My mom divorced my dad last year after over 30 years of marriage. During the divorce, my dad accused her of cheating, and she denied it, saying she was just done. I defended her to him, insisting he accept that she was unhappy, which put a strain on my relationship with him.
A month later, she told me she was going on a date. I was genuinely happy for her and supportive from a distance..I even said hello to this new guy over FT. Over the next two months, it escalated quickly. Casual dating turned into trips, meeting his family, and planning a trip next year. Then it hit me. My mom had been having an affair long before leaving my dad. The man she was seeing had been married and left his wife for her.
When I initially confronted her about the affair, she denied it, saying they only knew each other and talked now and then. I had to press her repeatedly before she admitted the truth. After she apologized that slowly turned into her framing it as me needing to forgive her, telling me how unhappy she had been in the marriage, how she had been such a good mom, and that I could not understand what she had been through. That emotional manipulation, being forced to justify her actions while feeling guilty for questioning her, was even harder to process than the affair itself.
I have been living abroad for and have not seen my mom throughout any of this (we talk though) One year later and they are now engaged, and she expects me to meet her fiancé, actively embrace him, and attend the wedding. I want her to be happy, but my boundaries around this are firm.
AITA for refusing to give my mom the active approval and participation she wants, even though I support her happiness from a distance?
•EDIT: I have apologized to my dad, I felt HORRIBLE and right when I felt intuitively something was off I called him. Sorry I should’ve included that in the post..I want to add, My dad today is thriving..he’s still sad at times but he became one of those glow up after breakup types. Back into shape, full of life, truly..he has had a hot girl summer for those wondering! Lol
Comments
You can do whatever you want
Be truthful about your feelings. Keep some space for yourself. Down the road, you can see how you feel.
NTA
I would tell my mother “you betrayed my father and your marriage, and now you’re in a relationship with your accomplice. You lied to me because the truth is so shameful. I am disgusted that you are my mother. Don’t contact me again.”.
You’re not the asshole. She lied and manipulated, and your boundaries are valid. Have you shared your feelings with her directly?
NTA Your mother made her choices on what she wanted her current family to be, and you are allowed to do the same, and if that doesn’t include her fiancé, that’s fine!
I hope you apologized to your dad and are trying to improve your relationship with him.
Hopefully you apologize to
Your dad
As far as your mom that’s on you. I wouldn’t respect that they did at any point but I have no room for cheaters for any reason
NTA: I hope you and your father have patched things up. It is difficult to know what goes on between a husband and a wife so I wouldn’t look upon your mom too harshly. You can absolutely put this all behind you and completely forgive her. You do not have to be mad at your mom to make up with your dad. Maybe tho let your dad know how you wressle with what your mom did to him. Did she wait til you left the nest? Are you an only child, if so, this means a lot to him.
“You used me to lie to my father. Of all the shit you pulled, that cannot be forgiven. I will not be attending your wedding.” Then make plans to be elsewhere.
NTA
NTA I would tell your Mom “Mom, I’m not going to meet your affair partner. I need you to take accountability for the damage you did. You hurt my father, our family and me! I was lied to about you having an affair. You tried to emotionally manipulate me. After everything you put me through, you now ask that I embrace this man? Until you can own up and start making amends through your actions, I have no desire to be any closer than we currently are.”
Your poor Dad, he was lied to by his wife of 30 years. Cheating is not ok, if your unhappy then leave. Don’t lie and cheat then gaslight your spouse. Did you apologize to your Dad? I hope you fix your relationship with him and drop the cheating mom.
NTA
She also lied and cheated on you. She actively allowed you to possibly damage your relationship with your father over the AP.
This man is going to be a part of your mom’s life so although it’s a big pill to swallow….you’ll have to adjust at some point. Your adjustment time depends on you but I wouldn’t refuse to meet him. I’m sorry this happened to your family especially your dad. I’m a daughter of divorced parents and it took awhile to adjust to the new normal. You’ll get through this but no need to make it any worse.
she didn’t betray your father; she betrayed the entire family
NTA. You don’t need to forgive her or have a relationship with her (or her affair partner).
I (54F) don’t know anyone who has maintained a relationship with a cheating parent, regardless of how old we were at the time of the affair, and that includes friends now in their 70s.
We didn’t attend their weddings, didn’t invite them to ours, didn’t let them meet our children, and have zero regrets about never reconciling with them.
Assuming the parents live in a nation where divorce is legal, there is no excuse to justify their behavior. A parent who cheats on their spouse cheats is betraying their children as well.
NTA Actions have consequences and at your Moms age she should know that. Hopefully you and dad are okay. I wouldn’t bother meeting someone that will probably cheat on your mom and be gone in a year or two
NTA.
Just because she has moved on, doesn’t mean everyone else is done picking up the catastrophe she left behind.
She was and still is manipulative….as if saying, “ok everyone, fast-forward to where your new stepdad gets to enjoy family time, too”.
You can go very low contact with mom…but also know, that she expects you to play along with her manipulative storyline….every conversation you both share. She will be pushing for you to do as she says. To accept it and move along.
Keep both parents at a distance, for a while. Only show up for holidays. Only dads birthday.
A month later, she says she’s going on a date… HELLO!!!
Wish her well but that you have no desire to meet her fuck buddy. That’s what he is and will always be. It’s allowed to end a marriage before you cheat. Then you aren’t a liar and a cheat.
NTA. Betrayed everyone in the family. Made you believe the worse in your Father. No forgiveness there. Yea, definitely skip the wedding. No way sanction that event. Meet him eventually if you want future contact with her…
NTA
Not at all.
NTA – As someone who is divorced, this hits home. If things are not going well in your marriage, either do counseling or file for divorce before starting an affair. As OP’s mom is finding out, your loved ones will be affected greatly, and that will affect your relationship with them. Someone told me once to never leave your marriage for someone else, leave it for yourself.
nta
cheating and betraying a partner is not excusable, breaking boundaries is not acceptable. and the affair partner couldnt care less about marriages.
NTA, let her know you are not interested in supporting their relationship or marriage. Say you lied, manipulated me and my father. You raised me to be better than that and I am. Too bad you were too much of a coward to lie and deceive us all. I need time without you, so I can heal and maybe one day I will let you back into my life until then refrain from contacting me. Be as straightforward as that. Leave her on read, and don’t accept calls.
You are NTA. I’m actually surprised you are still talking g to her. She used you and damaged your relationship with your dad, all while knowing she’s a liar and a cheater. That is being a really shitty mom. Don’t indulge her illusion she is a good person and the 2 adulterous people who destroyed 2 marriages deserve to play happy family.
Yea you mom turned you against you dad. Shame on her.
And she let it go on and on. If you would not have forced her to confess you would have never known.
Your poor father was kicked to the curb, his child disowned him. Surprised you can be happy for your mom and wish her well. She is a very selfish and not a good person.