to his mommy.
He can’t be expecting you to forgive her words when her actions have been worse.
NTA
Should have called the cops on her when she assaulted you and put your child in danger. Tell your husband you and your child are done with her. She will not see you or your child again. Updateme
NTA when she was yelling & shoved you I would have called the police. She assaulted you. There is nothing to resolve other than a restraining order against her. NTA
NTA she’s a racist bully and put hands on ypu in your own home, your safe space. If she’s racist why should she be around your mixed race baby. Your husband should’ve been shutting this down and standing up for you, especially when she assaulted you. Tell him he’s welcome to have a relationship with her, but you and the baby are the wrong race and will not be visiting. Also that since she insulted and assaulted you in your own home she’s not welcome to visit. If he can’t support you tell him to go back to his mommy! Updateme
NTA. Your husband is though. His mom and her behavior toward you is HIS responsibility. He needs to have your back all the time, every time.
I’d press charges on her for assault
Accountability is not an option, it is a duty. You are doing everything right.
nta
Tell your myopic husband there’s nothing to discuss with his incorrigible mom. Go low to no contact with this bitch for as long as you please.
NTA. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my child until she apologizes.
I’m confused as to why there is any possibility that a woman who physically and verbally attacked you would ever see your son again?
You are NTA. Your husband is a huge asshole for even entertaining the thought of his mother being in your lives without first demanding a huge apology and atonement. He’s not playing peacekeeper–he is full on his mother’s side, probably because she is the “more difficult” one. You don’t have to be “more difficult”, but don’t back down. And if things are “tense”, call him out. She attacked you. Until she has proven she has changed and remorseful, there’s no question about her being in your son’s life.
She doesn’t like you or respect you because you are white. That is really gross. YNTA
NTA
My ex FIL once attacked my ex SIL when she was holding my then 9 month old son. I never forgot that.
Your MIL has some very toxic ideas about respect etc.
You’re the mother you decide what’s best for your child.
Id never f with her again in life
If your husband doesn’t have your back, you’ve got a bigger problem than your MIL.
Make sure she AND your husband know that if she ever lays hands on you again, you will file a police report for assault. And at that point she will never see you or your child again… except perhaps during his custody time after the divorce if he doesn’t have your back
you don’t negotiate with Terrace. When somebody makes racist comments and then they scream at you and they shove you while you have a new baby in your arms that’s just who they are. Then when they deny that they said something racist it’s not about sitting down and discussing anything. They screamed. Your husband might be more acclimated to this behavior I’m guessing. This is absolutely inappropriate. If you choose to not be in touch with this person, and by the way, do not text or phone them ever again or email. Your husband can be in charge of all of that. He can know them. you can figure out how you feel about her being such a racist and having contact with your kids when they get older and are capable of dealing with stuff. They don’t need ONE moment where she makes a racial inference to go into their memory and into who they are. Because it will. It’s a enormously damaging. they are going to get enough of that in the world and you know that. To get that kind of crap from family? Tells a child that they deserve that kind of hate and sense of lack of worthiness. Please trust yourself here. This is very extreme.
NTA
You have a serious husband problem. NTA. This is not going to end well unless he grows a pair and starts supporting the family he took a vow to forsake all others for. I’m sorry you have endured this abuse and that your husband has not backed you up.
NTA. I’m sorry what? How is this causing issues between you and your husband? The only “issue” is why he hasn’t gone NC with his Mom after she shoved you, refused to give you back your baby and called you a b*tch. That’s messed up. You need marriage counseling because no one should be forced into a relationship that is abusive.
Your shitty husband wants you to make amends with his racist mother, who physically assaulted you while she held your son and verbally abused you? Really? Your husband is a terrible spouse and father. That he is still speaking to her is insane.
Y T A if you let him coerce you into this. Why is this not a deal breaker for you? Racist and abusive does not make for a good partner of anyone’s life.
NTA. Also, am I right in assuming your husband does not have a smart phone with a camera or he would be taking the “blame” for not sending enough daily pictures?
Otherwise, how did that become your job?
MIL needs to F off
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a back bone and confront his mother.
No, you are fine. She won’t change.
NTA. Stick to your guns. She is LOSING this battle. And she knows it. She’s just the fucking grandma, powerless against you, the actual damn mama. Again, she is losing, which means she will get noisier as she accelerates down the drain. Ignore it. Again, stick to your guns. She is old and running out of time, while you have all the time in the world, and the baby. Good luck.
Tell hubby he picks a side either goes home and crawls back to mommy’s boob or he supports his wife and child you know the one he married and made vows with. If he doesn’t pick you and baby then it’s time to leave with baby and go to your family and he can deal with mommy.
Tell your idiot husband that you refuse to put yourself in a situation where his mother can physically assault you again, so he can get on board with doing this over a video call or accept that you’ll never be in the same room as his mother again.
Why isn’t this jackass defending you?
NTA. Honestly, unless your husband reaches around with both hands, and finds his spine to protect you, this marriage is doomed. You will either get divorced, or have a miserable life, motherhood ruined.
Tell your husband that he shouldn’t eat at a table where his wife is not welcome. If anyone, including his mother, disparages you, like that interracial comment, he needs to tell her to respect his wife, or they’re leaving. If his mother put hands on you, and put your baby in danger like that, then he needs to tell his mother that’s assault, will never be tolerated, and you will go NC until she apologizes to his wife. After the apology, she would still not be allowed to hold the baby again until both you and him are certain she will control herself and be safe.
Tell your husband that if he knew his mother would get violent with you, while he passively stood by, then he should have told you so you would not have married him. You are willing to try couples counseling for a few months to see if he is willing to learn how to set healthy boundaries with his mother.
If he won’t defend you and your child, then you will.
If your husband argues for you to accept violence and racism from his mother, or he brings your baby to the woman who assaulted his wife, then the marriage may need to end.
NTA – she’d never see me or baby again after the shoving incident
NTA. She assaulted you and insulted you in YOUR own home. That’s a hard one
I wouldn’t visit her even to save my life. She already assaulted you and you going to her territory? No way!
I think she will take accountability if you see her realize she was in the wrong. I know she was, but let me tell you how Latino mentality works: parents are seen as having special privileges, as the undoubted leaders, and if they wronged you, you have to take it. I know because I live in a Latino country
Above all mothers and this is a sequel of the Spanish conquest: because our populations where created through violence and r*ape, a child knew who their mother was, but not their father and he wasn’t expected to be in their lives, unless he decided to. So mother’s are holy. I know the conquest happened in 1521 (in my country), but it’s how our culture was made: the worst you can do is insult someone’s mother. In my country is quite used “chinga a tu madre” (fvck your mother), but you can call anyone “bastard” and is not offensive
So in your MIL’s mind she was in the absolute right for you not smiling at her: you where the nasty one and she just did what was expected. I don’t know how long she has been living in the USA; but she was raised with those values, for sure
Now, to the racial comment she “doesn’t understand interracial relationships or why people do them.” It’s not that much about race, but about culture: what she really doesn’t understand is people from different cultures have relationships. Don’t get me wrong, Latinos are VERY racist. And that’s exactly why I know she has nothing against whites, on the contrary: the clearer features you have, the best acceptance you get
Even I am Latina and live in a Latino country, I absolutely don’t share this values. I am just telling you what they are so you can plan accordingly. If you expect she takes responsibility for pushing you, you’ll get when hell freezes. In her mind, you where very rude for not smiling at the all powerful mother and then tried to take HER grandchild from her, because YOU didn’t sent her pictures as she wanted them, so it’s YOUR fault you got yelled and insulted in the first place
Again, even I am Latina, you’re in the absolute right. Since your MIL lives in the USA she should have adapted to the values of that country already (and any country she decides to live in, for that matter), but it’s easy to write, and very hard to follow
Another tip: if you want to keep your happy marriage, my best advice is to do what your husband says. He grew in that culture, he knows the rules. If you insist on your point (the correct one, BTW), you will be the bad guy, no doubt in my mind
Being honest you’re never going to get an apology. Your husband needs to step up and handle this situation. I suspect his dad has always coward down to your husband’s mother as others have too. Keep your boundaries, I would hate to see you or your precious child hurt.
This is a husband problem not aMIL problem fix or leave the husband and MIL is irrelevant
You’re a white woman. You have no right to be offended when someone shits on you. At least that’s the case these days. Besides if she said what you said she said, it’s hardly offensive. Almost like you’re looking for a reason to be offended. Toughen up.
She assaulted you with your child in her arms. It appears you have a husband problem too if he’s not livid at his mom and screaming at her on the daily to apologize and take accountability. He should have you and his baby as his top priority. Fuck mom’s feelings about it.
She can go to hell.
Definitely NTA but INFO: was it your husband that told you what was said about you at Thanksgiving and if so, why would he want to make an already-tense relationship worse and hurt your feelings enormously, only to try to rug-sweep it to stay on mommy’s good side?
NTA, but your husband is the bigger problem. He is not standing up and making this stop. Go no contact. He is either on your side or hers. There is no middle ground.
Your mother in law hates you and your husband is choosing her over you.
You need to avoid that woman like the plague, and keep your child away from her as well. A grandmother who hates her grandchild’s mother is a shitty grandparent. Kids don’t need shitty grandparents. Your MIL will make sure she tells your child unpleasant things about you and will work to win your child’s favor over yours.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this but you need to focus, not on your husband or his stupid mother, but on your relationship with your child. NTA.