I (28F) am the oldest child and only daughter. My mom remarried when I was a teenager and her husband is very financially stable. Easily could have helped me with college. But nope.
When I turned 18, my mom basically shoved me out of the house and said I needed to learn independence. I had to work full time while paying for my own tuition and living expenses. It was hard and there were days I asked for help, even just for a money to have one meal, but no help from her came. Meanwhile my two brothers (24M & 22M) were babies to the extreme. Mom and stepdad fully paid for their nice university tuition, cars and spending money. When I pointed the double standard, she told me I am the eldest so I needed to be strong. And my brothers need more guidance.
Here’s the kicker, both my brothers dropped out. One of them even has a family now and my mom still gives him money like he is 12. She literally asked me to help support him at one point while I was still juggling debt and rent.
Now that I’m finally financially stable and I think my mom heard I’ll be marrying soon to my long time boyfriend who is a lawyer now, my mom is suddenly calling me nonstop. She says I owe her because she raised me and it’s my turn to give back to the family.
I flat out told her no. And she is now posting everywhere that I am ungrateful and cruel and our distant relatives are all siding with her.
So.. AITA for refusing to financially support them when my mom spoiled my brothers into uselessness?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (28F) am the oldest child and only daughter. My mom remarried when I was a teenager and her husband is very financially stable. Easily could have helped me with college. But nope.
When I turned 18, my mom basically shoved me out of the house and said I needed to learn independence. I had to work full time while paying for my own tuition and living expenses. It was hard and there were days I asked for help, even just for a money to have one meal, but no help from her came. Meanwhile my two brothers (24M & 22M) were babies to the extreme. Mom and stepdad fully paid for their nice university tuition, cars and spending money. When I pointed the double standard, she told me I am the eldest so I needed to be strong. And my brothers need more guidance.
Here’s the kicker, both my brothers dropped out. One of them even has a family now and my mom still gives him money like he is 12. She literally asked me to help support him at one point while I was still juggling debt and rent.
Now that I’m finally financially stable and I think my mom heard I’ll be marrying soon to my long time boyfriend who is a lawyer now, my mom is suddenly calling me nonstop. She says I owe her because she raised me and it’s my turn to give back to the family.
I flat out told her no. And she is now posting everywhere that I am ungrateful and cruel and our distant relatives are all siding with her.
So.. AITA for refusing to financially support them when my mom spoiled my brothers into uselessness?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I dismissed my mom and after I told her no for her requests, I decline every calls she made. And her posts that I was tagged into, i untag myself in it and even blocked her and all of the relatives siding with her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
“Sorry Mom. This is for your own good. You need to learn independence.” NTA.
NTA. Remember that she is the oldest of the family and needs to be strong. And that she has two children to support her.
And block her for good.
NTA. When your mom makes those posts or comments, follow her post up with this information. Then tell her she needs to be strong.
Nta
You made me independent of you, byyyyyye
“Time to be strong mom.”
My Nmom was the same way. Going full NC with her was the best thing I ever did. Obvs NTA Hold that boundary OP!
NTA. She did the bare minimum which she was required to do by law.
You are the reason for your success. You owe her or the rest of the family nothing.
NTA. Don’t fall for manipulation. And if she would escalate the situation – consider cutting her for your own peace.
2 day old account.
> my mom spoiled my brothers into uselessness?
So you actually agree with your mom that not giving you money made you strong.
NTA.
Nta
NTA- tell her she needs to learn how to be independent and strong.
NTA – fight fire with fire. Post about the double standards like she is. Tell everyone how you had to pay for college and work full time while your brothers got everything handed to them on a silver platter. Call her out when she says you “owe her for raising you” by asking exactly what she did that made her feel that way. Remember, a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your stomach aren’t gifts, those are responsibilities that your mom CHOSE to take on when having children. Stand your ground on this OP.
ETA: Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
Ignore, block and move on with your life. Enjoy it to the fullest. You owe her jackshit and I think deep down you know this. All the people telling you you’re wrong can chip in themselves if they really want to. Just block them too if it gets annoying. You know best what your mother did and didn’t do for you. It’s her own fault for babying the boys to such a level of co dependency. Do you really need these people in your life still? NTA obviously.
NTA – you are all adults, you are not responsible for your siblings or your mother. If she wants to support them that’s up to her, it’s not her choice whether you do or don’t. Sounds like a shitty situation to be surrounded by and to navigate through if your relatives see you in line with her view. I wish you luck.
I’m sorry lady, you have a wrong number. You seem to think this number belongs to someone that gives a damn
NTA. “Sorry Mom. You need to learn independence.”
Now that I am well into adulthood, I only give my parents back the energy they gave me.
NTA. Ignore your mother and family. Tell them they can support her. She tossed you out at 18 and you owe her NOTHING. Tell your relatives they can support her, it’s not your job. Don’t invite any of them to your wedding. Live your life the best you can, you don’t need her or any of them!!
Tell her sh needs to learn to be financially independent.
NTA. And so what if she’s posting? It sounds like you’re doing great. Enjoy your happiness and tune her out. Invite them to your wedding, as they are your family. But you don’t have to do anything special for them. Your mom and step-dad can fund their own lives, and if they choose to give money to your brothers, their choice. Your choice is not giving money. And living your best life. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
AI. Weird word/sentence construction.
Post on every social media What Comes Around Goes Around Mom
No other explanation
NTA: block them all and keep living your life.
NTA. Time to learn some independence, egg donor! At the end of the day you’re older so it’s different but just so you know I spoil my MIL.
Sorry mom, you need to learn independence.
NTA
Make a post thanking your mom for everything she has done for you. In the post mention that kicking you out and refusing to offer you any support from the age of 18 on has made you a strong, independent woman, and you are so grateful for the very hard lesson she gave you. 😈
NTA well she taught you to be strong and now is reaping the rewards of that. The only thing (as per reddit standard advice) it might be worth doing some self reflection that she has not squashed your empathy capacity by teaching you to be strong. I mean ”strong” by refusing you child a meal when they were struggling is abhorrent. Most people feel compassion for strangers for example if a hurricane makes strangers in need they often donate to help, so denying your own child a meal is strange.
It looks like your brothers may seem spoilt but your mother has stunted their growth to the other extreme. By no means feel you should support them financially but is your sibling relationship salvageable on a non financial basis? I ask the question as your mother is peddling the dialog you are a miser so your brothers may be deluded enough to expect your support. I’m not sure how much emotional energy you should invest in the relationship but be careful you don’t subconsciously follow your mother’s actions in other parts of your life.
NTA and do what she raised you to do stand on your own and strong without her
NtA. I’d be petty, put her on blast on social media with tags to her family and friends telling them just how much “she did for you, and your brothers” in detail, and then block the lot.
She wants to play stupid games, she gets to win the prizes
Nta. Your mum is tho. She did the bare minimum. Why can’t your stepdad support her.
Go low or nc.
NTA. You were the kid. The relationship you have with your mother, is built on the foundation that she laid.
Just tell her she “needs to be strong and keep practicing independence.”
NTA — everyone here is an adult. No one is responsible for the other. Ignore her, block her, whatever. I’m a narcissistic abuse expert and suggest crossposting to some narcissistic abuse subreddits to gain more opinions. She needs to be independent for herself. Oh and that “you must do this because I’m your mother/I raised you/I gave birth to you” crap. Classic line.
Your mom is over 18 therefore she doesn’t need any help.
NTA
NTA.
Respond to the posts with all the facts of your life – mom gave you nothing, the loans you took out, the months living on Ramen. Then give the evidence of the double standard given your brothers.
Name and shame.
Then go NC with all of them.
I hope you got the opportunity to loudly laugh in your mothers face when she claimed you owed her for raising you. Actually, in retrospect I WOULD agree to take care of her, but with the caveat that YOU get to choose the nursing home she gets sent to.
Your Mama mommied the boys too much, and as a result they never learned to let go of the teat. Not your problem, and you’re NTA for being the independent and successful woman her lack of support helped mold you into.
I hope you and your soon to be hubby-to-be have a happy and successful life, congratulations on the upcoming nuptials!
NTA. Let her know that you are too independent to give to the family.
OP, if your best friend was telling you this, what would you tell them?
NTA
You should post everywhere also, telling everyone what kind of a mother she was. If she’s airing dirt, you should contribute. Betcha half of people have no clue what was going on.
NTA. I’m sorry your mother failed you. And congrats on nuptials.
NTA.
Blast her on socials and tag the relatives and share how she let you go without meals while fully caring for your brother’s through college.
She did what was legally required and that was all.
I would block her TBH.
NTA. Your relatives only have one side of the story! And if they are distant, who cares? You have told her no. And she can’t handle it and so she is guilt tripping you. Rise above her. You are better than that.
NTA. I’d post this whole thing online for those relatives to see, because they probably have no idea this is what actually happened. She likely pretends to be the perfect and caring mother.
NTA, you should tell her you would like to have a relationship with her but it will not be transactional. Be upfront and let her know not to bother asking for money, but she can always be a part of your life. If she refuses then you might suggest to her several loan agencies in the area and let her know you hope she has a better rate than the one you had for your education.
NTA, and who cares what other people think anyway?
Hopefully you don’t give a flying a fuck in a rolling donut what rando “distant relatives” think. I sure wouldn’t. If you do, you’re welcome to clue them in on all the backstory.
NTA
Stop worrying about what your egg donor and her flying monkeys say. Did anyone in your family help you? If not, why would you invite any of them to your wedding anyway? And in the united states parents are legally required to provide food, shelter, and clothing to their children until age 18, so your egg donor gets no credit for anything.
NTA
“You’re a parent. You’re responsible for your family. Sorry you were a bad mom, but that’s 100% on you.”
That’s the thing about independence…it teaches you to be you know…independent. Tell her if you have learnt anything from her it is the value of a well earned dollar and she should go out and earn her dollars and save them for her old age care you will not be providing for.
Let her post. But you are also free to post…your engagement without her in it. Messages about how your partner stood by you whilst mommy dearest gave her sons everything and you nothing. If she wants a fairytale narrative…give her the cinderella warts and all version.
NTA.
She taught you to be independent and strong. It’s a lesson you learned well, time she does too.
Tell your mom to be strong and she’ll get the exact same support she gave you in college.
They are not your responsibility! What goes around comes around …
“Here’s a quarter. Call someone who cares.”
NTA
NTA
Air out all the dirty laundry. Post it all over social media and tag all the family.
She put it out there. You are just correcting the official record.
NTA. make a dramatic post on social media where you tag everyone you can think of and thank your mom for kicking you out and making you pay for every meal, every room, every course in comlege yourself to help you lear to live independent. and then mute her.
Nta.
Fire back to the extended family “where was all of this ‘family helps family’ energy when I was struggling and hungry?. Not one of you cared when I was out on my own with no support at 18. Don’t bother coming for me now just because my mother thinks she is owed something for meeting her bare minimum obligations as a parent”.
Absolutely NOT the A$$hole! You have ZERO obligation to provide any kind of support to the woman who gave birth to you but basically tossed you out & left you to fend for yourself! As for those distant relatives that choose to side with her, think about where they stand in your life. Do you ever even hear from them? People who really know you, who’ve watched you struggle to gain footing and financial stability, without any family support – those are the ones whose opinions matter! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Enjoy all your successes – you’ve definitely earned them, all on YOUR own!
NTA you are ungrateful because she gave you nothing to be grateful for. That’s just consequences in action.
NTA
She never supported you the way she supports her sons, so why doesn’t she rely on them?
You should ignore your mother because she’s not adding any value to your life.
NTA – as a parent it’s your responsibility to care for and raise your children. You’re the one who decided to have a kid, so you don’t get to hold that over their heads when they get older. Children are not retirement plans. They don’t have an obligation to financially support you.
your mother did the bare minimum and then turned her back on you once you were an “adult”. If it’s anyone‘s responsibility to support her at this point, it’s your brothers since they’re the ones that she continued to support after they were grown.
This is clickbait. You know you’re NTA… you know what to do.
NTA. When your mom asked you to help the PLEASE tell me you said “Are you F-ing kidding me???? I went hungry and you wouldn’t even give me money for for a meal! they can figure it out”
INFO: Are your mom and stepdad still together?
NTA, I would even rub it in her face.
NTA. You don’t ‘owe’ your mother a thing. She wanted to be a parent. She chose to have you. Not the other way around. Raising is part of the job as a parent. She has to cloth you, give you something to eat and a roof over your head. That are the basic standards.
Further, she let you fall the minute you became 18. She did not support you or was there for you. You had to figure it out. So, she is the reason that you aren’t close with her and resent her. She was and is a hypocrite.
Maybe she should finally teach her ‘boys’ independence, the way she did with you. In the end, she did you a solid with this. You learned how to be successful on your own. You can throw it now back at her. “Mom, you taught me the importance of independence. I give you the lesson back: It’s not my job to support you. You are an adult. Means you have to figure out to be independent too. Maybe get a job.”
And to the distant relatives, who shouldn’t even be a concern, “I’m so glad, that you side with her. It’s so nice of you to offer her money to raise her two adult boys. She surely will appreciate the support.” Funny to see what their response is.
Updateme.
NTA – you are not obligated to support anyone, especially someone who had the means but refused to even help you while helping your brothers. Tell her she doesn’t need your help, she just needs to be strong. Let her eat her own words.
Nta
Enjoy your hard earned financial independence! Let your heart feel peace when you tell her you will give her what she gave you. You know that you owe her and the chosen ones nothing.
[removed]
NTA. Tell your mom you will give her the same thing she gave to you nothing. Let her ask your brother for help.
NTA!
Tell her you are saying no so she can be independent and strong in her later years.
NTA
Distant relatives are distant for a reason.
Obviously you can’t really help her out right now since you are still learning independence. It is a difficult subject to master and may take you a lifetime to get right.
NTA Like she told you, you tell her, be a independent woman.
🎶”Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.”🎶
Even if you don’t get it, your mom will. Nta.
NTA, she didn’t raise you, and she sure as hell didn’t help you. Get therapy, drop the rope, and don’t invite them.
Stay away from those toxic people!
This is one situation where I would just go no contact. Your mother is one of these that the “boys” will always be her favorites. She sees you as someone that she can use. I would stop contact with her as I’m guessing her retirement “plan” is to move in with you and your husband so that you can support her. I would make that clear that you are not supporting her.
NTA but you do know you need to block her? You are not a daughter, but an ATM. She will always treat you this way, because she will never see it as wrong. I’m sorry, OP.
Info: are they your brothers or stepbrothers?
What is she saying you’re supposed to be grateful for? Her doing the bare minimum until she could legally kick you out of her house? NTA
NTA . Tell her that this will make everyone stronger.
NTA. Your mother sucks
Nope…NTA…go no contact
NTA block your family and move on with your life
Block them all. Don’t even bother trying to defend yourself as people like that do not understand reason.
Congratulations on your up coming wedding. 👏
Don’t look back. You’re not going in that direction.
Every comment she made after she kicked you out and cut you off should be quoted back to her
Dont give her a penny or another moment of your time. She’s just mad she backed the wrong horse.
NTA. Tell her she did such a good job of making you strong, by kicking you to the curb, and denying even money for a meal when you were struggling, that she obviously just needs to do the same thing for your brothers. They’ll be fine. Don’t worry.🤷🏻♀️
She raised you? She’s delusional. Respectfully. Enjoy your life. You earned every iota of happiness
Hello, NTA, what happened to ….. “her husband is very financially stable.” I hope you responded “need to learn independence”. Congrats!
NTA: but it doesn’t sound like your mom had any money. Your stepdad did.
I don’t think that means you should support your half brothers or mother though. Just tell her you don’t have extra money right now.
NTA. I would be so petty in this case!
NTA, tell her you’re still paying off student loans, but your brother who doesnt have any would be in a much better position to help.
And extended family freaking out? Good news…. that’s a lot less you’ll have to pay for wedding guests.
NTA! She needs to be strong and be prepared for retirement!
NTA. She is for saying that it’s your turn to give back to the family. You also sound a bit entitled, but you’re right that if she didn’t help you then why should you help her now? That’s a double standard.
2 day old account posting this?
No, your mom needs to be strong. No help and I’d go no contact.
NTA I would air her dirty laundry and go low or no contact with her, what a greedy gremlin. This makes me mad I was kicked out and my brother stayed until his mid thirties. These pick me women are the reason why men can’t lead or take care of their families and depend so much on other people. In China they are easier on the girls and harder on the boys because they expect more from the boys. Now we have women who out earn and out do men by a long shot and it’s messed everything up. You can’t defer to a man who does less and can’t adult. I deeply resent these types of parents. I’m so sorry OP.
NTA. She’s the oldest, she should really learn some independence.
NTA – If you don’t need the guidance, what are you paying for?
Honestly, Mom would now be disinvited to the wedding…. She sounds like a real piece of **** work
They are distant relatives for a reason and don’t concern yourself with their ignorance. You do not owe your mother anything and if she can’t stop her attention seeking then consider excluding her from inviting her.
NTA. Distant relatives should take a walk.
Tell her that lesson about independence was so great you want to share it with her and your brothers so they can all be independent of you, just like they wanted. If you still want to have a relationship with other family members I would tell them the truth before poisons them against you, that she paid for your brothers, still gives the grown men money but couldn’t even lend you money for a meal and now just because you’re marrying someone with a good job, wants to suddenly get in touch with you.
NTA. I would tell her to ask your brothers for help. She helped you in no way shape or form, so why is it now that you should be helping her. If I were you I would tell her to fuck off.
NTA, your mother is a hypocrite. You need to block her if she keeps calling you, and if she actually tries to do something crazy after that, just remember that you have your future husband, who is a LAWYER. You two can take legal action if she goes overly extreme and takes things too far.
Basically, she did the minimum required by law.😐
You should tell her that you are going to give her what is required by law as well, which is nothing. Then, you should just block anyone who sides with her and live your best life with your soon-to-be husband.
Your mother is emotionally abusing you. She is attempting to manipulate you into giving her what she values most in life: free money. If you break and give her anything, she will leech as many dollars as she can for the rest of your life. My advice is simple: tell your mom that you are putting every extra dollar you make into a retirement fund for yourself! Tell her she forced you to live an impoverished life and you were so traumatized by it that you are building a retirement account so you will be comfortable in your old age. Suggest she start doing the same thing, because you are never going to support her, since she financially abandoned you. Be plain, be specific, be dismissive. You want her take away to be that asking you for money will never gain her anything.
She will respond with ‘hypotheticals’:
If I was living on the street, you wouldn’t help me? No, you taught me that I need to provide for myself, not you.
If I needed surgery, you wouldn’t help pay for it? No, you taught me that I need to provide for myself, not you. Etc!!
nta cut them off, see if you live in a state that will make you take care of her in old age and find a way never to be that
NTA. Let all your relatives know how she “supported” you.
So just be ungrateful and cruel, why do you care about what people think , that never showed any concern for you?????
What does she think you’re supposed to be grateful for? NTA
Let her post. You owe her nothing, just like she told you she owes you nothing. She is the elder here, so maybe she just needs “to be strong” for her babies and suck it up.
NTA “here ill give you everything you gave me since i turned 18 until today” flips off
NTA-Let her do or say whatever she wants. Let me ask OP do you care what your ah mom says or do?
This seems pretty easy. (1) Write your mom a physical letter detailing all the things you had to do on your own because she wouldn’t help—years, amount of debt, jobs you took on, etc. include exhibits to support what you say. Just a “Dear Mom, here’s how the situation looks from my perspective.”(2) Mail the letter to your mom and bcc the distant relatives who are criticizing you (maybe the whole family just so the story is correct everywhere).
I had to do this with my father. Believe me, it ended the problem.
NTA. Your mom needs to be cut off. “Family financial support” has a flexible definition that only benefits her. I hope you create a better family of your own.
You need to post to her page and add all those who agree with her and ask her to point out what she helped you with….. while continuing to pay for grown men.
If you can comment on her posts, by all means, set the record straight. If you can’t write a public post and share all the details. Then go low or no contact with her and your lazy brothers. Congratulations and best wishes!!
NTA
NTA hell no! Tell her to ask her baby boys to support her