Hey Reddit,
So this has turned into a whole family thing and I honestly don’t know if I’m being petty or standing my ground.
I (30M) got married to my wife two years ago. We had a fairly unconventional wedding, and one of the most meaningful parts for me was wearing a custom-made wedding dress. Yeah, I’m a guy and I wore a dress, while marrying my wife (my choice isn’t the topic of this post). It was a big deal for me—I grew up in a super traditional household where that would’ve been unthinkable. It took years to get to a place where I could unapologetically be myself.
The dress is beautiful. It was expensive, but more than that, it represents a turning point in my life—freedom, identity, love. It’s stored in a garment bag in our closet, and I never planned to wear it again, but I also never planned to loan it out like a rental costume.
Enter my younger brother’s fiancée (27F). She’s planning their wedding and, during a family dinner, casually asked if she could wear my wedding dress to save money. Everyone laughed, thinking she was joking. She wasn’t.
I said no—flat out. She got weirdly annoyed and asked why not, especially since I “wasn’t going to use it again.” I explained that it’s deeply personal and not something I’m comfortable sharing. She accused me of being dramatic and “gatekeeping” a dress.
Now my brother is involved, saying I’m being “a little extra” and that it would mean a lot to her, and it’s “just fabric.”
My mum says I should be honoured she likes it, and my dad is staying out of it entirely.
Am I being petty? It is just sitting in a closet. But it feels like she’s ignoring what that dress actually means to me.
AITA?
Comments
NTA
Why would anybody in their right mind expect to be allowed to wear someone else’s wedding dress?
ESH
Nta
You said it yourself. It’s a personal thing and you never meant to share it
It’s a unique thing. Somebody else using it changes that
NTA. It’s your property to do with what you wish. I would only possibly wear someone else’s dress if they offered first. You don’t ask for that type of thing unless it’s like a mom or a grandma-type thing. Definitely wouldn’t ask a sibling.
NTA. No means no.
NTA. It’s not “just fabric”.. it’s a symbol of your identity, growth, and a deeply personal journey. No one is entitled to something so meaningful just because it’s convenient for them. Respecting boundaries isn’t dramatic… ignoring them is.
Not petty at all.
Also- I love how you said “my choice isn’t the topic of this post.”
She needs to respect that boundary.
However, maybe offer her the name of who made it or try to go with her to find one similar?
NTA that’s really strange ask. Why would anyone expect to do this. She’s very selfish.
No is a complete sentence. I imagine the dress would have to be altered considerably to fit and would lose all sense of it ever being yours. Then of course she’ll never return it because it’s her wedding dress and it’s special to her. Tell her stop being cheap. If she can’t afford a dress she can’t afford to get married.
NTA. Weird thing to ask even if it is to save money.
It doesn’t “mean” a lot to her. It is just about saving a bit of money to her. I means a lot to YOU. Stand your ground. NTA.
NTA A wedding dress is very personal and should be treasured. The fact that your family doesn’t understand your feelings shows a total lack of respect.
You know you’re not the asshole.
It’s yours. Not hers. NTA
NTA
Maybe random but why does she think a dress designed for a man would fit a woman?
A lot of people don’t understand that refitting a dress involves cutting up to add or remove fabric. If she wanted to refit the dress, it would be better to just one from a store and alter that one.
NTA. She wasn’t either for asking – once. She and anyone else involved who is pressuring you is the asshole at this point though.
I don’t understand why people just can’t accept the word No!
NTA
NTA. Nevermind the fact that it represents something deeply personal to you. She’s trying to frame this as you gatekeeping the dress? Like what?
It’s your dress and thus your call. Simple as that. There’s nothing that entitles her to wear it for her wedding. She’s just trying to save money while having the expensive dress look.
NTA. The only time I have ever heard of someone re-wearing a wedding dress is when it is passed down to them by an older relative. It is never a lateral move.
NTA. And if it’s “just fabric”…she can find her “just fabric” somewhere else.
NTA
For your brother is “just a piece of fabric”, for his fiancée is “saving money” and for you, the owner, represents “freedom, identity, love”. No brainer in here, the ones being petty are your brother and his fiancée, because they are not respecting you
You said no. That’s it. No reasoning needed.
What’s up with people using “gatekeeping” to get what they want?
NtA
NTA. No means no, tell her that. No doesnt mean, let’s start the negotiation.
What is it with people wanting to wear someone else’s wedding dress?!
I don’t give a f*ck if I never wear my wedding dress again, it’s MINE. It is your property, property you have sentimental value for, that’s it and that’s all.
Store the dress elsewhere, get cameras, it’s not safe where you are.
Tell your parents and brother clearly that in no uncertain terms will she ever wear your dress and if she continues she will no longer be welcome in your house.
If you get uninvited from the wedding, so be it.
Book a weekend away for you and your wife
Your dress, your decision. She asked, you answered. Next!
You can’t “gatekeep” your own property. NTA.
Nta, tell her she can find a beautiful dress for under $300 on lulus and the quality is great, if she’s so concerned about money 🤷🏼♀️
NTA
We mustn’t touch what isn’t ours.
I don’t see how you can “gatekeep” your own property. It’s yours, no one else has any right to it. She sounds awfully entitled.
YTA: Bots don’t need clothing.
Omg. Gatekeeping a dress. Is that even a thing? It’s your dress. Tell her to FO and go to David Bridal. There a lot of lovely and affordable dresses. After all, it’s only fabric.
Ummm question? Is she built like a dude? I’m assuming there isn’t shaping for boobs?
This isn’t something can be easily, quickly or cheaply altered. As a sewist with 30+ years that dress won’t fit her. If you have a “standard” male body, and she has a “standard” female one, your proportions will be completely different
A custom made dress isn’t going to have the usual wider than average seam allowances to allow for adjustments. Is there beading, lace, rhinestones etc?
It will cost a small fortune for her to have the dress adjusted to fit her, and even then it may not be possible
Does she plan on having a seamstress too it apart and make a whole new dress? Maybe a knee length instead of ballgown/floor length?
Back to my point, unless she is very similar in shape and size as you she will look ridiculous in your dress without serious alterations. That dress needs to “disappear” do you have a trusted friend that can store your dress for the foreseeable future?
Similar thing happened with my daughter’s First Communion dress. We had looked at many dresses, and this one, though expensive, was just perfect and worth a one-time wear. A year later, another mother at my daughter’s Catholic school, who had seen photos of my daughter wearing the dress, asked to use the dress for her daughter’s First Communion. It was weird, especially since the other family wasn’t even Catholic, we were barely friends, and our daughters didn’t even know each other. I told her no and she was beyond angry. The entitlement was bizarre.
you shouldn’t gatekeep a dress. which is why, if she simply must wear a dress like yours, she is free to have one made for her, at her expense, in the normal way. you don’t owe her pics, or measurements, or your dressmaker’s info, and her grubby little paws don’t need to get anywhere near it. will this be monstrously tacky of her? yes. will she follow through with the effort and expense required? no, because the whole point was to shame you for choosing to wear a dress that in her bridezilla mind would look so much better on her tiny princess heroine self. stand firm, consider skipping the wedding if her nonsense continues
If it’s just fabric then your brothers fiancée shouldn’t be so worked up that you said no
People need to accept the word no, when it is given. No further discussion.
I mean…your dress, your choice. NTA. Female here and family scapegoat and I said what I said.
I’ve been a seamstress for 15 years, and let me tell you – wedding dresses hold deep emotional significance regardless of who wore them. Your brother’s fiancée needs to respect that this was YOUR wedding dress from YOUR special day. Don’t let anyone pressure you into giving it up!
NTA.
“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t even need a valid reason. You can say “no” for whatever reason and still NTA.
The entitlement and toxicity of everyone who is attempting to coerce you into a different answer is unreal. Where do people find this level of audacity?
F no, yNTA! The possession belongs to you. Your permission is required for its use. That is not gatekeeping and to frame it as such is absurd and entitled. “No” is a full sentence, is an acceptable response when you are asked a yes or no question. The reasons for saying no don’t even matter. She asked and you answered. The end.
NTA! It’s your dress and even if you’re not planning to wear it again, it’s sentimental.
NTA. Your gender has no relevance. It is your dress and your choice. Wedding dresses are personal and the point is to wear it once.
The whole ‘I’m a dude with a wedding dress’ is completely irrelevant.
Tell them it’s your dress, you paid for it. Then tell them to not start off their married life so unimaginatively and cheap
Charge them 25 thousand dollars to rent it.
I am having trouble visualizing the woman that thinks a dress worn by a grown ass man is going to fit her without a basic total re-make of the dress. The alteration costs alone would buy a new damn dress.
I am thinking AI/ChatGPT. YTA, just for that.
NTA! Your stuff, your rules. Don’t cave in! Best of luck!
NTA. Your dress. Period.
NTA
my wedding dress is also ‘just sitting in a closet”, where it’s going to stay until I wear it for a vow renewal, or give it to my daughter.
But even if I had NO future plans, just wanted to keep my precious dress safe and sound because of its significance in my life? Still ok just sitting a closet. Because it’s MY DRESS.
Please tell all your family in giant group text: “I don’t know why everyone thinks they are entitled to my belongings, but here we are. This will be my final statement regarding my dress. The answer is NO. There will be no further discussion on this matter. OP OUT.”
Gatekeeping?
This isn’t a natural resource that you’re hoarding, like water in a drought, it’s a personal sentimental possession.
Besides her reaction – it’s the whole approach. It’s one thing to bring this up in private, she could have complimented the dress and respectfully asked if she could borrow it, to do so in front of others places an additional burden on you.
NTA
NTA but your family sure is, no offense. They’re minimizing your feelings about it because you’re a man. If saving $$ is so important to her, why not ask a sister/cousin/friend for a dress, or look for a consigned dress? She’s singling you out and making a spectacle of you. The family needs to be checking her, NOT you. When people can’t respect boundaries, they’re shining a bad spotlight on themselves, not you
Tell your brother that if it is “just a little fabric” she can get her own and does not need to have yours.
NTA. Well reading this I have to say the Dad is the smart one in the family. I am conflicted on this one. I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t let her wear the wedding gown on one hand, on the other, since it has deep sentimental value to you, you should be able to do whatever you wish with it.
Entitled people don’t understand that no is a complete sentence. If it isnt anything special to them, then they wont be careful with it. If.it is just a piece of fabric, they can go to a thrift store to save money. Either way, you are NTA.
As I was reading this post I was thinking to myself how many other posts I’ve read where I thought “what’s the harm in saying yes?” However when people don’t respect the answer “no” and continue to harass a person and say things that we always see in these posts like “you’re being selfish, family helps family, it’s just fabric, you’re being stingy and weird about this,” I think well now you have to continue to say no and stand your ground, because if you cave to the pressure and say “yes” it will just teach these people that giving you a hard time is the way for them to get what they want from you.
OP, please stand your ground and do not give in to people who are being disrespectful to you. They are the ones who need to be told “no” the most.
Nobody is entitled to your possessions, full stop. 🛑
Goodwill has dresses all the time that can save people money.
If she wants to wear someone else’s dress so badly, send her to Goodwill.
NTA.
If it’s just fabric as your brother stated then why is he and his fiancée making such a big deal out of it?
You are not remotely petty. A wedding dress is a very personal and can be a transformative garment. She has no right to it. You are not the asshole.
nta, she can go to the clearance section of a nordstrom rack like the rest of us broke brides had to and stop trying to bully her future brother in law. It astounds me when a grown ass adult throws a tantrum bc someone said “no” . the couple’s behavior is embarrassing as fuck, the dress will not make or break the event and it doesnt belong to them so id say theyre the assholes
NTA tell your mum to give SIL her wedding dress
YTA for fake story, Jesus Christ pride month comes around and all of sudden bots, creators are using it to make fake stories. Atleast have a little respect for real pride issues
Be warned, if you cave, unless you two are exactly the same size and body shape. It will need alterations, a LOT of them. Undoing that to make it look original may be impossible.
And using that logic, she will keep it and never give it back.
nta you can “gatekeep” whatever you want since it’s your property.
NTA
It’s yours. Don’t need the story, what you own you control regardless of the situation. And No is freak’in No!
I’m just curious as to why you would be the same size and shape as your brother’s fiancee.
And why she would want to wear a dress made for a cross-dresser.
YTA for bullshit post.
NTA. She asked and you answered. “No” is a full sentence.
Gatekeeping your own possessions ?!?! Wahou the audacity !!! NTA
NTA. The word “gatekeeping” is used to describe controlling access to something that should be open or available to all.
Something that’s literally your own property is never assumed to be open to all, so not handing over your treasured posessions can never be gatekeeping.
If it’s “just fabric” she can get her own fabric. NTA
Why would anyone expect to be loaned any item? It is a request, not a demand. She can ask, but your no should be the end of it. That is the same for a DVD or your extremely meaningful wedding garment.
NTA
If it is just fabric why is she so intent on having it instead of a random other piece if fabric. If she wants to save money and is okay with used,suggest she shop a thrift stores
Absolutely NTA. And your family should be ashamed for trying to guilt you into it.
NTA. You have strong reasons not to let someone else wear your wedding dress
NTA – If she’s that worried about saving money, she can ask one of her friends if she can borrow their dress or she can rent one or she can buy one used. It’s your dress and you have every right to hang onto it.
Also, good for you for wearing a dress if that’s what you wanted to. You should be able to wear anything you want. My son (18M) wore a dress to his prom last month. We actually found it at a thrift store ($14) and he looked stunning. I was so proud of him for wearing what made him happy. And this internet stranger is proud of you too. I bet you looked amazing.
If it’s “just fabric” why’s it such a big deal? Just turn the argument back on them. It’s just a dress, just fabric, no big deal then she should be ok not having it right?!
NTA – While not a 1 to 1 same thing, I got married in a kilt and that piece of fabric has a ton of meaning to me. I’d probably smack somebody that asked to borrow it.
YTA for using ChatGPT to write this for you. The dashes give it away by the way.
Tell her and your brother it might just be ‘fabric’ to them, but it sentimental to you and NO is an answer. Lock that dress up because someone in your family will steal it and apologize later. Because SHE WANTS IT. Not pointing fingers at your brother, but don’t let him, or any other relative (hell anyone) in your house alone. Personally, I would send the dress out to be professionally cleaned and stored, tell them it’s no hurry and let them keep the dress until brother’s wedding is over. Updateme.
No is a complete answer. No explanations necessary. No one is entitled to someone else’s possessions. Period.
If it’s “just fabric”, there’s no need for them to get so salty about it.