I (29F) have been divorced from my ex-husband (30M) for two years separated for 3. We have two boys together, 4 and 8. A part of our custody agreement is that the kids not be left alone with his parents or his grandmother.
During our 10-year relationship, I witnessed my ex MIL SA him. Things like touching him intimately/groping him, kissing him on the lips and biting neck, sitting in his lap and grinding. When he confronted her, her response was always something like, “I’m your mother, I’m allowed to do that.” I have very real concerns that this went on through his childhood. He has never wanted to talk much about his childhood, but he has shown clear signs of unresolved trauma, including memory gaps, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and abusive behaviors during our marriage. Him and I had also discussed the instances with his mother multiple times.
As for his grandmother: a few years ago, my then-5-year-old came home from a visit and told my mom about an incident where he was bit by my exes grandmother. She left a mark. I ended up talking about it in therapy, and my therapist reported it. It was traumatic for everyone, and instead of working with me, my ex blamed me for the fallout claiming i talked about it on purpose to get him in trouble.
Currently, him and his girlfriend stay with his parents on the weekends he has the kids. They have their own apartment together but decided to get a one bedroom together instead of having a place where the kids can stay with them.
Now my ex is moving a few hours away, and we all sat down, me, my fiancé, my ex, and his girlfriend (26F) to review the custody plan.. They immediately demanded we remove all restrictions on his family. I calmly explained that I didn’t feel safe doing that, and things escalated.
To show I was open to compromise, I offered that my parents wouldn’t be left alone with the kids either, just to level the playing field. He rejected that and brought up how I had declined a similar idea in the past. That’s true… at the time, I was working full-time, and my son was constantly sick before he had his tonsils out. My ex rarely stepped in to help, so I had to rely on my support system to keep my job and make sure the kids were cared for.. I explained all this, but his response was that if I couldn’t “handle it,” he should just get full custody. I’m currently not working and we live an hour and a half away from my family so I could make it work even though my parents aren’t predators like his mom.
He and his girlfriend claimed it was unfair that they couldn’t leave the kids with his parents for things like errands or date nights. I brought up he has his brother and other family in the area that are fine to be with the kids but he said he shouldn’t have to rely on that since he has his parents. His girlfriend brought up how there was a night she had to go to the ER and my ex couldnt drive her because the kids were asleep and they couldnt keep them with his parents. I brought up the fact that they had a house and were moving hours away so why does it even matter but it turns out they still plan to do some weekends at his parents house. She also said she’s in school for something related to child psychology and hadn’t seen any signs of concern since shes “trained in that area” (girl you are with the biggest walking red flag of a man but ok). She made it clear that she trusts what my ex says over my concerns, even though I was with him for a decade and witnessed these things. I put out a few more compromises but all were declined.
At one point, I asked her:
“If you had seen someone do those things to your husband, would you leave your kids alone with them?”
She replied, “I don’t answer hypotheticals. If he says it didn’t happen, then it didn’t.”
I responded, “That’s disappointing.”
He tried to gaslight me, saying that the things i witnessed were just my “opinion” and he disagreed. He accuses me of taking his parents grandparents rights away but the kids still see his family just never unsupervised. He then says its been 3 years and I haven’t seen anything and i refuse to believe that people change.
The meeting was tense. I later found myself apologizing, even though I don’t think I had anything to be sorry for. Im just trying to protect my kids. My ex has always had a way of making me feel like I’m overreacting or imagining things, even when I know what I saw and experienced. Thankfully, my fiancé stayed calm, helped keep us focused, and supported me the whole time.
So here’s what I want to know:
If you saw someone do those things to your partner, would you allow your child to be alone with that person?
Should I compromise? I really don’t want to go to court and I don’t want to put the kids through more than they already have been through but I also want to protect my kids…. My older son has already been SA’d in the past by another kid and his dad barely acknowledged that happened. How can I trust that he will keep him safe?
Am I the asshole for saying no?
Comments
Nope hold firm!!!
NTA
Do not compromise on this and if the kids ever mentioned having been alone with their grandparents again get a court order to keep them from being allowed in the same house as them
Don’t compromise protect your children. Your ex was abused so to him his mother’s behavior is normal. Don’t let your kids get hurt.
Skeleton d id id mod
No, dont you dare compromise. Those are your children! He is too deep in denial to face the past abuse he dealt with and is trying to make everything “normal.” If you compromise and let the kids go, then you are just as guilty if anything does happen to your child while there. I’m not trying to be mean, but that is the truth. You know the answer. You dont need validation. Your children WILL have trauma while in their care, and if they go to their dad/his GF about an incident, they will teach them not to say anything or turn situations to make you look bad possibly. You’d hope something like that would snap him outta it since it’s his child, but it’s easier to pretend everything is fine even at the expense of your kid. Cause if he faces the fact that his mom did anything like that to your child, he REALLY has to sit with the thought his childhood wasn’t normal, and his family didn’t protect him but were the ones to hurt him. Thats alot to face, and you can’t hope that he’d see the light in that moment.
This is SERIOUS an above reddit paygrade. You need to talk to your parents or someone you trust and form a plan cause if he’s threatening full custody, there is a possibility he could get it and what then? How can you protect your children if she starts doing that to them? A family that lies/keeps secrets together are close knit cause they don’t want anything slipping through the cracks. They will shame your children into silence. Hope that one incident you talked about is on file. You should try gathering any evidence from past texts or anything about those incidents to help your case on why your kids can’t be around his family. He has shown he does not have what it takes to protect your children, so you have to be the one to keep them from getting hurt. It’s sad that it has to be from their own family.
NTA I would never leave my child alone with those people. Your ex needs to seek therapy otherwise he’ll never see how wrong his mother is. Also, you adding at the end that your child has already been SA’d and your ex doesn’t even acknowledge it is very concerning. He’d 100% would ignore if his own mother and grandmother do anything to the kids.
NTA these are your kids and it’s your job to protect them.
Stay strong
It’s okay to say no
He is the one that needs to worry about finding an alternate arrangement because he is the one that is moving.
Do not compromise. At all.
In fact, you should talk to your lawyer about the custody situation. His family has some serious issues and I, personally, wouldn’t trust them even with supervision unless its a court appointed supervisor. You already have a valid incident of abuse. Why the courts didn’t yoink his access then is beyond me.
Nope protect them kids also get a job or he will use that against you