I’m a 28-year-old man and my boyfriend is 20. We got into a fight about me leaving a chat. He thinks that before I put my phone down for a couple of hours I should tell him I’m shifting my attention, even if we were just texting about something trivial. I said that felt weird and that he should understand the difference between real-time phone etiquette and casual texting.
Was I the asshole?
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I’m a 28-year-old man and my boyfriend is 20. We got into a fight about me leaving a chat. He thinks that before I put my phone down for a couple of hours I should tell him I’m shifting my attention, even if we were just texting about something trivial. I said that felt weird and that he should understand the difference between real-time phone etiquette and casual texting.
Was I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was to inform him that phone talking etiquette is different from texting.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I agree that texting shouldn’t have the same rules of etiquette as in person interactions. To me, that request would even feel mildly invasive/controlling and I’d bristle at it.
YTA. This isn’t something that’s worth fighting over in my opinion, but there should be some courtesy to say “hey I gtg” if you’re going to suddenly stop texting, or at least an explanation after the fact.
NAH
I don’t tell every person I’m texting when I’m going to be “off line” for hours. But I do tell someone if we’ve been actively chatting back and forth (like responding within seconds to each other).
Your boyfriend is telling you what he needs from you. He would like a heads up that you won’t be responding for hours. If you care about him, why not do it? It seems like a pretty simple ask.
NAH- I wouldn’t say you’re TA but I know I appreciate it if my partner is gonna be gone for a while a quick “hey going into class, work, etc talk to you later!” It’s not needed it’s not necessary but it’s nice to know what he’s up to.
NTA, because different people have different communication styles. I will say though that maybe you two could check in about your preferences and expectations and see if you can reach some sort of agreement or compromise. Maybe he has some anxiety around that and you can try to understand what is triggering this. I also will say this, and I’m not judging it, but there’s an age gap there, so maybe some of the things that feel very important to him might not feel relevant to you and vice versa. I don’t think it means that you’re not compatible, but your maturity levels are different. So I think the best way to solve some conflicts is truly through dialogue.
YTA. And a creep. I’m sure there’s a size difference
Obligatory “this age gap is weird and the root of your relationship problems ” comment.. YTA your bf is acting like a 20yo bc he’s a 20yo. If you want someone on your level, date someone your age.
YTA
Aside from the age gap which is weird since you seem to not understand that he’s acting exactly like a 20 year old acts, How hard is it to send a quick text saying something like “Hey I’ve got something I’ve got to do, I’ll text you when I can”
YTA for even making this an issue… Just tell him you’re getting off, it’s genuinely so easy and I don’t understand why people can’t grasp that. The age gap is weird too, 20 to 28 is a big jump. Dude is 2 years out of highschool, how the hell do you want him to act
YTA. You don’t have to announce if you’re going to the bathroom or whatever but hours? Cmon why would you do that.
YTA bc you said that you are “refusing.” If your boyfriend made a request for a heads up when you’ll be not communicating for a while and you’re just refusing instead of workshopping a mutual solution, that’s major asshole behavior.
You’re dating a 20 year old, 20 year olds care about texting. You have to meet him at his level and respect his perspective, otherwise it’s not a healthy dynamic.
If I’m texting someone, I’m fully aware of and okay with the idea that the conversation will pick back up when time and circumstances allow. I’m a person, not an answering service, and vice versa.
The etiquette is different on instant messaging services, imo, where it’s far more rude to walk away for an extended period of time without saying anything. This may honestly be a generational difference, too.
NTA, though you will need to figure out a system with your boyfriend so he doesn’t feel ignored.
YTA, I understand not notifying every person that you chat with, or not doing it every single time you talk to him, but your partner is asking for healthy communication and you’re here thinking “hmmm, you know what? I don’t think so”.
This is generational. The younger you are, the more you are likely to treat a chat conversation as real-time conversation. You’re from a generation that sees it as asynchronous; he’s from a generation that sees it as synchronous/real-time. These expectations aren’t going to change.
From his POV, you are walking away from a telephone conversation with no notice.
NAH, but the expectations need some discussion.
Looks like you got your answer. It’s weird. Rethink it.
YTA… hes much younger than you…. all the reasons explained in other comments
I mean it’s pretty easy to just say hey I’m done with this conversation right now I’ll talk to you later.
But also he is pretty much fresh out of high school.
NTA, I think we have enough obligations to our phones already. It’s a new thing to be expected to respond right away. People need down times. People don’t need to know where you are.
I had a friend get mad at me for not liking one of her instagram pictures. So I just deleted social media because fuck that lol
Maybe if it was for a couple of minutes, you’d be fine, but to put it down for two hours without letting your partner know what’s up? That’s why YTA. It doesn’t take that long to send a text explaining you’ll be off your phone for a couple hours. It’s common courtesy, dude. You don’t have to do it for everyone, but you’d think your boyfriend is a bit more important than “everyone” anyway. He deserves a heads up. Communicate.
NTA, texting about trivial stuff isn’t a live chat.
YTA. Quit dating a barely adult when you’re almost 30 ffs. Second why tf are you letting anyone in a relationship try and control your actions? That’s wrong too. Put the boy in his place about how it’s wrong to try and control your partner’s every move and actions. Then send him back to his mommy. And find someone your own age.
Yta because he’s asking for notice that the conversation ended. It’s common decency. Even if it’s not for you, it’s something he’s asking you for. TTYL isn’t hard.
Yeah. Dude. If you want a relationship at your maturity level. Then. Idk. Try dating someone your own age? A nearly 30yo dating a 20yo ain’t that cute. Kinda creepy tbh. You’re basically 2 different generations and it shows. YTA.
“Brb” and “gtg” are 3 letters. I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, but it’s really not that difficult
YTA
Its not obligatory under normal circumstances to tell someone you are texting that you’re done for a while.
But if you are in the middle of a conversation, text or otherwise, it’s incredibly rude to just leave without letting the other person know. It really doesn’t take much effort to just type “I’m beat, going to bed, now Goodnight.”
YTA minorly if its hours, minutes i’d say is fine. or if the comversation is like, responding within 5-30minutes maybe an hour or few is okay? but still, gtg and brb, even ttyl are just a few letters.
besides..hes 20. hes barely not a child. its a normal age gap (assuming yall havent been dating long. if you met him before 18, im worried.) but you gotta understand the difference in mental age.
Back in the day when we used to actually talk to people on the phone, you wouldn’t just hang up. This is pretty much the same thing if you’re in a real time back and forth. Just saying “need to go, got stuff to do” doesn’t take much.
He seems pathetic and immature. It’s natural that our attention gets diverted. If you completely ignored him and never text him back, that would be different – NTA
I say NAH because if it’s just a couple of hours, then I don’t understand.
But then I remember that I am 37 and maybe it’s a generational thing
But if I’m gonna be gone for hours, like at work where I work 10 hour shifts, or going to bed, then I’d say something.
NAH. How about using an emoji when you want to pause the chat? My daughter and I text more than phone calls because she and I can respond when we have the time, but we end our conversations with specific emojis to let each other know we’re pausing or ending the conversation. I use a blue heart 💙 and she uses a flower 🌻.
YTA- To not say anything that you’re taking a break from or phone or stepping away is rude and bad etiquette all around regardless if its text or not.
These comments are stupid. Given countless other posts I’ve seen on this sub, I highly doubt people would be defending the boyfriend’s behavior if this post was about two 20 yr olds.
NTA. Despite what the majority would probably think, I don’t think you should feel the need to let your bf know every move you make. This sounds like they would also get mad if you don’t reply as fast as they want.
it depends: if you were chatting back and forth is common curtesy to say something, if we are talking about messages diluted in time no, it’s not necessary
Nta. If you’re not anwering, it means you’re away. Logic.
NTA holy moly!!
Life happens, your attention shifts and unless you’re in the middle of an in depth conversation when you can flick a quick “I’ll get back to you later”, you don’t owe someone an update that you’re off to continue living your life away from your phone!
Who has time for that??
Yta for being in denial about dating someone so young
as a person who’s also 28, bro wtf did you expect from a 20yo?!?!
You’re not the ah, but let me tell you it feels rlly bad when you don’t get the attention you deserve, even more if it happens in your relationship, I’m not saying you should tell him everything you do, but at least tell him you’re busy
The age gap is not weird as long as you are both adults when you got together. Consenting adults is all that is necessary.
One last text to saying your leaving now, is just good manners
NTA.
I grew up in the 80s and 90s where we were not in constant contact with people. When cell phones became a thing, I eventually got irritated with the fact people felt they needed to be in constant contact and I have to carry my phone everywhere. Nobody gets to dictate to me how available I am, nor do they get to tell me that I need to let them know.
You know what happened when people couldn’t get ahold of someone in the 80s and 90s? They called back or left a message on the answering machine. I treat text messages like an answering machine. If I want to chat, I will. If I don’t, then I’ll call or reply to a text when I want. People need to adjust their expectations.
Edit: Typos
yta if you stop responding mid talk
If you were mid-conversation, YTA
Is it really that hard if you’re already texting that person to say, okay I’m gonna be off doing xyz for a while ttyl?
It cannot be that hard.
Sah
It’s not that hard to say I’ll be busy text you later.
I do have an anxious attachment style so I thought it was just basic respect when having a conversation and then stopping, but upon reading comments it is not?
NTA. Your BF is acting like a child. That’s because he is a child, a 20yo. This is to be expected.
NAH. I think it’s an age gap thing. Very young adults are used to a different phone etiquette than more mature adults. I think if you care about this person, and they ask you to do a small thing to make them comfortable, why not? Is it that much of a hardship to say “gotta go babe, ttyl”? I don’t think you’re necessarily an AH for refusing, I agree it seems silly and trivial, but I am happy to do small silly things for my beloved. Maybe you just don’t like him that much?
He’s anxious. He was probably abandoned, too – am i right?
When you go silent for longer than normal, his nervous system says “ding ding ding, FEAR. DANGER. I’m going to lose him.” Crazy? Maybe. Anxious? Yes. Controlling? No.
He’s telling you what he needs to feel secure. Is it normal? Probably not. You have to decide if you can stay with someone like this.
But really, how hard is it to say. “Love ya babe, I’ll txt in a few hours”? Especially when you know how much it would mean to your partner.
Edited for spelling*
Get rid of this controlling, demanding baby man. It will never stop and he’ll try to run your life. Very immature reaction from him. Very Tamagochi.
YTA
He’s just acting his age. It’s also common curtsy or at least it is in my relationship to say I’m doing something else, talk to you later.
The age gap is not weird. You are both adults. And it isn’t even 10 years. Wait till I tell you about my 11 year and 12 year age gap relationships…
NAH, but seriously different texting styles.
I don’t think a very small, easy-to-make adjustment in behavior is too much to ask for your SO’s comfort. Avoiding making him feel neglected or ignored should take precedence over your preferred avoidance of ‘feeling weird’.
YTA imo
The 20 year old is acting like a 20 year old. If you want a more mature partner, date in your age bracket.
YTA this is how 20 year olds act, stop dating children edited to fix typo
People complaining about 8 years. Lol. Get a life folks.
In any case, yeah YTA in this case. Who just disappears for hours in the middle of a conversation? If there is something going on where you can’t talk, you let them know. Pretty basic stuff here.
YTA, you want to take advantage of little boys, you also have to deal with little boy tantrums
I am so old. I cannot imagine being expected to text constantly and let someone know if I won’t be texting constantly.
No your not I don’t understand why people think they have a right to get in touch with a person they are dating or even married at all times. I hardly text my husband when I leave the house. Ya he knows where I am going but if he texts me he may or may not hear back no big deal. Trust respect if it’s not there get out of the relationship
“Heading off to do other things.” Seems like a simple way to solve this. No arguments needed.
YTA. It’s something your bf requested, and it’s not hard to do. Why not do it?
NTA, every day I am more and more grateful that texts were 10c on my plan in high school so my friends had to get used to me being a bad texter
YTA for thinking a 20 year old is going to have the same understanding of communication in relationships as you, who has nearly a decade more experience. 20 year old me could and did flip my lid a few times when my texts went ignored for a few hours. 26 year old me doesn’t usually care anymore. It’s part of maturing and becoming a busy adult that he probably didn’t hit yet
NTA
This level of neediness in communication is insufferable. I’m never one to castigate in age gaps, you’re both consenting adults so you do you boo boo. However… consider the source.