My dad left when I was 10. Just… vanished. No visits, no calls, not even a birthday card. My mom raised me by herself, worked two jobs, and still made time to show up for me. She was both parents. Meanwhile, my dad only reached out once I turned 21, saying he “wanted to make things right.” I wasn’t interested.
Now I’m 27 and getting married. He somehow found out and called to say how excited he was to finally “give his daughter away.” I was stunned. I told him no — he’s not walking me anywhere. That role belongs to my mom. She’s the one who stayed, who sacrificed, who loved me when he didn’t bother. He got angry, said I was being spiteful and childish. Even some extended family are pressuring me to “let bygones be bygones.”
But to me, it’s not about holding a grudge. It’s about acknowledging who’s actually been there for me. I don’t think he gets to disappear for 17 years and suddenly show up for the spotlight moment. So, AITA for refusing to let him walk me down the aisle?
Comments
NTA. It’s your day. I had a friend walk me down the aisle, it’s whatever you want on your day
NTA, tell him to do one. If he doesn’t understand why, then all the more reason to say no.
NTA. Like you said, acknowledging who’s actually been there for you in your life. A wedding isn’t a family reunion or an opportunity for reconciliation.
I had my stepdad walk me down the aisle. My biodad was super pissed and didn’t go to the wedding, but I didn’t care. My biodad was never really there for me and was abusive to my mom (and to a lesser extent my sister and me). It’s your wedding, but tell him he should be grateful he’s even invited (is he?)…
NTA. Your dad doesn’t just get leave and come back when he wants. The role should be your mum’s and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
NTA. Stand your ground. This is your day, don’t let him ruin it.
NTA, hey now, been there done that with my pops. Mom was the MVP growing up, and she’s certainly walked me down her fair share of emotional aisles. This is your day, doll, make it count!
If he wants to give you away, he should at least show up with a gift like a time machine to take back those 17 years.
NTA, you don’t owe this man anything.
NTA – I didn’t invite my dad; my brother walked me down the aisle, and I had my mother and daughter dance.
NTA Your Mum has earned the right to be beside you whatever the reason, he doesn’t even deserve a seat at the back . For most of my kids formative years, I was Mum and Dad, and even though they knew where their father was, it was me that got the father’s day gifts and cards, and it meant so much to me, feeling appreciated. So take your mother by the arm, walk down that aisle with her, and show everyone the patent that matters xx Wishing you so much love for your wedding day, and masses of love and hugs from one Mum/Dad to your Mum/Dad xxx
NTA. You can have anyone you want to walk you down the aisle. Also, he’s not even invited to the wedding, is he? Why would he be?
NTA
If anyone is walking you down, it should be your mom. Your mom busted her butt making sure you were a healthy happy kid. Your mom busted her butt to make sure you became an adult. Your dad doesn’t even deserve an invite to the wedding.
NTA
It’s your day. Your father is a major asshole here, he is trying to guilt you, do not listen to him.
Nope. Absolutely have your mom walk you down the aisle. He doesn’t get to swoop in and pretend to everyone that he’s been there.
NTA, why does he even think he is invited?
He’s worried about being embarrassed by not getting the role. But good for you to realize your mother is the one you should be honoring, and maybe make a speech during your reception to thank your mom for being both a mother and father to you, that no matter how hard she had to work and even working multiple jobs, she was the one and only person who showed up for you, no matter how tough times were. And that you hope to always honor her for being such a wonderful role model.
Maybe tell him you’ll let him when he pays back child support. Then if he does, still don’t let him.
This is your wedding—absolutely have it just the way you want it to be. Your father was a sperm donor, nothing more. Why is he even attending your wedding, or isn’t he?
He can get as angry as he likes in the privacy of his own home, or wherever the fuck he was hiding out for so much of your childhood and adult life thus far.
It’s not about being spiteful so much as the fact he hasn’t earned the right to be involved in your wedding in ANY capacity let alone something as emotionally loaded as walking you down the aisle.
NTA. He’s a stranger to you, and a stranger doesn’t get to walk you down the aisle. Your mom was everything to you. Of course you’re giving her this.
Tell him he already gave you away, 10 years ago.
NTA. He missed your whole life and now wants a photo op. That walk down the aisle belongs to the person who actually walked with you through life – your mom.
Tell him if he wants to play daddy for the wedding, that would include paying for it. And watch him run.
NTA
NTA.
I wouldn’t even invite him if I were you.
But bygones are bygones right? He was gone. So he should stay gone. Just laugh in your extended family’s face and not bother about it.
NTA
NTA. It’s your wedding.
he gave you away years ago, nta
NTA. It’s grimly hilarious that he wants to ‘give you away’ when he abandoned you so many years ago. Just say no thanks / ignore.
NTA.
“Holding a grudge” would be like posting weekly online about how he was a deadbeat, or keying his car whenever you see it, or booing him whenever you were at a family event.
Not giving him a ceremonial role meant to convey a provider and protector “passing on” that role to a new spouse is not holding a grudge. Anyone can make the walk down the aisle about anything they want, and for you, it is to show appreciation for the parent who raised you. Your Dad did not, and therefore, doesn’t get that moment.
NTA. Honestly, why is this guy even invited to the wedding?
NTA.
What a narcissistic twat you have for a “father”. How dare he impose himself into your life after abandoning you for so long. I am so glad you didn’t cave to other family members pressure to just “let it go”.
A mom of four I know was left by her her husband to fend for herself with four lively very young boys – had to get a decently paying job she hated, come home tired to feed four hungry mouths – all while he got himself “addicted” to drugs (We still think that was an act to get out of paying CS), spent years in a halfway house, then when he did finally get a job all he did was cry and cry about the minimal CS he finally paid to the point where she said ok I’ll cut it in half. Well one day – after his marriage to another woman – he decides he’s just not even going to pay that amount. She SUED him – expensive lawyer and all because she had gotten a huge inheritance – for $550/mo for the rest of his life bc he owes her so much.
One of her sons said aw mom just let it go – and then she revealed what X had said during the trial – “poor me my new wifey and I are building a SIX BEDROOM HOUSE and we needed the money for contractors!”
NTA.
But you can tell him that if he wants to walk you down the aisle that badly, ask him how much can he cover your wedding expenses or even a down payment on your new home.
Now you know which family members to distance yourself from as you move into your married life. Only ignorant people call this, holding a grudge. 17 years of absence doesn’t deserve, bygones being bygones.
Your mother did an amazing job raising a brilliant, strong woman. Congratulations!
NTA. You don’t get the reap the rewards of parenthood without investing the time and effort.
Have your mom walk you down the aisle
NTA, but I’m swedish and here we walk in side by side with the one we’re marrying. As a sign of free choice and equality. No one is giving anyone away, we’re not objects.
Unfortunately due to American romcoms especially those with money has gotten into this “giving away” so it’s spreading here to.
Just what does he think he has done that he is deserving of an honor at your wedding?
This is a fake story. It’s got all the classic tells. Ridiculously obvious nta. Usual cliches thrown from supposed scorned wrong doers. And the clincher? Extended family says “let bygones be bygones”. Come on now.
NTA
“No, the man who abandoned me for 2/3 of my life doesn’t get to step in and take the glory my mother deserves. If you think he does you can see yourself out with him.”
NTA. He already gave his daughter away, when you were 10. Do not invite this stranger to your wedding.
Your mother did absolutely everything by herself and she deserves every honor there is. Have her walk you down the aisle and do a mother daughter dance.
Tell extended family that bygones are bygones and you’ve already forgotten that you once had a dad because your mother never let you feel his absence. Let them know that this was their one freebie, but if they bring it up again, you will be blocking them and they will not be invited to the wedding. When someone inevitably violates this boundary, follow through.
NTA! Your dad doesn’t deserve the role of walking you down the aisle.
He is making it about him. He left and shouldn’t have any expectations of you. The extended family should mind their own business.
Nta . Your father is a manipulator . Probably wants back in your life because you’re now an adult and have money
Nope. Most DEFINITELY NTA. The audacity of these deadbeat parents thinking they are entitled to something such as this simply because of their biological title.
NTA. Your mom earned that privilege, your dad did not. You don’t owe him a damn thing. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA – Tell extended family, you let bygones be bygones – your sperm donor was gone, left you and your mom to fend for yourself and as far as you are concerned he may stay gone. Also: what’s with all those people who desert their family and children only to return and reap the result of other people’s hard work in raising a child? As far as I understand: the father leading his daughter down the aisle is something to express the daughter’s appreciation for the hard work the father had put into raising the child. Your father did none of that, so he is in no position to claim the prize.
NTA. He has the non-relationship with you that his action have earned him, and is pretty much a stranger to you. Who would let a stranger walk them down the aisle for a wedding?
Nope. Don’t give in. You’re NTA. He walked out on you and now he thinks he can just walk back in your life and yall are gonna be fine? Like if he didn’t want to be with your mom anymore, then so be it. But he walked out on his kid and literally didn’t look back. That’s fucked up.
NTA. Im guessing the extended family giving you grief are from his side. Let them know that he may be related by blood but he wasn’t you father/dad/daddy or any parental figure. Just ignore them and celebrate you wedding the way you and your fiance want. I think it is great you want to acknowledge and honor the parent who showed up for you throughout your life.
NTA. YWBTA only if you let him walk you down the aisle. The sperm donor shouldn’t even be invited.
Is he paying for your wedding?
I mean…maybe if he is suddenly showing up and going to fund a $50k wedding…
The truth is he’s probably spun this to family and friends so he didn’t look so bad after abandoning you as a child.
Goodness knows what he’s said .
Your refusal to let him walk you down the aisle doesn’t fall in with the yarn he’s spun and he’s furious he’ll be discovered.
You stick with your gut. You are right. Let your beautiful mother walk you down the aisle, she’s earned the privilege.
Congratulations 🥂
Interesting how 90% of AITA stories now follow THE SAME RUBRIC.
This account is also 1 hour old.
Fuck AI and fake stories, I’m so goddamn sick of it.
Turn him down…nicely. Say “Let’s talk later this year.”
I know he hurt you deeply. But I prefer when families get along.
Is your IG set to private?
Nta and tell him exactly what you said “You don’t get to abandon me for 17 years and suddenly act like a loving father. You haven’t been a father to me since I was a child, you chose yourself over me so now I’m choosing myself over you.”
NTA. Your day, your way. People’s opinions are not even optional. Any family member that harasses you just rescind their invitation. They’re not there to celebrate you after pushing this bygone trash. On the day of your wedding, get security if you can and give them his photo so he doesn’t get in even as a plus one. Have a great wedding and tell mom she’s a rockstar!
Asked and answered in the OP. Of course YNTA
NTA. I loved my Dad, but there were a lot of issues when I was growing up, including emotional abuse. I also didn’t really like the concept of one man handing me over to another anyway, especially since I was a bit older when I got married. So I walked down the first half of the aisle myself, and my husband (fiancé at the time) walked down to meet me, and we walked the rest of the way to the altar together. Absolutely do not regret it, it was perfect.
NTA – However, your mom wasn’t both parents, she was your mom, and you were both denied the help that your father owed you as a parent. You didn’t have a dad when you were growing up and needed him. You are right to deny him an honor that he does not deserve. It’s so bizarre that he didn’t even have communication with you and called you out fo the blue making that demand. He’s the AH here, times a million, for abandoning his family.
NTA
Interesting that he waited until OP was legally an adult before he showed up. I’m betting that the possibility of child support played into that decision.
I’d nope right out of that nonsense. He didn’t act like a dad, he doesn’t get to play one on TV.
NTA.
“He somehow found out…”
So clearly he’s still not an active participant in your life. If he wasn’t even told about (or I’m assuming invited to) the wedding, then why in the world should he expect to get such an important honor? People can be so dumb.
NTA, you’re correct. Your Mom should be the only choice to walk you down the aisle. She made you who you are. You’d break her heart she has earned and deserves the honor of giving you away.
NTA. He may have helped make you, but he has to earn the rest. He made his choice, don’t falter on your stance.
NTA and he can either be an adult (for the first time ever) and come as a guest (with no drama) or not come at all (he’s good at that – insulting him, not trying to be mean to you).
Seriously, you don’t have to invite him even. Tell him to get lost. He doesn’t get to decide whether you have a relationship any more. He lost that chance when he stopped showing up in every way. If I were you, I’d refuse to have him present at all.
Whatever you do, I hope your wedding day is wonderful, your marriage is happy, and your peace is plentiful!
NTAH. I think its wonderful that your mother is giving you away. Stay strong and don’t let him make you feel bad
NTA He just wants to look good in front of family and friends. Have your mom walk you down the aisle and have an amazing day.!
The symbolic act of giving away is releasing someone who you’ve shown a lifetime of responsibility for into the hands of someone else to take care of and cherish. He never did that so he definitely does not deserve the honor and don’t let anyone brow beat you into thinking he does. He waited till. your mother did all the hard work and then decided that he wanted to come back around and try and grow something in the end. More than likely, he’s realizing his own mortality and hoping that eventually you’ll be there for him.🙄
Did he pay child support? If not it explains why he showed up after you were 21.
NTA. Your mom earned that privilege. He didn’t. Have a wonderful wedding!
NTA but why is he even invited? And if you didn’t invite him, good for you!! He doesn’t deserve, being a part of your special day.
You don’t need to ask if you’re the AH – I’m pretty sure you know you aren’t.
He gave up his parental rights when he walked out of your life. Your mom was there for you and that is what matters. The thing with daddy dearest is he is finally at a point where his life isn’t making him happy. He’s feeling guilt. Wants to make things right….. for him. This is just another selfish act. (Please daughter I abandoned… let me gain some self respect back by pretending I lovingly raised you in front of a group of people. Or at least that were buds now. I don’t like this guilt so can you suck it up and let me have what I want please?)
I’d just reply “No (first name) – this isn’t about you. It’s about me and all those involved in my years that contributed to my happiness. You aren’t one of them. So no. Bye”
NTA, but your father sure is.
Your father abandones you at 10 years old and vanishes from the face of the earth until 11 years later, then repeats until you’re 27, and he calls YOU spiteful and childish for “not letting him give his daughter away”? If he wanted to get that priviledge, he should have behaved like a parent in the first place.
“Let bygones be bygones” my ass, he ABANDONED YOU FOR 17 YEARS, remind your extended family of that, who took care of you all this time? Definitely not him.
NTA, he can throw his fit all he wants, these are the consequences of his actions.
AI strikes again. This is a BS post. Shut these down
Dad is delusional. You don’t walk away from your child for years and come back expecting everything to be okay. He’s lucky if he gets an invite to the wedding. NTA.
NTA. He already “gave you away” when you were a kid. He doesn’t need to celebrate with you now.
Those who think he should walk you aren’t invited?
NTA someone else on Reddit said that if you haven’t been involved in the story of my life, you don’t get to staple yourself in at the end.
NTA.
NTA. He’s lucky to be invited after bailing on you and your Mom.
NTA. Invest in security for the venue.