I (33F) hosted a small birthday party for my daughter (6F) at my home. I baked and decorated her cake myself, it wasn’t professionally decorated, but my daughter helped me pick out the colors and the design, and she was super stoked about it.
My sister-in-law Anna (30F) is part-time baker who performs small cake, business in her home. She smiled upon seeing the cake, but then separated me from everyone else and said, I can easily do something if you want it to look very nice in photographs. I told her no thank you, my daughter and we were proud of it.
Anna kept pushing it, insisting that it would not take long and that she had some things in her car which she keeps with her wherever she goes just in case. I reassured her once again that we were fine, and she let the matter go, but clearly was upset. She barely lingered for the remainder of the party and departed early.
My brother messaged me after that evening that I had embarrassed Anna in front of everyone for refusing her generous gesture and that it would have cost nothing to let her help. My husband thinks I was right to stand firm, but my mother-in-law chimed in too that I should just have let her make a nicer cake for the sake of keeping the peace.
I did not mean to hurt her, but I also believe she was overstepping boundaries. My daughter liked the cake, and that was something that mattered to me.
AITA for not letting Anna re-make the cake?
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I (33F) hosted a small birthday party for my daughter (6F) at my home. I baked and decorated her cake myself, it wasn’t professionally decorated, but my daughter helped me pick out the colors and the design, and she was super stoked about it.
My sister-in-law Anna (30F) is part-time baker who performs small cake, business in her home. She smiled upon seeing the cake, but then separated me from everyone else and said, I can easily do something if you want it to look very nice in photographs. I told her no thank you, my daughter and we were proud of it.
Anna kept pushing it, insisting that it would not take long and that she had some things in her car which she keeps with her wherever she goes just in case. I reassured her once again that we were fine, and she let the matter go, but clearly was upset. She barely lingered for the remainder of the party and departed early.
My brother messaged me after that evening that I had embarrassed Anna in front of everyone for refusing her generous gesture and that it would have cost nothing to let her help. My husband thinks I was right to stand firm, but my mother-in-law chimed in too that I should just have let her make a nicer cake for the sake of keeping the peace.
I did not mean to hurt her, but I also believe she was overstepping boundaries. My daughter liked the cake, and that was something that mattered to me.
AITA for not letting Anna re-make the cake?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I refused my sister-in-law’s offer to help with the cake, which could have been seen as rejecting a genuine, kind gesture from family. Even though I didn’t want her to take over, my refusal upset her and created tension at the party. By not allowing her to contribute, I may have embarrassed her in front of others and hurt family feelings, which makes me wonder if I handled the situation poorly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
An unwanted gesture can‘t be a generous gesture.
It might have been one initially, but after you first declined it was no longer generous. NTA.
NTA.
Keep the peace = roll over and let someone else’s wishes take precedence for no good reason at all.
Anna embarrassed herself, your brother embarrassed himself advocating for his childlike bride and your MIL needs to mind her own business.
Anna embarrassed herself by pushing and refusing to take no for an answer the first time . Them coddling her doesn’t mean you should have been expected to do so. The cake didn’t need fixed or made nicer for photos. It was perfect as it was. NTA
NTA. I see this too often nowadays. Prioritising the photo ruins the experience. Glad to see that you stood firm. Your daughter will thank you someday too.
NTA. She’s going to have to accept that it wasnt necessary or wanted. That’s on her.
NTA. She wasn’t being generous, she was overstepping. You said No. That’s a complete sentence. The cake was made by love by you, with your daughter’s input. And she’s literally 6, who the hell cares how it looks in photographs? Your daughter loved it, that’s literally all that matters. You have nothing to apologize about, she sure does though, for being pushy and childish.
NTA – what about your daughter’s feelings? She helped pick out colors and the design. She may have been sad to see her cake decorated by someone else.
Kindly remind others that this conversation was one on one (not a big show in front of others) and you kindly said no thank you. Hopefully the family will let it go, but I would plan to redirect the conversation if it is brought up again.
Perhaps next year your SIL will offer to make and bring a beautifully decorated cake to the party. There is also a chance your daughter will enjoy this new tradition and want to decorate her own cakes.
NTA. Anna embarrassed herself by acting rude at a party. Pulling you aside and offering to make another cake right there, during the party? Who knows how many times she has done this to various people, considering she drives around with her supplies. That’s borderline insane.
NTA, you chose love over what someone thinks would look better from their own perspective. Love is always the best choice, you’re an awesome mama.
NTA. Let your brother and MIL that you’re not sacrificing your daughter’s feelings and confidence for ‘keeping the peace’. Imagine how bad your daughter would feel if the cake she decorated was remade. Tell your SIL your SIL yoy value your daughter’s happiness over photos. Her offer was sweet initially but she should never try to center her ‘skill’ over your daughter again.
Your SIL likes attention and wanted to make things about her by fixing the cake. That failed so now she’s doing it by making it about her hurt feelings and fictional humiliation.