My (28F) brother (32M) is going through a messy divorce. I have been a huge supporter of his the entire time and have been helping him prepare for all of the mediating and custody sessions, always answer the phone to talk to him at any hour day or night, and go over to my parents’ house where he is living to spend time with him and his son.
Tomorrow he needs help moving everything out of his old house. He told us about it weeks ago, and I had told him that my husband was going to stay home with our 3-month-old and that I would come help him move and be there for moral support. There were no issues and that was the plan for weeks.
Today, the day before the move, I guess a few of his friends bailed on helping. The rest of my family was still planning to go, but all of a sudden I started getting texts from my brother and my parents that I shouldn’t come because his ex-wife will want to talk to me while I’m there and that will hurt my brother. They demanded that my husband come instead to avoid this.
I dug my heels in because my wonderful husband has been a stay-at-home dad for the first time this past week when I went back to work and I can just tell he is exhausted from watching our baby with no help. It’s a very draining job. Plus, I’d told him weeks ago that I was going and he should stay home. I do not want to force him to go help my brother move with a day’s notice while I stay home.
So I told my parents and brother that I would not go near the ex-wife and still wanted to help, but that I did not feel comfortable forcing my husband to go at the last minute. They all declined and now I’m getting sob stories from all of them about how hard this is for my brother, about how difficult the ex-wife is being with the move, and that my being there will make it worse.
Well, I decided that neither of us are going. I feel like they’re being manipulative and just want another man to come help move heavy items and are trying to guilt-trip me into sending my husband. I’m not even close to his ex-wife and haven’t spoken to her at all while all this has been happening so I find it very convenient that my presence became an issue as soon as some other strong men bailed.
I can tell my brother is pissed at me and probably thinks I’m the asshole for staying home with my husband during such a hard time. I think him and my parents are the assholes for suddenly creating this narrative that my husband needs to go in my place. But I’m often blinded by my stubbornness so I could be totally wrong here.
AITA?
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My (28F) brother (32M) is going through a messy divorce. I have been a huge supporter of his the entire time and have been helping him prepare for all of the mediating and custody sessions, always answer the phone to talk to him at any hour day or night, and go over to my parents’ house where he is living to spend time with him and his son.
Tomorrow he needs help moving everything out of his old house. He told us about it weeks ago, and I had told him that my husband was going to stay home with our 3-month-old and that I would come help him move and be there for moral support. There were no issues and that was the plan for weeks.
Today, the day before the move, I guess a few of his friends bailed on helping. The rest of my family was still planning to go, but all of a sudden I started getting texts from my brother and my parents that I shouldn’t come because his ex-wife will want to talk to me while I’m there and that will hurt my brother. They demanded that my husband come instead to avoid this.
I dug my heels in because my wonderful husband has been a stay-at-home dad for the first time this past week when I went back to work and I can just tell he is exhausted from watching our baby with no help. It’s a very draining job. Plus, I’d told him weeks ago that I was going and he should stay home. I do not want to force him to go help my brother move with a day’s notice while I stay home.
So I told my parents and brother that I would not go near the ex-wife and still wanted to help, but that I did not feel comfortable forcing my husband to go at the last minute. They all declined and now I’m getting sob stories from all of them about how hard this is for my brother, about how difficult the ex-wife is being with the move, and that my being there will make it worse.
Well, I decided that neither of us are going. I feel like they’re being manipulative and just want another man to come help move heavy items and are trying to guilt-trip me into sending my husband. I’m not even close to his ex-wife and haven’t spoken to her at all while all this has been happening so I find it very convenient that my presence became an issue as soon as some other strong men bailed.
I can tell my brother is pissed at me and probably thinks I’m the asshole for staying home with my husband. I think him and my parents are the assholes for suddenly creating this narrative that my husband needs to go in my place.
AITA?
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> My brother thinks I’m the asshole for refusing to send my husband to help him move during his divorce.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Honestly, you’ve already gone above and beyond for your brother throughout this whole situation. You were fully ready to show up again until they suddenly pulled this “your presence will upset the ex” excuse which really just feels like a cover-up because they need another guy to help lift stuff. It’s super unfair of them to try and guilt you like that.
Also, your husband just started full-time parenting a 3-month-old. That’s not exactly a walk in the park, and it’s not your job to rearrange everything last minute because their plans fell through. You offered your time and support, and they rejected it. That’s on them, not you.
They’re hiding something and are afraid you’ll find out.
NTA. Your brother should have hired movers weeks ago when first planning this move. Pizza and beer are no longer motivators to get people to help one move.
Eh, I wouldn’t send my husband but I’d still go.
No. They don’t get to use your husband like he’s a longshoreman. Why didn’t your brother hire a couple of college kids like a normal person?
Nta
They want your husband’s muscle. It’s pretty simple. I’m going to guess he’s stronger than you & can move more stuff aka be more useful in a moving situation. NTA because nobody is entitled to anyone’s help. But I don’t think they’re hiding anything nefarious. Just just want a man, assuming he is stronger. They should just be honest & say that, “Hey since X & X bailed on helping, we really could use H’s muscle. Can he come instead?” Would you be offended by that honesty?
NTA. You’ve been on your brothers side all along.
If they are worried about you talking to his ex, I’m guessing it’s because she wants to “tell you the whole story”.
I imagine that he wouldn’t want you to know any ugly details about him, and that he assumes your husband would respect “bro code” if he caught whiff of anything.
How strange! NTA.
You offered to go and were willing to do it. They were the ones who decided your help wasn’t good enough. I might have still gone anyway just so they couldn’t exaggerate ex-wife’s villainy. Sounds like she was terrible without you there so not sure how your husband would have made that better or you could have made it worse. It does appear very nonsensical. I would have cut the bs when you said neither of you were coming and at least gotten you back on board rather than be down another full body.
Also you have a new baby and are working? They really shouldn’t have made you think twice about helping brother move.
He’s the asshole for refusing your help and changing his plans.
I’m too naïve to understand the convenience of you, strong men, etc.
Yeah your brother sounds like a handful. I think I get why she left him
“Gee, it’s a shame you’ll have to do it all by yourself then. I certainly don’t want to upset your ex-wife. Good luck – let me know how it went.”
NTA. Enjoy your unexpectedly free day.
Updateme
NTA there was an agreement who would help.
Ans speaking politely to his ex harms no one in any case. Unless it’s an ego.
You are definitely not the asshole. Your title is misleading because you aren’t refusing to help. YOUR BRO and family is refusing to let you help. There are things in life we don’t get to choose. How people we help accept it( i.e. not getting to stipulate how someone spends money we give them), and how someone willing to help us provides that help. Those are healthy boundaries. You are willing to provide your time and love to support him. He is turning down what you are willing to do. He doesn’t then, get to be mad at you because the help you are offering is acceptable for him. That’s it. I don’t know him, but I but based on what you said, I have a feeling why more than one person has “bailed on him” and he doesn’t have more friends willing to help. But that is not your problem. I applaud your sensitivity for your husband. Am I correct in guessing that you expect that he would say yes if you asked him regardless if he wanted to or not, which is why you didn’t even ask?
NTA. You all are in your late 20s and up. It’s time to hire professional movers and stop using friends and family. Your knees and backs will thank you. Send your brother the number of a reputable mover and enjoy a quiet weekend with your husband and baby.
GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF AND HUSBAND!
They should have just told you that they needed your husband’s muscle instead of this stupid narrative they’re spinning. But, more importantly, they should have just hired movers. NTA>
NTA.
INFO: Why are they so adamant to separate you and your ex-SIL? I apologize for assuming the worst about your brother/SIL, but what exactly is their deal? Do you know what happened to cause the divorce?
Sad that your brother, a grown man, has had to involve the entire family in his messy divorce. Moving companies are a thing.
NTA. Just stay home and enjoy with your baby and husband . They will figure it out themselves.you have shown lot’s of support already.
If they are pissed, it’s ok . They will calm down eventually. Op also can claim , she don’t want her husband to encounter with toxic ex SIL. So let’s stay away and stay safe.
NTA. You’ve already been showing up for your brother a lot, and it honestly feels like they made up this excuse just to get your husband to do the heavy lifting. Like… suddenly your presence is a “problem” the second they realize they’re short on muscle? That’s sketchy.
Also, you gave them plenty of notice that your husband wasn’t going. He just started solo parenting a newborn, and now they expect him to drop everything last-minute? No way. You’re allowed to have boundaries, especially when you’ve been nothing but supportive up until now. Let them be mad. You’re not their backup moving crew.
What if… she wants to tell you the truth of the divorce and it’s your brother at fault and he doesn’t want no one else to know. Cause that’s a very very odd request. NTA… but definitely stay out of it. He’s a grown man that can hire movers
NTA.
“I’m sorry my presence would be hurtful to you. Of course I won’t go, since you don’t want me there. I’m sorry, my husband isn’t available then.”
NTA There’s an old saying where I come from: “When you’re under 30 you ask friends. When you’re over 30 you hire movers”. Not surprised the friends bailed.
Everyone still can help pack but tell him to look for “2 guys and a truck” listings to move the stuff.
So your hubby is exhausted from watching the kid all week so you want to leave him to watch the kid??
Does your husband want to go? As a stay at home mom sometimes i dont mind doing something else that’s still work just without baby on my hip
WTH? Stop discussing this with your family members.
Go for an hour or two. Be cordial to everyone. Load a couple of boxes. Go home to your hubs and baby.
No reason to change your plans. Your fam is being weird and unreasonable.
NTA
You’re not wrong.
They are doing exactly what you think. And are upset that the manipulation didn’t work.
Well it depends. You said that your husband is exhausted from spending time with your baby, but you were going to leave hi again alone with the baby and that was fine. But helping your brother would be too much. Did you talk about this with your husband or did you decide by yourself that he didn’t want to go.
My husband would have been happy to help. I would even say he would prefer going to do something physical for a change.
So if you didn’t have a conversation with your husband, I would say YTA. But if you talked with him and he agreed not really wanting to go NTA.
NTA. Your bro should have just been straight and said we need more muscle for the heavier things. I used to help a lot of people move when I was younger especially one friend who moved his family around like a band of gypsies. I was glad when he bought a house and that was his last move!!
Your brother should have hired movers.
The risk of injury helping someone move furniture is too great.
My sister in law is moving soon and I volunteered to come over and clean. I strongly suggested she hired movers when she hinted at needing help with moving furniture.
She has now hired movers but has asked that I come over to move some items that are fragile. I agreed thinking there can’t be that many. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of pieces of a collection she is keeping. They are heavy and I am dreading it.
You are three months post partum. Your body hasn’t healed. Do not help your brother move!! You are an increased risk of a hernia and a prolapse and surgery is major surgery to repair both – but with a prolapse you will never be the same again.
Stay home !!
NTA!
They are acting like they are entitled to yours and your husband’s help at their whim. You offered to go, and they told you they now have a problem with it. At this point, both of you staying home is the best option. If you end up going then you wont be hearing the end of it from them, and if your husband goes then they will learn they can manipulate and take advantage of you.
Its a shame it came to this, but they are the ones who brought it here, not you.
NTA. I would tell them all that they have offended you and that you’re staying home with your new family instead, and good luck to them.
I mean…. did you ask your husband if he would want to go? It’s entirely possible he’d welcome it.
NTA, but it does seem like they also wanted the muscle your husband might provide. Or the ex has been trying to bring you into drama without your knowledge and they want to avoid that.