So, I (27F) recently got engaged to my fiancé, Adam (29M), and we’re planning a small wedding this fall. We’ve had some drama in my family, especially involving my mom (54F), who has a history of making everything about herself.
For context, I’m the youngest of three kids. My mom has always been super competitive with my life milestones—when my older sister got engaged, my mom cried because she wasn’t asked to plan the wedding. When I graduated college, she told everyone it was her accomplishment for “keeping me on track.”
Anyway, flash forward to my engagement party a couple months ago. Adam and I planned a chill get-together with close friends and family. During the party, my mom stood up, clinked her glass, and announced that she was getting married too. Everyone was stunned. She’s been dating this guy, Rick, for like 4 months.
She completely hijacked the entire party. All of a sudden, people were congratulating her, asking about her dress, her date, her plans. I was furious but didn’t want to cause a scene, so I stayed quiet.
The next day, I called her and told her I was really hurt, and that the party was supposed to be about Adam and me. She said I was being “selfish” and that “love should be celebrated by everyone.” I didn’t talk to her for a while after that.
Now that wedding planning is in full swing, I decided I don’t want her at the ceremony. I don’t trust her not to pull something dramatic again, and I want the day to be about us, not her. When I told her, she lost it. She’s been calling me a horrible daughter, telling my siblings I’m “cutting her out of the family,” and even had the nerve to say I was “jealous she was getting married too.”
My dad (they’re divorced) is on my side. So is Adam. But some extended family think I’m being cruel. Now I’m second-guessing everything.
So… AITA for not inviting my own mom to my wedding?
Comments
Nope. When someone shows you who they are… believe them.
NTA. Honestly, it’s your decision. Your mother is obviously an attention-seeker. I hope things go well for you! If you change your mind, you can hire some damage control if you end up wanting to invite her. (Like ask some of the ppl in your wedding party to pull her away if she tries to cause a scene, bring a back-up dress to force her to change into if she shows up in white, etc.) But you’re completely within your rights to not invite her.
Absolutely not. Your mom sounds EXACTLY like mine. Avoid at all costs, and NTA. I went no contact with mine and it was the best thing I’ve ever done, in spite of the anxiety it caused me initially.
>But some extended family think I’m being cruel.
So what?
NTA.
NTA. You’re #1, what matters is your comfort. Your mother sounds like a narcissist or histrionic person, set boundaries and don’t follow their games, they love that. Explain to her or to other family members her bad behavior with concrete examples. Or simply ignore them, again you’re #1. Your happiness and well-being matters the most, not what your family or anyone else thinks of you.
She will find out, and still show up. Make sure you have people to keep her out.
NTA. She sounds like the kind of person that would wear a white, lacy dress to your wedding. I wouldn’t trust her to not pull another stunt. Don’t invite her. The decision on who attends your wedding is between you and your husband to be, nobody else. If other people don’t like it, cut them off the list too.
Don’t invite her and make sure you’re other guests don’t let the time, date or location leak or you could send her an invitation for a different date and time so you can enjoy your big day stress free.
I think you are wise to withhold the invitation. Making big announcements at other peoples’ engagement parties is a breach of etiquette. She’s got to know that but she did it anyway. She’s likely to come to the wedding dressed in white just to spite you. NTA.
Maybe have two separate receptions if you can afford it, one for each family, and invite her to your family’s. Your family already knows how your mother is, so she can’t embarrass you too much there.
Your mom is trying to turn every family event into her own personal reality show. You’re not being cruel, you’re just avoiding an episode titled When Weddings Go Wild.
NTA. Don’t invite her, and hire security. If she steps foot on the property, have them turn her around or have her arrested for trespassing.
Your older sister probably didn’t let her plan her wedding because she knew who your mom was. Did she elope?
NTA.
She can celebrate her love elsewhere.
NTA. I can guarantee she will make the day all about her. And then still call you selfish even though the day is literally only about you and your fiance. She will sabotage y’all. Your mom to be blunt seems like a straight up attention wh*re who has to compete with her own children and your extended family…SUCKS.
As the French saying goes: Tu n’es pas le trou du cul. NTA!
NTA, mate! Your weddin’, YOUR rules. If mum’s gonna hijack your day to shove herself center stage – nah, leave that drama to EastEnders, not your special day. And as for extended family kicking up shit about you being “cruel” – pfft, they ain’t gonna be the ones dealing with hurricane Mumzilla, are they? Stick to your guns, girl, coz ain’t nobody got time for that drama on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life. You do you, boo! Congrats on the wedding. 🍾💒🥂💕
Tell her you will livestream it so she can be part of your day without actually being in a position to pull any of her drama.
Tell the relatives you’ve served your time dealing with her asshattery and you are done. She can either learn to behave in a socially appropriate way or she can be shunned during your life events because you aren’t tolerating her disrespect anymore. Because that is what it is. It is disrespect.
How are people so insufferable? Ignore her and the flying monkeys.
Don’t fall for it, it’s your day and not hers.
NTA and I would bet money your mother keeps doing things like this at every opportunity. I suggest you make a plan to minimize contact. Not necessarily zero contact as that can cause even more drama, but maybe the easiest path forward with her is phone calls only, no invites.
May I also recommend: moving to a new town. Putting physical distance between you and a problem family member is a great way to create peace.
Tell your mother she’s acting like a spoiled brat. You have to enforce consequences on children or they won’t grow up. NTA.
This experience has presented you with a wonderful opportunity. You now know which relatives genuinely want to celebrate your wedding day. Everyone else need not be invited.
NTA
I know its hard but next time she complains about being cut out, simply reply with yes. Yes, you are cutting her out and yes its her right to be all dramatic about it and point fingers at you – ironically proving the point why cutting her out will be such a freeing, healthy step for you. Let her terrorize your siblings. Lets see how long they gonna make it with her, now that you as the fav scapegoat are gone
Enjoy your wedding amd honeymoon!
Your mom is an old ass loser
NTA get security to keep her out because she will show up
NTA, it sounds like if you want to have a day without yiur mother taking center stage, don’t tell her the details and swear everyone to secrecy.
Your mom sounds like my ex wife.
You mom is probably unaware of her inappropriate competitiveness.
Can’t you chat to her about it and say that she can attend, but she can’t make it about her?
NTA!
nta and you should give the extended family complaining a ultimatum. if they keep bringing it up, uninvite them also. you don’t want your wedding day overshadowed by negative energy as you didn’t give in to including her. that said, have security if you don’t plan on narrowing the guest list. your mom seems to be the type that will try to show up regardless
Your mother is horrible. I am a mom and I cannot even imagine ever trying to upstage any of my children. She doesn’t deserve to be part of your special day after that. She would absolutely try and make it a double wedding.
Ew NTA, keep her away from the wedding she’ll probably pull another stunt like at the engagement party. She sounds like a serious narcissist.