I (47M) have been married to my wife, “Marie” (46F) for over 20 years. We have two children, “Alice” (18F) and “Eric” (17M).
We are fairly relaxed parents (our kids are allowed to drink, go out, try new things as long as we know and it’s safely done – preferably in our house). It’s legally allowed in our country.
Recently, Eric went to party and happened to get in a fight. It was at one of his friends houses, which means he caused quite a bit of damage.
After we seeked medical attention for him I received a call from the parent of the boy who threw the party. He insisted Eric did quite a lot in damages and I should be reliable for the compensation (or atleast part of it).
The issue is, Alice recently got into the college of her choice, and I had been saving up to pay for her tuition. If I paid for the damages Eric caused, it would seriously delay my ability to pay for Alice’s education and would force her into financial aid.
I explained to both my wife and Eric that I would not tamper with Alice’s education because Eric made a dumb mistake.
Eric has savings that he worked for for months on end (overtime, extra work all the time) to save and it would cover all of the expenses.
He wanted to put that towards his start-up or invest it in the stock market.
My wife thinks it’s cruel to make Eric utilise his savings when Alice can easily take financial aid. I think it would be unfair to Alice to make her take out a loan when I promised her tuition.
Eric and my wife are extremely upset at me, we have not told Alice anything, but I feel like I shouldn’t budge on this.
The parent of the boy is an old time friend of mine and assured me that lawyers will not be brought into this mess, but he does expect the money.
I want to clarify that Eric has been punished in ways we see fit and he is definitely remorseful. He is otherwise a good kid and I am sure he has learnt his lesson.
AITA?
(Edited for minor grammar mistakes)
Comments
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I (47M) have been married to my wife, “Marie” (46M) for over 20 years. We have two children, “Alice” (18F) and “Eric” (17M).
We are fairly relaxed parents (our kids are allowed to drink, go out, try new things as long as we know and it’s safely done – preferably in our house). It’s legally allowed in our country.
Recently, Eric went to party and happened to get in a fight. It was at one of his friends houses, which means he caused quite a bit of damage.
After we seeked medical attention for him I received a call from the parent of the boy who threw the party. He insisted Eric did quite a lot in damages and I should be reliable for the compensation (or atleast part of it).
The issue is, Alice recently got into the college of her choice, and I had been saving up to pay for her tuition. If I paid for the damages Eric caused, it would seriously delay my ability to pay for Alice’s education and would force her into financial aid.
I explained to both my wife and Eric that I would tamper with Alice’s education because Eric made a dumb mistake.
Eric has savings that he worked for months on end (overtime, extra work all the time) to save and it would cover all of the expenses.
He wanted to put that towards his start-up or invest it in the stock market.
My wife thinks it’s cruel to make Eric utilise his savings when Alice can easily take financial aid. I think it would be unfair to Alice to make her take out a loan when I promised her tuition.
Eric and my wife are extremely upset at me, we have not told Alice anything, but I feel like I shouldn’t budge on this.
The parent of the boy is an old time friend of mine and assured me that lawyers will be brought into this mess, but he does expect the money.
I want to clarify that Eric has been punished in ways we see fit and he is definitely remorseful. He is otherwise a good kid and I am sure he has learnt his lesson.
AITA?
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> Refusing to pay the damages from my own money even though I have enough and draining my son’s life savings.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You wouldn’t be the asshole, NTA. Why does your wife think it’s okay to punish your daughter for something her son did? Why does she think your son shouldn’t have to [literally] pay for his screw up?
NTA. Eric is being selfish and needs to take responsibility for the damages he caused. He knew he only had so much money before causing the damages. Why should Alice be punished for what he did?
Eric needs to pay. FAFO. Why should Alive have to pay for Eric’s screw up.
NTA. Eric needs to pay for all the expenses. Your daughter shouldn’t be punished (ie: having to take out a loan) for her brother’s poor decision.
NTA- he drank alcohol, he got into a physical altercation and he created damage. It has nothing to do with you. Please do not jeopardize your daughters financial future because of your son’s immature and destructive choices. I understand he had other plans with his money, but he should’ve thought about that before he destroyed someone else’s property. Maybe ask for another estimate to see if it’s cheaper than the initial amount asked of you. He wants to drink like an adult he has to pay for any damage he causes just like an adult.
Eric should pay for the damage he caused. Alice should not pay for Eric’s damage. He should think twice before he acts like an ass again and real consequences have a way of teaching that lectures do not. NTA. Stick to your decision.
NTA, Eric needs to see the consequences to his actions.
YTA for raising somebody who goes gets into fights and damages other peoples houses. NTA for making him pay for it. Hopefully there are significant consequences beyond that as well.
NTA…Your son needs to learn to take responsibility. Your wife needs to stop being part of the problem.
NTA. Him having to literally pay for it is the perfect life lesson for Eric. Otherwise all you are teaching Alice is that she has to pay for her brother’s stuff ups. Stand your ground on this one.
Your son needs to learn the consequences. Dumb mistake or not, he was a hothead and created damage. This means using HIS saved money rather than parental savings to bail him out. He could also go on a payment plan with you for the amounts not covered by his savings.
Why should your daughter be punished by having to take out financial payment if you have the funds earmarked for it?
It sounds like you acknowledge that your son caused damage that the homeowners should be reimbursed for.
It’s unclear why your wife would prioritise your son’s “plans” to spend his savings on a start up or the stock market, over your daughter’s actual plans to go to college.
Your son has the funds to pay for the damages he caused — it certainly isn’t his sister’s fault or responsibility.
NTA for honouring the commitment to pay for your daughter’s education.
Lol, dude, def NTA. First up, tough love brother, your kid, your decision, esp when it’s about life lessons. Okay, Eric, right? He screwed up, he needs to bite the bullet, not Alice. She ain’t done nuthin’. And making your daughter take a hit for Eric’s mistake? Nah, man, that’s just messed up. Just my 2 cents, but let Eric face consequences and learn from it. Life ain’t gonna bail him out next time, right? Might as well deal now. Stay strong, bro. 💪
NTA. Time for your son to learn about responsibility.
NTA, but damn…it sounds like he did a hell of a lot of damage. Which (no matter how much it was) he should take responsibility for. Good thing he has that money saved up.
NTA. Alice should not be penalized for Eric’s mistake. He has savings, they should go to the damage he caused.
NTA play stupid games, win stupid prices. The truth is he won’t learn the lesson till it actually cost him something. Make him pay or he will do it again. Don’t set the precedent that he will get away with things like this.
NTA. If Eric were really remorseful, he’d understand why he has to pay for the damage he caused.
NTA, your punishment would fit the crime here. Him paying for the cost of destroying property would definitely teach him not to do it again. I also think that your wife’s idea sets your daughter up for failure and would not be the least bit fair. You are definitely NTA, but your wife is.
NTA. He’s the one who fucked up so he should pay for it
Seems like the only relevant question is Eric’s culpability. Did he start the fight? Then it’s his responsibility, ergo his money. His start-up/investments have to wait. I mean, it is obvious, isn’t it?
NTA
Alice didn’t fuck someone’s house up. Eric did. You’d also help Eric pay for his tuition if he heads that way I’m sure but I’m sorry he has to pay this himself. If he has the funds he should be paying. Sorry pal. The start up has to wait as per his actions. I’m sure he’s remorseful and I’m sure he’s a great kid but he has to answer for this. If Alice found out your wife was wanting to take tuition support away for her brother’s misdeeds then that could damage their relationship as well.
NTA It would be “cruel” to make your son pay for the consequences of hisown actions? It wouldn’t be cruel to put your daughter into thousands of dollars of debt over someone else’s bad behavior? WTF is your wife smoking?
The only way I could see their argument was if you were giving your daughter the tuition money but never gave your son something of equavalent value. But still, having him clean up his own mess will probably be a better life lesson than whatever punishment you and your wife thought up, because the direct consequences of your actions are usually the most effective teacher.
YTA, taking money away from your daughter when your son can pay for his own fuck up, is a pretty shitty thing to do. Plus it sounds like you enable your son. Usually parents that think they’re the “cool parents” just end up with shitty kids. Kids need to have some structure and discipline.
ESH. in both the “everyone sucks here” and “eeesshh, this situation stinks!”
Why not have your son pay part (50/50, 30/70?) of the damages. That’s part of consequences! And then you and your wife take out a loan to cover the rest, part of the consequences of being a parent and having two kids so close together?
NTA. Eric needs to pay for his own “mistakes”. I’m glad he’s remorseful because getting into a fight that causes damage is not what I’d consider an ordinary youthful mistake.
NTA Stand your ground do not let them gang up on you and punish Alice for Eriks mistakes, he needs to face consequences of his actions or he wont learn anything else then that he can come ruining to momy crying when he F”s up.
NTA, a natural consequence of damaging someone else’s property is paying them the money it takes to repair or replace what you damaged. Eric caused the damages, has enough money to cover the cost himself, so he should pay for it. Alice did nothing to cause the issue, so revoking money meant for her education and forcing her to take out loans is a punishment to her for her brother’s actions. Not fair at all. Eric isn’t going to truly learn that actions have consequences if his parents bail him out to cover the costs. Too bad, so sad, he can’t use the money for his start up or investing because he messed up and now has to pay off a debt he earned all on his own. He’ll just have to keep working hard to save up the money again, and hopefully learn from this that causing damage to other people’s property isn’t something you can just shrug your shoulders at and walk away without making the other person whole again.
PLEASE be fake, because omfg your wife and son suck!
I can’t believe I have to say this, but yes, your son has to pay for damages he caused.
You’re seriously considering making your daughter have consequences for something she wasn’t even involved with? Your son’s savings isn’t even going towards education. it’s going towards 2 very risky options with the potential of loss. the stock market, dude? a start up?! and you think that money is more important than your daughters education? Please do not consider this for even a moment.
Through this one post i can tell your wife favorites your son. Don’t you dare pay for damages caused by your son getting in a LITERAL PHYSICAL FIGHT with your daughter’s education fund. If you make her take out aid because your son cant control himself, I wouldn’t blame her for never talking to y’all again. I would be devastated and confused if my parents did that to me. Not to mention that if your son uses his “start up” money and it fails, you now have a failure of a son and a daughter that hates you. Your son got into a FIGHT. he needs consequences, not another coddle!!
NTA. Does your wife routinely favor your son over your daughter?
NTA. Eric needs to feel the consequences of his choices and his actions. He can still do his startup or whatever, he’ll just need to work longer and save more money. Maybe next time he’ll think twice before tearing up somebody’s house.
Tell us who your wife’s favorite is without telling us…
Is your son the golden child in other ways?
You would be the AH if you jeopardize your daughters future paying for your son’s mistakes.
NTA he’s old enough to understand “you break it you buy it”