I (24F) have been living with my roommate, Sarah (26F), for about a year. We generally get along, but lately, there’s been tension over her borrowing habits, and I need some perspective on whether I overreacted. Now here’s an interesting problem, I own a car, and Sarah doesn’t. I’m happy to help out occasionally, like driving her to the grocery store or giving her a lift to work if her ride falls through. I’ve always made it clear, though, that I need advance notice and that my car isn’t a free for all. It’s not just about gas or wear and tear, it’s my only way to get to my job (I’m a nurse with odd shifts), and I can’t risk it being unavailable or damaged.
About three months ago, Sarah started asking to borrow my car more frequently which sometimes for small things like grabbing takeout or visiting friends. I let her borrow it a couple of times after she promised to be careful, but I noticed she wasn’t great about refilling the gas or cleaning up like leaving coffee cups or muddy footprints. I gently reminded her to respect my car, and she apologized, so I let it slide. Last month, things escalated. Sarah asked to borrow my car for a quick errand as usual but kept it for six hours without texting me. I had to cancel plans because I couldn’t get to them, and when she returned, the gas tank was nearly empty. I was frustrated and told her I wasn’t comfortable lending it out anymore unless it was an emergency. She got defensive, saying I was being petty and that roommates should share resources. I explained that my car isn’t a shared resource and this is my personal property, and I need it for work. She rolled her eyes but seemed to drop it. Last week, Sarah asked to borrow my car again to visit her sister, who lives an hour away. I said no, citing the previous issues and my upcoming 12 hour shift. She got upset, saying her sister was having a rough time and she really needed to see her. I felt bad, so I offered to drive her there myself on my day off, but she said that wasn’t convenient for her schedule. She then accused me of being selfish and said I was holding my car over her head to control her. I stood my ground and said I wasn’t comfortable lending it out after she disregarded my boundaries before.
Since then, Sarah’s been cold, barely speaking to me, and she told a mutual friend I’m being unreasonable and unsupportive. Our friend thinks I should’ve just let her borrow the car since her sister’s situation sounds serious, but I feel like Sarah’s not respecting my needs or my property. I get that she’s stressed, and I don’t want to seem heartless, but I also don’t think I’m obligated to let her use my car, especially after she’s been careless.
AITA for refusing to lend her my car? I want to be a good roommate, but I feel like my boundaries are being ignored.
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I (24F) have been living with my roommate, Sarah (26F), for about a year. We generally get along, but lately, there’s been tension over her borrowing habits, and I need some perspective on whether I overreacted. Now here’s an interesting problem, I own a car, and Sarah doesn’t. I’m happy to help out occasionally, like driving her to the grocery store or giving her a lift to work if her ride falls through. I’ve always made it clear, though, that I need advance notice and that my car isn’t a free for all. It’s not just about gas or wear and tear, it’s my only way to get to my job (I’m a nurse with odd shifts), and I can’t risk it being unavailable or damaged.
About three months ago, Sarah started asking to borrow my car more frequently which sometimes for small things like grabbing takeout or visiting friends. I let her borrow it a couple of times after she promised to be careful, but I noticed she wasn’t great about refilling the gas or cleaning up like leaving coffee cups or muddy footprints. I gently reminded her to respect my car, and she apologized, so I let it slide. Last month, things escalated. Sarah asked to borrow my car for a quick errand as usual but kept it for six hours without texting me. I had to cancel plans because I couldn’t get to them, and when she returned, the gas tank was nearly empty. I was frustrated and told her I wasn’t comfortable lending it out anymore unless it was an emergency. She got defensive, saying I was being petty and that roommates should share resources. I explained that my car isn’t a shared resource and this is my personal property, and I need it for work. She rolled her eyes but seemed to drop it. Last week, Sarah asked to borrow my car again to visit her sister, who lives an hour away. I said no, citing the previous issues and my upcoming 12 hour shift. She got upset, saying her sister was having a rough time and she really needed to see her. I felt bad, so I offered to drive her there myself on my day off, but she said that wasn’t convenient for her schedule. She then accused me of being selfish and said I was holding my car over her head to control her. I stood my ground and said I wasn’t comfortable lending it out after she disregarded my boundaries before.
Since then, Sarah’s been cold, barely speaking to me, and she told a mutual friend I’m being unreasonable and unsupportive. Our friend thinks I should’ve just let her borrow the car since her sister’s situation sounds serious, but I feel like Sarah’s not respecting my needs or my property. I get that she’s stressed, and I don’t want to seem heartless, but I also don’t think I’m obligated to let her use my car, especially after she’s been careless.
AITA for refusing to lend her my car? I want to be a good roommate, but I feel like my boundaries are being ignored.
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>She got upset, saying her sister was having a rough time and she really needed to see her.
Uber, bus, bike, hitchhiking, horse…
NTA – She’s a mooch.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because Sarah really seemed to need the car to support her sister, and my refusal could’ve left her stranded in a situation where she felt helpless. Even though I offered to drive her myself on my day off, she said it didn’t work for her schedule, and I didn’t try to find another compromise. I could be seen as prioritizing my own convenience or being overly rigid about my car, especially since she’s been a decent roommate otherwise. Her calling me “selfish” and our mutual friend saying I could’ve been more supportive made me wonder if I was too harsh and should’ve been more flexible, given her sister’s situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
It’s YOUR car. There’s no social norm or convention where you let roommates borrow your car.
NTA – moochers don’t get to tell you how to use your things, and you are within your rights to stand up and say no.
Roommate needs to take responsibility for her own life. I have zero patience for people like her. If she thinks you are an AH, she would really hate me. She can uber, taxi, phone someone else. Your car is not hers to take to avoid doing the harder work of, idk, getting her own or paying for rides. she is entitled and lazy. I am also studying for the bar exam so …be mindful of who you let drive your car in general. If she takes it and wrecks it or hits someone, it is on you… and I fully doubt Miss Mooch will help you pay for it if she does. I would not want a roommate like her so I truly feel for you.
NTA. She needs to grow up.
NTA NTA NTA. It’s your car. You pay for car insurance (I assume). You pay for gas, maintenance, repairs, everything. She is 10000% taking advantage. You would NOT be heartless by saying no even if she wasn’t doing all the rude things she is doing. You have every right to say no.
NTA
You share a place to live, not everything you each own.
You also don’t need to share dishes they won’t clean, furniture they ruin, Streaming services when they ruin your algorithm, or anything else if they can’t show respect for what they’re borrowing of YOURS.
Nta. It’s not a shared property as you’ve stated yourself. It’s your car and she’s not acting very respectfully. Maybe make sure that she doesn’t have access to your keys, just in case.
Addition: This had so much impact on my mental health, because if I had done this earlier they would’ve been great respect. Rn I feel disrespected and manipulated. While some part of me makes me believe It’s a lesson I need to learn just in case something like this happen in the future. I’ll stamp my GROUND !
NTA Sara can pay for an uber or whatever arrangements she had before she was your roommate. She is viewing your property with entitlement as I bet she doesn’t let you use her things willy-nilly.
I would have said “no” the first time she left my tank empty, let alone stealing my car for 6 hours for a “quick errand” meaning I had to cancel my plans. I would have called the police on her after ignoring my text/calls.
Her entitlement is her problem. You know how you fix it? You say “No” and don’t give in. Your friend can either drive or pay for Sara’s uber/taxi, otherwise they can STFU.
NTA…Your car is there for your convenience, not hers. You tried to share, but she took it too far. I guess she’ll have to start saving up.
Never ever lend your car. Never. Tickets follow that tag. Wreck it’s your insurance. Never. I do mean never. I lived with a guy over 15 years. He never drove my car and he bought and maintained it.
One of the most important things I’ve seen in this sub:
No is a complete sentence.
NTA this is on her, not you
ESH
You know that there is a problem, yet you are fostering it. You are *choosing* to feel guilty although you’ve done nothing wrong.
Tell her that she’s not allowed to borrow your car, period, and that you don’t want to hear any more whinging about it. Refuse to engage.
NTA, shes not covered by insurance to drive your car.
She’s not on your insurance. If she gets into an accident, it’s you who is financially responsible. She’s not offering gas money, she’s disrespectful of your time and of your belongings. She sounds like an entitled brat having a temper tantrum. Put your foot down and say no more. She can Uber or take the bus.
I wouldn’t want to live with someone who felt entitled to my belongings. Nta
Clap back. Tell Sarah she’s being unsupportive of your job and entitled to your possessions. Roommates share a place and it’s necessary bills. Anything past that is based on good will and friendship. She’s burnt the good will not respecting your car and she’s clearly not a friend as friends don’t try to emotionally manipulate each other.
She can do what everyone without a car does and figure it out for herself. NTA
Why the fuck would you entertain your idiot roommate’s babble? She says stupid stuff, shut her off. Make it clear to her that when she starts talking dumb shit, you are checking out before you catch her stupidity.
NTA
OP, Sarah alerted entitled to your car, and she does not respect your rules, expectations, or actual ownership of your car. Nor does she appreciate your generosity to date. She has made it abundantly clear:
Eye rolling, accusing you of being petty, and her dismissiveness.
Her initial niceness was to get you to say yes. Now she can’t even bother to pretend to respect your property/time/money or appreciate it as a favor – that’s how entitled she feels.
Her needs and wants are not your concern or your responsibility to satisfy.
Based on her attitude – especially her not keeping her word and keeping the car for hours extra AND her response afterward – you shouldn’t allow her use of your car ever again. I’d even be uninclined to do favors.
Tell her she enjoyed your goodwill and generosity and abused it. That is now over. She can figure out other ways to get where she wants to go.
NTA- those weren’t boundaries, they were conditions, and she was repeatedly informed of them before the final straw. She didn’t meet the conditions for taking good enough care with your car, so she shouldn’t get to use it anymore.
Shakespeare was right….”neither a borrower or lender be”.
This is especially true when it comes to a car. No one should ever lend another person their car. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. In terms of liability it could have catastrophic consequences for you. Remind your roommate that you pay for the insurance for YOU, not her. If she killed someone (God forbid) while using your car….YOU will get sued, not her. She needs to start using her head. Tell her to look it up if she doesn’t believe you. She should do some reading about what can happen when someone lends their car and the borrower has an accident or gets tickets.
A car is personal property, not a resource. She is a delusional thinking the car is a shared resource. Compare the car to your underwear. Your underwear is personal property. Your car is personal property. You don’t lend your underwear, and you don’t lend your car.
And I like what another person mentioned……NO is a complete sentence.
PS…….you are definitely NAH.
Nta. You’re being selfish…with your mode of transportation to work, that you pay for, and are fiscally and legally responsible for? I sure hope you are to not be worried be deeply irresponsible to your own obligations, including your work which relies on you to be at your shift for patient care. If she was genuinely remorseful and paid for gas retroactively and a car cleaning then maybe that shows she can be trusted for a second chance but whinging about it now and throwing her temper tantrum is just showing how Immature she is and even more about how tight you are to not count on her to respect your car and own time obligations.
I feel like my boundaries are being ignored.
Newsflash – your boundaries ARE being ignored.
Keep that shiny, shiny, spine.
NTA
She’s not on your insurance. You would be responsible for anything that happened while she was driving. When you give her rides, does she offer to pay for gas? If the answer is no, she’s been using you since the beginning.
If she continues to give you grief and gets support from her other friends, tell her to ask them for their car. She disrespected your rules. She borrowed several thousand dollars from you with the agreement to return it by a specific time. She did not. You can not trust her.
Ha ha ha, NTA, at all. A car is not a shared resource. It sucks that her sister is having a rough time, but this is your car, and she has disrespected it. Turning it into a “control” issue is ridiculous.
If she can’t buy her own car she can’t afford to replace yours if anything happens. Do a License Plate search to check if she wracked up any tickets. She doesn’t clean up or refill gas tank . Plus you need your car in case you get called in.
NTA and if she wrecks your car, your insurance may not cover it. She is not a listed driver. You are not controlling her, she can easily go get herself a car. It is your car, that you pay for. You should never be inconvenienced or without one. If her sister needs to see her, she can come pick her up, take an uber, bus, etc…
NTA. Based on her earlier behaviour, there is no guarantee that she would be back before you have to leave for your shift. Also, if she has a valid driver’s license (did you check?), she can rent a car.
Nta- the fact that you even gave her options to make sure she could visit her sister without crossing your boundary. Great job.
There is a reason you didn’t lend it, because she has increasingly shown you that she doesn’t respect your property. She should have thanked you profusely, tidied up after herself and apologized wholeheartedly if she couldn’t afford to refill the tank.
Do you earn more than her? She may be jealous of what you have. Do not listen to your friend, who said you should have just given your car. They can lend her their car.
NTA. NEVER lend your car to anyone who isn’t related to you by blood or marriage and then only if they have a good driving record and are on your insurance. A roommate doesn’t meet any of those qualifications and your roommate also has a history of keeping your car long enough to cause you to have to cancel plans. Just be blunt with her and find a different roommate when you can.
Only my spouse drives my car on a regular basis and my adult child drives it sometimes when we are all going somewhere together.
Tell all her flying monkeys that her taking your only way to work and not returning it for 6 hours soured you on her ‘borrowing’ your car, and the fact that she expects you to furnish all the gas and clean up after her did not help her cause. Start looking for a new place to live or a different roommate. This one isn’t ever going to be happy with your boundaries because they don’t suit her.
OP, stop being a doormat and lending out your car is a serious lapse of judgment on your part. If she has an accident, you are responsible. If she gets parking tickets, they ticket the car OP not her and she has already shown you she is irresponsible leaving your car in a mess with no gas. OP, are you a slow learner? Stop people pleasing.
Stop Being Useful to Everyone – Start Empowering Yourself
Lock your keys up when she asked you tell her order an Uber
NTA..she should get her own car, end of story
NTA
It’s your car that you also need to get to your work. An important job at that too. You determined the conditions for use. She repeatedly broke them and impacted you in the process. Even if you were partners it wouldn’t give her the right to use your car when she wants to.
Personally I wouldn’t lend anyone my car, unless they were close family, and maybe one or two friends. That’s only because I 100% trust them.
“roommates should share resources”
I don’t know any roommates who share cars. There is a wild liability difference between giving someone a ride and letting them drive. NTA
Because of unlimited liability on your part, while the other party walks away scott free, you should never loan your car to anyone not covered by your insurance. You pay for it.
NTA. She’s abused your kindness, stayed out late without informing you, left trash in your car, used most of the gas, and I’m guessing is lying about why she wants to use your car on occasion too. She’s too comfortable with your car. Call your insurance, and check with them regarding adding her to your policy as an “occasional driver”. You might be surprised at the amount they’d want to charge you for her convenience. Just tell her that: it’d cost you too much to have her drive your vehicle. Especially if she gets in an accident and it is no longer drivable. She can pay for an Uber.
NTA. This is why we can’t have nice things. I also did not hav a car for a time, and sometimes my roommate was kind enough to give me a lift but my main source of transportation when it was too far to walk was the bus, and if the bus wasn’t running I called a cab (this was in the Before Times). Now she could book a car from an app. She could rent one short term through Turo. She can get herself around without your help. Do not give anyone more of what they already don’t appreciate.
NTA- Especially is she is not insured to drive your car.
NTA.
Time to look for a new room mate who will respect you.
NTA
Tell your friend next time roommate needs a car that you will tell her she can borrow her car. People like your mutual friend need to step up if they take a stance.
Good luck with mooch
NTA. Wait, you spending your free day driving her around isn’t convenient for her schedule? You’re being way too passive and letting her take advantage of you. The first time she brought it back with the tank on empty you should have handed the keys to her and said “take it to the gas station and bring it back with a full tank,” and if that didn’t happen it should have been the last time you entertained letting her borrow your car.
Her taking your car for a “quick errand” and staying out six hours without talking to you should have resulted in a police report for a stolen car.
Has she heard of cabs? Or Ubers? I know they cost money but she killed the golden goose by taking advantage of someone who’s way too generous already.
NTA. Nobody ever says “Well, it was good while it lasted.”
You already supported her and she didn’t appreciate it.
Her sister needs to get in her own damn car drive to visit her or pay for your roommates UBer.
NTA. Fuck Sarah. She needs to grow up
Is she on your insurance policy?
Is she going to pay the deductible in the event your carrier does pay the claim if the car is damaged under her care?
Are you prepared to pay the claim in full in the event your carrier doesn’t know that your roommate drives your vehicle on a regular basis and they deny a claim?
She is not entitled to your vehicle. She is not entitled to a loaf of bread that you purchased. But a 4000 pound vehicle that likely cost $20k or more? I’d be guarding my keys so she can’t borrow it accidentally without permission.