My husband lost his mom when he was 4.5 years old. She was hit by a drunk driver and died instantly. At the time of her death she was pregnant and my husband’s sibling died too. His dad remarried when he was 6 and a year later my husband was legally adopted by his stepmother. This wasn’t something they discussed with my husband or asked for his feelings on. It was just something that they did and it had the full support of the adult members of his dad’s family who felt that all children needed a mother and that he should be raised by her if something were to happen to his dad.
There was bad blood between his mom and dad’s family even before the two married. He never knew why and still doesn’t. His mom’s family has no idea and neither do cousins on his dad’s side.
The adoption is something my husband always resented and he never bonded with his stepmother. He never called her mom or sought out her comfort or love. He never loved her back either. As a kid he was a runaway a couple of times and when he was on the cusp of turning 17 he left and moved in with a maternal uncle for a few months before moving to his grandparents house. Once he was with them he asked for an adult adoption which they agreed to. His father and stepmother swore they were done with him after this but they always expected him to come crawling back begging for them to forgive him and love him. But he never has. He’s had very minimal contact with them. And only because he’s close to a few cousins on that side.
They weren’t invited to our wedding and were never notified when we started having kids. Our kids don’t even know who they are even though they have seen them at a distance twice.
We recently attended a birthday party for two of his cousins children and his father and stepmother approached me and tried to get me on their side to make y husband talk to them but I shut them down. Then they told me I was denying them a relationship with their grandchildren and that my husband is their son and I should be encouraging the relationship between everybody. I reminded them that legally he isn’t their son anymore and I told my husband they wouldn’t leave me alone. We tried harder to keep our distance because they were pissed but the two would not stop approaching me/us with their anger at my choice of words. So we told his cousin who was hosting that we were leaving and then the cousin kicked them out too. It started a fight between the cousins on my husband’s side and the rest of the family and I was blamed. One of my husband’s paternal aunts used a second Facebook account that she uses for her MLM crap and she told him that I had no right to be so rude to my FIL and MIL and it was insulting to rub his petty choice in their face. My husband blocked her second account and went back to it but even the cousins are getting crap over what I said.
So AITA for saying what I did to them?
Comments
NTA. You’re standing up for your husband’s feelings and decisions, which is what a good spouse should do. Their legal ties don’t change the emotional reality.
NTA. I’m not sure why he made the choice he did, but he’s a grown-ass man, and the choice is his to make.
NTA incredibly presumptuous of them to think you would side against your actual husband in solidarity with people you have no real relationship with.
NTA. AHs never react well to being called out for their assholery. Block them and live your life. Kudos for standing up for your husband, which is what a wife should do.
Silence is the best response to any attempts to contact you. It’s grey rock time.
People like your husband’s sperm donor, and his wife are always so shocked when they are held accountable for their reprehensible actions. They tried to eradicate your husband’s mother from his life and they failed and they need to take the loss and move on.
I’m really glad that your husband has his maternal family to lean on and some of his cousins. I would start putting up boundaries with people and say if they keep reaching out to you, you’re gonna consider it harassment and let the police know. Go nuclear go scorched If people don’t respect your you have to get their attention a different way. the creepy aunt I would report her to her MLM.
NTA I absolutely love that you stood up for your husband so hard. A lot of these stories has the spouse caving in and it’s detrimental to them so good for you.
NTA. BioFIL and StepMIL adopted your husband without his opinion and when he finally left them, they “swore they were done with him after this but always expected him to come crawling back begging for them to forgive him and love him”. This tells that they just want to play happy family and be “wonderful” parents and grandparents without discussing the real problem.
And yeah, they lost the right to have family relations with him the moment they lost parental rights over him. Therefore, they can’t do or demand anything. You did a good job standing up for your husband.
NTA, your husband’s bio dad and his wife did not give your husband a choice when he was a minor. That move is not too different from trying to erase his mom. His bio dad’s family sounds cold, if anything happened to dad, stepmom will have to step up, so adoption is good.
What you said was correct, your husband is not legally their child. Your husband’s paternal aunt is wrong, it is not a petty choice, it has wide ranging legal implications. On a personal level, his bio dad and wife have not reflected on their past behaviour and is not interested in mending their relationship with your husband, rather they want to play grandparents. As your husband have never considered his bio dad’s wife as a parental figure, they are delusional to think she would have any role as a grandparent. And your kids don’t need such toxic “grandparents” in their lives.
NTA
It’s fine to state a fact without lies. Hypocritical parents need to live with consequences of their actions.
Suggest Husband start journal stating chronological truths of his childhood so our kids will know truth.
NTA. You stood up for your husband. You did your best to protect him and his name. That’s all you can do
So…basically, their argument basically boils down to “why arent you letting us, your husbands abusers in his life?”
NTA Op you’re a good partner standing up for your husband
When the truth is rudeness, you know you have hit a nerve….keep speaking your truth.
NTA
>that she uses for her MLM crap
Definitely not the AH, and that the aunt is into an MLM says volumes. You’re standing by your husband. Good for you.
Too much drama.. This is obviously going to happen when you go. There is no fixing this. Stay away and invite cousins separately. You are no longer part of the entire family. Don’t have to your kids or you be part of this mess
Isn’t this a repost of a story from last week that was written from the husband’s perspective?
NTA at all.
Nta
You didn’t really explain what the step mother did to your husband for him to resent her so much? I stand by my husband period but generally allow him to handle any of his family’s issues as he is an adult. It sounds like your husband may need some counseling if his relationship with his primary parents was/is this bad.
You are not the AH. You did what she wrote is supposed to do; you backed your hubs. You are supporting your husband decision. If they can’t accept that, it’s not your fault and it’s not his fault. It’s their fault. They need to grow up.
Not enough info. By your account, your husband had a normal blended family experience, except he rejected it and them. I don’t see why they deserved the treatment he gave them, he sounds cold and lacks empathy.