I’m 21F, autistic, a uni student close to graduating, and dealing with CPTSD. I was only diagnosed this year, but everything suddenly made sense. I’ve spent most of my life being emotionally abused and neglected—my dad was absent, and my mom had a codependent relationship with me because I was the eldest. She emotionally abused me whenever I didn’t fall in line, and for a long time, I just tolerated it. But not anymore.
Right now, I live with my younger brother (17) and cousin (who works 12-hour shifts and is barely home). My mom and younger siblings are on vacation. My dad no longer lives with us, and he provides no financial or emotional support — it’s my cousin who does. I manage everything in the house — cooking, cleaning, uni, medication (Zoloft), my routines — all while managing autism and CPTSD. My home is my only safe space.
Despite that, my dad decided, without asking, that my grandmother (his mother) should come stay with us. She is emotionally abusive, has no boundaries, constantly criticizes, and has a sharp tongue. Even her own daughter refused to keep her any longer because of how demanding and cruel she can be. She needs regular hospital visits and help with daily tasks — and now my dad expects me and my 17-year-old brother to take care of her. Alone.
So I did what I needed to do: I didn’t let her in. I followed my instincts.
I don’t know if this was the right thing to do or not. I might be the asshole like my parents say for refusing to take care of a helpless ill grandmother. She’s my dad’s mum and the only alive parent he has. I wanted to get outsider’s perspective. Am I the asshole here?
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I’m 21F, autistic, a uni student close to graduating, and dealing with CPTSD. I was only diagnosed this year, but everything suddenly made sense. I’ve spent most of my life being emotionally abused and neglected—my dad was absent, and my mom had a codependent relationship with me because I was the eldest. She emotionally abused me whenever I didn’t fall in line, and for a long time, I just tolerated it. But not anymore.
Right now, I live with my younger brother (17) and cousin brother (who works 12-hour shifts and is barely home). My mom and younger siblings are on vacation. My dad no longer lives with us, and he provides no financial or emotional support — it’s my cousin who does. I manage everything in the house — cooking, cleaning, uni, medication (Zoloft), my routines — all while managing autism and CPTSD. My home is my only safe space.
Despite that, my dad decided, without asking, that my grandmother (his mother) should come stay with us. She is emotionally abusive, has no boundaries, constantly criticizes, and has a sharp tongue. Even her own daughter refused to keep her any longer because of how demanding and cruel she can be. She needs regular hospital visits and help with daily tasks — and now my dad expects me and my 17-year-old brother to take care of her. Alone.
So I did what I needed to do: I didn’t let her in. I followed my instincts.
I don’t know if this was the right thing to do or not. I might be the asshole like my parents say for refusing to take care of a helpless ill grandmother. She’s my dad’s mum and the only alive parent he has. I wanted to get outsider’s perspective. Am I the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole for not listening to my parents who raised me and for not taking care of a helpless grandmother whose my dad’s mom and the only parent he has left
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You prioritized your mental health, which is necessary. Protecting your well-being is not selfish.
As written, NTA. But also, explain the term “cousin brother.”
He no longer lives there so until the person that owns or pays the mortgage on said place is there and says what they want to do you were right I’m not allowing her in. You need to get ahead of this and speak with your mom (I’m assuming she is the one paying the mortgage since you mentioned her being on vacation). Your dad does not get any say in who lives in a house he no longer lives in or how you all spend your time especially if he is the cause of so much pain and heartache.
NTA You set a boundary. That’s an amazing and brave thing to do against family in an unsafe situation and I’m very proud of you. You aren’t just protecting yourself but your brother. I’m sorry you had to do this, it’s not fair.
Stick to what will be best for you. If she has alienated herself from all her family that much she made her own bed. Your dad sounds like he saw an easy out for himself and isn’t considering your wellbeing or your brothers. It does sound like working towards going no-contact with your parents may do some good but that’s for you to decide.
I have been struggling with burnout, CPTSD, and ADHD. I was recently diagnosed with these in my 30s and that feeling of finally have the words for what you’re experiencing and at the same time feeling the grief for your past self is real and valid. I’m so sorry you had to be the one to prioritize yourself in the absence of your parents prioritizing you, you don’t deserve that. This road isn’t easy but there is a path to take and you’re doing great.
You were absolutely right in not letting your bio-grandmother into your place.
Your father, who hasn’t taken an ounce of responsibility in his life, is now trying to pawn off the care of his mother on you guys. Don’t give in. NTA
NTA letting your grandmother in would have allowed your father to abuse you further. Boundaries are valid, and if he wants his mother cared for, he should care for her.
Definitely NTA but also, how did she get to the house, did your dad bring her? Where was/is she living before.
NTA
NTA you set a healthy boundary. your dad volunteered your family to care for her while not even living with you, this is not how things work. and she is no nice helpless old lady, she is an old dragon enjoying to make others miserable. you don’t owe her anything.
NTA
Nta. You don’t owe abusers. You need to do what’s best for your health.
If abusers want to be taken care of when they’re unable to take care of themselves, they should think about that before they abuse the people who could have taken care of them.
NTA
She is not your responsibility.
NTA. Your father is her son, she is her responsiblity, not yours.
NTA and not your responsibility. It’s his mother, let him take care of her. You did the right thing. Look out for your own best self-interest. Kudos for setting up boundaries.
NTA. You’ve got enough on your plate. Protecting your peace is key, especially after everythig you’ve been through.
NTA
If any of that happens again or is still happening, as long as they are not legal residents, I’m fairly sure you would be within your rights to contact the authorities for trespassing, although I also understand there are many reasons not to do so.
If you are in the US, btw, you can contact The Hotline for help with abuse you are experiencing or observing. http://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-890-799-7233) or text START to 88788.
Good luck.
NTA, nobody asked you about helping grandma. Not your problem, let daddy take care of his mother.
Yeah if your dad wants you to do that,
he will need to pay you a lot of money,
per hour.
NTA and I am in awe of how you handled this. I am twice your age and you are already stronger than I am. Keep that door closed, do not let dad or grandma in.
It baffles me that someone would just offer a space in a house where they don’t live or pay for.
NTA. He can take care of her or she should go to a home. The nerve of him.
NTA You have a beautiful shiny spine and used it to keep your home safe. Hugs
Consent is so important in life. To put such a weight on you and expect you to just accept, is entitlement at best.
Good for you for prioritizing yourself. Your father is TA for not even talking to you about it first or even considering the consequences to your own health that you’d have to sacrifice.
You are not TA. Please keep taking care of you.
ABSOLUTELY NTA.
As someone who was a caregiver for a sweet grandparent that I hadn’t actually known very well, absolutely do not lift a single finger.
I had caregiver burnout within a year of being a live-in carer, and he was a content sweetheart.
What she came knocking on your door?
such that you actually had to not let her
into your house?
Oh my!
Bold move!
Excellent move!
Powerful flex!
Level Up.
NTA if your grandmother needs help that bad HER son can step up and give it. Protect yourself and your own needs!
Call adult protective services on your father. They can get supports in place for your grandmother. It is not your place nor your 17 year old cousin’s. Good luck OP!