I (21 M) am a broke chemistry student who just barely scraped through my first year; every cent from my two part-time jobs is already earmarked for the mountain of driver-licence lessons and exam fees I need to pay, so my fun budget is basically ramen-flavoured air. My mother (45 F) left our house when I was a kid and now lives about 100 km away with her partner; she drives long-haul trucks and peppers me with the occasional “positive-vibes” WhatsApp sticker but otherwise hasn’t paid a cent toward my life in years. My father picked up all the boring but essential parenting—dentist bills, school paperwork, winter coats—and even offered to cover the train ticket in this story, but I said absolutely not because he already bankrolls everything else. Last week my mother texted: “Are you free Sunday? We’re free all day 🙏.” I said sure and asked how I was supposed to get there without spending money I don’t have. She replied “Walking 😂” and then offered to pay the return leg of a ~€30 train ticket while I paid the outbound, adding “We’ll see how we fix it.” I told her that since she’s the parent who moved away, paying the full fare seemed reasonable. She shot back that this was just my “opinion” and we could discuss it later. I (saltily) responded that, in my opinion, a mother raises her kids instead of leaving them “in the shit.” She immediately told me to stop texting because this “wasn’t WhatsApp material” and insisted on an in-person talk. Fine, I said, but only if she picks me up by car or buys the whole ticket, because I’m stretched thin enough. She replied, “Let’s assume the car is inspected by then,” which to me sounded like another non-commitment. A few hours later she unloaded a wall of text: my “energy is giga-negative,” this weekend won’t work, I’m “22 and responsible for myself” (I’m 21, she never remembers), her offer to pay half was generous, accusing me of manipulation shows no respect, etc., topped off with “love you ❤️.” I lost my cool and fired back that she walked out, parenting is her job, she doesn’t even know my age, I work and study full-time while she never finished a degree (the one wellness course she did was funded by Dad back in the day), and calling any complaint “negative energy” is just gaslighting. Not my most zen moment, but it felt deserved after years of bottled-up nonsense. She—and her partner, apparently—replied that they will only speak to me once my “tone improves” and I “take responsibility,” claiming she devoted her life to her kids, put herself through further studies on her own benefits, even ran a business, and that I’m solely accountable for my rude behaviour. In other words, I’m on indefinite timeout until I apologise. Meanwhile Dad quietly repeated his offer to buy the ticket so I could still visit, but I refused because he shouldn’t keep cleaning up after the parent who left. On one hand I did curse at her and dump years of resentment in a single chat; she technically offered half the fare and maybe that’s all a 21-year-old should expect. On the other hand, she’s been absent for most of my life, still can’t be bothered to learn my actual age, and now calls me manipulative for asking the bare minimum—cover the cost of visiting her. So, Reddit, am I the asshole for demanding she pay the whole ticket and going nuclear when she wouldn’t, or is she just dodging responsibility yet again?
AITA for refusing to visit my mom unless she covers my entire train fare?
r/AITAH
Comments
Are you kidding? YTA. Stop playing games with your relationships with others. Either go and visit her with you and your father paying for your fare, or refuse telling her you are angry with her past behavior. You are an adult. Get over your childhood grievances already.
I would literally just block her and her partner, who has ZERO say in any of this. Tell your dad thanks for the offer, but you would not be visiting her if you HAD the ticket at this point.
NTA. If you can’t afford the trip, she will either have to pay or come see you.
She is not entitled to a relationship. That’s up to you now that you sre an adult.
NTA. Sounds like the trash took itself out. If you don’t have the money to visit your mother, then she can come visit or she can pay you to come visit. To send half is just an insult.
You’re not the asshole given her history of absence and lack of support, expecting her to cover the full cost of visiting her is completely reasonable, and your frustration is both understandable and justified.
Nope, NTA, she can come visit you if she wants to see you, otherwise you can’t see her. Her “devoted life to her kids” apparently didn’t tech the manners she wants? Forget that, devoted mothers don’t abandon their children and not know their age. It seems like she needs to feel good about herself and show off one good thing in her life (you) and you’re not playing the part she designed in her head. Keep your ground, if she really wants to see you she’ll make it happen, if not, carry on and good luck with you studies and hug your dad an extra time when you see him next.
Why are you even talking about train fare? If the goal was to see your mom, then who cares who pays for the train ticket? Seems like this was just a weird test.
It appears you have no interest in seeing your mom & clearly y’all have some issues. Maybe you should just say that? Just let her know if she wants to talk to you about anything then she can come visit you.
ESH – doesn’t matter who paid for the ticket. Dad, mom, you … it wouldn’t erase the past
The fact that she doesn’t know your age says everything. If she can’t invest in knowing you, the least she can do is invest €30 in a train ticket
Time to decide how much of your life will be lost to these merry-go-round conversations. Save yourself a weekend and future heartache and put her on silent.
Just don’t engage. The naughty corner works both ways and she will never be the parent you need.
She offered the return fair and likely wouldn’t have paid it in the end.
Ignore your mom. Luckily, it sounds like you have a great dad.
NTA. Send mum a text. To day I am removing toxicity, gaslighting and selfish behaviour from my life! Time for Loving ME and Those who bring positivity and accountability!
*add some weird motivational poster, Use https://inspirobot.me/, you can get some real crazy from that.
Then you block her and use the ticket money form dad for therapy. She doesnt love you as parent and it is time to let her go.
NTA
And, you may be happier without her in your life. I’m not a therapist. I highly suggest you visit one of I know cost is an issue but perhaps your university offers these services to students for free.
Nta if my parents want me to visit they get me to pay for my flights using their card
Omg even if she were to come back today and offer to pay the whole thing, I would not go. It sounds like you would have a miserable time. Save yourself.
NTA … Why would you want to squander a day of your life with this excuse for a bio mom? Work some hours or study instead. NTA
NTA I’m glad you have your dad in your life. Live your best life and focus on him and those who support you.
NTA. She sounds toxic.
Single mum here of two kids in their 20s, not with a lot of money. I’m still giving them petrol money and stuff just to help them. They really appreciate it and everyone’s happy. I can’t imagine a mum who was absent all your life demanding you spend money on her when you’ve said you don’t have any to spare. I can’t understand why she just doesn’t come to visit you, seeing she’s so generous 😜. NTA. Look after your mental health and avoid her gaslighting.
NTA. Spend the day with your dad, if you can.
She is the AH.
NTA. I’m sure you would both like to visit, but just not in the budget.
NTA if she doesn’t pay the full fair then she doesn’t see you, end of story. You simply don’t have the money and that’s not your fault. You’re being responsible with your money and making it stretch, you’re just in a period of your life where money is stretched thin. Usually good parents understand this and usually are in better financial positions and don’t mind paying if it means seeing their child.
You have a lot of negative feelings toward your mom and have some valid reasons for it. It’s not surprising you unleashed some of that. You can try to convey those feelings in a more mature way about how her actions have affected you, but whether she hears what you’re saying is up to her. If her narrative is that she ”devoted her life to her kids” I have my doubts she will hear you.
NTA
The ticket incident just let you decompress after years of neglect
Although I don’t know if you still want a relationship with her because it seem, she doesn’t have contact with reality: “she devoted her life to her kids” but been absent for most of your life? Or she talks about other kids?
NTA. The fact she won’t pay tells you everything you need to know. In fact, I suspect she was not being genuine when she said she would pay the return fare. You are an adult. You don’t owe her anything. Good luck.
NTA if your mom wanna see you she pay or pick you up… I’m 40 if my parents wanted to see me they pay flight ticket (I lived abroad about 6 years)
Everyone nomatter age can be broke and parents nomatter age would understand because they most likely been their themselves at some point in life
If I was you I’d just keep contact at a bare minimum if having any contact at all 🙂
NTA. IF she actually goes NC with you the trash took itself out.
Updateme
YTA. You sound like you are not even trying.
I can’t imagine it would be a good visit for either anyway after this exchange.
NTA Chances are you’ll pay the ticket to get out there, she won’t like your attitude during your visit or we’ll just say “why should I?” And you’ll also be forced to pay it on the way back.
You’re right she is the parent and if she wants to see you in the circumstance, she should absolutely be the one paying for your ticket.
NTA. And I’d be demanding back child support as a condition for future relationship with you and your imaginary future family, but I’m salty because she’s a terrible parent who abandoned you and wants a free pass because narcissistic reasons. She doesn’t deserve you. Go visit your dad instead. ALWAYS be too busy for her in the future, and start sending her “Cats in the Cradle” lyrics on replay every time she tries to pretend to want a relationship.
NTA. She ditched you, can’t even remember your age, and doesn’t want to take ownership of anything that she did. Just cut her off.
Block your mom and her partner, they are not interested in a relationship with you, unless it is on their terms. You are broke and I can appreciate you not wanting your dad to clean up after your mom again. NTA, your dad sounds awesome.
NTA! F her and her partner! Kudos to your dad! You don’t owe her anything!
Just block her. Have a great life.
NTA. You should just ask what exactly will change in your life if they don’t talk to you?
NTA – you can’t afford it. She should come to you but I’m all honesty, why are you even in contact with her?
To quote “Madea” and whoever she got this from: qhen people tell you who they are believe them.
You’re NTA. I think you stood up for yourself, told her what’s on your mind, and from this point forward, I think you’re standing on adult ground with her.
Sounds like you have a great Dad. Make sure he knows you know it.
She should offer to pay or pick up even if you had a job and decent money. You are fully right on that.
How did she commit her life to her kids if she run away left your dad to do everything? She got other kids she actually was a mother to?
NTA
She’s toxic
nta. those “be positive” people are often bullies and hypocrites of first degree
NTA. Spend the day with your Dad.
NTA.
If she really wants to see you, and have a relationship with you, she’s got to do better than “we’ll see”.
“Hi mom.
Devoted your life to what kid(s)?
It certainly wasn’t me.
You left my dad and me when I was XX years old, and haven’t been there physically, emotionally or contributing to raising me in any way since.
I’m a student, working two jobs to get by while dad contributes what he can.
If you really want a relationship with me, other than sending “vibes” on WhatsApp, you need to own up to the fact that you haven’t been there.
You have shown me exactly where I stand on your list of priorities, and as a consequence, I’m not willing to use whatever small monetary surplus I have to travel to meet you for “we’ll see”.
You can claim that I’m giga-negative or whatever you want, but the truth is that this is how you leaving has affected me.
Until you’re willing to own up to any of this, or show me that I’m higher on your list of priorities, you’re on your own.”
Nope…I’d be blocking her number too
Stay with your dad, he’s a good one.
You aren’t the AH. Kids will eventually blow up on parents whose expectations are unrealistic.
But strategy-wise, you need to learn to avoid discussing your opinion of her parenting. Going forward, if she wants you to visit, just say, “Sorry. But I can’t afford it.” The let her offer to pay. If she doesn’t say, “Geeh. I wish I could come. But I don’t have train fare.” If she offers to pay half, “That won’t cover the full fare. So I don’t have half the fare either!”
If she starts to try to guilt you, just say, “Mom. The point is: I don’t have train fare.”
Going forward, identify “the” issue for you. Then stick to that and only that.
She’s toxic, and gaslighting you. You are NTA at all.
I’m 41, and my parents still loan/ gift me money when things are tight.
I’d honestly cut contact and never look back.
NTA. But this is a much bigger issue. i think you know this shouldn’t have been a text conversation. But you’re under no obligation to go visit her at all. But if you ARE willing to go visit her, FFS let your dad keep the peace and pay a $60 ticket!! If i were your dad i would happily pay $60 to avoid this kind of bullshit lol, and more than that!
So just decide if you want ot go or not go, and don’t sit on this “she should pay xyz” thing which is clearly a stand-in for much bigger issues that should be resolved in some other way than arguing about this particular item.
I agree with everyone here. I would avoid the back and forth texting which is probably adding fuel to the fire. You have one decent parent from what you say. Stick with dad. My mother moved to Florida (I live in Philly) before I had kids. We were teachers and our money went to raising them. I actually just waited for my mom to offer to visit us or pay for plane fare to see her grandchildren. She would have let me pay but I decided since she was retired and she and her partner (my dad passed) had 2 houses etc., she could pay (or she could have stayed in Philly to be involved) There was never a formal discussion. She just knew that if she wanted to see us, she could pay. Basically it was how much do you want to see us?
You’re most definitely NTA in anything you texted or told her, period! Frankly, as a Mother and Grandmother (62), I don’t always have the best memory, especially after years of taking a medication that was later determined to cause short-term memory loss, BUT I do know when our 3 children and 6 Grandchildren were born and know how to use a damn calculator.
It’s beyond embarrassing to NOT know your own child’s age! Sure, being “off” by a year isn’t a travesty BUT when you’re attempting to “assert your status and authority” during a disagreement, you better have your facts straight. “Giga-Negative?” What is she… 13? “Negative energy?” What the hell does she actually expect after abandoning her child?
Your egg-donor’s negligence and, bluntly, continued extreme selfishness is unbelievably appalling while her demands that you “somehow” travel to visit her without paying for the full travel costs is just further evidence of her delusions. She almost seems to think that she’s doing you this huge favor by asking YOU to travel to visit HER! WTaF? SHE SHOULD HAVE TRAVELLED TO YOU IF IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HER!
I’m truly sorry that you were hampered by having such an awful egg-donor! I would strongly recommend that you BLOCK this creature and her equally entitled partner! And good for you for turning your generous Father’s offer to pay down! Your egg-donor doesn’t DESERVE a visit from you nor any of your time, thought or effort! Greatest of luck in the rest of your education and future! **You DESERVE so much more from a Parent, thank God that you have ONE!
Just cut her off and tell her shes scum
NTA spend the day with your father. He actually cares about you & your future.
NTA go no contact
NTA.
If you paid for the outbound she would stand you there and refuse to pay for your return. You are under no obligation to go see her. NTA
Nta – I’m 32, and my father lives a 45-minute ferry ride away. He keeps requesting I visit to see the improvements he has made in his house and yet won’t visit me and my children. For me to travel it would require me to drive to the city, pay $30 for parking, catch a $55 ($110 for me and the children) ferry with a 7 year old and a 5 month old then either catch a bus with pram/food/children etc and walk the remaining 10 minutes from the house OR catch a $40 taxi for the 5 minute drive. Alternatively, I could catch a $400 return car ferry and take my car for a day trip (I refuse to stay overnight). My dad doesn’t see a problem with me spending $100s to visit him and gets completely obtuse when I say I’ll visit when he covers the costs of doing so. I say this because it is completely free for him to visit me as due to his age, public travel is covered. He could catch a bus and ferry for free, I could pick him up in town, and he could visit his grandchildren. But he doesn’t. Because he’s lazy and although he’s got money, he wouldn’t cover the costs.
Your mother is the same. They both feel entitled to our time and energy because theyre our parents, but only want children when they feel like it and never actually participated in the hard parts of childrearing, like parenting or supporting their children physically, emotionally and financially. They’re deadbeat parents who want to believe they’re amazing.
not sure where you’re from.
In Germany parents are responsible to finance their child’s education, which of course involves living expenses. Not sure where you live, but maybe it’s similar. In this case, I’d sue her for alimony or whatever it’s called.
at this point you’re a grown adult. If I were you and I had a mom like that, I would just cut her out completely. She wasn’t in your life growing up, so what are you missing? Absolutely nothing. Your dad did a fine job all on his own. Your dad is a great man. Concentrate on that. You’ll be better off..
It’s time to go NC. Shalom you’re loved 💔