I (23F) have ongoing issues with my 22 year old brother being treated like a child while I’m expected to act like his second mom. This has been a pattern in our house for years and here’s the most recent example that sums it up.
Last night there were leftovers in tupperware on the stove. My brother wanted to boil pasta so he moved the container to the counter and started boiling water. I asked politely if he could put the leftovers in the fridge. He ignored me. I waited a bit and asked if he heard me. He huffed, grabbed something else and walked toward the fridge. I said again “not that I said can you please put the leftovers in the fridge.” He snapped that he didn’t hear me and I said he could’ve asked me to repeat it. He started shoving the container into an overcrowded fridge without making space, knocking things over. I told him to stop—yeah a little rudely because I was annoyed—and he slammed the tupperware on the counter so hard food spilled out onto the counter and floor. Even more annoyed I told him to clean it up and he said no it was my fault. I had to ask him three more times before he actually cleaned it and even then he left paper towel bits and food residue everywhere so I still had to clean up after him.
When I told our mom the next day she said I was wrong for not teaching him how to properly store leftovers. She yelled at me that of course he got mad because who likes their older sister bossing them around and I had no right to be upset if I’m not showing him how to fix the problem. She said he’ll never learn otherwise. This exact argument happens all the time. A few times a month minimum. He constantly leaves messes. Like I said he didn’t even clean up all the paper towel after the spill. That kind of stuff happens daily. He uses the air fryer for almost every meal and always leaves crumbs in and around it. I tell him every week. He’s been taught how to clean it. Still doesn’t. He leaves hair and water all over the bathroom sink. He’s been told to clean it and still never gets it all. He’s never put away laundry I always do it. He’s never swept or mopped or actually cleaned anything. Yard work? He avoids it and the yard looks awful.
He doesn’t work. I do. I cook clean and keep the house going while he does the bare minimum if that. And anytime I complain or get frustrated I get treated like I’m crazy. My mom yells at me constantly but when it comes to him she either says nothing or speaks super nicely.
Even when she sees him ignoring stuff or doing it wrong she still blames me. Says I can’t expect him to know if he’s never been taught. WERE ALMOST THE EXACT SAME AGE I DON’T UNDERSTAND IF I KNOW WHY…
So yeah. AITA for thinking I shouldn’t have to teach a grown adult how to function like a normal human being?
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I (23F) have ongoing issues with my 22 year old brother being treated like a child while I’m expected to act like his second mom. This has been a pattern in our house for years and here’s the most recent example that sums it up.
Last night there were leftovers in tupperware on the stove. My brother wanted to boil pasta so he moved the container to the counter and started boiling water. I asked politely if he could put the leftovers in the fridge. He ignored me. I waited a bit and asked if he heard me. He huffed, grabbed something else and walked toward the fridge. I said again “not that I said can you please put the leftovers in the fridge.” He snapped that he didn’t hear me and I said he could’ve asked me to repeat it. He started shoving the container into an overcrowded fridge without making space, knocking things over. I told him to stop—yeah a little rudely because I was annoyed—and he slammed the tupperware on the counter so hard food spilled out onto the counter and floor. Even more annoyed I told him to clean it up and he said no it was my fault. I had to ask him three more times before he actually cleaned it and even then he left paper towel bits and food residue everywhere so I still had to clean up after him.
When I told our mom the next day she said I was wrong for not teaching him how to properly store leftovers. She yelled at me that of course he got mad because who likes their older sister bossing them around and I had no right to be upset if I’m not showing him how to fix the problem. She said he’ll never learn otherwise. This exact argument happens all the time. A few times a month minimum. He constantly leaves messes. Like I said he didn’t even clean up all the paper towel after the spill. That kind of stuff happens daily. He uses the air fryer for almost every meal and always leaves crumbs in and around it. I tell him every week. He’s been taught how to clean it. Still doesn’t. He leaves hair and water all over the bathroom sink. He’s been told to clean it and still never gets it all. He’s never put away laundry I always do it. He’s never swept or mopped or actually cleaned anything. Yard work? He avoids it and the yard looks awful.
He doesn’t work. I do. I cook clean and keep the house going while he does the bare minimum if that. And anytime I complain or get frustrated I get treated like I’m crazy. My mom yells at me constantly but when it comes to him she either says nothing or speaks super nicely.
Even when she sees him ignoring stuff or doing it wrong she still blames me. Says I can’t expect him to know if he’s never been taught. WERE ALMOST THE EXACT SAME AGE I DON’T UNDERSTAND IF I KNOW WHY…
So yeah. AITA for thinking I shouldn’t have to teach a grown adult how to function like a normal human being?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother to clean up a mess he made and got frustrated when he didn’t do it properly. I also refused to “teach” him how to do basic adult tasks like storing food or cleaning up after himself, even though my mom insists it’s my responsibility as his older sister. I might be the asshole because I got snappy with him, didn’t explain what to do step-by-step, and let my frustration show instead of being more patient or helpful.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your age, go adult… in your own place as for little bro…
Why is he your problem, treat him like air… step around him, as for his mess… that’s his, not your issue.
Get you mum to read about weaponised incompetence. Your brother and your mum are both AH. Your NTA.
NTA ALL THE WAAY, this is weaponized incompetence lmao. if he really doesnt understand stuff, he could’ve asked and some things are just common sense. you could remind him of some stuff because maybe he’s lacking some brain cells (i.e the dirty sink and laundry) if he refuses to do it, then just do your portion and leave his behind. not your responsibility 🤷♀️, if your mom nags you then explain to her that you had reminded him before.
INFO
Can you move out or ignore the mess?
You are caught up in a dynamic:
you —-> your brother —-> your mother
that is reinforcing itself.
It is unpleasant but it also works for your brother and your mother in an odd little way. Your mom gets a buffer between herself and your brother and tasks completed; your brother gets to absolve himself from the responsibility, remains blameless with your mom and gets to shirk it off to you; you are left holding the bag.
NTA. If possible, you should leave the house and go find an apartment or roommates. Let your mother be his mommy if she wants someone to.
Rest assured, this boy is in for a rude awakening. Mom might put up with it, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a woman in this day and age to deal with that nonsense.
NTA, I really dislike when a family decides to blame other people other than the person actually causing the problem to avoid confrontation. Try to work on moving out and then maybe your mom will see because you won’t be cleaning after him all the time and she will lol
NTA. Wow, this is the second post today, my eldest daughter syndrome has been so activated, hahaha.
All my siblings are boys and we’re all close in age. I have a literal male twin and the expectations of us growing up were so wildly different that I’m pushing 40 and still a little salty about it, haha.
Is moving out an option? I think you won’t feel better until you have your own space to grow and figure your life out as an individual. (Speaking from experience here.) It will also remind your mother that teaching her son how to be a grown-up falls on her, not you.
In the meantime, just let him be. Don’t tell him what to do. Let your mother clean up after him if she won’t demand accountability from him. He’s a person, not a dog who can’t help himself. (And even dogs can be trained.)
NTA move out and let both ahs deal with everything
NTA. Leave and let his mommy deal with raising him. Not your responsibility.
Everyone enables him. Tell your family what house task is yours & his for the week. Let him sink or swim. At the end of the week, it will become apparent who has pulled their weight.
NTA. Just stop engaging with him. Don’t clean up after him either, because that’s clearly what he wants.
NTA. My mother had to train my father on how to do basic stuff around the house because his mother always did it for him. A lot of parents fail their kids by not teaching them how to do things for themselves.
NTA! My brother is 21, and he tidies up after himself, cleans the house and can cook and put his leftovers into the fridge in a timely manner. And he sees that as the absolute bare minimum. You know why? Because my mum raised him to look after his house and therefore the people who live in it. This is just weaponised incompetence, your brother CAN do these things clearly, he’s just still relying on Mummy because he doesn’t want to. What a lazy prick
NTA. Tell your mom that it isn’t your job to parent your brother. That’s her job, and she’s failing her son miserably. Oh, and consider moving out as well.
Don’t do it. Don’t clean up after him. Let your mum do it if she doesn’t want you “bossing him around”.