I (17f) lost my dad in a work incident when I was 6. I remember him enough that I always knew I never wanted or would accept a new dad. But when my mom remarried when I was 8 she hoped I would come around and see my stepdad as my new dad. He hoped so too. And three times a year since they got married they ask me to add his last name by hyphenating my last name with his. I always said no. He hasn’t adopted me and I was asked one time and I broke down and cried and said never so that was left alone. But they feel like I could still add his name.
My mom has argued with me that adding his name doesn’t change much but it just shows the respect and love for him that he deserves. I asked why none of my friends with stepparents have to do that and she said it’s different when your parents are alive but dad’s dead, he’s not coming back and she said he would want me to. I don’t believe her on that and I told her as much. She said to forget about how dad would feel about it then and consider how happy it would make my stepdad and her. She used to say it would make life easier for him to take me places without her if we shared a last name even if mine is hyphenated and his isn’t.
My stepdad has asked me a few times if there’s anything he could start doing to make me consider it and I always say no. He told me he’ll never have a daughter of his own and he always wanted one and he considers me his daughter but it hurts to know I don’t feel the same and that I don’t like it when he calls me his daughter. Him and my mom have two boys together. A few times he told me that he hates this idea that dad will always be between us. He said he respects my dad and what he gave him but he’s tired of being compared to dad by me and he knows that’s what I’m doing because otherwise I wouldn’t refuse him.
It still comes up and I’ll be 18 in a few months. My mom said it would never be too late to do this for my stepdad. And she said if not now, it should be something I do while he’s alive. I told her my mind is made up and I’m not willing to work on it. She said I shouldn’t be so stubborn when I’ve had grief therapy, solo therapy with a specialist in blended families and family therapy with them. I told her the therapists always supported me choosing to keep my name. And she said I was also told to not shut my heart down from my stepdad and that by refusing every time I’m asked I am ignoring what one therapist told me.
Then last night mom told me I am stomping on my stepdad and she’s getting tired of it. She said repeatedly refusing is turning into a cruel rejection of him and I said I wouldn’t need to reject if they stopped asking. But mom said I should have accepted years ago and that I’m turning into a daughter neither her or dad would be proud of. I told her she was the cruel one using dad against me. Mom said the truth hurts and I told her she can’t speak for dad. Which made mom get angry and she told me they might never have talked about it but she knew him longer and better than me.
AITA?
Comments
NTA- You can have a good relationship with you stepdad… but that shouldn’t replace your memories and feelings of your own dad.
Have you ever asked why it’s so important to him?
NTA, you should stick with what feels right. I had a similar situation once, just with a school project partner.
NTA – Your mom needs to respect your decision and stop harassing you.
Your choice, and I agree with your decision
You can’t replace your dad and you don’t have to. You don’t have to take someone else’s name.
You don’t have to forget about your dad or be manipulated so disgustingly.
Your grief has nothing to do with this. Your name is your name.
Stay true to yourself, always
Best wishes.
NTA you are allowed the name to honor your dad and it should not be seen as a dishonor to your stepdad if he is truly honorable. Liam Neeson’s wife Natasha Richardson died in a skiing accident. their son, the actor, who has acted with dad, changed his name legally to Michael Richardson in honor of his late mother. If Liam Neeson can handle it without getting pissy, so can your stepdad.
Hi, you are definitely not in the wrong. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it should not be forced upon you. What your Mom has been saying to you is unacceptable and devoid of empathy for you and your grief.
NTA. Respect? How about the respect that should be given to the daughter to keep her names as she likes?
Edit: repeatedly asking over the course of 10 years, after refusing every time, amounts to, in my mind, emotional abuse.
Edit for grammar.
NTA. All your mom is doing is to damage and destroy the relationships of those around her
NTA. They are overstepping by badgering you about this.
NTA- Sending hugs, keep the name, dont be bullied! You got this!
Your mother and her husband are utterly ridiculous. They want a token symbol of a familial relationship that their actions have prevented from growing.
This is your life, and your name, and you have a right to not be forced to accept something just because it’s going to make them happy. And your mother trying to use your dead father to manipulate you is appalling.
NTA
NTA – The reason your heart is shut down to your stepdad is because of their trying to force and bully you over something that you consider non negotiable. All the problems have come from their lack of respect of your feelings and over the years they have caused the alienation.
> He hasn’t adopted me
That pretty much seals the deal right there. NTA
Also, I’d advise anyone against changing their names anymore since the SAVE Act was passed.
https://www.npr.org/2025/04/13/g-s1-59684/save-act-married-women-vote-rights-explained
If you change your name when you marry, don’t lose your birth certificate and marriage license. And if you do lose them, don’t move because some jurisdictions won’t take that marriage license because it doesn’t contain the same information their marriage licenses do and won’t be accepted. Don’t worry, you’ll find out when you try to register in your new location as the poll workers will make that determination depending on how much of a damn they give.
NTA. I hate this! I’m getting ready to become a step mom to 3 amazing teenagers. Their mom passed 5 years ago and I have 2 young adult children with my ex husband. I will be whatever my ‘bonus’ (I hate ‘step’ but unsure if they like bonus, I’ll ask!) kids need me to be but I know I will NEVER replace their mom and would never consider that! They had a mother they loved that passed away and her memory should always be honored however they want to.
It will never mean our blended family is ‘less’ because of this. They need to drop this and move on.
NTA
They need to stop being so focused on it.
>three times a year since they got married they ask me to add his last name by hyphenating my last name with his. I always said no
Your mom and your step-dad have never respected your choice, and your boundaries on this. Three times a year for 9 years?? That’s exhausting. It’s like they are trying to break you. The disrespect for you choice alone would make me never add his name, hyphenated or not.
You do you. You’re 17, almost a legal adult, and you are entitled to have whatever name you choose.
NTA
NTA. It really sounds like they are trying to force you to replace your Dad and that’s just not cool. At all. I think they are being very selfish and unreasonable. Especially since what are they going to do when you get married? Ask you to not change your name to your married name or ask you to hyphenate 3 names so he can still be part of it? How insane. No. No. No. You’re almost 18, they have zero legit reason for this. Zero.
NTA, ask your mother why her and her husbands happiness matter more than yours? She choose to marry him and take his last name. You were asked the first time and you said no, which too anyone else should have been sufficient enough answer. But then they take you to therapy ( grief was good for you I hope) where they pay someone to try and convince you to change how you feel. You didn’t, now comes the hard part, to be direct to both your mom and her husband that if they bring it up again, that not only did your mom loose a husband but she will loose a daughter also, because they won’t accept your boundary. Updateme
NTA
What are your plans when you turn 18? Are you still in contact with paternal side of your family?
Your mother and stepfather are way too concerned about this. Why? What do they get out of this? It sounds very manipulative
NTA
You need to have a trusted adult with you like a grandparent(s), aunt, older cousin, or someone you are close to, have a sit down with your mom and step father.
Ask him, “What is this really about? I’m not taking because you view me as your daughter. Answer honestly.”
I think he’s projecting that perhaps he has other children and is NC with them or is he infertile? Or he’s super insecure about your dad. Something is going and you need a witness to have this conversation just in case things go ugly. Or record the conversation.
Nope. Nope. Nope. My kids (11m and 12f) were 6 and 7 years old when their Daddy, the love of my lifetime, died. While it’s different for me as I have no intention nor any interest in any new relationship (let alone remarrying!) EVER, I would never even dream of asking my kids to take their step’s name. I want them to honor the man who was their birth father and share the same last name I have. I get that it’s not the same situation at all, but there’s no reason why love and respect can’t exist regardless. The constant pushing you has only pushed you away and I’m so sorry they’ve made you feel that way.
NTA. Your Mom and stepdad are being bullies because you won’t just do what they want. They want one family not a blended one and as long as you have your given surname they can’t have that. That is too bad for them and they need to act like adults and not toddlers who got their toys taken away. I’ve been a step kid nearly all my life, but as neither parent had legal custody, name changes weren’t an issue for me.
If it had ever been brought up, I would have felt the same as you. I didn’t have much of a relationship with my Dad after age 6 until I was an adult. We have a great one now. My Mom, that was a whole other kettle of fish. She tried a few times to get me to call her second husband Dad. I flat out refused because I hated him. The last husband I do like and he’s still my “Dad” in my 40’s. Only because he stepped up for me and I wanted to give him that.
Not a single person can tell you how you should feel. They cannot tell you who to love or respect. And if your Mom and stepdad can’t show you the respect of honoring your decision, they don’t deserve any in return. They can’t see past their own wants to what they are doing to any remote possibility of you having a father figure relationship with step dad.
Keep telling them no. They don’t have to like it but if they want you in their lives they need to respect it.
NTA
It never ceases to amaze me how many parents pull this crap.
It never works
I would keep my dad’s last name – and hyphenite my partner’s last name once I’m married. Just to really fuck with em 🤣
I am so sorry op. Nta at all, stand your ground, move out and go lc or even nc if you have too. She is being horribly cruel to all three of you constantly trying to force this. She should never weaponise your dad against you(having lost mine two years ago now I would be heartbroken and furious if anyone tried to do that to me) she is the one hurting your stepdad by not letting this go and therefore constantly getting his hopes up although he is clearly being an ass about this too and she is being so awful to you too. Good luck op. UpdateMe!
NTA. If anything is disrespectful and stomping on feelings, it’s harassing your minor child every couple of months for TEN YEARS to change their last name and erase their connection with their father.
As a female, if you’re in the USA, with the SAVE act now law, I wouldn’t change my last name for love or money.
Tell him no and especially no now because you want to be able to vote and if the SAVE act ever passes you will lose your rights
Nope. Your mom and stepdad are nuts
NTA and no idea why they are trying to force this so hard. My dad also died & I have a wonderful stepdad that I love very much. I definitely view him as a 2nd father…but I would never take his last name and honestly he would never ask. This is just such a weird fixation your mom & stepdad have. To be honest, if they hadn’t tried so hard to force it, you may have developed a closer relationship with stepdad naturally.
I love my Stepdad and ex stepdad, there both very much in my life, I was never asked nor did I consider taking their names (my Dad’s alive but was never much in my life tho)
Didn’t change our relationship, your stepdad is to hung up on tittles instead of actions and it’s his pushing that’s creating that divide.
NTA.
NTA
Your name and your feelings about it. Your Mum and Step-Dad are the assholes for not respecting that and now emotionally blackmailing you with the mention of your Dad not approving.
It’s also so stupid by your Mum and Step-Dad. Taking his name as part of yours isn’t showing him any love or respect if it’s forced and not your choice. Also plenty of kids end up going no contact with parents even though they share a surname! It’s focusing on the superficial on their part and feels a bit like they want it for how they appear to other people and not actually about you.
Sorry, but your mom’s the A-hole in this situation. His last name doesn’t change the relationship you and him have. They are both acting selfish with their request
NTA tell them they are parenting out of ego and not actually taking YOUR feelings under consideration. That no matter what her relationship with your father was, yours was of a loving father and you wish to honor that love. That his and her wants don’t get to trump your NEEDS.
Honestly they should never have pushed this so hard
NTA
Your mom and stepdad are TA. They should drop it
Your mom is the AH for trying to pressure you into taking her husband’s last name. Your stepdad has issues with his self confidence, it is not your problem. NTA, make plans to leave when you turn 18.
YOU aren’t the one comparing your father to your stepfather…your mother and stepfather are.
How you feel about your stepfather has zero to do with a name. You can love him, respect him, honor him as a dad, be happy he’s in your life, be grateful for what he does for you, want him in your life…all without taking or hyphenating his name.
You are in no way rejecting him. You are rejecting his name.
You accepted him into your life…he and your mom are the ones being stubborn about a name.
I would venture to say your relationship with him could be better than it is if they hadn’t pushed so hard early on and over the years. It’s difficult to not resentment build up when you are not heard or respected…especially when it is about something personal to you.
NTA
NTA. Just tell them it is not worth the money. When you will marry you will take your spouses last name.
NTA. Mom and step-dad are just making themselves miserable over this one thing. I’ve never even heard of hyphenated a name for this reason. It’s done in some marriages.
I can see why you’d get tired of this. Hopefully they won’t keep this resentment, but if not, they’re hurting themselves. It’s certainly not your fault.
OMG! What is happening to people forcing relationships and making you feel uncomfortable to make another person happy!! It’s mind blowing!!!
She is making you uncomfortable asking and pressuring you to add his name! If you do it would be for them…they would be happy and you miserable…don’t budge! Love isn’t tied to surnames! And they you drive you away pressuring you like that!!!
I’m sorry OP!
NTA – If they had just focused on building a strong step-father/daughter relationship there would be no issue, and you could have formed a super tight relationship; by respecting the relationship for what it is/was. Them harping on adding his name to yours is strange. There is some sort of control/machismo thing going on with him. Hold true to your feelings and who you are, and don’t let them bully you. Let them know if they can’t drop this they may be ushered out of your life entirely in the very near future.
Best of Luck!
A good and loving parent wouldn’t harass you about this.
Im sorry you lost your dad so young.
NTA
My husband passed while my son was a teenager. When I remarried, I kept my husband’s last name and hyphenated it with my current husband’s name. I did that for two reasons. 1., I still love my deceased husband, and 2., so my son realized I wasn’t cutting him nor his dad’s memory out of my life.
It never crossed my mind for my son to put my current husband’s name on his. That is just ridiculous. Nor have I asked my bonus son to put my name onto his name.
So no, you are definitely not an AH, but unfortunately, your mom and step-dad are.
NTA. Your mom is a manipulator and you could not be blamed if you left and went NC