So my husband (42m) and I (41f) are having a disagreement.
Here’s the situation: he uses a CPAP machine at night. He’s had it for 15 years and never puts it away in the morning. He has decided that it’s my responsibility to take care of it and prevent the children or our pets from touching it. He says it’s unreasonable for him to put it away every morning, even though there are many many things the kids and I use and put away every single day. He insists that other things of his be left where it’s convenient for himself even if it makes life harder for the rest of us (example he will leave his shoes under the kitchen table and tells me that I should just not clean the floor there at all so his shoes don’t get moved) he goes to great lengths to make life easier for himself even if that means putting more difficulty on me and our children.
last night our cat got into our bedroom and chewed on the hose for his CPAP. I didn’t know it till we went to bed and husband freaked out. He demanded to know why I wasn’t watching his CPAP and why I had “let” it get ruined. Then he decided he wants to lock me and the kids out of our bedroom when he leaves for work every morning. I said absolutely not. Our second bathroom is only accessible thru the bedroom, all my own things are in the bedroom and that would leave me with out access to any of my things during the day unless I cleared everything out of my room and the second bathroom (which is also where I keep my makeup and other personal items) which to me seems totally unreasonable
I told him he should put away his CPAP every morning.
He says that it’s unreasonable for him to remember to do such an annoying task and that he shouldn’t have to put anything he owns away
I really feel like he should be responsible for his own things and that it is unreasonable for him to lock me out of my own room.
So am I the asshole?
Comments
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So my husband (42m) and I (41f) are having a disagreement.
Here’s the situation: he uses a CPAP machine at night. He’s had it for 15 years and never puts it away in the morning. He has decided that it’s my responsibility to take care of it and prevent the children or our pets from touching it. He says it’s unreasonable for him to put it away every morning, even though there are many many things the kids and I use and put away every single day. He insists that other things of his be left where it’s convenient for himself even if it makes life harder for the rest of us (example he will leave his shoes under the kitchen table and tells me that I should just not clean the floor there at all so his shoes don’t get moved) he goes to great lengths to make life easier for himself even if that means putting more difficulty on me and our children.
last night our cat got into our bedroom and chewed on the hose for his CPAP. I didn’t know it till we went to bed and husband freaked out. He demanded to know why I wasn’t watching his CPAP and why I had “let” it get ruined. Then he decided he wants to lock me and the kids out of our bedroom when he leaves for work every morning. I said absolutely not. Our second bathroom is only accessible thru the bedroom, all my own things are in the bedroom and that would leave me with out access to any of my things during the day unless I cleared everything out of my room and the second bathroom (which is also where I keep my makeup and other personal items) which to me seems totally unreasonable
I told him he should put away his CPAP every morning.
He says that it’s unreasonable for him to remember to do such an annoying task and that he shouldn’t have to put anything he owns away
I really feel like he should be responsible for his own things and that it is unreasonable for him to lock me out of my own room.
So am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole for telling my husband I will not take care of his medical equipment for him
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your husband is TA, a pig, and selfish. It seems like he needs his own place to live.
What a lazy immature and stupid position your husband has. His device. His responsibility. Time for him to be an adult and take care of his shit
NTA
I hate to be that redditor but what are you getting out of this marriage. What as asshat
NTA. Man, I’m lazy, but I’m not that lazy. Like, who the fuck can’t even be bothered to put their own medical equipment away. It is his equipment, it is not your responsibility.
You’re married to an immature pig of a man. He’s too lazy to do anything meaningful in the house.
I wouldn’t be able to live like that.
The fact that you even have to ask means he has you worn down and I bet there are dozens more examples of how he expects everyone in that house to cater to him and only him.
What are you getting out of this?
NTA
He sounds insufferable and someone who doesn’t understand it’s his responsibility to take care of his own things. Are you sure he is 42 because he is acting like he’s 4. NTA
NTA
>“…all my own things are in the bedroom and that would leave me with out access to any of my things during the day *unless I cleared everything out of my room and the second bathroom**…”*
^^OP maybe it’s time to give him what he wants….
NTA. Your husband is a grown man, and his CPAP is his responsibility. It’s not fair for him to expect you to babysit his stuff while he refuses to do a simple daily task. Locking you and the kids out of the bedroom is just plain selfish and controlling—it’s your space too! He needs to take care of his own things instead of making life harder for everyone else. Buddy, you lock me out of our bedroom, and I can guarantee it will be MY bedroom only PDQ.
Wow, what a catch your hubby is, I can see why you married him!
>He insists that other things of his be left where it’s convenient for himself even if it makes life harder for the rest of us…
He says that it’s unreasonable for him to remember to do such an annoying task and that he shouldn’t have to put anything he owns away
So… this isn’t just about the CPAP. You’ve been his maid for 15 years. He doesn’t have to put anything away, he doesn’t have to take care of his stuff, he doesn’t care if he makes it more difficult for you to clean the floor and won’t even put his frikkin shoes away?
Sorry but this isn’t ok.
Take the cat & children and go somewhere else. You are not valued at all. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything. You will be better off without him.
And you put up with selfish childish inconsiderate lazy ahole? Why?
Get a backbone . YTA to yourself here
NTA, but does your husband have ADHD or similar?
Your kids ae going to grow up and be like him. Or marry someone like him. What are you going to tell them when they complain about their lives?
NTA. Why do people marry people like this. She knew he was an immature selfish turd early on. She thought he would change. News Bulletin…..they will not change. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. It doesn’t matter if you have kids. A turd is a turd.
NTA my husband has a machine and I don’t touch it, he cleans makes sure it’s filled every night and always checks his machine for wear and tear. It’s his and he uses it so he cleans and maintains it. I’m not sure you should stay with your husband he sounds unreasonable and verbally abusive
Jesus. It sounds like your husband needs his own place to live if everyone else is the problem. NTA. He is fully capable of putting away his things, this sounds like consequences of his own carelessness
What a big baby your husband is! As an adult he should take responsibility for his belongings. Imagine thinking you shouldn’t get access to your bedroom just so he didn’t have to out the cpap away! Tell him you need a partner not another child to take care of.
His logic here is hilarious.
It is unreasonable for him to remember to put one thing away everyday.
But it is reasonable for him to remember to lock and unlock a door morning and night.
BTW NTA.
NTA
This man puts his shoes under the table. He’s lazy and he’s a slob.
My partner leaves his CPAP machine out and I don’t have any issue with it. The cat leaves it alone.
My suggestion is you get rid of your husband. The cat has done you a favour.
Makes me think he doesn’t clean his cpap either 😬
Is your husband mentally or physically disabled? Otherwise NTA
Ok who’s cat is it? How many things need to be put away cause the cat will destroy it. I don’t own a pet but if someone brought a pet into my personal room then left it unattended to destroy my property then I would be upset.
NTA but your lazy husband is. It’s HIS device, it’s HIS responsibility.
Lock it up protect it. Make sure he knows it’s protected and give him a huge iron box to keep it it and put a $50 padlock on it.
Gosh. all it took was this post for me to hate your husband on your behalf. Talk about being lazy, deliberately incompetent and insufferable. NTA.
I use a cpap. I don’t put it aways everyday. I use a beach towel to cover it up with every morning. I roll up the hose to make sure it is covered. I forgot one morning and my daughter’s cat chewed my hose. It’s my responsibility no one else’s. NTA husband definitely is. Also very lazy
Not even close to being the asshole. The world doesn’t rotate around your husbands needs. Even in medieval Europe I think he would be pushing the definition!
Go on strike immediately. Don’t do anything for him or any household chores that aren’t essential for the basic care of the children. Tell him you won’t do anything until he stops his primitive behavior.
Once, when I asked my husband to put away his bicycle so the hoursekeeper could easily clean his office, he agreed, but then forgot to do it. I came home from work to the bicycle still in his office. I rolled that bike through the house to the garage (where it belonged) and sat it down carefully in his parking place. He then had to stop his car in the driveway, get out, move the bike, and then park. He did not do it again. Of course, my husband is a reasonable man and not a selfish prick like this guy.
NTA. Your husband is a toxic monster!
Make sure you make copies of the bedroom keys, and hide them for when this happens.
If he does it again, call his parents, or one of his closest friend.
Embarrass him for his childish antics.
If he wants to get mad at you for something petty, might as well have him mad at you for something legit.
Are these real posts? I mean you’re NTA but I’m not sure why you’d put up with this behavior from a grown man.
It’s unreasonable for him to have to put it away, but it’s fine for you to? Yeah, hard NTA.
Don’t CPAPs need to be dry and cleaned every day otherwise they grow bacteria and can kill you?? My significant other uses one he takes care of it solely. At night when he’s setting it back up before I go to bed(I go to sleep before him) he will always turn down my side of the bed so I can climb right in. 🩵
I definitely read that as CRAP machine for the first half of this post 😅
NTA. Not even a little bit. He’s in his forties and can’t clean up after himself? He’s setting a poor example for the kids and being incredibly selfish
YTA – this behavior didn’t just pop up overnight. of course your husband is a lazy bump on a log because you ALLOWED it. get him a chore chart since he struggles soooo greatly
NTA. You’re married to a literal child. That man is looking for a mom, not a wife. Then throwing a temper tantrum and locking you out of your own bedroom? I can’t believe this is the stuff straight women put up with lol. You need a new husband, ma’am. Best of luck.
No! You are married to one
NTA
He can’t remember to put it away, but he can remember to lock the door?
He’s being an asshole, and you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting him use you the way he is.
All he has to do is unhook the hose and put that with the mask in a drawer. Takes 5 seconds at most. Also, a cloth sleeve for the hose keeps the cat from chewing it (ask me how I know).
NTA – no is a complete answer. No need to argue at length. Although in the case of the CPAP, why don’t you shut the door so the cat doesn’t enter and teach the kids not to enter that room without asking? For the rest, you can push his shoes away, if he isn’t happy that’s too bad.
NTA I don’t actively let my kids play with my husbands Warhammer stuff but if it’s out and reachable I don’t guarantee it won’t get touched same applies if I leave my coat somewhere stupid and the cat pisses on it. My fault entirely.
I do agree that he shouldn’t have to put it away since it’s being used 30% of the time (my spouse has one, used nightly, it stays on the nightstand). But I also shouldn’t have to pay a bajillion dollars for groceries. I still do it, because I have to eat.
If the cat is damaging the machine, it needs to be put away. You aren’t his maid. You aren’t a guard dog. And you sure as fuck don’t deserve to be locked out of your own bedroom. It’s abusive even to suggest that. NTA
Your husband is an asshole. My BIL has a Cpap and my sister makes him sleep him on the couch. He’s like 6’6 a big dude and my sister is 5″ 100 lbs and she gets the king bed to herself. My BIL was on the couch and my sister’s cat took a nasty poo and the liter box was close to the couch. He said he woke up choking. 😂Perhaps you should switch husbands or put the cat litter box next to his Cpap feed the cat some wet cat food and let the nature take its course.
NTA, you’re his wife not his mother. His mother should have taught him to take care of his things.
YTA to yourself because from the sound of it, you keep tolerating all of these antics for years and are playing free maid for him. Of course he doesn’t want things to change and take on any responsibility. He never had to. This is what your children will learn are normal dynamics in a relationship. Is this really what you want?
Why do some women put up with this kind of disrespect? Leave his ass. He isn’t worth it. YOUR KIDS DESERVE BETTER.
NTA. Get a basket with a lid. Any stuff he has lying around the house would go into the basket. Sounds like you have little kids so you can make it a game that they throw dad’s stuff into that basket. If you do laundry for him, the unfolded clean clothes should go in there too.
Oh no. Do you both happen to come from a background where women are expected to be subservient to men, their husbands in particular? It’s those kinds of behaviors that have driven young women from faiths that regard them as less than their male counterparts. I’m so sorry, because I don’t believe that men raised with the belief that their wives are their property and treat them as such will ever change. I doubt it’s easy to acknowledge that you were raised incorrectly and with beliefs that harm others and rob them of their autonomy, never mind one’s reluctance to cede that authority when you’ve been programmed to believe that it’s your god given right.
You don’t have to live like that, or allow your children to grow up believing that a wife is a slave to her husband, required to obey his command and expected to accept discipline when they fail. Remember that the rule of thumb came from a husband’s legal right to beat his wife with an object as long as it wasn’t wider than his thumb. I left a man who doused me in water and locked me out of our home overnight during the winter. It was a punishment because I’d burned dinner while trying to care for our son and study for my nursing finals. I later came to understand that part of his intent was to sabotage my attempt at a career, despite our needing the money, because it would have meant that he’d lose control over if I wasn’t fully dependent on him.
Leave before it gets worse. You’re not the asshole, you’re not being unreasonable and you deserve better. So do your children.
Nope you husband is the problem. He is lazy and unreasonable in his expectations. Let me guess you are a SAHM and he goes to work and earns the money so therefore you are supposed to bend to his every whim?
Those poor kids are going to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal. Yikes. He sounds terrible.
You should absolutely clear all of your stuff out of that bedroom and out of that house and somewhere else.
I’m not sure why in the world you’ve put up with this for so long, but let today be the last day.
NTA
The fact you’re asking this proves he’s a complete jerk, needs to control YOU.
If I were you, I’d move all his stuff into another bedroom, if you have a spare bedroom, everything that belongs to him gets thrown in there. Put a lock on that door and give him the key.
If your kids each have their own room, put two of them together and give him the smaller room.
Make a plan and do this while he’s at work.
He can figure out the rest… like a bed, and everything else he may need.
This is all on him.
He’s teaching his kids how to disrespect others to please himself, blame others to avoid responsibility. Is that what you want your kids to learn?
If he’s not taking care of his CPAP, doesn’t that increase his chances of him getting sick…
Why do so many men treat their wives like unpaid nurses the moment they get sick? You married a partner, not a live-in caregiver. If he can’t handle being sick without you catering to his every whim, maybe he should’ve married his mom instead.
NTA Why are upu still married to this man? It must be convience because you can’t possibly still be in love with with him.
Hw many children do you have? Because I think you forgot to count one.
why are you married to the AH?
INFO: would it be the worst thing if your husband weren’t breathing?
I kid, I kid.