I (25F) come from a pretty humble background. I worked my ass off to get through college with minimal loans, unlike my boyfriend (28M) who has massive student debt (like $150k+) from his ”dream school” where he got a degree that barely pays the bills.
We’ve been together for 2 years and things are great except for money issues. I’m a software engineer making decent money ($120k) while he’s a social worker making around $45k. I respect what he does, but his financial choices stress me tf out.
Last month, I received a $50k inheritance from my grandma who passed away. It was unexpected and I immediately thought about investing it or putting it toward a house down payment.
When I told my bf, he got all weird and started dropping hints about how that money could ”help us both.” Then last week, he straight-up suggested I use part of my inheritance to pay off his student loans because ”when we get married it’ll be our debt anyway.”
I laughed thinking he was joking, but he was dead serious. I told him absolutely not - this is my inheritance, and we’re not even engaged. He went off saying I was being selfish and that ”this is what couples do for each other.”
Now he’s barely speaking to me and told his friends I’m a money-hoarder who doesn’t see a future with him. His sister even texted me saying I should ”invest in our relationship” if I really loved him.
My friends are split - half say I’m right to protect my finances, the others say I’m being cold and should help him since we’ve been together for 2 years.
AITA for refusing to use my inheritance to pay off my boyfriend’s student loans?
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God I hate AITA posts where OP OBVIOUSLY knows they’re NTA 🙄🙄🙄
No way should you give him any of that money. I am sure you have family who would be pissed at that idea. You need a new boyfriend or you will have financial issues with him for the rest of your life!
NTA. Your inheritance is yours. And maybe reevaluate whether you do see a future with him.
NO. NO. NO. If you were married for 20 year, maybe. But 2 years ?? NO. NO NO!
That’s definitely not “what couples do for each other”. You need to stand your ground on this regardless of how long you’ve been together. If you were ACTUALLY MARRIED, different story, but you aren’t so… no.
>when we get married it’ll be our debt anyway.
This isn’t even accurate.
It’s his debt. Yes, marital funds will go toward paying it off, but if you divorce, it stays his debt.
Honestly though…y’all aren’t on the same financial page, he thinks his GF should pay off his debts with her inheritance from her grandma, and he is just itching to get married and have you pay off his debt.
Don’t give him money. Please.
And rethink if you want to be with someone like this who takes and takes and feels entitled to your money.
Time to rethink relationship with him & your so call friends who are on his side.
Just invest the money for your future & dont start dating again soon
NTA
Buy a house or flat/apartment with this money (only in your name) and tell him: that’s for our future… that’s something you can invest; not his debts… you are shyly 2 years together and of course you dream about a future with him and want everything going good but this, his demands are ridiculous. If this suggestion (paying off his debts) would come from you – that would be something else but HE talked about money which isn’t his business…
NTA. That’s his debt,not yours. I’ll echo what everyone else is saying, marrying him would be a bad idea. Money will always be an issue for him. You would end up paying for everything.
NTA
You’ve been together for two years, but you aren’t engaged or married. What happens if you pay off X amount of his debt, only for your relationship to end in a few months or a few years? Does he intend to pay you back what you paid off for him? I sincerely doubt that.
He said if you were married it would be your debt. It would not. But also, even if you were married, an inheritance is yours alone as long as you don’t co-mingle it with marital funds. Kept it in an account that is solely yours where he cannot access it. Do not be persuaded by him or any friends or relatives. That’s your money and could help with your own future.
I suggest you really think about this before making huge decisions. His student debt is his. He chose to go to his “dream school” knowing it would have a financial impact. Don’t let it become your burden.
lol u have a delusional social worker bf
NTA. But it’s time to move on. Do you really want to stay with someone who stresses you out and wants you to pay for their poor decision-making?
NO. Do NOT use your inheritance to pay a man’s debt. It’s his responsibility, not yours.
You need to think very hard if someone who goes into $150k worth of debt to do a job that you can with a certificate from community college is really for you.
NTA and RUN.
A boyfriend? That’s a temporary position.
NTA, Don’t do it. It will also help you both if you invest it for returns and also to have some savings to fall back to in hard times. And it will help you both if you can make down payment for a home. But that way, it will still be your money no matter what happens with the relationship.
When you’re married…. sure.
A boyfriend of 2 years? No.
NtA
Don’t. Tell him to invest in the relationship on the same enrgy level. Whatever that might be for you.
Run run run got a degree and works as a social worker this man is taking the easy route though life no goals no target to aim for except your inheritance is his by default on the off chance he proposers and you expect there are far to may people walking the earth like this dump go find sir lancelot invest invest invest your far to young to be taken for a ride
You don’t sound as though you like him very much. You equate the value of a job to the amount of salary it attracts. Therefore although he’s doing a very important job, because it doesn’t pay as well as yours, you don’t really sound as though you “respect what he does”. You believe that his student debt is somehow his fault, like a gambling debt. He’s being a dick because he thinks you’re his passport to getting rid of his student debt. ESH.
he is your boyfriend. he’s not sorting his own shit out. nope. nope. nope. invest that money in a low fee index fund or HISA and forget about it until you want to buy a house.
Selfish is asking you to pay his bills. Tell him to get a PT job.
Nah. You love him, but not that much. You’re doing good for yourself. $150k in student debt…what type of lawyer is he that he needs your inheritance? Make you feel guilty or like a bad woman. You can do better. “Our debt,” just laugh at him next time
Girl you are not even married nor have you been in a relationship long enough to even begin to justify that. Put that money somewhere he can’t get his grubby hands on it. Someone who loved you would not ask that of you. NTA
Don’t pay off his debt. That is your money, the very fact he wants you to pay off his debt is a red flag.
Do not do it!!!!! You are not married. Finances are separate. Never ever pay off anything to someone you are not married to! I am huge on martial finances being joined but only married couples. You need to protect yourself!
NTA. Absolutely NOT. He made colossal mistakes. They have crippled him for life. You are likely never going to be able to marry him due to his financial mismanagement. While social workers are noble, it simply isn’t worth 150k degree. Almost nothing is. Getting engaged to him is signing up for a lifetime of poverty and bad decisions. 2 minutes on Google would have told him this was a bad plan for life. Most degrees never pay for themselves. This is a dramatic turn from when I was young. They were a break even proposition when I was about 20. Now they are a cost item. Someone I know works for the USPS. Makes about 100k a year. This is a modest salary, but they also have a full pension and 401k. They have made the minimum contributions but are on track to have greater than $1m assets cash in 401k and a 40% pension for life in just 4 years time. 😐 They will be under 55. If they stay, it gets better each year. No degree, no debt, no loans. The interest on a 150k loan over 30 years is about 100k. So let’s say that degree starts at a deficit of 250k. You would need to be at 50 with $1m and the pension plus pay the loan to break even with an hourly employee. This almost never happens. Getting an Ivy or other costly degree is a lifetime mistake if your aims are professional.
I notice this pattern on Reddit of people wanting to make marriage moves at boyfriend/girlfriend levels smh definitely NTA and it’s a huge red flag in my opinion.
NTA. I would never ask someone to deal with my debts, let alone my partner unless it was offered first and even then I’d be like…”You need to save that for the future while I pay off my debt.”
Forget that, save your money and invest in yourself, no one else is gonna, and he can’t afford to.
He’s shown his true colours. Listen.
NTA he’d be my ex so fast. There’s no way I could excuse for that level of greed
Thank him for waving the red flag and move on
Boyfriend, not fiancé or husband. Debt is separate right now and from his comment he is expecting to lay that debt at your feet when married. You need to think long and hard about going further with him. NTA.
No. That’s yours and was intended for you only.
USE 👏🏻 THE 👏🏻 SPACE 👏🏻 BAR 👏🏻
“Things are great except for money issues”. This is like having a great house except for it not having a roof on it. You two are financially incompatible. Fortunately you are still young and can find a better match. Sorry, and good luck.
$150k+ in debt but wants you to use part of your $50k inheritance to ‘pay off his student loans’? Pay down or pay off? This doesn’t add up.
NTA but if you give him the money, then you would be big time This is a major red flag Get a pre nup if you marry to safeguard your money
NTA
He’s a gold digger. Run.
I believe you know the answer to your own question. Reframed in another way. If he was so selfless wouldn’t he want you to do what you want with this money?
NTA – as you noted, you’re not even engaged and with the entitlement to your money he’s showing now you might want to consider if this is the best partnership for you.
I don’t blame you , that’s your money to be used for you and your only . Make sure you have it in a separate bank account
Fake
NTA! So your BF is bad with money, short sighted, self-involved, disrespectful, manipulative, and crowd-sources relationship issues? Do you not see all the red flags he’s displaying. I’m sure he has many good traits, but he also is showing you some very toxic traits. Frankly, he’s showing you some very real, very serious deal-breaker behaviors. His myopic focus on what he wants; his taking relationship issues to friends/family, manipulation, and his entitlement are all valid reasons to leave him.
Please don’t give him your inheritance, and if you ever decide to marry him, please make sure you have a prenup.
Lastly, using that money to buy a house is a fantastic way to invest in your future…with or without him.
NTA! So your BF is bad with money, short sighted, self-involved, disrespectful, manipulative, and crowd-sources relationship issues? Do you not see all the red flags he’s displaying. I’m sure he has many good traits, but he also is showing you some very toxic traits. Frankly, he’s showing you some very real, very serious deal-breaker behaviors. His myopic focus on what he wants; his taking relationship issues to friends/family, manipulation, and his entitlement are all valid reasons to leave him.
Please don’t give him your inheritance, and if you ever decide to marry him, please make sure you have a prenup.
Lastly, using that money to buy a house is a fantastic way to invest in your future…with or without him.
Absolutely do not give him ANY of your money. If he doesn’t knock off his bratty behavior, I would be rethinking him entirely. NTA, obviously.
NTA. He’s going to be your ex if he gets your money anyway, so it may as well be you that makes it so.
I mean, a house down payment would be “For both of you” too, right?
He’s the greedy one, but you know that.
NTA
Don’t do it. Just don’t.
And whatever you decide to do with your inheritance make sure it’s 100% yours legally.
You want to use it for a down payment on a house that will be shared ownership? OK, but document legally that you paid x% of the total purchase price and should the house be sold then x% of the sale price is exclusively yours.
Etc, etc, etc. Protect your financial future.
Didn’t even read it. Just the title. Keep your money
OP-you’re not married, you don’t have joint responsibility / authority for each other’s financial affair. His family have no right to intervene and his behaviour is manipulative and calculating. Put money into property, hell even put it into a trust to pay for your wedding if that’s the route you want to go but do not put the money into paying off his debts. That is his responsibility not yours.
Buy the house and tell him IF, you do decide to marry that you can focus on the student loan debt w the understanding that he would owe you your contribution to HIS debt back if you two ever divorced.
BUT, the questions of what to do w the money aside, what does it tell.you that he is bad mouthing you to his friends and family? Calling you a “money hoarder,” as if that’s a bad thing, and having his sister call you to “invest in your relationship.”
Has he invested in the relationship???
How did he determine that this was “the best use of the money.” ??? Did he talk to a financial planner?? Did he talk to a financial planner w you about what to do w YOUR money??
I think you’re getting some real insight into who your BF really is. It’s the small things that speak loudly to who we really are and what our character is…I would break up and focus on yourself and look for someone who can contribute to a future instead of squander any potential for a future.
If he really wants to pay down his debt, he can get another job.
If you end up marrying him (for some unfortunate reason) DO NOT combine your finances. NTA for not wanting to spend your inheritance on your bf’s loan.
150k debt?? Is this normal in USA?
NTA he told you point blanc that you will be his solution for HIS financial problems. He will rack up more debt because he will roll it over to you once you’re married.
You are not compatible financially and you will never be. You are his ATM and meal ticket.
Even if married, inheritances aren’t part of marital assets.
NTA, it’s your money.
I don’t even have to read the body. Title alone is enough for the obvious verdict: nta
It’s not his money. He’s not your husband. Even if he were, he’s still not entitled to it. You’d only play for your husband’s debt as a way to improve your lives together and only after a long discussion.
He sounds entitled. If he’s throwing baby tantrums or sending people after you, rethink your relationship. When people show you who they are: believe them.
Eta: invest what you can afford so you can have that for your future and even retirement.
Eta2: read the body of it. Even more nta. He’s a big greedy baby. Rethink this relationship.
Another Fake AI story.
This “My Friends/Family are split” is a plague on AITA at this point. Every damn AI story ends with this line.
As a man, he picked poorly. ‘Dream college’ and job does not pay bills. I would seriously consider my relationship with such a bum (well sort of)
What the hell is this word spacing in this post? If you’re going to prompt an AI, maybe make sure that it can use spaces like a human being.
You are TA to yourself for dating this fruit loop dingus. Do not move in with him until he has his finances in order. Do not commingle funds with this nitwit.
Do not consolidate his loans with your name. My husband and I kept our separate until they were paid off. If one of us had passed away, the other would not have been responsible for the remaining balance (14K and 5K).
His debt was his choice. Yes, it would affect any household budget. He needs to get another job and aggressively pay down his debt, NOT use you to fund hus lifestyle.
OP and bf are nowhere near on same plane in terms of financial planning. What is the plan for long term in case you get married in future? Cut the losses and dump him. He is right. Eventually the debt will become your common headache. 150k is a massive amount to payoff.
Absolutely 100% NTA
PLEASE don’t let him browbeat you into using ANY of this inheritance, that your grandmother would have wanted to go towards setting YOU and YOUR future up, on reducing HIS debt that he built up because he didn’t work his arse off whilst studying in the way you did.
You aren’t even engaged let alone married, and even if you were engaged I’m not sure I’d advise you to be putting that money towards debts that one partner racked up.
2 years is nothing.
DO NOT LET HIM or your friends pressure you on this. You are right to protect YOUR inheritance and use it to invest in YOUR future.
Perhaps one day, in that future, you will both be married and may even choose to join your finances in which case he will benefit from the inheritance then. But now? NO NO NO NO!
Don’t do it. He can pay his off in 3 years if you’re nice enough to cover his rent.
NTA but you knew that but if post is real I see you’re being gaslit. First money issues are big in a marriage. You are not married and he’s already asking for money. He’s getting friends and family to gang up on you. That’s not right and a sign how arguments will be in future. You were given a preview of this relationship 20 years in future. Hopefully you see that
NTA – as long as you’re not married, it’s YOUR money. And even then, a prenup might be in order, if your financial situation is so different from each other.
In any case, his behaviour is strange, to say the least. Is there a possibility that you’re seen as his meal ticket?
NTA also I highly doubt that is all the debt he has. If you are crazy enough to stay with him then you really need to find out his full debt and insist on a prenuptial agreement.
Please be very careful to keep your money separate. If you buy a house make sure his name is NOT ON IT.
Don’t charge him rent and he should be able to pay down that debt quicker. Also ensures he doesn’t have a claim to the house.
But honestly should probably closely look at why he believes he has a right to your money.
You’ve been together for two years and he hasn’t married you yet? To hell with paying off his bills.
NTA but I think you already know this. Your boyfriend is just trying to guilt you to pay his debt. He knows what he is doing and that is just sleezy. Especially dropping marriage. Then his sister calling you is the icing on the cake. Do not pay his student loans!!!! You need to ask yourself do you really want to put up with a selfish fiscally responsible boyfriend?
Robot
NTA. Your BF is a gold-digger, straight up. You earn ~3 times as much as him, he’s clearly not making a move towards financial stability and a future. He sees you as his golden goose. Just because you’ve been together 2 years doesn’t mean it’s time wasted if you were to break up. Search the Sunken Cost Fallacy. Yes, you’ve been together 2 years, but what is a lifetime of this going to cost you?
Also, his student debt remains exactly that if you were to marry…. his.
You’re young. Invest it, so that you’ll have a great retirement nest egg. Do not give it away or co-mingle it.
Tell him and his sister that he should invest in his future by getting a second job to pay off his student debt
You are a money hoarder that doesn’t see a future with him?
And with no ring, he also doesn’t see much of a future with you.
Such a weird thing to shit talk behind your back thinking that’ll magically change anything.
You aren’t married. You are dating. Protect those finances.
Hes trying to mooch off you.how is it for your future? Whats to stop him leaving after he gets the money
But would you be able to buy a house as he has massive student debts?
YTA this is a phaic post. I have missed it though, been at least a month since I have seen it
It would be 1 thing if ur married. Ur not even engaged. Im guessing with the income disparity. You already pay for most stuff. He chose to go to a dream school and run up a ton of debt to get a degree that doesnt pay well enough to pay for the education he got.
Its your money, not his. He feels entitled to your money when ur nothing other than bf and gf. U could pay his debt off tomorrow and he could be gone the next day. Your family worked hard, saved that and gave it to you. If he and his family insist you give it to him, then expect they will want you to continue to gice whatever u have to him and possibly them(my parents need a new roof, u hsve the money, Why dont u want to help them) i married a family like that. Got divorced over all my money going to her and her family and not being able to save anything. Best thing that ever happened to me and my kids is there mom leaving.
Now I want to see the same post with the genders reversed.
Absolutely not. Protect yourself and your inheritance. He could easily just walk away after you pay off his debts.
My XH wanted to go back to school while we were married. I was all for it – until he asked me to co-sign for his student loan.
I refused. He begged, pleaded, wheeled, cajoled… He eventually got his mom to co-sign, and of course failed the classes.
When we finally did divorce, I took on a lot of debt that I didn’t cause (only because I knew if we split it, he wouldn’t pay his half and the creditors would come after me anyway), BUT NOT THAT STUDENT LOAN AND I’VE NEVER BEEN ON THE HOOK FOR IT.
DO NOT PAY TOWARDS THIS MAN’S DEBTS.
I get you’re young and in love, but finances are one of the leading causes of divorce and for good reason. Listen to your gut, keep this money separate and in your name, and when/if you buy property with it, keep the property in your name: NEVER PUT HIS NAME ON THE MORTGAGE &/OR DEED. (Because he’s being such a pouty jacka$$, I’d go a step further: run a credit check & then lock down your credit. Especially now that you have this inheritance.)
Also, the way you’ve written about him implies that at least part of you recognizes he’s a bad bet: $150K in student loans, and he works as a social worker?! Is he at least involved in some sort of loan forgiveness program, i.e., so many years’ service for so much loan forgiveness? It doesn’t sound like he is, and I can’t imagine he borrowed $150K federally, which means a lot of that is private lending… And student debt and medical debt can’t be discharged with bankruptcy…
What I’m saying is: this man will never be free of this debt, and even when he dies, they’ll be hounding his estate. (True story: my XH’s brother died, and even a year after his death, I was getting calls from loan servicers. My XH, in his grief, had to go to the trouble to get dozens of death certificates – even that wasn’t enough for some creditors. It was quite the hellscape.)
If you really see a future with this man, ask him what he’s doing about that debt. Because I doubt he himself has grappled with what debt that size really means, and right now it means no future where he isn’t actively hobbled by debt: no home ownership, no good foundation for family or children, no vacations, no anything. And you need to think about what that means for you, and how constrained YOUR future will be if you stay with him: you’ll be paying for your life together, and he’ll be paying that debt. Forever.
No, no, no! You don’t owe your bf a cent. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Calling you a money hoarder. Awwwww….cry me a river. He’ll never pay you back. Even if he writes an IOU note. You’ll end up fighting to get the money back. He might even leave you once you pay it. Any friends on his side, tell them to go help him then. Dump him. He’s into himself and looking out for himself.
NTA. Protect that money! That is your future financially stability to build on, not give away to a boyfriend who made bad choices.
NTA – If this guy continues to press you to give him your inheritance you should consider whether he’s the right guy for you in the long term. This is not ok, this is someone who is more than willing to take advantage of you and use you for his own good. “this is what couples do for each other” is emotional leverage against a false premise. Yes, you might be a couple, a girlfriend/boyfriend couple, which is WAY different than a wife/husband couple. And even in a marriage, it’s perfectly reasonable for a wife (or a husband) to have separate, personal assets.
Ask yourself this: If you give in and hand over this large sum of money, and 6 months from now you two break up, is he going to make good on that money and get it back to you ? I’m thinking not. You should push back on his inappropriate request and stand your ground. If you give in now you’ll never benefit from a single dollar of that money given to you by your loving family. This guy and his sister both sound like grifters.
Personally, I think the guy is an asshole for asking this of you. And his sister is an even BIGGER asshole for pushing it (she knows better, you can bet on that).
Please don’t do this. I don’t know about everywhere, but in my state even in marriage an inheritance is not shared under the law. For example even the courts, if deciding assets would allow that money to remain with the spouse who had inherited it.
Find someone who can take care of himself without all the whining and emotional manipulation, or plan to deal with this for a lifetime. Sounds like he wants a Fairy Godmother more than a Girlfriend. Also, “…when we get married…,” as in after you’ve lost years of potential compound interest. Do you have a Dad, Uncle or Brothers who are local? Invite them over to help you move (your boyfriend is much less likely to yammer on about how mean you are while they are around, that way you can pack in peace)? Treat them to take out at your new place and invest the rest of that money for your future.
NTA, drop the dead weight who makes bad life decisions
No, his debt won’t be yours too if you marry. He’s just using you and of course HIS sister and HIS friends are on his side? They’re not going to be on yours are they? Don’t pay them any attention and tell the money grabber to fuck himself. NTA and do not pay for his shit or buy a house with him.
NTA – pay off your debts first. Your boyfriend should be an ex soon. He sounds more of a burden & liability than a solid partner. If you decide to stay with him, only agree to marry him when he’s paid off his debts.
Nope, invest jn a retirement account.
IMy wife received an inheritance of $59,000 some years ago. It was her money. It was spent only on what she decided. I wanted it in her own account so there would be no question as to who’s it was.I disagreed with one expenditure, but she had the final say as it should have been. He has no claim on your inheritance. I don’t know why other people think they should campaign on private issues. NTA.
NTA – If you get married … first off: if! Because you might never get married at all! Lot’s of things might happen. Secondly: all his prior debts wont be your debt as well as soon as you marry. It will still be his debt, as he acquired it prior to your marriage! Only whatever you build after getting married will be considered marital funds, marital wealth, marital debt.
Imagine this: you pay off your BF’s debt, he then leaves you. (People break up – it happens.) You will never get anything back! Also: being together for 2 years does not entitle him for anything! Your BF runs a red-flag factory here. My concern is this: BF makes significantly less money than you. That alone would not be as bad if he wasn’t constantly making bad financial decisions. If he does not make much money, he should be extra responsible with it. Apparently he isn’t. BF asks for your money! If you had decided to support him – fair enough, but him asking for your money? Major red flag here! He then tries to guilt-trip you into giving in, arguing with investment into relationship, if you really loved him, and now giving you the silent treatment …
Honestly: You should break up! You can’t build a future with a person who is irresponsible, entitled and manipulative. (Reconsider those so-called friends calling you cold too.)