My father-in-law has MS. Recently, he fell in the shower and ended up with a cut and bruise on his face. When my MIL and FIL told me and my husband about it, they also told us not to share the “real story” with my husband’s brother and his family (they have two teenagers). Instead, they said they told them he “walked into a tree” because they didn’t want the kids to worry. They asked us to play along with that version.
Here’s my issue: I live with a physical disability myself (from an accident years ago) and I do advocacy around disability awareness. A big part of my work is pushing back against the idea that disability and illness setbacks should be minimized, hidden, or treated as shameful. Being asked to lie about my FIL’s fall really hit a nerve for me.
At the time, I didn’t say much. But later I texted them and explained that I’d rather defer the details to them if the kids ever ask me directly, because lying goes against my values. I also mentioned my advocacy work and why this felt important to me. They replied that his fall “had nothing to do with his disability” and got defensive, saying their decision not to worry the kids was final. But if that’s true, why the lie in the first place?
I completely understand wanting to minimize things or move on quickly, but asking me to participate in a cover-up feels wrong. Especially since it undermines what I stand for and feels like reinforcing stigma.
So… AITA for not wanting to lie for them?
Edit: I hear what people are saying about privacy and I agree it’s not my place to share. My issue wasn’t wanting to disclose — I was never planning to tell the kids. I just didn’t want to personally participate in repeating a fake story. That’s why I told my in-laws I’d defer questions back to them. I can see how it might have come across as me pushing, but my intent was only to avoid being dishonest myself.
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My father-in-law has MS. Recently, he fell in the shower and ended up with a cut and bruise on his face. When my MIL and FIL told me and my husband about it, they also told us not to share the “real story” with my husband’s brother and his family (they have two teenagers). Instead, they said they told them he “walked into a tree” because they didn’t want the kids to worry. They asked us to play along with that version.
Here’s my issue: I live with a physical disability myself (from an accident years ago) and I do advocacy around disability awareness. A big part of my work is pushing back against the idea that disability and illness setbacks should be minimized, hidden, or treated as shameful. Being asked to lie about my FIL’s fall really hit a nerve for me.
At the time, I didn’t say much. But later I texted them and explained that I’d rather defer the details to them if the kids ever ask me directly, because lying goes against my values. I also mentioned my advocacy work and why this felt important to me. They replied that his fall “had nothing to do with his disability” and got defensive, saying their decision not to worry the kids was final. But if that’s true, why the lie in the first place?
I completely understand wanting to minimize things or move on quickly, but asking me to participate in a cover-up feels wrong. Especially since it undermines what I stand for and feels like reinforcing stigma.
So… AITA for not wanting to lie for them?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I refused to go along with my in-laws’ request to lie about how my FIL got hurt. From their perspective, I could be making things harder by not supporting their choice to protect the teenagers from worry. My pushback could come across as disrespecting their decision and making a big deal out of something they wanted to downplay.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s his situation to disclose.
Edited my vote. But you would be if you share too much.
YTA – you made that about you and your values so fast that my neck hurts.
NTA, you don’t have to lie for them and defering questions back to them is the proper way to stay out of it.
YTA. It’s not your info to disclose, it’s not on you to decide what info is shared with the kids or when or how that info is shared. If the kids ask, tell them it’s not something you can talk about (perfectly true because it’s not your info to share and therefor not appropriate for you to discuss) they have to ask him about it.
“Not gonna lie for you” is perfectly reasonable. It sounds like if family asks, you plan to tell them to ask him, bc you weren’t there. This is perfectly reasonable, too. NTA.
NAH. How is walking into a tree better??? You slip and fall in the shower, ok, need grab bars, some grip thingies. Shit you can mitigate. But walked into a tree? Stationary objects are a danger at walking speed??? How is this LESS worrisome?
You know this, but someones medical history is theres to disclose and they don’t have to tell anyone if they don’t want to and you’re free to defer to them to avoid saying this (bad) lie.
NTA in refusing to keep secrets like that one. I understand your concern for perpetuating stigma by hiding problems that may be connected to a disability, and of not wanting to lie, but there are other very good reasons for not getting involved in keeping secrets. It is extremely divisive within a family to agree to give information to one adult and not another. There can be times when a family member doesn’t confide in their relatives – but to say, essentially, “I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to tell your brother/brother-in-law” is guaranteed to make the excluded brother, if (or more likely, when) he finds out the truth to be deeply hurt that he was deceived/not trusted/shut out – there’s no good way to interpret such an action. And the children are teenagers – even if they were younger, they could be entrusted with an appropriate and true version of what happened. Grandpa fell in the shower. These things happen, and luckily Grandpa wasn’t hurt too badly. Be careful in wet slippery places. Children are also likely to be even more upset than adults are when/if they figure out that adults have been lying to them.
Telling the in-laws that you won’t lie for them, but you will, instead of telling the truth, tell the brother to ask his parents for any details if you are asked about the incident is a good compromise.
Honestly, the lie would make me MORE worried. It’s a bad lie.
(Also, is the truth, since its ‘not related to his disability’ maybe that they were engaging in adult activity when he fell?)
YTA.
It’s fine to say you’d like to avoid lying. It’s not your information to disclose, so saying ‘you’d have to ask him’ is perfectly reasonable.
I’m saying Y T A because I think your personal views and advocacy work are resulting in your sliding into judgemental territory. There was absolutely no need to bring up your work, and I’m not at all surprised that they responded defensively. You’re making his accident about you and what you believe is best, and I think that’s crosses a line.
You suck. Respect his choices and privacy.
Just forget it
Are these people really going to ask you?
And if they do, ask you, why don’t you just tell the truth and say :
”I wasn’t there?
You’d have to ask him ?”
YTA it’s not like he’s hiding abuse or something.
I think I’d be more worried being told that someone walked into a tree! Why didn’t he see the blooming tree? I really don’t understand the need to lie.
NTA. His body, and he is the authority, and the only one who should be asked about what happened. Why lie anyway?
The shower falling can be addressed with layers of safety measures (grab bar, shower chair, applied textured patches for the tub bottom, etc.).
Walking into a tree would not cause the same injury’s and sounds worse, in a way. Is the family trying to make it look like they are not culpable? Do they feel guilty about not watching more closely?
Don’t lie. Refer questions to the individual who suffered the injury.
I’m not lying for anyone if it’s not life or death.
NAH though it depends on how you defer the kids if asked. If you make a big show of not telling them and get them all suspicious and worried like a “Go ask him, I’m not saying ANYTHING” then yeah you’d be an ahole. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually asking you to lie, just to not tell and redirect if asked which sounds like you want to do anyway. I understand where you’re coming from on how illnesses are viewed, but ultimately, it’s up to the person with the illnesses to decide what they disclose related to that illness. If your FIL doesn’t want you to share, don’t share. You don’t have to lie, but don’t indirectly pressure the situation either.
YTA… simple answer if asked “it’s not my story to tell, you’ll have them what happened “
YTA.
A slip and fall in the shower could happen to anyone. It is not definitively a “disability and illness setback”. Your in-laws are correct.
Saying “You’ll have to ask them” if asked will provoke even more worry and lead to distrust of MIL and FIL, since it makes it very clear that you’re hiding some information. Not wanting teens to think that the MS is worsening or that FIL is in constant physical danger from a shower is a “white lie,” not a reason to sow mistrust.
You are blowing this whole thing up so you can feel righteous. At the least, you could say “Oh, it was some random thing I think, happens to anyone” if you feel soooooo uncomfortable mentioning the tree.
Nta.
Just saying talk to the in-laws is good enough
YTA.
All you need do is tell the inquiring party that they should ask your FIL what happened, because you didn’t witness it.
NTA. Lies hurt families. Lies kill. I think deferring anyone who asks back to them is perfectly appropriate because they are the ones who want to lie, so let them. Not your issue.
It’s his story and his disability. He has the right to deal wth it in his own way, just like you have the right to deal with yours in your way.
YNTA as long as you’re not “outing “ your in laws. There is a way to stay neutral & supportive without the lie. If the lie has so much weight that they need others to back the lie, then the bigger picture may need to be looked into. I understand not wanting to worry teens yet is it really that or does your FIL not want drs to know that he may require more care!?! There is a difference ✌🏼
People without MS can slip and fall in a bathroom. It’s one of the most common home accidents. On the other hand, walking into a freaking big tree would have me very worried about the person who did it.
Your in-laws are being odd. Why even tell you the truth if they want you be drawn into supporting their lie? Best you can do is refer any questions back to them and steer clear of lying. Let them deal with it.
NTA
Yeah, you’re NTA. You’re not spilling secrets or tattling, you’re just refusing to lie. It makes total sense to stick to your values, especially when it’s about something you care about so much. Deferring questions to them is the perfect middle ground. If anything, it’s on them for asking you to pretend.