i feel like i’m being guilted into something that doesn’t feel fair or emotionally safe.
a family member is dying and i’m being told she doesn’t have much time left and that she really wants to see me. another relative (b) reached out and said it hurt that i didn’t want to visit, and that we “only have so much time” and should show love while we can.
the thing is… i’ve never had a real relationship with my dying cousin (a) and that’s not for lack of trying. for years, she has said some really petty and downright cruel things about me. especially when i first came out to my family. things that stuck with me. i tried to let it go, to give her grace, but it never stopped. even recently, i’ve heard she’s still talking badly about me and meanwhile i’ve never said a word against her personally. i always looked up to her growing up because she seemed like the one family member that had her shit together, so when my other cousin showed me screenshots of her calling me names just because she was asked to not use my deadname, it caught me off guard and really hurt me.
meanwhile, to this day her husband still deadnames me every time i see him. so do her kids. they know my legal name. they just choose not to use it. and to me, that says everything i need to know about how i’m seen in that part of the family.
i explained to my cousin (b) who reached out to me that i didn’t visit because i’ve been overwhelmed and emotionally drained and that i didn’t even get a heads up about the visit beforehand. (they showed up at my door and had their kids knock while they waited in the car)
instead of understanding, i got hit with more guilt. (b) said she’s choosing to forgive and love (a) who is dying while she can, and basically implied i should do the same. but my relationship with her sister is completely different than hers. she knows she’s loved by her sister. i’ve never had that kind of bond. i’ve always been the outsider, the one being judged or talked about and picked apart behind my back.
i even pointed out that this would be like me telling her to go visit her estranged relative (our aunt, someone who deeply hurt her) and if i said “but she’s dying, so just get over it,” she’d be pissed. and rightfully so. it’s not fair to expect me to ignore years of hurt just because time is running out.
i don’t want (a) to suffer. but her being sick doesn’t erase how she made me feel. and i’m not comfortable enough to put myself in a place that makes me anxious just to make other people more comfortable.
so… AITA for not visiting a dying family member who’s never treated me like real family?
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i feel like i’m being guilted into something that doesn’t feel fair or emotionally safe.
a family member is dying and i’m being told she doesn’t have much time left and that she really wants to see me. another relative (b) reached out and said it hurt that i didn’t want to visit, and that we “only have so much time” and should show love while we can.
the thing is… i’ve never had a real relationship with my dying cousin (a) and that’s not for lack of trying. for years, she has said some really petty and downright cruel things about me. especially when i first came out to my family. things that stuck with me. i tried to let it go, to give her grace, but it never stopped. even recently, i’ve heard she’s still talking badly about me and meanwhile i’ve never said a word against her personally. i always looked up to her growing up because she seemed like the one family member that had her shit together, so when my other cousin showed me screenshots of her calling me names just because she was asked to not use my deadname, it caught me off guard and really hurt me.
meanwhile, to this day her husband still deadnames me every time i see him. so do her kids. they know my legal name. they just choose not to use it. and to me, that says everything i need to know about how i’m seen in that part of the family.
i explained to my cousin (b) who reached out to me that i didn’t visit because i’ve been overwhelmed and emotionally drained and that i didn’t even get a heads up about the visit beforehand. (they showed up at my door and had their kids knock while they waited in the car)
instead of understanding, i got hit with more guilt. (b) said she’s choosing to forgive and love (a) who is dying while she can, and basically implied i should do the same. but my relationship with her sister is completely different than hers. she knows she’s loved by her sister. i’ve never had that kind of bond. i’ve always been the outsider, the one being judged or talked about and picked apart behind my back.
i even pointed out that this would be like me telling her to go visit her estranged relative (our aunt, someone who deeply hurt her) and if i said “but she’s dying, so just get over it,” she’d be pissed. and rightfully so. it’s not fair to expect me to ignore years of hurt just because time is running out.
i don’t want (a) to suffer. but her being sick doesn’t erase how she made me feel. and i’m not comfortable enough to put myself in a place that makes me anxious just to make other people more comfortable.
so… AITA for not visiting a dying family member who’s never treated me like real family?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didn’t visit a dying family member after being asked to, and i was honest about why, that our relationship was never good and that i didn’t feel respected or safe. now another family member is saying i should forgive and show love anyway because we’re “running out of time.” i’m wondering if not going makes me the asshole because maybe i’m being too cold or unforgiving in a situation where someone is dying and wants to make amends. i’m conflicted because i know this is upsetting to others, but i feel like my boundaries are valid.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Dying isn’t a blank check for forgiveness, and blood does not equal family. You are under no obligation to see someone who won’t acknowledge you for who you are. For those complaining that she only has so much time left, remind them she had her whole life to act like a decent person to you. She wasted it, and it isn’t on you to salvage whatever time left.
I guess NTA if you don’t go
But you should go
This isn’t a party where you don’t want to deal with someone, she’s dying,
You not there for the person dying as much as the people remaining behind.
NTA, but you may want to reconsider. You will not be able to undo this slight to the family.
If it’s really that big a deal, then simply don’t go. The important thing is that someone is dying. Nobody should be weaving the entire situation around themselves. Let’s face it, not everyone who dies is a good person even by worldly standards. Personally? I don’t know why we embellish the lives of people who die as if they never did anything wrong. Stay home. Don’t try to force yourself to feel something you don’t. The last thing a dying person needs is a bunch of stress and drama and that comes with Old wounds and beef. I don’t know why they’re pressing you so hard to attend. I think it would be better if you didn’t.
NTA. Visiting the dying is for loved ones. That’s not this relationship. Don’t bother.
NTA
Stop discussing this with B. Don’t listen to anything that B has to say about it. Pretending that she is the sole arbiter of how this should be handled is the height of egotism.
NTA. If she wants forgiveness, send a letter and lead by example else you don’t need to go through the formality of a visit to make her feel better.
NTA
Skip it. You don’t want to be fake.
So the dying cousin is “choosing to forgive? She has nothing to forgive you for, she’s the bigot.
Tell them that deadname is gone and goodbye
You owe this person nothing. F you forgive someone, it is on your terms if you’re ready and not because someone tells you to. Just tell them no thank you and block them.
Sometimes family doesn’t know how to deal with loved ones changing into someone else they thought they knew. You have changed your name and probably a lot of what once made you who you are to this person. I’m guessing your cousin didn’t know how to deal with it and is possibly against it. It’s not just adjusting on your end, others have to adjust too, some may not understand it or know how to. The mean comments are probably reactionary combined with some refusal to see you as anyone other than who she has known you to be and loved you for being. It would be in your best best interest to go. You don’t ever get another chance to say goodbye and it’s something you won’t have to regret later. You’re NTA no matter what you choose, just choose wisely here.
If B were reaching out because A wanted to make amends: maybe.
For you to forgive A? Fuck no.
NTA.
Your dying cousin was awful to you when she was healthy. She and her family deadnamed you and hurt you every chance they got. Visiting a dying person is not a summons. You don’t have to. Any apologies from a dying person seems false to me. I have dealt with it personally.
Ignore the cousin who is trying to guilt trip you into visiting. She does not have the experiences that you have had with that horrid person. I think people have a difficult time comprehending that it is perfectly fine to cut toxic people out of your life. NTA
NTA
If the dying cousin really wanted to make amends they could do so by phone. You’re under no obligation to make her feel better when she’s done nothing to receive your grace.
NAH You don’t owe her or her family anything. You do, however, owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself and respect your own boundaries and safeguard your emotional wellbeing.
You don’t need to explain or defend yourself. You are also not obligated to allow your relative to “make amends” just because she is dying. It isn’t your job to make her feel better. If you want to hear what she has to say, go visit. If it will cause you angst and you really want nothing to do with her, then don’t.
relatives who are weighing in: [person] said horrible things to and about me and has refused to speak to me for years. I am fine with the estrangement that [person] fostered. I have no desire to hear anything she has to say to me now. The time for her to make amends was years ago when we could have tried to have a relationship. It isn’t my job to listen to her now so that she can feel better about herself. While you are calling me heartless and being cruel to a dying woman perhaps you should think about how your demands affect me.
Send the dying family member a text and be done with it.
NTA. Sounds like b wants to be able to brag that she mended things with you and a. Having her kids knock on your door was disgustingly manipulative.
My mother was an abusive, toxic, hateful person. I went NC with her about four years before she died. And that includes her showing up to my house, banging on the walls and door, screaming my name, then pumping my roommate for info before declaring that she had cancer and waiting like it was supposed to mean something. I didn’t speak to her then or afterwards, either. I don’t regret it at all.
Being sick or dying doesn’t mean someone deserves your time or energy. It doesn’t erase or negate someone being a shitty person or an abuser.
You don’t owe anyone your time.