AITA for “rejecting my mom”
I have a very broken relationship with my mom. She is Bipolar and Borderline with little to management because she ” doesn’t get anything from it’s and she ” only pretends to be better to make other happy”. My siblings also have a bad relationship with her one is completely no contact.
She frequently threatens herself if we don’t do what she says and in our adulthood ( me 34 F , sister 25 F, brothers 27 and 24 m) don’t play into it , once my youngest turned 18 I stopped complying as much because she couldn’t keep threatening to keep them away.
I know it’s a lot of toxic stuff but my question for now is about something that just happened.
I live about 4 hours from my youngest brother. My husband was going to be gone for work but the trip got cancelled. My brother and I worked out a visit plan because he wanted to bring her out ( renting her a car) so she would stop harassing him about a visit. She is going to visit him and then was going to come to me so I wasn’t home alone for a week as I just don’t like to be, but she is still visiting. I sent her my portion a few days ago and I thought she was calling to ask me about it but no this was the conversation.
Mom : ( 56 btw) I don’t want to take up much of your time plus I’m out and the person I am out with is Friend J and Friend J is in the bathroom. I just wanted to call and say that I love you
Me: um…. Okay
Mom: why do you reject me?
Me: what?
Mom : you are the only one who does this , you always reject me
Me: this is just weird
Mom: this is not weird. This is what parents do . None of your siblings except B27 do this just you. It’s normal for parents to do this. All I said was I love you. I have to go bye
Is she right? She calls me randomly like this and it always bothers me. She has called me in the middle of therapy just to say hello. She also trys to get me to talk to her friends and always has. She will call, speak to me for 15-20 minutes and be like “well I’m with such and such and it’s rude for you not to say hello. You’ve been taking up my time while I am with them you have to say hello” and I will straight up hang up the phone now. When I was a child she would wake me up at 2am to talk to random family members I didn’t know and I would get into so much trouble cause I hated it. I know that Isn’t normal but my is my response actually rejection?
Her and this person she was with have an on and off friendship and thought maybe she had gotten into a fight but then it was just ” why are you rejecting me?”. I don’t know AITA?
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AITA for “rejecting my mom”
I have a very broken relationship with my mom. She is Bipolar and Borderline with little to management because she ” doesn’t get anything from it’s and she ” only pretends to be better to make other happy”. My siblings also have a bad relationship with her one is completely no contact.
She frequently threatens herself if we don’t do what she says and in our adulthood ( me 34 F , sister 25 F, brothers 27 and 24 m) don’t play into it , once my youngest turned 18 I stopped complying as much because she couldn’t keep threatening to keep them away.
I know it’s a lot of toxic stuff but my question for now is about something that just happened.
I live about 4 hours from my youngest brother. My husband was going to be gone for work but the trip got cancelled. My brother and I worked out a visit plan because he wanted to bring her out ( renting her a car) so she would stop harassing him about a visit. She is going to visit him and then was going to come to me so I wasn’t home alone for a week as I just don’t like to be, but she is still visiting. I sent her my portion a few days ago and I thought she was calling to ask me about it but no this was the conversation.
Mom : ( 56 btw) I don’t want to take up much of your time plus I’m out and the person I am out with is Friend J and Friend J is in the bathroom. I just wanted to call and say that I love you
Me: um…. Okay
Mom: why do you reject me?
Me: what?
Mom : you are the only one who does this , you always reject me
Me: this is just weird
Mom: this is not weird. This is what parents do . None of your siblings except B27 do this just you. It’s normal for parents to do this. All I said was I love you. I have to go bye
Is she right? She calls me randomly like this and it always bothers me. She has called me in the middle of therapy just to say hello. She also trys to get me to talk to her friends and always has. She will call, speak to me for 15-20 minutes and be like “well I’m with such and such and it’s rude for you not to say hello. You’ve been taking up my time while I am with them you have to say hello” and I will straight up hang up the phone now. When I was a child she would wake me up at 2am to talk to random family members I didn’t know and I would get into so much trouble cause I hated it. I know that Isn’t normal but my is my response actually rejection?
Her and this person she was with have an on and off friendship and thought maybe she had gotten into a fight but then it was just ” why are you rejecting me?”. I don’t know AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I questioned why she was calling and didn’t just respond with ” I love you too”
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You didn’t reject her. You survived a call that was essentially emotional homework disguised as ‘love`
NTA
Your Mum isn’t well and she is behaving in an inappropriate way.
You don’t owe her anything. Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty or manipulate you.
Not the asshole but try to give her the benefit of the doubt if she’s trying
I mean you are not an asshole (NTA) but I really don’t think this is an asshole matter.
Your mother has a significant mental illness that seems to be untreated. She is not able to have any sort of mutually respectful relationship with anyone and she is not willing to stick with treatment.
What I really do not understand, at all, is why you arranged for her to visit you. Also, your post is a bit confusing and I can’t tell if she still thinks she is going to visit you or if she was cancelled during her erratic phone call.
NTA She’s being manipulative. My dad was bipolar and possibly borderline and he did similar things. It’s to give them power in the situation and confuse you about what’s really going on. The only way to win is to not play the game and hope they fixate on someone else, which still sucks. Good luck to you.
My (adopted) kid’s bio parent is bipolar and borderline. I have always given my kid permission to ignore their parents at any time for any reason. It is also necessary for their mental health, at times. If they totally cut their parents off, I would have no issue with it.
I have assured them that they aren’t responsible for their parents’ well-being. It should be the other way around. Even though my kid is an adult now, that doesn’t mean they have to parent their parent. You definitely do not have to parent your parent.
There’s a lot you can’t be free of, but if you can, free yourself from the guilt of obligation to this parent.
NTA. Your mom doesn’t want a relationship, she wants control. Saying “I love you” in the middle of a power play isn’t affection, it’s bait. You’re allowed to have boundaries even if she labels it as rejection.
Nta. My mom has the same diagnosis and the same take on treatment. She would do stuff like that all the time, actively disrupting my life to comfort, console or just assert her authority. When I hit my 30s I had enough, went no contact and never went back. My mental health imporved by leaps and bounds.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder do not get better. Their disorder tends to be very successful for them. There is no incentive. But it is a disaster for family members. The best thing you can do is Gray Rock. Look it up. Works very well for all kinds of narcissists too.
NTA
You’re not rejecting her, your mother has mental health issues and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Definitely suggest you get some counseling as well, it’s very difficult to deal with someone like this, especially as family.
Hopefully she can also get help and proper treatment
I have a freakishly similar experience. My mom is also bipolar/ borderline. Dealing with the ups and downs of the bipolar and the manipulation of the borderline is a very hard combo. You’re not the asshole. Keeping a maintaining boundaries is VERY important with people like this. You cannot back down from a boundary you set. If it’s like I will talk to you these days at these times and then stick to it. Also, you have to realize anything you do will be seen as a personal attack. Most people with these afflictions have a very low self esteem and they think they are the victims in every situation no matter what. I’m sorry this is your experience tho, it’s really hard and it sucks!
NTA. You are not rejecting her. If you decide to go no contact, yes, you are rejecting her, and it would be fine because she is not a positive influence in your life. Her mind tells her things that are not real.
You might consider another way of dealing with her. Tell her you can only talk on, say, Sundays at 11AM, and won’t be answering the phone or texts before then. Block her number. On Sunday at 11, you call her. You will be retraining her to not expect she can call you on whim. If these calls bring you down, move them to just the first of the month.