Hi, me (18F) and my boss (28M) get on well but over the last few weeks he’s been giving me unsolicited health advice.
It began after we both committed to a 4 day water fast for lent . Ever since then, he’s felt very comfortable monitoring my eating habits and commenting on my weight.
During the fast, he made a joke saying “ The first person in the hospital wins” but now I’m not sure if it’s a joke. He’s currently dieting and wanting to lose 40lbs so he’s on a strict fruit and meat diet but I truly don’t care about what I eat and indulge a lot, especially at work (subway)
Every morning he’ll ask what I had for breakfast, and every time I have something to eat/ pick at work (I snack a lot on the cookies/sides) he’ll call me a “fatty” and “i bet you’re amazing at a buffet” I’ve never been too insecure about my weight but the incessant commenting is beginning to make me insecure.
Before I left for my holiday last week he told me “you are speed running getting fat” and that he “can’t wait to see how fat i get after my holiday”.
This alongside telling my other co workers to “watch what i’m eating” is beginning to make me uncomfortable.
I know he’s looking out for me in his own special way but it’s beginning to tear me down. I reported him to one of the owners but feel as though I’ve betrayed him since we’re good friends at work and get along very well.
EDIT: it seems i’m very NTA but to clarify we are very good friends at work and have a jokey relationship which goes back and forth. I feel as though I’ve betrayed him a little and that I can’t take it as good as I dish it.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Hi, me (18F) and my boss (28M) get on well but over the last few weeks he’s been giving me unsolicited health advice.
It began after we both committed to a 4 day water fast for lent . Ever since then, he’s felt very comfortable monitoring my eating habits and commenting on my weight.
During the fast, he made a joke saying “ The first person in the hospital wins” but now I’m not sure if it’s a joke. He’s currently dieting and wanting to lose 40lbs so he’s on a strict fruit and meat diet but I truly don’t care about what I eat and indulge a lot, especially at work (subway)
Every morning he’ll ask what I had for breakfast, and every time I have something to eat/ pick at work (I snack a lot on the cookies/sides) he’ll call me a “fatty” and “i bet you’re amazing at a buffet” I’ve never been too insecure about my weight but the incessant commenting is beginning to make me insecure.
Before I left for my holiday last week he told me “you are speed running getting fat” and that he “can’t wait to see how fat i get after my holiday”.
This alongside telling my other co workers to “watch what i’m eating” is beginning to make me uncomfortable.
I know he’s looking out for me in his own special way but it’s beginning to tear me down. I reported him to one of the owners but feel as though I’ve betrayed him since we’re good friends at work and get along very well.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) Reporting my boss to the shop owner 2.) We’re best friends and he has no idea I’m the one who may have caused him to lose his job.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Totally on him. Even if he thinks y’all cool like this, as your boss he should know better. He crossed lines and its on him.
NTA. Some one who monitors your eating habit and criticizes your weight and diet is not “a good friend.”
NTA, what your describing is simple abuse. You likely not the only one that suffers abusive comments from him.
NTA
>It began after we both committed to a 4 day water fast for lent
Don’t water fast, that’s insane. If you want to lose water weight, you cut carbs. You actually drink more water when doing this or you’ll experience mild flu like symptoms as your body sheds extra water. If you want to be more like Jesus and also lose weight, cut the cookies, not the water.
>Every morning he’ll ask what I had for breakfast, and every time I have something to eat/ pick at work (I snack a lot on the cookies/sides) he’ll call me a “fatty” and “i bet you’re amazing at a buffet” I’ve never been too insecure about my weight but the incessant commenting is beginning to make me insecure. Before I left for my holiday last week he told me “you are speed running getting fat” and that he “can’t wait to see how fat i get after my holiday”.
This is sexual harassment, or at least harassment with a very creepy element. And he’s your boss and a decade older saying this to a girl just out of HS. Needs to be fired. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
NTA. He’s overstepping. Your boss, who is a man 10 years older than you are, is trying to shame your for your eating habits and control your food intake, and comment on your weight and body in your work environment. That is a toxic work environment.
This would be suspect and inappropriate if you were just friends who didn’t also work together, but in this situation where he has power and authority over you as your boss it is beyond the pale.
NTA and I’mma tell you why. Even if it’s a jokey relationship, him giving advice without asking you first is a red flag that he doesn’t see you as an equal and sees himself as superior. He feels like he can do no wrong cause he thinks his gender and his status in your friendship gives him a right to continually do these things. It does not.
I would ask him to stop, if he does not then you’ll know how he truly sees you.
NTA but bordering on ESH
This is entirely inappropriate for any workplace.
HOWEVER you said he is a good friend and that you guys joke with each other all the time.
I think I would have asked him to stop before reporting him to the owners. If he is as good of a friend as you say, I think he would have.
It is entirely possible he wasn’t trying to be hurtful, but to encourage you in his own goofy way. You said he was looking out for you, but it needed to stop before it started.
NTA – And he is not youtr “good friend at work”. A good friend doens’t make you feel bad, or make you feel unsure. It looks as if he’ using you to feel better – in a “OP ate a cookie, I didn’t, thus I’m superior”. And those comments can (and should) be considered harassment.
I think you maybe should’ve discussed it with him first if you are as close as you say. A simple “Hey, can you ease up on the comments” would’ve sufficed. IF the comments continued then going over his head would’ve been a non issue at all.
That said, NTA as you’re well within your rights to escalate. I wouldn’t be surprised if your friendship is soon to be sitting next to the Titanic though
HR will be grateful you reported him before he did much more damage. Even if he wasn’t your boss, he is way over the line at work. But since he is in a position of authority over you it is extra bad.
I see a lot of people posting on reddit with interactions at work that are not about work.
In general, being friendly with people at work without crossing into being friends is wise. Minimizing interactions that include divulging personal information works better.
You need to get comfortable with having these conversations with people. YTA for not bringing this up with him. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
That is weird as fuck. NTA
NTA
He’s clearly crossed a line. Maybe he thinks you have that kind of jokey-relationship, but his own obsession about his own weight is probably warping his perspective.
The only thing that gave me pause before that assessment is I don’t see that you ever asked him to stop, or told him that he’s making you uncomfortable. Normally I wouldn’t say that this is something you need to do, but you said you feel like you may be TA because you’re good work friends. In that case, reporting him to a company owner without ever mentioning to him that you don’t like it seems like it possibly could have been handled better.
But, as a boss, he should know better about that dynamic.
I was a volunteer coach for a college women’s aquatic sports club. I was hyper-aware of never, ever, ever commenting on bodies, diets, etc, especially as a male coach. Not for any or my players, not ever for any opposing players. Ever. Young women have enough issues with unrealistic pressures from society, peers, and media about that. Now, many years later, I’ve seen officials in my sport that I supervise get into trouble with high schools over chatty comments they made that weren’t about bodies, but could possibly be interpreted that way. “Unforced error” is how I referred to it, when I pulled a guy off of games involving that high school girls team.
I was in the not-the-a-hole boat right up until I got to the last paragraph…. You say your good friends at work, and so I would suspect that maybe he wasn’t doing anything with the intent of harassing you or actually hurting you in some way, and yet despite reporting him (which could very realistically come with the consequence of him losing his job) in your post you don’t mention anything about talking to him about this or trying to let him know directly that you feel uncomfortable…. did you even try talking to him about it?
Maybe this is a hot take, but ESH – he’s an a-hole for making comments like that without realizing how harmful they are, but so are you for going straight to throwing him under the bus like that without any attempt to ask him to stop.
Info: Have you told him to stop or made it clear you don’t appreciate those comments?
NTA you are not friends, you are friend-ly, and he’s using your reluctance to get friends in trouble to push your boundaries. HE has betrayed YOU.
A little bit TAH and so is your boss.
In food service, friendships can form easily and boss/mgr/employee lines get really blurred.
He’s TAH for the comments, as a boss, coworker, and friend.
But YOU’RE TAH for telling on him without talking TO him first.
If this diet-thing is a friendship thing, then that’s how it needed to be handled first.
If talking didn’t resolve it and it was carrying into making work uncomfortable and difficult, THEN you go to his boss.
It isn’t advice. He isn’t looking out for you. He’s making unsolicited comments about your body, weight, and eating habits. It isn’t a joke. He isn’t your friend. This is unprofessional, offensive, and contemptuous. And what’s worse he is your manager. Report this to HR now.
Of course you’re NTA. Any form of harassment should be reported, but especially from a superior, regardless of your friendly status with one another. My only other question would be, have you brought it up to him first? If you two have such a good and friendly relationship at work, I would think then you should be able to bring that up to him and have a civil conversation about it. Regardless if you did or didn’t, you’re not the asshole in this situation. I say this as an Accounting Manager in a hotel and having helped a few people from other departments get the encouragement to go to someone higher up or HR to remedy it immediately. Most of the time in those situations, it turned into realizing how many other people were being harassed as well that we were unaware of until HR started their investigation into the manager. You may very well find that he’s making others uncomfortable as well, but they were scared of going to someone too. Just remember, retaliation is actually illegal under the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, so if he tries to retaliate in anyway against you after this, note it down in detail and go to HR right away.