I (33F) am a forensic psychologist. I do psychological evaluations for individuals who have been convicted or accused of serious offenses, many of whom are sex offenders or people who’ve committed extremely violent crimes. I assess risk, competency, mental state, etc. It’s meaningful work, but emotionally heavy and sometimes disturbing.

My boyfriend (45M) works in tech and likes to unwind after work with movies. His go-tos are action, horror, and violent crime thrillers. He loves The Purge, John Wick, Texas Chainsaw, that kind of thing. I, on the other hand, cannot watch stuff like that after a day at work. It’s not because I’m squeamish. It’s because I’ve spent all day thinking about real violence and real trauma, and watching fictionalized violence doesn’t help me decompress. It keeps me in that same hypervigilant headspace.

To be clear: I don’t tell him what to watch. If he wants to watch something violent, I always offer to go upstairs and read or watch something else. I want him to enjoy what he enjoys. I just don’t want to join in. But he doesn’t like that solution. He says I’m being “controlling” and “too sensitive,” and that I’m “ruining our time together” by opting out. He also says it’s hypocritical that I can deal with that stuff all day professionally but won’t watch a fictional movie with him.

I’ve offered compromises—comedies, non-violent dramas, documentaries, even true crime that isn’t overly stylized or graphic. But he rolls his eyes and says I “just want to watch boring crap.” Last week, he queued up The Purge after I had already said I needed a break from violent stuff, and when I walked out of the room, he called me “ridiculous” and said I always make things about work.

So now I’m wondering…am I the asshole for not wanting to watch violent TV with him after work and doing my own thing instead?