Hi Reddit,
I’m a woman in my mid-20s living abroad. Since I was 18, I’ve been financially supporting myself and my family back home. For years, I sent them money every month without saving anything for myself.
Last year, I finally decided to start saving for an important milestone in my life. Part of that includes covering significant travel expenses for both my parents so they can visit me and be part of this event. Because of this, I told my mom that I wouldn’t be able to send money to her like I used to.
Even with my limited income and responsibilities here, I still helped when I could. For example, earlier this year, during a religious holiday, I sent a large sum even though it was a stretch financially. But overall, I’ve been clear that I’m focusing on saving now and can’t keep sending money regularly.
Recently, my mom asked me for money to host a casual family gathering. I told her no, explaining that I have important expenses coming up and this wasn’t something essential. She was upset and said that one of my siblings would help instead.
Then, I found out that she went behind my back and asked someone close to me for money. To get the money, she lied about a family emergency that never happened. This wasn’t the first time she’s lied about being sick or in need to get money, and I don’t know what she actually spends the money on anymore.
I confronted her about it and told her I won’t tolerate being lied to or guilted into giving money. Since then, she’s been acting like I’m the selfish one for not helping her.
I’m feeling exhausted and unsure—AITA for refusing to keep sending money and for calling her out on her lies?
Comments
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Hi Reddit,
I’m a woman in my mid-20s living abroad. Since I was 18, I’ve been financially supporting myself and my family back home. For years, I sent them money every month without saving anything for myself.
Last year, I finally decided to start saving for an important milestone in my life. Part of that includes covering significant travel expenses for both my parents so they can visit me and be part of this event. Because of this, I told my mom that I wouldn’t be able to send money to her like I used to.
Even with my limited income and responsibilities here, I still helped when I could. For example, earlier this year, during a religious holiday, I sent a large sum even though it was a stretch financially. But overall, I’ve been clear that I’m focusing on saving now and can’t keep sending money regularly.
Recently, my mom asked me for money to host a casual family gathering. I told her no, explaining that I have important expenses coming up and this wasn’t something essential. She was upset and said that one of my siblings would help instead.
Then, I found out that she went behind my back and asked someone close to me for money. To get the money, she lied about a family emergency that never happened. This wasn’t the first time she’s lied about being sick or in need to get money, and I don’t know what she actually spends the money on anymore.
I confronted her about it and told her I won’t tolerate being lied to or guilted into giving money. Since then, she’s been acting like I’m the selfish one for not helping her.
I’m feeling exhausted and unsure—AITA for refusing to keep sending money and for calling her out on her lies?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I wouldn’t send her money anymore because I’m saving for my wedding and already covering her travel costs, but she got upset and then lied to my fiancé to get money from him. I called her out for it, and now she says I’m cold and selfish. I wonder if I’m the asshole for refusing to help financially after years of supporting her, especially knowing she might actually need help—even if she lies to get it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Parents should help their children fly, not clip their wings by being a financial burden.
Your mother is holding you back. She’s an adult. She should be able to cover her expenses on her own. Just like you should be focused on your expenses and your future.
It is time to stop being an ATM. It is time for you to be free of burdens and soar.
NTA
NTA
Your mothers problems with money are not your responsibility!
Stop being her ATM and start/keep investing in your future!
NTA.
Sounds like it’s time for the ATM to be out of order. Save your money for your own future, send money if/when you feel like it, but beyond that, make it clear you won’t be sending money to them anymore based on both the need to save for your future, and that your mom is manipulative.
I’d also tell friends and family she reaches out to for money that they are being manipulated by her into giving her money. Whomever gave her the most recent money for the so-called emergency should be told that there wasn’t an emergency – she wanted to throw a party that they weren’t invited to, so she made a withdrawal at the Bank of Suckers.
NTA. Why aren’t a bunch of adults taking care of themselves? You’re not an ATM and since you know now that your mom lies, you know you can’t trust her on anything she says regarding money.
You’ll help family when there are critical emergencies. Give me money for a family get together? Screw that. It’s a choice, not major car accident, need help. It’s time to tell mom you’re not an ATM and she needs to figure out her own finances.
NTA
And exclude them from this “important milestone” your mom won’t appreciate it one bit.
That will also save you $$
INFO
> I found out that she went behind my back and asked someone close to me for money
So what does that have to do with you?
NTA – parents are supposed to help children, not the other way around. If she was ACTUALLY in a hard spot okay, but she is using you. You could’ve a way better lifestyle but she is robbing it from you. Live life.
NTA – You don’t owe her a dime. Cut her creepy lying a– off. Your future is more important than her guilt trips. Also, you don’t want to be associated with people like that, do you?
“I’m feeling exhausted and unsure”
What you should be feeling is ‘used’ and ‘taken advantage of’. Cut off the money flow now. When anyone uses extortion and lying to net money from others, including family members, they need to be cut off. Personally I would not even send them the money to travel to your event. If they cannot save up for it, they really don’t care. What they DO care about is your finances. Not you.
NTA. You’ve given so much for years,even sacrificing your own savings and financial stability, and you’re allowed to prioritize your future. Calling out repeated dishonesty isn’t selfish, it’s setting healthy boundaries. You’re not refusing to help out of spite, you’re trying to break a harmful cycle.
NTA. You have never been under any obligation to send them money. Just tell your mother that you are not a bank or ATM. If she ever approaches you for money again you will cut contact with her.
NTA. I’d be hard pressed to have to ask my kids for anything. I want them to be free, to plan for a future that’s better than what I had, both as a young adult and later in life. I want my kids to become millionaires by the time they’re 40…beating me to that mark by 10 years.
NTA
I’m surprised at the attitude that kids owe their parents, I understand it’s a cultural thing sometimes, but not if they are struggling themselves. I would help my parents if they needed it if I had it, but I wouldn’t expect my kids to help if they were struggling.
nta especially when it’s non essential casual things and she’s lying about it.
NTA. Why should you use your savings so she can have a party?
NTA- If she needs money, she can get a job like everyone else. There are jobs out there that people with health issues, age, etc can do. So there should be no excuses. If she can host a party she can work.