I (24F) don’t want to help my parents move out of the country, and they’re calling me selfish for it.
Growing up, I was very sheltered. My parents discouraged independence and encouraged me to stay home and use my SSI benefits to help pay their rent. When I turned 18 and started community college, I didn’t qualify for financial aid, so I wanted to get a job. Once the Social Security office found out, they gradually removed my benefits. From that point on, I’ve relied solely on my own income.
At 22, I tried to move out. I was only working part-time, so I rented a room and lived there for three months (I left for unrelated reasons, not financial ones). Later that year, I moved into my university dorms and supported myself while working full-time and pursuing my bachelor’s degree.
After a year, my parents asked me to come back home to “save money” and finish school. Then in January, they suddenly told me they’d be moving out of the country in August, and that I’d need to figure things out for myself.
So, I had to:
- Pay over $1,000 for a premium driving school package (5 driving lessons and taking the behind the wheel test.)
- Buy a car entirely on my own
- Find and secure my own apartment All while working full-time and finishing school.
Now that I’m on my own, they’re asking me to:
- Store their belongings in my apartment
- Pay to ship some of their items overseas
- Take in their dog (they initially threatened to euthanize him if I didn’t), which led me to spend $500 to get him certified as an emotional support animal, only for them to later change their minds and say they want to take him with them
- Help them pack
- Locate and complete DMV forms for them
I’ve told them no, and now they’re calling me selfish and ungrateful.
Here’s how I see it:
- I was a child. They were obligated to support me, it’s not a favor I now owe them for.
- I’ve had to do everything in my adult life alone. Any help they gave was voluntary; I never asked for it.
- I warned them to do their own planning. If I were leaving the country, I’d make sure I was prepared. I wouldn’t expect someone else, especially my child, to handle it for me.
I finally have a great job, a place to live, and some stability. I just want to focus on my own life now. But they’re making me feel like I’m abandoning them or being cold when I say no.
AITA for wanting to set boundaries and not take on their responsibilities?
TL;DR: My parents are moving out of the country and want me to store their stuff, ship items, take their dog, and do their paperwork, after already putting me through years of stress and forcing me to be financially independent early on. I said no, and now they’re calling me selfish. AITA?
Comments
Call the border security of the country they are moving to and tell them they are a threat to their local populace’s mental well-being
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I’m being judged for is refusing to help them pack, handle paperwork, store items, or assist financially in their international move.
They think I’m the asshole because they believe I owe them support for what they’ve done for me in the past.
I’m wondering if I might be wrong because while I feel I’ve been forced to be independent, maybe I’m being too harsh now that they need help.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You had me until “paid $500 to get him (the dog) certified as an emotional support animal.”
There is no certification process for an ESA.
It costs nothing more than getting a counselor or therapist to give you a letter saying he is. Even retail, in person, a single session to get that wouldn’t cost anything like $500.
YTA – You’re an adult. You’re complaining that they’re ASKING for things (they can always ask). You made choices and you’re now living with them.
NTA While I can understand wanting help for a big move, a few red flags have popped up that tell me there is a deeper problem here. They discouraged you to become independant so they could keep using your benefits, they threated to kill their own dog if you didn’t take it (MAJOR red flag) and expect you to partially pay for their moving costs. Their behavior isn’t okay, they sound very selfish. OP it’s okay to say no to all this, you are not the asshole for saying no.
ESH
I think everyone is being unreasonable. It’s reasonable for you to set some boundaries, it’s unreasonable for you to refuse to help all together because you “warned” them, especially if you lived with them well into your 20s.
OTOH, it’s kind of unreasonable for you to take on any financial burden for them and they shouldn’t be putting you in that position.
There should be an agreeable happy medium for you all here.
Nta
NTA good riddance. They’ve done nothing to help you and a ton to hold you back. Don’t help them.
NTA, situation sounds messed up all around, it’s probably a good thing they’re moving far away.
Tell them to get a storage that THEY pay for for their belongings. Make it clear that you will not take on that responsibility.
Tell them you will not be shipping or paying to ship their belongings.
Tell them you have to work and study and cannot help pack.
Dont argue with them. Just tell them one time “I said I can’t.”
And be done with it.
> Take in their dog (they initially threatened to euthanize him if I didn’t)
Holy fucking shit.
Just run far away. Or I guess they already are, so problem solved. NTA, but stop trying to resolve this. Time to cut ties.
keep the dog lose the abusive parents
NTA
Egh. It’s a lot of a lot.
Congratulations on having a really good and stable life! You’ve worked hard and you should be proud of all your accomplishments.
Girl, obviously you were sheltered. Do you even know why you qualified for SSI benefits to begin with?
“ I can’t take on your dog and I can’t store your stuff. U-store it over on Main Street has good prices. I’m too busy unpacking my own apartment to help you guys pack. I also don’t know anything about DMV forms.”
Also, I want you to ask yourself : what would happen if I did not pack for them. I mean really what would happen? Would they yell at you? So what? Will they not talk to you? I mean they’re moving countries they’re already not really concerned with you.”