I (52M) am the father of a 12 year old boy, Quentin. This is Quentin’s first year playing football, but he’s played team sports before, so he knows the ropes when it comes to teamwork, sportsmanship, and what not. He was very excited to join the team, especially since a lot of his friends were also signing up. The boys even started a group chat to talk about everything and hype everything up.
Recently, I noticed Quentin seemed off after practice and camps. He wasnt as excited and didn’t want to talk about football which is unusual for him. After a little prodding, he finally admitted that one of the kids in the group chat Chase (13M), who has been a friend, was being kind of a jerk to him and other kids. Not bullying exactly, but calling other players “bench warmers,” saying they’d probably lose games because of “certain people.”
I asked to see the texts and honestly… nothing rose to the level of needing to contact the school or league, but it was definitely unsportsmanlike and being unnecessarily mean or instigating. It felt more like toxic competitiveness and putting others down to make himself feel like a hero or MVP.
Now here’s where it gets complicated.. Chase lives with his mom, who’s a single parent working two jobs. She can’t take him to practices, and since they’re mandatory, I had been the one driving him at her request after she got my wife’s email and mine off the player list. He’s 12 and I’m sure can be a good kid, and it’s not his fault his mom’s schedule is what it is, so I didn’t mind helping.. I myself know what it’s like coming from a single parent household.
After all this, Quentin told me he doesn’t want Chase riding with us anymore. He said Chase’s attitude is affecting the team and he feels uncomfortable being around him. At first I told him I’d talk to Chase’s mom before making a decision, but my wife pointed out that if our son doesn’t want someone in the car, we should respect that.
After taking a step back, I realized I may not have been taking this seriously enough. I asked Quentin again if he was sure, and he said yes. I reached out to Chase’s mom and told her we wouldn’t be able to give Chase rides anymore. I didn’t go into too much detail, just said it wasn’t going to work out.
She was understanding at first but has since told me she’s struggling to find another parent who can help, and Chase might not be able to make it to practices anymore. No one else has the flexibility. Now I feel guilty. I know what it’s like to be a kid who just wants to be on the team, and I don’t want this to be a punishment for him not having two parents at home without being given a second chance.. don’t we all deserve that at that age?
At the same time, I have to prioritize my son’s comfort and emotional safety, and if Chase is going to be that disruptive to the team dynamic well, maybe this is a learning opportunity for him too?
I guess part of me feels like no one’s learning anything. Quentin feels better but Chase is now stuck, and I wonder if I could’ve handled it differently. Was I too quick to cut him off? Should I have tried to talk to Chase first?
AITA for refusing to drive Chase to practice anymore?
Comments
NTA, that kid’s well being isn’t your responsibility, your son’s well being is your responsibility
NTA. Support your son. But you really should let her know that her son’s been bullying others.
It’s likely no one else wants to drive him for the same reason.
NTA, but maybe a discussion with the coach is in order. Surely coach has dealt with this problem before and can get this kid squared away.
It’s tough. I kind of disagree on letting a 12-year-old decide who can ride in your car. But I understand the perspective. I think I would have tried to clear up the situation before cutting the kid off. But I don’t think it’s out of line what you did.
NTA,
But as a coach, please talk to your kids coach. Because while it may only be words, that kinda stuff makes everyone feel like shit. And eventually the good kids will drop out
In my team if that kinda stuff happened more than once, that kid would be on the bench, and if it kept happening it’d be a suspension. But we can’t do anything unless we see it or someone tells us what is going on.
YTA. To be candid, I think what your wife advocated for and what you did was vile.
I believe you went for the nuclear option far too early on someone you are already somewhat of an authority over, or at least a partner to. I believe you did his mother an extreme disservice by not even saying why you had an issue. Now all this kid knows is that people don’t like him, and he doesn’t know why.
While I agree that your son’s best interests come first, I do not believe you acted in his best interests as I believe you modeled poor behavior. What about speaking up? What about confronting people about your differences and concerns, and hashing it out, to come to a solution?
NTA
NTA. But I would have let the coach know about Chase’s behavior, and let him handle it. Or maybe Chase’s mom would be better? You’re not responsible for Chase, but I think your role as a decent human being is to give an adult who IS responsible for him this really important information.
Someone needs to have a conversation with Chase about why his behavior is unacceptable, why he’s facing consequences for it, and how to deal with it. I bet that he’s an insecure, unhappy kid, and this incident, without any empathetic but firm conversation to go with it, is just likely to make him bitter enough to keep going down dark paths.
Again, not your job to prevent him from doing that, but I think you should care enough to give the responsible adults the relevant information to help him, especially since it would take so little effort on your part. I feel like that tiny amount of effort is the type of kindness and responsibility that we all owe to each other to keep a community going.
You need to talk to his mom and tell her what’s happening. He’s probably acting out due to home stressors. This might be an opportunity to do some good for this kid. If he continues to be an asshat, leave him off the bus.
Chase has learnt being an arsehole has consequences
Be a dick become a no mate
Good grief, that was painful to read. I feel sorry for your son. You seem to worry more about the other kid’s wellbeing, projecting whatever issues you had growing up onto that kid, at the expense of your son. First, the bullying in the chat was really not that bad. Then making your son say, again, that no, he didn’t want the kid in the car (you not listening the first time or not thinking it was that serious). Thank goodness your wife has your son’s best interest at heart.
NTA, but I’d have shown her the group chat and let her know that it’s his attitude that has made others not want to be around him.
If she wants to defend his crappy attitude even with proof, then you can be guilt-free about it. If she takes it seriously though, this could be a good opportunity for her son to learn that you can run your mouth, but there are consequences when you do.
NTA
My kid was like Chase and I worked four jobs. I prayed for a male role model to be in his life. You could teach both kids how to be the bigger person. You could always end it if you Chase didn’t get with the program.
NTA. Do not ignore and force your son to be with someone toxic.
If I was you, have a discussion with the mother and tell her the reason nobody wants to take her son. She can choose to ignore or work on her son
Why don’t you use this as a chance to model constructive conflict resolution for your son? Have a sit down with the two boys. Have Quentin tell Chase why he is uncomfortable with him. See if they can find a solution.
Quentin will remember this skill the rest of his life.
NTA
But…sounds like this kid has low self esteem and is suffering based on his environment. You had a chance ti really help this kid grow and become better…he won’t know why he isn’t getting rides and will just go on being himself.
NTA..but wow could you have maybe made a difference I this kid’s life.
YTA – someone needs to speak to the 12 year old & explain that actions have consequences & words matter. Offer to do it for the mom if she thinks it would be better coming from you.
NTA, support your son. Tell Chase’s mom exactly why you’re no longer driving him. Maybe she can get through to him.
I agree with Gloomy. Talk to the coach about the entire issue. NTA. But maybe in the future if things work out you could help to mentor Chase so he’s not such a little brat.
NTA. But you should tell his mom why you made this decision so she can at attempt to correct the behavior.
Not really the AH but I feel like you should have talked honestly to the mom. The kid is only 12, I feel like it’s a missed opportunity to involve the mom, probably the coach to help him how his behavior is not appropriate. And make it clear that if he can’t change it, he wouldn’t be able to play.
NTA he’s a problem child who is mean to the other kids, your son doesn’t need to suffer that treatment. He can ride the bus, get an uber, or heaven forbid this lady has to ask the child’s father
I was in the same boat. My daughter had a best friend since grade 1 they went to school together and played on the same hockey team. Everything was great until grade 6. The “ friend” starting bullying my daughter at school. We always carpooled and I would have to drive her a couple of times a week. It was painful. I read about it and I worked on empowering my kid rather than getting involved in kids problems. The next year, the “ friend” wasn’t good enough to make the rep team so it all worked out.
NTA Just respond back to her that you are sorry about that but a change in your schedule made you unable to pick him up for practice anymore. You hope she is able to find a way to get him to practice. Leave it at that. Your job as a parent is to support your son, even if you can empathize with his friend/bully. It’s to the point he doesn’t want to be in a car with him even with his dad there. That’s all the reason you need to set a boundary. If you talk to your son about it again to really make sure, all it’s going to do is come off as you pressuring him to just suck it up and deal with the bullying. That’s the last thing you want to do. Tell your son again you support his choice and if he wants to talk about it more with you be there to listen or give advice.
Yta. Not nice to be around yes but thats not bullying. All the adults in the picture: mom, coach, school counselor, you…be adults and should talk to this kid and make things right….
NTA unless you force your son to ride in the same vehicle as his bully which you didn’t. Your loyalty is to your family.
I would suggest speaking to the coach and the bully’s mom about your concern over the toxic behavior displayed by the bully. Good sportsmanship is an extremely important part of participating in sports.
NTA.
I agree with the folks suggesting that Chase’s mother and his coach should be made aware of why he’s not able to get a ride to and from practice.
Football is secondary to “this kid needs to know that this is a direct consequence of his bad behavior.”
Once the topic is broached, a few things can happen. Coach can get on board with helping the kid get to practice (either taking him there personally or recruiting another parent who can). Chase can get his act together, apologize, and stop being rotten to his teammates. Or Chase could go the other way, double down and be mad at the world for being so mean to him.
If Chase chooses Option 3, no matter how talented he might be athletically, his departure from the team would be addition by subtraction. If he chooses the “realizes he messed up and knocks the bad behavior off” path, everyone wins, especially Chase, and I don’t just mean winning at football.
I hope the kid learns from this and makes a course correction. He doesn’t have to grow up to be a schmuck, but it sounds like he needs someone to sit him down and level with him. And, perhaps, consequences for acting like a schmuck need to be a part of that.
NTA but how does Chase learn if no one tells him he is TA
NTA. These rides were a privilege, not an entitlement.
NTA. The other parents may be lying about flexibility to avoid him as well.
So what is wrong with being honest about why you will not pick up the young man. Let his mom work on his attitude. I am willing to say he will treat your son differently once his mom explains a few things!! I hope, anyway.
NTA. You should support your son, but you need to let the other kid’s mom know exactly why. You come across as an AH because you just up and stopped driving him without much explanation. She needs to know why, if it were my son I would want to know about it. Think about it, if the situation were reversed wouldn’t you want his mom telling you if your son was bullying other kids? So definitely NTA, but you look like one to the mom. Talk to her.
YTA your wife was wrong, your child is going to have to learn to deal with conflict and you forfeited that opportunity by coddling him. You also failed as an “adult.”
Step one was chatting with Chase directly about his behaviour and the impact on others. No improvement, talk to Mom. No improvement stop driving.
Instead Chase has consequences without him or his mom knowing why, and your son will think people who make him uncomfortable should just go away.
Go have a chat with Chase and his Mom.
I think it’s good that you’re asking these questions and thinking beyond just nuclear comfort and considering things about “What are they learning?” While ultimately your child’s safety and well-being should take precedent, I think you’re considering that. In that situation, I might consider challenging them all to look at the situation and how they can do better. See if there is a way to let Chase know that how he’s acting is crossing a line and that he’d ultimately face natural consequences for that (being excluded from the team if he alienates everyone). This isn’t your job, but there might be a way you could clue in his mom about it so that she can talk to him so that he doesn’t end up spending until driving age isolated. You could maybe find a subtle way to help the mom facilitate a discussion that could get her kid to admit that he’s acting like a dick, so that he has a chance to make amends to the group. When people don’t know what they’ve done wrong, no one learns anything.
I think it’s great you’re on your kid’s side, but at the same time, I think it’s nice to ask if there’s a chance to learn something in any situation if there’s not a direct harm coming to them. Even in childhood, teen years, and ultimately in adulthood we need to learn to negotiate conflict. We may have to work with or learn to be around people that we don’t get along perfectly with, and especially around that tween age is when mistakes are often made. While we don’t want to subject our kids to bullies unnecessarily, we also don’t want to put them in unrealistic bubbles where they never are challenged and are never supported to learn to empathize with others, resolve minor conflicts, and learn to get along. With the younger family members and close people in my life, I often encourage them to consider if they can figure out ways to get along / negotiate / perspective take, etc. It’s the only way they are able to learn how to do this for adulthood when they won’t have a choice – in my family not every kid gets their own toy, their own ride, etc. Essentially, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but by having small, controlled, low stakes challenges when they are younger, they’re often more able to deal with bigger challenges as they get older. By picking and choosing to do this whenever there are small issues, there are times it won’t work out, and you always ultimately protect your child and take their side, but it gives them a lot of practice with interpersonal skills.
In this situation (if it were possible to resolve) you would want to ensure that Chase took the first step and took responsibility for his behavior before there would be any consideration, and I think your son is old enough if Chase did a good enough job of it to learn forgiveness and that others sometimes make mistakes, but also that in Chase’s situation he is relying on others’ to be able to do things, and not having parents’ able to drive everywhere isn’t something every kid has. But you may also want to use the opportunity to find out what your son has said or not in response and what the other kids have said (and also what have the coaches or other people said?). I know at that age some teams are very competitive and exclusive and some aren’t. Some prioritize winning, some prioritize teamwork. Most have sportsmanship as part of it. But there is always a way to respond. I mean to be honest your son could’ve even said, But if Chase is able to apologize, it would be great for your son to learn to forgive and other things like challenges other kids with different family structures have. Those are the types of things that kids by the age of 11-12 often start learning about as they start doing more sports and other afterschool activities more independently.
NTA
Your first priority should be your son.
Likely all the other parents don’t want to give Chase a lift for the same reason
You need to explain to the mom Why you won’t drive Chase. Then she’ll know what- or rather who- the problem is and how to solve it.
NTA , protect your kid before you feel sorry for anyone else’s kid. Your family comes first……
ESH—no one is learning a lesson here because you aren’t doing anything to communicate the problem.
NTA but I would say that there are teachable moments for everyone here.
Mom deserves the truth so hopefully she can find a job that pays her more so that she wont have to have 2 jobs to make ends meet and can spend more time wirh her son. She may be aware that her son is having some mental/emotional problems and she may not. Therapy and accountability are both a necessity for her son as if she doesnt handle this now he may never learn emotional intelligence and continue to say and do things that hurts other people, himself included in the present and in the future. I had undiagnosed mental/emotional issues as a child/adolescent and even though I saw a therapist off and on I learned to hide my pain quite well, so I am now 39 and struggling to keep from imploding since I internalized things so much and taught myself how to mask my feelings due to other family issues being more important.
While you are advocating for your child and rightfully so, you may have to have a deeper talk with him and let him know the ways of this cruel world. Mommy and Daddy won’t always be there to save him from interacting with less than favorable people that make him uncomfortable. Unfortunately this is something that is going to have to get used to. He may have to deal with it on school busses, Middle and High School classes, should he decide to go, college classes and in group projects(especially if he is a hard worker and strives for high grades—-others will slack and the onus will be put on him to take lead and do more work than others to ensure they ALL get a good grade) , as well as the worst of all, the work place…he may encounter people that make him uncomfortable and are just downright mean and nasty to him, this includes members of leadership as well.
Wife needs to learn that children will not or should not always get their way. What happens if your son does not want YOU or HER in the car or wherever for whatever reason? Will she keep the same attitude.
It sucks that you got put in the middle, but everyone has to learn some things depending on their specific roles on this situation, ESPECIALLY empathy and emotional intelligence. I hope everything works out favorably in this situation. It’s not too late to fix this. Is their public transportation in your area that Chase can get a bus pass for and use for traveling to and from practice, or Uber for Kids?
I TRULY wish you all the best and pray that this has a happy ending for all!
I have a suspicion that it’s not that other parents can’t drive the bully. It’s that they won’t. Someone needs to be an adult and tell his mom why so the kid can make the connection between his behavior and the consequences. ESH except your kid.
Nobody is going to learn anything unless you address the issue with his mother and let her talk to him about his conduct. How would your son feel if he received an apology?
NTA, and if Chase is being punished, it’s not because his mom is a single parent but because he’s a jerk who doesn’t know how to be a team player. Hopefully he learns something from this that helps him down the road….but he has to see consequences for his actions.
ESH – You’re concerned enough about Chase’s behaviour, but not enough to speak to his parent or the coach about it? So, instead of productively addressing the problem, you’re taking steps that you know will remove him from the games entirely.
This isn’t teaching your son to deal with conflict effectively.
NTA,
But also think you could’ve handled it better. I think talk to mom & Coach to let them know what’s going on & see if something can be improved. Even if your son doesn’t want him to ride, let the adults know what’s going on so they can correct it. Especially mom, because I doubt she knows about her child’s behavior & should be given the opportunity to correct it.
Then after that, maybe your son would be okay with the friend riding again. If you’re concerned about learning lessons, I think this might be a more all around approach.
This is tough. Especially because the kid is going through a tough time in his childhood and that is likely why he is lashing out.
Which is he, 12 or 13?
Any good coach would want to know about the group chat.
Its a teaching opportunity. And also a mark to uphold team values.
I don’t think that either you or the mom are assholes and I’m not sure the kid really is either so NAH. I would personally tell the mom that her son’s behavior makes your kid uncomfortable and that’s why you can’t help anymore. I’ve had to have that uncomfortable conversation with the parent of a kid who was/wanted to be my kid’s friend but whose behavior was problematic. I only played 2 rec seasons of soccer because my mom couldn’t transport me either and I was an additional burden on one particular parent. I was forever grateful to him and I remembered his kindness recently when I heard that he had passed away. But tbf I was a nice kid and not antagonizing anyone. His daughter and I stayed friends through high school and he drove me to practices in 5th grade.
NTA
Do right by your son. Listen to him. Be a good dad.
And, if you really care, you need to tell his mom exactly what is going on. I don’t understand why you haven’t already said something. The woman isn’t omniscient. Tell her.
I suspect the reason she can’t get anyone else to help is because none of the other boys want to ride with him, either.
I think you should also tell the coaching staff. They need to have a team meeting about bullying.
Support your son. My mom failed to listen to me, and as a result I suffered abuse that could have been avoided.
The proper thing to do would be to talk to Chase’s mom about his behavior. I wouldn’t just stop taking him and explain to your son that you will be having a conversation with his mother to see if Chase’s behavior can be sorted out and he becomes a better teammate. That should have been the very first thing you did.
NTA for putting your son’s well-being first. I just think the better solution would be to fix the issue rather than not doing anything and the kid gets kicked off the team because he’s unable to get to practice. Understandable situation but it is a little unfair to him. No justification to his behavior, but as others have said, someone needs to have a talk with him and the best person to do so would be the coach or his mother. No one is saying anything to Chase so he probably doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.
You definitely need to inform Chase’s mom. Chase needs to know their consequences for his bad behavior. The mother will better understand the situation as to why nobody wants to give Chase a ride due to his bad behavior.
NTA. Stand by your son. But I would talk to the coach. They should know what’s going on with their players. It can affect moral, sportsmanship and game outcomes. Also maybe the coach can pick Chase up or come up with a solution for him.
NTA – your kid comes first. Always.
Tell the mom you don’t feel like rewarding his bad behavior. This is a direct consequence of his actions not the fact that he doesn’t have two parents. He has been a little jerk and pushing people away.And the direct consequence of that is people not wanting to help you.
I would tell his mom why you’re not giving him rides anymore.Because you’re right, otherwise he’s not going to learn anything.But this is a direct impact from his actions.
You also absolutely need to put your son first.Do not give chase any more rides end of story. If you do you could be doing permanent damage to your relationship with your son because he’s gonna feel invalidated that you dismiss him and don’t care.
Sooo.. NTA. You’re in a tough spot, but your job as a parent is also a double-edged sword. I understand feeling like you should protect him, but if you want your son to be the kind of person who gives people second chances, do you think you should set the example? Even if it makes him uncomfortable?
As for Chase, I would have a conversation with his mom. Let her know what the team has been feeling, and show her some of Chase’s messages. If you feel so inclined, offer to step in and talk to Chase. If he doesn’t have a dad, that could be a big part of the problem. He doesn’t have someone that will lift him up and humble him the way a dad does. BUT, start by having a conversation with his mom. For all you know, this could also be the reason she’s having a hard time getting another parent to help.
NTA for no longer driving the child, but you should have told his mother the reason why. Saying “it just won’t work out” is fine in some situations, but more is called for here. If this was my child, I certainly would want to know. You don’t have to be a part of fixing this problem if you don’t want to, but at least let her know what the problem is so she can do something about it. That will not only benefit her, but also the child as well as his current & future teammates, classmates, etc.
You put your son before anyone. He doesn’t want Chase in the car due to Chase’s actions. If he can’t get to practice now because of his behavior, then too bad. He is not your responsibility, your son is.
NTA. F that kid. But I think you need to tell the mom why. Right now she’s prob all “woe is me,” and Chase probably is, too. But if you let them know this is a direct result of his actions, he will hopefully be able to understand that this is the consequence for his bad behavior.
He’ll continue to act like a little punk if he doesn’t suffer any consequences.
The kid needs to learn consequences. He needs to learn the “Find Out” part of FAFO, while the consequences are not life threatening. You’re NTA.
NTA but you should have told the mom. It might be that no one’s kids want him in the car for the same reason. The mom might be able to get him to apologize
I bet chase’s mom can’t find a ride because no one else wants him in the car. It’s simply not your problem, Chase has done this to himself, he should leave to be nicer to the other kids and maybe someone would be willing to help him out.
If the messages are enough to be turning kids against chase, it’s enough to talk to coaches. Doesn’t have to be much, just a “hey, my son has been saying chase has been being unsportsmanlike, can you keep a closer eye on it to check things out?”
Fake
You are Not The Asshole; however, this is an opportunity to step in and do what the coach and Chase’s the father apparently aren’t doing. Hell, you should probably talk to Mom too, and see if y’all can’t remedy the attitude that’s shitting up the team.
NTA. He’s 12. He has lots of years of sports ahead of him. He’s not your responsibility and he needs to understand that actions have consequences.
NTA. Perhaps all those others parents are also prioritizing their kid’s comfort around Chase.
NTA. Your son doesn’t want to seem like he is Chase’s buddy, since the other boys on the team don’t like Chase.
This is a perfect opportunity to have a good conversation with a young man who might be struggling. You can show your son by example that sometimes having hard conversations is the way to go. Right now everyone is taking the easy way out and truly not holding him accountable for his behavior. If you don’t feel capable of doing this then certainly you should pull in the coach and his mom.
NTA you should let the coach know what he is doing so it can be addressed with his mother by the coach. This should help your son not receive my backlash from the child or his mother. Chase is the cause of this. Not you. Not your son.
NTA
But kind of TA for not explaining to the mom or the coach so they may correct the behavior. The behavior won’t be corrected if no one speaks up and ignores it. He needs to learn why no one will take him.
NTA. Stick up for your kid.
But do have that conversation with the mum. And you do need one with the coach.
Footy is a team sport. The whole team needs to be on the same page. Arrogance doesn’t have a place. That kid may not even realize he’s being toxic.
Hell, maybe this is the only thing he’s got going for him that he’s good at or that’s positive in his life right now and he’s hyper focussing on it.
As for the other kid, you’d want to know as a parent that your kid is being a bully. At 12-13 there’s still time to address and correct this behavior. Like it or not, because of the footy you’re part of this kid’s village. His mum can’t parent if she’s not aware of the issues.
Hey. If the kid wants to be on a team playing team sports he’d better learn to be a gentleman and sportsman. That requires humility and putting his ego aside.
I look at this from a different perspective. This could be a good learning moment for your son and Chase. A good opportunity for your son to stick up for himself with your guidance. I would ask your son if he wants to have a conversation with Chase; with you and maybe the coach present. After all, Chase did start off as his friend. Maybe Chase can apologize to the group and patch things up. This would be 100 percent up to your son but the suggestion wouldn’t hurt.
NTA
I’d talk to my son about the consequences of his request and ask if you and the mom and your son and chase could have a sot down and discuss this— one kid, one parent from each side. (I’d talk to the mon privately one on one first, show her the messages and explain the situation.) If the sit diwn then works, ask ypur son and Chase tö agree to a trial period of ten rides. Everyone could do one sctivity—ice cream, library, wjatever— outside of the ride, too.
I think this could be an opportunity for everyone if handled well. My daughter was in a similar situation— and they ended up really close.
Last: i, should the coach quietly be informed? He or she could prioritze teamwork, support, communication— initially without any finger pointing ir raising your kiddo’s name.
And no, you are NTA just trying to do yr best as is yr wife as is single mom—by your kid. I just think a little grace might go a long way.
NTA. Put your son first. Don’t risk your relationship with your son because you feel bad for someone else’s.
NTA but you are not helping Chase by failing to connect the behavior to the consequence. What you are describing is indeed bullying and should have been reported immediately to the coach. When you told his mom that you couldn’t drive him anymore, you should have mentioned the reason why. It’s important for Chase to learn an important lesson about empathy and good sportsmanship. As one of the better players, he has an opportunity to be a role model and raise other players up rather than tear them down.
Q.
NTA
The reason no one can help Chase, Is because those parents are protecting their kids too. The coach can talk to his mom and tell her that he’s being a dick to all the other kids and see if that fixes it
You need to inform the coach and the mom. This is how kids slip through the cracks.
Mom works two jobs and is trying to do everything- she can’t address what so doesn’t know.
Coach’s main job is to build team skills in these kids- they can’t fix what they don’t know is broken.
NAH- just a kid from a broken family with no one following through on the deeper issues.
I wonder how many parent don’t have the flexibility for the same reason, their kids don’t like Chase either.
Seems to me that the organisation needs to sit Chase down and explain Sportsmanship and negativity to him. At the moment no matter how good he is he won’t be chosen as he’s clearly not a team player.
Mate, why not teach your son to confront the issue Instead of running away from it? The other kid deserves a chance to be told he is screwing it up for himself and the team, and if he and/or his mum takes it in the wrong way or if he keeps doing it, well might be time to cut ties. But it feels that nowadays when someone has a problem they all talk shit behind their backs and ghosts instead of being upfront and give the other person a chance of rectifying their behaviour.
Chase needs to hear from someone why he is losing his chance to get to practice. He might think his sarcastic or belittling comments are cool or funny, but they’re hurtful and damaging and they make the other (nice) kids feel uncomfortable. I think you should tell Chase’s mom the reason so that she can talk to him, or talk to the coach and let the coach have a heart-to-heart with the boy. Somebody needs to talk to him.
I feel for this kid I kinda was this kid, he needs an adult who will make a real difference in his life. That’s not you so why not be honest with the coach or talk to other parents while you happen to be there anyway? At least pass him off with a real reason that way he has a chance to improve his character and enjoy something outside himself.
NTA. Fuck this twat. Who are all these assholes in the comments saying stuff like “show him empathy?” This kids a bully. Maybe it’s just words, but he’s such a dick your son told you about it. He should get kicked off the team. And my fucking god, don’t go snitching to the coach or his mom. That will make your son’s life hell.
Was no one here ever a fucking teenager? That kind of shit , even if no one else likes Chase, is social suicide.
Let this little shit get kicked off the team. It solves the entire problem?
Chase is a POS. Let him suffer.
Clearly Reddit doesn’t believe in the saying ”it takes a village to raise a child”, given how many focus only on the son and to protect him.
I think its a shirt sighted solution. Id rather help my child stand up for themselves and speak up against injustice (cause this isnt that the child is target of bullying but someone having a bad attitude).
I would speak to the coach and the mom and ask for a meeting with both kids and help my own child express whats going on. Then i would say we need to see a change of attitude right away, otherwise we are not comfortable giving him rides with us.
Think its important adults responsible of him gets to know whats going on but also think its important to give at least one chance to correct oneself.
Don’t drive the friend.
You should tell her why no one wants to give her kid a ride. She needs to know her son is a bit of a bully
NTA Your wife is right, if your kid doesn’t want the kid in the car, he shouldn’t have to suffer through it just so you could play hero for the single mom.
You could talk to the kids mom, tell her why your kid and likely all the others don’t want to give him rides. He is being a toxic insufferable brat. He’s well on his way to being a full on bully. No one wants to interact with that. Maybe he needs come counseling after his parents separation, maybe his parents need to tell him that no one wants to be friends with a jerk and that’s why no one else wants to give him rides. She’s not going to be happy to hear it, but after receiving no help with his transport because of his attitude, she may try to talk with him.
“Hey, Chase, you dumbass, I was checking my kid’s phone and saw your messages. Maybe you need to stop talking like you’re the big man when you won’t even make it to practice unless we bring you. Capiche? Good, see you tomorrow.”
Threatening obnoxious tweens is a dying art, but a great skill to have.
I think the little turd should find his own ride if he’s so good. However, if a little razzing in the fellas group chat hurts this bad, the first tackle that rings his bell may shatter him
I can’t help but think this is the pivotal moment in his life where one outcome is bad and one is good. Think about it he already has toxic energy and now if he can’t get out and be part of a team and play, then he’s just going to turn into a giant monster. Or you could all have a learning moment together and talk the three of you about why your son is uncomfortable and why saying things is toxic competitiveness. I think if you just let your son “be uncomfortable“ and the source of his feelings is swept under the rug then he will never learn how to deal with conflict. Plus, you have a chance to be an upstanding male figure in this boys life. You can talk about the ramifications of being toxic. If he is a jerk about it then you have no problem saying OK well we’re not gonna take you anymore. But… Just but… what if you actually teach him how to be a better person and you teach your son how to work through conflict with strength and kindness at the same time. I’ll be honest this kind of feels like a cop out on your part. And it also feels a bit like “do you know who my daddy is?“ is something your son will learn to say when he figures out daddy will save him. I think you can have a teaching moment for everybody. Soft YTA. Maybe give this kid a chance, and a certain amount of time to improve with clear actions he needs to take in order to maintain his place in the carpool. Check in with him, if he starts going sideways, have a conversation about it. I think this could be a really amazing way to teach your son to face what is uncomfortable and ways to manage conflict with a positive outcome. And if the outcome isn’t positive, no one can say they didn’t try.
NTA your child comes first they should feel like your priority and your home and car are a safe space. Honestly the boys behavior is probably why no one else is willing to drive him putting this even more firmly in the not your circus not your Monkees camp.
“I’m not going to be able to take him to practice any more.”
“Oh the reason, yeh his shitry attitude to my son in training, check their group chat”
“Yeh it’s not my problem he cann not get there any more, unfortunately he picked on my son”
NTA but you need to explain to his mom why you’ve made this decision so she can talk to him about his behavior. He also needs to understand that this is the natural consequence from his actions so he can learn from his behavior.
You need to be honest with the mom. She’s overwhelmed so has no idea her son is turning into a bully. She needs to know. HE NEEDS FOR HER TO KNOW. Forward the messages to her. Let her address this behavior with her son. It’s not fair to keep her in the dark. You also need to let the coach know. Chase will learn nothing and not grow toward being a future responsible adult if some adult doesn’t right now intervene with his bullying behavior.
Still refuse to take him because you are respecting Quentin’s request and feelings. Let the mom deal with Chase on her own.
YTA for not making your son address this with maturity.
Its not about refusing to take him along.
YTA for not telling this mom the reasons for your refusal. How can that boy learn social competences, when noone speaks about it?
“… if Chase is going to be that disruptive to the team dynamic well, maybe this is a learning opportunity for him too? …”, but only if those involved, his mother and whoever is coach*, know and care and change things for the better.
*Honestly, coaching a team of kids involves much more than going through the sports routine. Kids in a sports team, thats also about building social skills, character and responsibility.
Both the mother and the child deserve to know why and be given the chance to rectify the situation.
NTA
You state that Chase’s mom is a single parent. My question is where is Chase‘s father? If his father has passed away, then he may be dealing with larger issues. If Chase’s father has not passed away, then he needs to be involved in what his son is doing as well as his mother.
As a single parent, I would be very upset if my son were behaving in a manner like this, and only his mother was being told of his behavior.
That said commend your willingness to help other parents. As a parent of a child involved in several sports and other extracurricular activities the time and travel commitment of kids sports and activities is gotten out of hand. You almost need a parent to be a full-time chauffeur these days.