I (M33) and my wife is also (F33) have been together for 10 years and married for 7. She was my first serious relationship and my first sexual partner. I am her second because she had one boyfriend before me. We met at university, later moved abroad for work, got married, had our first child, and then moved back home to be closer to family.
While we were abroad my wife reconnected with an old friend, let’s call him Mark. She told me they were never more than friends. He was married at the time and we even became friendly with him and his wife.
After we moved back we lost touch until about three years ago when Mark’s wife was diagnosed with cancer. Our kids played together and we supported their family.
Two months ago Mark started leaning on my wife. They went out a few times and he told her he had cheated on his dying wife because he missed sex. My wife told me this and I thought it was odd he would confide in her like that.
Later I discovered she was deleting conversations with him. She admitted they talked about our marriage problems and promised to stop hiding things, but she kept deleting. I began checking her phone.
About a month ago Mark’s wife passed away. The next day I found a secret chat app on my wife’s phone. At first she claimed it was for her girlfriends, then admitted it was only for Mark. She even sent him a message saying, “My husband found the app but I didn’t unlock it for him.” I also found nude photos she said she thought about sending to him, and her browser history showed searches like “how to write erotic messages”.
When I confronted her she finally confessed. Mark was not just an old friend. He had been her FWB while she was dating her first boyfriend. She had always told me I was her second partner but that was a lie. She swears nothing happened recently, but I feel devastated.
She now claims the secret chats were about him asking her how to sext his new girlfriend, who he met while his wife was still dying. At this point I do not even care about the details. The problem is the years of lies and that she kept hiding things even after I confronted her.
She keeps saying I am overreacting, that it was the past and it was just sex. But that is not the point. She was my first partner and I feel deeply hurt. Our relationship feels like it was built on a lie and honestly I do not know if I would have been with her if I had known she cheated on her boyfriend back then.
Now I cannot see her the same way. I have therapy scheduled but things are rough.
Here is where I might be the asshole. I told my wife she has to block Mark, delete all contact, and never speak to him again. I also said our kids will never play with his kid because I do not want him in our lives. I even messaged him myself to stay away. My wife and Mark both say I am overreacting and punishing the kids for something that happened years ago.
So, am I the asshole for refusing to let our kids play together again?
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I (M33) and my wife is also (F33) have been together for 10 years and married for 7. She was my first serious relationship and my first sexual partner. I am her second because she had one boyfriend before me. We met at university, later moved abroad for work, got married, had our first child, and then moved back home to be closer to family.
While we were abroad my wife reconnected with an old friend, let’s call him Mark. She told me they were never more than friends. He was married at the time and we even became friendly with him and his wife.
After we moved back we lost touch until about three years ago when Mark’s wife was diagnosed with cancer. Our kids played together and we supported their family.
Two months ago Mark started leaning on my wife. They went out a few times and he told her he had cheated on his dying wife because he missed sex. My wife told me this and I thought it was odd he would confide in her like that.
Later I discovered she was deleting conversations with him. She admitted they talked about our marriage problems and promised to stop hiding things, but she kept deleting. I began checking her phone.
About a month ago Mark’s wife passed away. The next day I found a secret chat app on my wife’s phone. At first she claimed it was for her girlfriends, then admitted it was only for Mark. She even sent him a message saying, “My husband found the app but I didn’t unlock it for him.” I also found nude photos she said she thought about sending to him, and her browser history showed searches like “how to write erotic messages”.
When I confronted her she finally confessed. Mark was not just an old friend. He had been her FWB while she was dating her first boyfriend. She had always told me I was her second partner but that was a lie. She swears nothing happened recently, but I feel devastated.
She now claims the secret chats were about him asking her how to sext his new girlfriend, who he met while his wife was still dying. At this point I do not even care about the details. The problem is the years of lies and that she kept hiding things even after I confronted her.
She keeps saying I am overreacting, that it was the past and it was just sex. But that is not the point. She was my first partner and I feel deeply hurt. Our relationship feels like it was built on a lie and honestly I do not know if I would have been with her if I had known she cheated on her boyfriend back then.
Now I cannot see her the same way. I have therapy scheduled but things are rough.
Here is where I might be the asshole. I told my wife she has to block Mark, delete all contact, and never speak to him again. I also said our kids will never play with his kid because I do not want him in our lives. I even messaged him myself to stay away. My wife and Mark both say I am overreacting and punishing the kids for something that happened years ago.
So, am I the asshole for refusing to let our kids play together again?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused contact between my kids and kid of my wifes old friend after they lied to me about their past.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA there is so much not adding up here.
NTA. Your wife is trash. She cheated before. She probably is again.
NTA
Your wife was at least having an emotional affair with Mark. There also appears to have been sexting, which I would absolutely consider to be cheating.
Wanting Mark gone out of your life in order to attempt to save your relationship is perfectly understandable.
Both he and your wife are using a child to try and manipulate you.
Honestly, it seems like you need marriage counselling in order to see if there’s anything salvageable with your wife. Considering her desire to keep Mark around, I think you’ll ultimately be needing a good divorce lawyer.
Best of luck OP, you’ve done nothing wrong.
Nta your kids friends are the least of your problems. Your wife is a trash human time to get out
NTA and frankly it seems like you’re in for a rough ride. Your wife sounds like a piece of work. And you’re right to be devastated. Firstly, you don’t have “friends with benefits” when you’re dating someone, that’s called cheating—which already gives you an indication of character. Secondly, they both seem to be gaslighting you into thinking there’s nothing serious going on even though having a secret chat with someone you used to fuck, with some nudes to boot, is already more than serious.
Sorry to be validating your feelings, but… none of this looks good.
NTA. People like Mark are toxic trash. Even if your wife is sorry, so long as there is an emotional connection he will use it to get closer to her. He is actively leveraging you apart. Especially if they both say you’re overreacting.
With kids involved it is super tuff. If you are willing to forgive your wife’s recent behavior to save the marriage the only way it will work is if Mark is entirely out of the picture. Your wife needs that ultimatum.
My motto for relationships, even with kids involved, it’s better to be happy apart than sad or angry together. Kids thrive in a happy environment
NTA and I’m sorry mate but she’s cheating. You need to give her an ultimatum—either she ends it with him completely, no contact, or you leave her.
NTA. Lawyer up buddy, this is going to be an expensive and painful year for you.
NTA, your wife is cheating on you with Mark and she’s lying every chance she gets presumably because you’re gullible.
> So, am I the asshole for refusing to let our kids play together again?
Absolutely not, asking your partner to break all contact with someone she cheated on you with is a fair ask, even if it affects your kids.
Oh, boy. NTA. I’m with you, OP—the issue is not whether they had sex in the past, it’s the secrecy and lies in the present. I’m not going to say that your wife was/is cheating on you with Mark. I simply don’t know. However, whatever was going on between them, she went to pretty significant lengths to keep it from you, and that is very concerning. Relationships require trust in order to function. Your wife is asking you to trust her that nothing happened between her and Mark, but she has given you very little reason to trust her word. Not only that, it sounds like she isn’t even acknowledging that she broke your trust in the first place and instead is minimizing your extremely valid feelings of hurt and betrayal. I don’t know if your marriage is salvageable at this point—that’s only for you to say. However, I think at a minimum you need solo therapy for yourself (good for you for setting that up!!) and then couples therapy if you decide in solo therapy that you want to try to save your marriage. Oh, and obviously your wife needs to take responsibility for the damage she has caused your relationship with her dishonesty and be willing to put in the work to gain back your trust, starting with immediately cutting all contact with Mark. If she can’t even do that much, then I don’t see how you move forward as a couple. Good luck, OP, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA, it would appear that at a minimum your wife is having an emotional affair with someone she cheated on her first boyfriend with.
If that isn’t waviing a huge red flag, nothing else will.
You pretty much have to reconsider everything about your wife and Mark now.
How did they “reconnect” when you were abroad? Who started it and why?
OF course anything after Marks wife got sick needs to be looked at. How supportive was your wife with Mark? How long of a dry spell would Mark have to experience to try to fuck your wife? Did she take your kids over there without you?
Ultimately, she brought her former cheating partner around and lied about their past. Even if you overlook her not telling you about him before you got married(I don’t think you should), that she kept something like that secret should bring everything she has said about Mark into question. I would be very suspicious of the times they went out right before his wife died. That alleged confession from Mark about cheating on his wife, if it came after the two of them were alone together, I would assume Mark cheated on his wife with yours.
I don’t want to tell you what to do in your marriage, but if your wife doesn’t recognize the emotional affair and cut it off, she either is already sleeping with him or will be shortly. Sorry dude.
your ex-wife did what? NTA, hire a good lawyer, don’t let anyone gaslight you into staying in there, so much disrespect
I’m sorry but how naive can you be? You found your wife’s nudes and know she’s been deleting their conversations, and you think she was only planning to send them? Nah, he already has those pictures.
It’s classic cheater behaviour. Only confess to what has been found out already by the person they’re cheating on. And then underplay it like crazy.
Of course they’re both telling you you’re overreacting. What else will they say? Fair cop yo caught us red handed?
And I’ll eat my hat if your wife hasn’t sent the nudes and just ‘considered’ sending them!
Get counselling, and ask around for Rottweiler lawyers and go speak to them. Get your ducks in a row.
Your wife is cheating. What’s even more disgusting is she was cheating with a man with a dying spouse. They’re both despicable
NTA
Honestly, every chance she had, your wife chose to lie first and come (somewhat) clean later. For now, it isn’t about punishing your children, it is about protecting their family. I won’t say that Mark is evil, or your wife is horrible, but at the very least, Mark is in a vulnerable place searching for anything and your wife feels enough of a connection that she is willing to be something for him. Keeping that boundary clear, solid, and unquestionable isn’t a wrong choice.
He and your wife are currently engaging in sneaky, secret, sexual behaviour behind your back. This is not ‘punishing the kids for something that happened years ago’, it is addressing utterly inappropriate behaviour between your wife and another man that is happening right now.
You’re NTA for telling your wife to disconnect from this man, but honestly I don’t really think staying in this relationship is the right choice. She has shown you numerous times that she will be dishonest to you, and not keep her word regarding this man.
I know it’s scary to loose the person who is your first in everything, but genuinely it sounds like you deserve better than how she’s treating you right now.
NTA. She’s been lying to you recently. So this is not “in the past” unless that somehow applies to yesterday. Wtf? She had so many chances to clean. Instead she lied til she got caught. Then lied some more and got caught again. And repeat. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of respect trust and love. She gave you none of those things. She’s shown no remorse either. It’s incredibly hard work to fix the foundation once it’s broken. And it starts with taking responsibility. She won’t even do that. Im sorry to say it, but idk if there’s anything left to save tbh.
NTA your wife’s for the streets. T
NTA for being hurt and mad and feeling betrayed and everything. However, as far as the kids go, that’s not as easy a situation. If they are friends, its not fair to them to make your issues their responsibility. On the other hand, not having him in your lives in any way isn’t a big ask. (INFO) Really, the question is, do you plan to stay together, and are you truly willing and able to put the work in to actually try and heal your marriage? If you’re brutally open and honest with yourself, are you capable of putting this all behind you and moving on, or is this something you will never actually be able to get past?
Your wife is trickle frothing you. She’s only admitting to what you can prove instead of being open. If she wasn’t cheating she would have opened the app and showed you their messages. She knew that you’d find far worse in there and so she refused to. There’s no trust left in this marriage. Even if you told her to cut off contact with him, would you really trust that she had? She’s gone to long lengths to hide everything she can from you. How could you ever be sure she’d cut contact and not just become more secretive? NTA
She was “considering “ sending him nude photos!! Like…what??!! But you’re overreacting?
There is a lot here. Stripping away the noise I think you are mainly reeling from having Mark in your life for a number of years while your wife lied about multiple things related to him; most significantly, imo, the secret chat she had set up. Since you are leaning towards trying to work it out, I think you are NTA for feeling like you need to break from Mark completely at least for the time being.
NTA.
Your wife is cheating. “Preparing” nudes is already too far.
Start preparing for the exit and do the right thing for the kid.
If she’s not giving you full access to her phone and apps, she’s cheating. She’s lied to you and has broken your trust. Without trust, relationships fail. I don’t know about you, however, once my trust is broken, it can never be again w that person.
Your wife has already left your marriage , it’s time to join her.
NTA. This isn’t about the past, this is about her lyng in the present. If I found out my partner was deleting messages from another woman I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. Add the erotic texts and her sharing your marriage problems with him, as well as this being the guy she’s cheated with who is also a cheater. It would be too much for me.
Why would you want to stay with someone who clearly can’t see what a huge boundary they crossed and doesn’t care about the fact that she’s trying to pressure you into maintaining some sort of connection by allowing your kids to stay together? I’d leave her or already be asking for separation