Last December, my brother (47) was found dead in in my grandparent’s home, in the room that he had occupied pretty much since childhood. Paramedics had to tear the door down in order to get to him. Despite being an accomplished athlete in his prime, he died severely overweight and in extremely poor health.
My grandmother (90), in turn, was found on the floor of the laundry room, having fallen some hours, or perhaps even some days before. The paramedics took her to the hospital where she stayed for about a month. Afterwards she was discharged to a nursing home, where she has been for the past five or six months.
She would like to go back to her house, but there is now no one there to stay with her. Over the past five years, she has lost most of her mobility. She cannot walk without a walker and can barely walk with one. She often has issues making it to the bathroom on time, cannot think clearly, and has dementia plus early signs of Alzheimer’s. She often imagines things, has visions, etc.
Brief Backstory
Grew up in a small military town. Grandparents were local legends.
My brother and I spent a number of years living with our grandparents.
After my grandfather (84) died in 2014, my grandmother (then 80) asked my brother to stay in the house with her. Before asking him, she asked if I was willing to do so, offering to buy me this or pay for that. I told her that I would be moving around for work and didn’t feel comfortable committing.
This was before her health begin to decline.
Upbringing
Brother and I were 7 years apart. Parents divorced. Mom was and still is a nervous wreck. We spent a fair amount of our childhood with our grandparents. Last time we lived with our mom, I was in the 4th grade.
We were both extremely overweight as kids and as adults. My brother found sports in middle school and overcame it briefly but gained the weight back after college.
Brother
My brother always had a hard time telling people no and just went along with things, much to my dismay. We always kind of had each other, no matter how chaotic everything else was.
He was teaching high school full-time, coaching, and taking on this role of counselor and caretaker for my grandmother. He was basically her safety blanket.
He took care of my grandmother’s finances, did the shopping for her, and played mediator between my mother and her.
All of this, along with sort of thinking about how he had lost out on the prime of his life, wore him down. I could see it each time I would visit.
Myself
Currently 41. Again, have been significantly overweight since childhood. Always had trouble socially because of it. Didn’t graduate high school. Missed out on huge swaths of life.
Found work in tech. I’ve always made decent money as an adult, but have never been in a real relationship, etc.
Much of my progress as an adult has come after periods of distancing myself from my family.
In 2019 I made a decision that if I didn’t change and do everything possible, I would end up miserable and dead. After a series of false starts dating back to 2013. I basically moved away, traveled, lost over 170 pounds and made a bunch of changes that led to increased professional success.
With all of that, I always felt guilty because my brother was stuck in our hometown dealing with my mom and grandmother. I could never fully commit, I always felt like I should be relieving him of the burden. We would have discussions about it, but he would always say, “I’m just staying here because I owe students loans” and so on.
I hated seeing him deteriorate the way he did and I have a lot of resentment because of it.
Question
I still need to lose another 100+ pounds to get healthy, find a real relationship, and just learn how to be an adult. Am I the asshole for prioritizing my health and life?
My grandmother has options. She can afford to live in a care facility. She has a son that is willing to have her move in (probably not the most reliable situation though) and a sister (94) that wants her to move in so that her nieces and grand-nieces can care for her.
But she wants to be in her house.
My grandparents raised me and my grandmother always brought me everything I asked for. It’s likely I don’t have a career in tech without her. Not sure where we would have ended up without them.
But I really don’t see how I fare any better than my brother did.
Apologies for the long post. Hope it makes sense.
Comments
You’re not an asshole, you’re just trying to dodge a family sitcom where everyone ends up on the floor. It’s great that your grandmother wants her house back, but maybe she can be convinced that Netflix and nursing homes are all the rage these days. Plus, who needs drama when you’ve got tech success.
NTA. Your grandmother has very good options, so she doesn’t have to have you. Also… given the dementia on top of physical issues, being in a care home is probably the safest place for her. I say this as a caregiver for a grandparent with dementia. If you aren’t sure, I would strongly recommend declining. Caregivers need to be all in, and caregiver fatigue is a very real thing. As you have distanced yourself from family, it sounds like you don’t have your own support network, and trust me, you would need it.
I think declining is the healthiest choice for everyone involved. Best wishes to you both, OP.
NTA, your grandmother has some very good options, though considering the state of her health, loss of mobility and onset of dementia, she is very likely better off in a care facility.
It’s my firm belief that we are all responsible for our own joy and contentment. If caring for your grandmother would do that. Great. If not, live your life. We’re on this planet for such a short time. Make the most of it. ¢2
If she’s suffering from dementia and early stage Alzheimers, she needs 24/7 care that only professionals can provide.
She should be in an assisted living facility. Like many people, she doesn’t want to be in such a place, but if she’s suffering from physical and mental disabilities, that’s where she needs to be, for her own good.
OP, commit to ensuring she’s in a good place, but you staying with her sounds like a really bad idea. Do not allow yourself to be talked into this – it’s not the best thing for her, however much she might want it.
As someone with dementia, she’s no longer qualified to make decisions for herself.
assuming family can care for two people, is it the best care? do they know how to cope with a lot of it. they would be better off in a shared flat where someone professinal is there to help. like assisted living. she could be with her sister then.
nta
NTA, grab your life and live it. Maybe look at a paid live in caregiver. There are options.
NTA. She needs round the clock care with dementia and you aren’t trained or qualified. She needs to be with professional people even if living with family. An aide can come. This is too much for one person. Sorry doe your loss
You need to continue living your life and working on yourself. Do not feel guilty- your grandmother has options.
NTA At every stage of life, what you want and what you need can be two different things. It sounds like whatever she wants, your grandmother needs 24/7/365 care. Her sister’s house or a facility could provide that without totally disrupting your life.
Nta she needs a level of care that you cannot give realistically. Her want is not above her needs to be in a case facility.
You do not have the skills care for this woman. She needs professional care in a facility. She may have been a great grandma, but she lived her life. Please go live yours, OP.
Don’t let this situation stop you from caring for yourself. There are other alternatives for your grandmother, as you know. Explore those.
I say this as an 84 yr old woman who lives with her 65 yr old son. If it gets to the point that he has to act as my nurse, I will commit myself to a nursing home. I can still do things for myself and will continue to do so.
Nta. She needs around the clock care that 1 person cant give. Thats the hard truth.
NTA
As someone who was a caretaker for a friend, she needs to stay in the nursing home.
If she has dementia, trouble walking, and needs assistance in the bathroom, she needs to be with someone fully trained for all that.
Speaking from experience, I can say that picking someone up after they fall is not easy. Usually, we had to call the ambulance to help get her up. The last time we tried, her husband fell and hurt his back. He couldn’t walk for a week and went to the chiropractor for at least 2 months, after that.
In the nursing home, the staff has machines to help lift the patients, without hurting themselves or the patients.
At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself first. You will not be doing her any favors by putting yourself in the way of harm, for her comfort. You cannot provide the support she needs to live a normal life in her home.
While she may not like it, the nursing home is the best and safest place for her.
Your grandmother needs 24/7/365 care, she can no longer safely live in her home. Caretaker burn out is a real thing, and it was probably a factor in your brother’s death
It’s too late for her to stay a home with you to help her out. That ship has sailed. If her mobility is limited, she’s incontinent, and she’s confused, she cannot be cared for by one person. She’s at risk of falls, bed sores, infections, and can become scared, paranoid, and even aggressive. She needs someone available 24 hours a day and no one person can do that. If she’s rich, and adamant she needs to be in her home, she can hire round the clock carers. Otherwise, she needs to be in a care home.