So, I 25 years old live in a 2-bedroom apartment with my roommate, Jake 26. We’ve been friends since college and split rent, utilities, and chores evenly. Our lease is month-to-month, and we’ve always had bills get paid, place stays clean, no drama. About two months ago, Jake started dating Sarah 24, and she’s been spending a lot of time at our place. Like, a lot. She’s here 5-6 nights a week, uses our kitchen, bathroom, Netflix, you name it. I didn’t mind at first because she’s nice enough, and I figured it was just the honeymoon phase. Last week, Jake sat me down and said Sarah’s lease is ending soon, and he wants her to move in with us. I was caught off guard but asked how we’d handle rent and bills. He said Sarah’s between jobs and can’t afford to chip in right now, but she’d “help out with chores” really?. I pointed out that we already split chores evenly, and adding a third person means more mess, more utilities, and more strain on our small space. I suggested Sarah pay a third of the rent and utilities once she’s employed, but Jake got defensive and said I was being petty and unsupportive, He argued that since she’s his girlfriend, it’s not like she’s a stranger, and I should be cool with it because we’re all friends here.
Here’s my side: I get that Sarah’s in a tough spot, and I don’t want to seem heartless. I’ve been unemployed before, and it sucks. But our apartment is tiny shared bathroom, small kitchen, thin walls. Having a third person full-time would change the vibe, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to subsidize her living here. I pay $800/month for my half of the rent, plus utilities, and I budget carefully. If Sarah moves in without contributing, I’m essentially covering part of her costs, which doesn’t sit right with me. I also feel like Jake’s dismissing my concerns by framing it as me being unfriendly rather than practical.
Jake’s side, as he explained it: He says Sarah’s only temporarily jobless and will make it up later. He thinks I’m overreacting because she’s not some random tenant but his girlfriend, and I should trust she won’t mooch forever. He also said I’m making a big deal out of nothing since she’s already here most of the time anyway. He pointed out that she’s cooked dinner for us a couple of times, so she’s contributing in her own way. The conversation ended with Jake saying I’m being unreasonable and that I’m making Sarah feel unwelcome. Now things are tense, and Sarah’s been avoiding me when she’s over. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Jake, but I also don’t think I should have to pay for someone else to live here. AITA for putting my foot down?
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So, I 25 years old live in a 2-bedroom apartment with my roommate, Jake 26. We’ve been friends since college and split rent, utilities, and chores evenly. Our lease is month-to-month, and we’ve always had bills get paid, place stays clean, no drama. About two months ago, Jake started dating Sarah 24, and she’s been spending a lot of time at our place. Like, a lot. She’s here 5-6 nights a week, uses our kitchen, bathroom, Netflix, you name it. I didn’t mind at first because she’s nice enough, and I figured it was just the honeymoon phase. Last week, Jake sat me down and said Sarah’s lease is ending soon, and he wants her to move in with us. I was caught off guard but asked how we’d handle rent and bills. He said Sarah’s between jobs and can’t afford to chip in right now, but she’d “help out with chores” really?. I pointed out that we already split chores evenly, and adding a third person means more mess, more utilities, and more strain on our small space. I suggested Sarah pay a third of the rent and utilities once she’s employed, but Jake got defensive and said I was being petty and unsupportive, He argued that since she’s his girlfriend, it’s not like she’s a stranger, and I should be cool with it because we’re all friends here.
Here’s my side: I get that Sarah’s in a tough spot, and I don’t want to seem heartless. I’ve been unemployed before, and it sucks. But our apartment is tiny shared bathroom, small kitchen, thin walls. Having a third person full-time would change the vibe, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to subsidize her living here. I pay $800/month for my half of the rent, plus utilities, and I budget carefully. If Sarah moves in without contributing, I’m essentially covering part of her costs, which doesn’t sit right with me. I also feel like Jake’s dismissing my concerns by framing it as me being unfriendly rather than practical.
Jake’s side, as he explained it: He says Sarah’s only temporarily jobless and will make it up later. He thinks I’m overreacting because she’s not some random tenant but his girlfriend, and I should trust she won’t mooch forever. He also said I’m making a big deal out of nothing since she’s already here most of the time anyway. He pointed out that she’s cooked dinner for us a couple of times, so she’s contributing in her own way. The conversation ended with Jake saying I’m being unreasonable and that I’m making Sarah feel unwelcome. Now things are tense, and Sarah’s been avoiding me when she’s over. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Jake, but I also don’t think I should have to pay for someone else to live here. AITA for putting my foot down?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m worried I might be the asshole for refusing to let Sarah move in without paying rent because I might be coming off as cold or inflexible. My action was telling Jake that Sarah can’t live here unless she contributes financially, even though she’s jobless right now. Jake called me petty and said I’m making her feel unwelcome, which makes me wonder if I’m being too harsh by prioritizing money over helping a friend in need. Maybe I should’ve been more open to a temporary arrangement or considered that her cooking and presence aren’t totally “freeloading.” I might be wrong for not giving her a chance to prove she’ll contribute later.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re in a difficult position. It’s already a problem that your small space is being shared with someone else; if this is going to be long-term and she isn’t going to pay anything, your friend is taking advantage of you.
1/3 of utilities (possibly a bit more) is fair. But 1/3 the rent seem steep.
Find a compromise.
NTA. Jake is welcome to support his gf by paying her share until she’s employed again.
NTA. If you don’t hold this boundary now or come to a mutually agreed upon compromise (not just you caving to their demands) they’ll only take advantage of you more and more as time goes on
NTA Seems like you handled it well. Good for putting your foot down.
NTA, he’s been dating her for two months & now he wants her to live with you guys rent-free? without even an agreement that she pay 1/3 after she find a job (honestly still too generous, she may just never get another job)? nope, that’s bullshit & possibly a violation of your lease to have her move in anyway
They are sharing a bedroom so not 1/3 but something for using shared spaces and utilities.
she is splitting the bedroom with the guy, its not fair to make them both pay 2/3 of the rent. but utilities should go 3 ways and for rent it should be fair that maybe you pay like 45%?
if sarah is not able to pay, than her boyfriend should cover her part. not you.
slight YTA here because you expect only to pay 1/3 of the rent now.
They are sharing a room, so she shouldn’t have to pay 1/3 of everything.
But some price between 1/2 and 1/3.
NTA she is his gf, so he should offer to pay more to cover some of the costs for her. It’s not fair to expect you to do it. I think the friendship is not really going to recover after this however. They have already decided your unreasonable and the bad guy and will probably hold this over your head.
When I lived with a partner and a friend we split it 3 ways, it just makes sense. Nta
NTA. If Jake is paying for “her rent” too (as in, they share a room so the total rent itself likely wouldn’t go up), that’s no problem if you’re happy to live with her, but of course the utilities will go up and they’ll need to account for that too. So she should either pay 1/3 of the utilities, or if Jake wants to be such a gentleman he can pay 2/3 for himself and her usage. That’s the only fair deal here.
Make sure he plans on informing the landlord too, before y’all get in trouble for something that’s not your fault personally.
No, I don’t think you’re being inconsiderate neither unfriendly. You’re being fair. If not Sarah, then Jake should be covering her part of the rent & bills until she gets a job. She’s not a stranger, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you have to cover for her personal situation. It doesn’t sound like you’re rolling in money and are extremely comfortable. I would suggest that Jake covers her part so that she can make it up later. Or you both cover her part and sign a promissory note. Nothing less. If paying for her part is a sine qua non for maintaining your friendship, then you should decide whether that friendship is worth it.
NTA.
NTA
The problem is though, she’s already moved in. Anyone will tell you that if she’s staying 5/6 nights a week, it’s essentially living there. 1 more nights won’t actually change your bills that much.
That being said, any flat decisions you’ll now be outvoted. When they no longer want a roommate you’ll be the one that needs to move out.
Tell him if she stays over more than twice a week you’ll consider her as living there and the rent will be divided by 3, whether he pays 2/3s or she pays 1/3, doesn’t matter. But you will only by paying 1/3
She’s sharing a room, but she’s also going to be in their common space and using utilities. There has to be someone here with a better math brain than but NTA
NTA. Run it past your landlord. If they’re agreeable, Sarah gets put on the lease. If not, you might need to find a new roomie.
Compromise and agree to keep the rent split the same but you’ll only be paying a third of utilities from now on. Whether he makes up the other 2 thirds or they pay a third each is up to them. If funds for groceries are also usally pooled then you’ll only be adding a third to that too or you can switch to buying your own groceries.
I’ll say NTA really. I don’t think the rent split should change as your private space (Your bedroom I assume) remains unchanged and Sarah won’t be getting her own room. Utility costs would rise so that should be split equally amongst the 3 of you. Sarah is Jake’s girlfriend so if Jake wants to cover her share until she’s working then he’s more than welcome to but that shouldn’t affect your finances.
I don’t even need to finish reading this to tell you three people, everything gets paid three ways case closed
NTA
After TWO M9NTHS of dating??
They have been together 2 months, she’s there 5 to 6 nights a week and she’s ready to move in. How long has she been between jobs? How is she paying the lease that’s ending with no job? NTA . It sounds like she’s looking for someone else to pay her way. If your roommate wants to that’s his choice but it’s not your responsibility to support her.
NTA. I would actually already be uncomfortable with her being there so often. You’re already subsidizing her living if she’s there 5-6 nights a week. I’d be willing to bet your bills have gone up in the last 2 months from what they used to be with the extra consumption. And I would also bet there’s probably a clause in your lease about visitors and how long they are allowed to stay (usually 1-2 nights a week or a certain amount of nights a month. Seen both).
I don’t think it’s in your best interest to blow this up into a huge thing right off the bat by bringing up your lease or involving your landlord though. If you and Jake are friends sit down and have an honest, chill conversation and explain it simply. “This is a small space. I am not comfortable sharing it with a 3rd person. I am also not comfortable (or cannot afford) paying part of that persons share to live here. She is your girlfriend, not mine. I am not comfortable with her the way you are”
And if all else fails, tell him he’s free to move out into a new place with Sarah and find a new roommate