AITA for reminding my stepson that if he wants “THIS” he needs to do “THAT”?
My stepson (17M) want “THIS” whatever this is. He talks about this all the time. How much he wants it. I, he mom & his dad tell them that if he wants this, he needs to do “THAT”.
He starts doing that, then realizes that doing that will take time & effort. His mom will sometimes offer to pay for some of the way into doing that when applicable. He still wants this and still talks about getting this but doesn’t seem in a hurry to do that to get this.
Why I might be butthole?
When my stepson talking about getting or doing this, I remind him of the that he needs to still do. He then gets upset and tell me that I am making him feel bad for reminding him.
I tell him, if wanted this badly, he should be concentrating on doing that. I also tell him, if he wants me to stop reminding him about that, he should stop talking about this.
Why I might not be butthole?
I want my stepson to have all the this he wants, I just want him to put the effort.
I am reminding him (only when he brings it up first) as a motivation do the thats he needs to do to get the this.
THIS & THAT could be any number of things.
THIS examples: Getting a LEGO set or a car, losing weight, getting a driver’s license.
THAT examples: Saving money, exercising more / eating less, doing his driving classes & tests.
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AITA for reminding my stepson that if he wants “THIS” he needs to do “THAT”?
My stepson (17M) want “THIS” whatever this is. He talks about this all the time. How much he wants it. I, he mom & his dad tell them that if he wants this, he needs to do “THAT”.
He starts doing that, then realizes that doing that will take time & effort. His mom will sometimes offer to pay for some of the way into doing that when applicable. He still wants this and still talks about getting this but doesn’t seem in a hurry to do that to get this.
Why I might be butthole?
When my stepson talking about getting or doing this, I remind him of the that he needs to still do. He then gets upset and tell me that I am making him feel bad for reminding him.
I tell him, if wanted this badly, he should be concentrating on doing that. I also tell him, if he wants me to stop reminding him about that, he should stop talking about this.
Why I might not be butthole?
I want my stepson to have all the this he wants, I just want him to put the effort.
I am reminding him (only when he brings it up first) as a motivation do the thats he needs to do to get the this.
THIS & THAT could be any number of things.
THIS examples: Getting a LEGO set or a car, losing weight, getting a driver’s license.
THAT examples: Saving money, exercising more / eating less, doing his driving classes & tests.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Why I might be butthole?
When my stepson talking about getting or doing this, I remind him of the that he needs to still do.
He then gets upset and tell me that I am making him feel bad for reminding him.
I tell him, if wanted this badly, he should be concentrating on doing that.
I also tell him, if he wants me to stop reminding him about that, he should stop talking about this.
Why I might not be butthole?
I want my stepson to have all the this he wants. I just want him to put the effort.
I am reminding him as a motivation do the that he needs to do that to get the this.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. but maybe mix it up a bit with commiserating comments, a discussion of the cool merits of This and a referral to his father. Then Dad gets to be the bad boy.
Also if he’s not good at tracking, maybe help him start a spreadsheet, graph, list, whatever so he can visualize how close he is to finishing That and getting This.
NTA. Sounds like you’re trying to teach your stepson the important life lesson that life doesn’t just hand everything to us.
As long as you’re on the same page with both bio parents, NTA.
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Well, we both know what you have to do to get that, so there’s no point in complaining to me about it…”
Those are tangible items and physical goals regarding health.
You really shouldn’t mix those up.
And I know that language. Is your stepson disabled in any way?
Because you’re specifically using the first this then that language that is used with behaviorally sensitive children.
At 17 years old it feels really infantizing.
And if he’s actively, have an issues that you’re using for this than that language.
Has he been screened for ADHD or neurodiversity?
Because you can use that language. But that’s like telling someone if you want to buy something, get a job. Yeah that’s cause and effect. But not really in a way that it’s helpful in any way and just in a yeah money’s nice.
I mean it’s not like you’re going to buy him a Lego set if he loses 20 lb and if he’s 17 years old that’s yeah. That’s wrong.
NTA
Kids deserve real talk. Before its too late and they are in their 20s wondering how they didnt just get what they wanted.
But sometimes its also okey to let them dream a bit. Its about balance.
NTA. But sometimes people just want to complain without being reminded the problem is their own fault. Maybe don’t say it EVERY time?
Or maybe find ways to encourage home to do the thats. Yes, it’s his responsibility, but no one likes doing things by themselves. Can you have him help you with some things like dishes or something (doing them TOGETHER) and then you guys can, say, study for the drivers test together?
Or maybe he needs help putting together a budget because he doesn’t know HOW to save?
YTA. If he’s old enough to drive he’s old enough to experience consequences without your “help.”
INFO: Is your stepson complaining that he doesn’t have those things he wants? Ie are the prior discussions you’ve had about the need for him to take certain steps towards those goals not sinking in for some reason?
This post does read a bit… cold and antagonizing. I’m unsure if one or both of you might be neurodivergent? If so that would probably play a big role. Overall it’s unclear whether he’s just living with the reality that he has some things he wants but doesn’t have yet, or if he’s failing to remember or recognize that he has the ownership over the steps involved to earn those things.
NTA, but maybe have a conversation with him about this pattern and ask him what kind of response he does want when he brings up the THIS. Maybe you can just say, “Yes, I know how much you want THIS,” and just leave it there.
Or, offer some kind of constructive help, such as: Him: “I really want that LEGO set.” You: Well, I could use some help with [chore], and I’ll pay you $[x] if you do it.” Or Him: “I can’t wait until I have my license.” You: “Let me know if you want me to quiz you on the material, or if there’s anything else I can do to help.” Etc.
NAH. Stay in your lane. His parents have this covered. To mention it once or twice is fair, but constantly is unnecessary and makes you a pest.
INFO:
‘I tell him, if wanted this badly, he should be concentrating on doing that. I also tell him, if he wants me to stop reminding him about that, he should stop talking about this.’
Why? He’s 17. Why can’t he just talk about what he wants sometimes? At his age, does he really need reminders re what he needs to do? In his shoes I’d find this so irritating. Like, no shit I have to do my driving licences, but why can’t I also just be excited about driving?
From what I’m reading, this would not be motivating, it’d be exhausting.
NTA. Just as actions have consequences, good behavior can bring rewards
Reminding him to look for part-time work to earn for a car? Fine. Reminding him to eat less and exercise more to lose weight? So not fine that it borders on abuse. Reminding anyone to eat less and exercise more has never in the history of human beings done anything except create stress, self loathing and eating disorders. Stop it right now.
Your post is one of those that makes sense until you reveal some little detail like his weight, and then your entire dynamic with him looks completely different.
He’s nearly an adult. If he hasn’t learned yet that getting to point E, requires making it past points A-D, he needs to. NTA
NTA, but keep it positive. When he says, “I want this,” say, “I’m sure you’ll get it.” Every time.
Info:
Is your response “you still need to do THAT”
Or is your response more encouraging “I’m excited for you to have THIS, how is THAT going? “
If every time someone talks about their goals you immediately recenter the work it can be demotivating but inquiries into the work are generally less naggy/shamey ways to get to how progress is going.
I’ve been married for 12 years and met my stepson when he was 11 (so he’s now 23). Never in one million years would I ‘THIS-THAT’ about anything regarding his weight or body. No no no no.
How old is he? How long have you been married to his dad? Is he asking for your input or is he just kinda ‘wishful thinking’ like lots of people at any age do?
Having been in your exact role, I would take several large steps back. You need to be in more of an aunt or trusted adult role in his life, not THE MOM. (I am not saying it’s okay for a bio mother to talk about his weight or body that way, but for a stepmom, it’s really out of line.)
There’s a way to do this that doesn’t push your stepson away.
“I can’t wait until I get my license and can go on a roadtrip with my friends.” “Yeah, that will be cool. Do you want to go on a practice drive with me this weekend?”
“This new Lego set is gonna be sick.” “Can’t wait to see it built. How is your budget looking?”
Weight loss is one I wouldn’t touch with a 10’ pole. He’s at the age where some focused effort would make him a monster in the gym pretty quick. Offer to take him to lift once a week? Set up a good plan with a professional? Get a bench for the household?
Make the (kind) assumption he is doing something. Offer support where you can.
YTA. Your responses are invalidating or come off as nagging or that you in some way don’t want him to have what he wants. Also, it’s very rude and just not the right approach to tell someone who says they want to lose weight to exercise or not eat so much as if it were easy.
You are making light of the real effort he needs to put in and making him feel worse for what is probably some executive dysfunction.
Maybe you need to find some way to actually give motivation and encouragement, not just a reminder of what he knows already. Maybe he just wants to be able to vent about it and commiserate on his struggle.
Try asking questions instead. Like, do you want advice or just space to complain cause I don’t want to nag you. If he says advice, say things like: What do you need to do to accomplish that / get what you want? Are you struggling to get something done? How can I help you get there? Can I do anything to help motivate you? Do you want help coming up with a plan? Etc.