I’m a senior in high school and part of my school’s Colorguard team. For over a year and the last couple of months our coach has been creating what feels like a toxic environment. She yells constantly, mocks us if we cry, calls us “disgusting” for small mistakes, forces us to practice in unsafe conditions, and even accused one of my teammates of being inappropriate with zero proof. She’s admitted she “enjoys” yelling at kids, and a lot of us have had our mental health suffer because of her.
After months of this, our entire team decided to report her. Our parents agreed with us and some even emailed the principal and directors.
The conflict: one of my closest friends on the team (who she’s treated the worst) had a private conversation with her after we reported her. Ever since, he’s been saying we “jumped the gun” and should’ve just talked to her first. We feel like she manipulated him into believing she’s the victim.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. As a senior, I feel like I should be focused on college and my future, not stressed about whether we handled this the wrong way.
So, AITA for reporting her instead of trying to talk to her first
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I’m a senior in high school and part of my school’s Colorguard team. For over a year and the last couple of months our coach has been creating what feels like a toxic environment. She yells constantly, mocks us if we cry, calls us “disgusting” for small mistakes, forces us to practice in unsafe conditions, and even accused one of my teammates of being inappropriate with zero proof. She’s admitted she “enjoys” yelling at kids, and a lot of us have had our mental health suffer because of her.
After months of this, our entire team decided to report her. Our parents agreed with us and some even emailed the principal and directors.
The conflict: one of my closest friends on the team (who she’s treated the worst) had a private conversation with her after we reported her. Ever since, he’s been saying we “jumped the gun” and should’ve just talked to her first. We feel like she manipulated him into believing she’s the victim.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. As a senior, I feel like I should be focused on college and my future, not stressed about whether we handled this the wrong way.
So, AITA for reporting her instead of trying to talk to her first
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because instead of trying to talk things out with my coach first, our whole team immediately reported her to school staff. One of my teammates feels like we “jumped the gun,” and I worry that going straight to reporting instead of addressing it with her directly could make me look unfair or too extreme.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. If she actually changed, the report will be marked as resolved and go nowhere. If she hasn’t changed, the report will get the ball rolling on fixing the issue. And if she changes for your class, but goes back to her old ways next year, your report will show a pattern that can be handled appropriately.
YTA. Those kids deserved that. Snitch.
NTA
Most of the time, talking to someone is the best course of action.
I have never, not even once, found it productive to talk to a coach.
People demonstrate whether it is safe to come to them with concerns by the way that they treat your feelings in other circumstances. Somebody who mocks you for crying is not somebody who will take your concerns seriously if you come to them privately. The only reason she wanted you to come to her privately is so that she could avoid consequences for her behavior, not because that was the “right next step” or anything like that.
She is in the wrong, and she is trying to DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) to take attention off of what she did wrong and make the issue about how you addressed it, in the hope that she can still avoid consequences and make you back down. She has manipulated your friend into taking her side and acting as her flying monkey, possibly by making him feel guilty with the same tactics — and you can see that that is what she would have done if you had come to her privately like he did.
You did the right thing. When an authority figure is behaving inappropriately, you go over their head. NTA.
If the person in authority shouts on kids and humiliates them, this person shouldn’t be working with kids. What could she say, “I had a bad day/month”? If you can’t control your emotions, it’s not the right job for you. NTA
NTA
It is not the job to give constructive criticism and boundary set an adult who is paid to be in that position. None of her behavior was appropriate and the parents should have handled it, not the kids.
This isn’t a kid bring it up with them. That adult should never have acted this way. This type of coaching isn’t supportive, positive, constructive or encouraging.
NTA – If she were a volunteer, speaking with her might be helpful, but as an employee, she shouldn’t be in this position if she can’t communicate effectively. It’s important to document abusive behavior so her history shows a pattern if it continues to happen after you’re no longer there.
Reports and escalation exist because there’s a power imbalance. A high school student doesn’t have equal footing with a coach. If you tried to ‘talk it out’, she could easily twist things, intimidate you, or turn it back on you (which she already seems to have done with your friend).
If she truly hadn’t done anything wrong, an investigation or report wouldn’t hurt her. It would come up clean, and she’d be fine. The fact that she’s insisting you “should’ve just talked to her first” looks less like a concern for fairness and more like an attempt to control the narrative before it reaches people with real authority.
You and your teammates did the right thing by reporting. NTA.
Generally speaking, if someone is your equal, you should try speaking to them first before officially reporting them: this gives them an opportunity to adjust their behavior without escalating the situation unnecessarily. Of course, if you have reasonable concern that they would retaliate against you in some fashion, you can skip this step.
By definition, your coach outranks you. Even if she was the kindest person on the planet, the power differential means that she is in a position to retaliate against you in a number of ways.
Which means, making sure you are protected (either by working with others in your same situation and/or by reporting it to official channels so they can help protect you) is not only not AH-ish, it’s very prudent
NTA. Especially given the environment she created, she gave you every reason to believe she would react poorly to trying to talk to her. And she did! When she was made aware of the issue, she chose to blame the method of communication instead of abjectly apologizing for the content of your complaint.
I get there’s occasionally yelling in sports and related artistic/athletic activities like cheer, marching band and colourguard sometimes. Your coach should have been aware of school guidelines, and been able to pick up on the effects of her coaching strategy before now.
Trying to talk to someone who’s already made you guys cry is probably not going to do a whole lot more than make them yell more, NTA.
As a coach, there are literal trainings not to do the things you* described. Hopefully, you have saved other kids this suffering.
NTA
If it had been a one-time slip, I could see talking to her to see what’s going on, although as an adult in a position of authority she probably wouldn’t/shouldn’t have told you. However, this is repeated behavior. What would you have said if you talked to her? She is showing you who she is, and she is not a nice person who is going to listen to what you have to say and then make changes. More likely she would just make your life harder. You did the right thing by going above her. She should not be working with young people.
NTA. The coach is an adult and should know better. Your comment says she has been reported before, so she knows her behavior is not acceptable. Students should not be bullied by those in position of power, or by other students. Be proud that your team has the courage to stand up to her and report her.
NTA – She got caught and now is back pedaling like most people do when they want to mitigate their punishment for known bad behavior. If you let it go, everyone after you is going to be abused as well. She is obviously taking advantage of this other member and twisting the narrative and if you allow it, that will be it. You all are just whiny seniors making waves for no other reason save you are whiny.
I was part of a color guard crew back in the early 90s. My GF at the time was part of it. She could do it all, wooden rifles, flags and sabers. Me and the other boyfriends and well as some thirsty guys were the floor crew and would pull out the colored mat and setup for them at competitions so I got to see a many color guard crews in action for a good 2 years. We were also part of the practice since getting the mat out fast and not having air bubbles under it was a real thing. Not sure how it happens now in the 2025s, but that is how it was in the 90s.
The coaches never yelled or belittled the girls on the team. The coach even found a way to get the new girl into the routine that was already months in the making and never gave her any grief about it. I still remember it was a Whitney Houston song, “I will always love you” and the new girl started in the middle on a chair holding a wooden rifle and flowers. She would pass off the rifle to captain when the team did their walk onto the mat as the routine started.
Your friend has been hook-winked by an adult. We can do that. 20+ years of social experience allows adults to truly screw with kid’s/teen’s minds and twist reality to better serve us.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to speak to an instructor regarding their inappropriate behavior. A parent can take that role if they feel that there is some chance of improvement, but really, that’s what the school administrators are for.
The treatment that you have reported here is highly unacceptable, and should have been addressed much earlier by administration. Let this be a lesson to you that nobody has the right to belittle you, mock you, yell at you, or place you in physical danger, especially if they are in a position of power. Learn to speak up to the appropriate people, and don’t let yourself be gaslit by your tormentor. Keep good records of each incident, and ideally get a recording of the abuse. Don’t fall for the manipulation tactic called “DARVO” that people like your coach frequently use. They will Deny that there ever was abuse, and Attack you for your accusations. Then they will Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender to the point that the victim starts to think that they have done their tormentor a great wrong by accusing them. This is a classic manipulation tactic, and can be quite convincing to someone who has no understanding of how abusive people work.
Don’t second-guess yourself, you were right to report this person. Stand up for yourself; that is the only way to get people like this to leave you alone.
NTA. This was a completely appropriate course of action.
NTA – It isn’t your job as a high school student to manage the feelings of your teachers. She knows what she did was wrong. It’s good that you reported her. You shouldn’t need to talk to your teacher about being a respectful adult.
Do not second guess yourself, you and your teammates did the right thing. The coach is trying to cover their butt by saying you all should’ve talked to her first. She got caught after years of abusing students. Trust your gut and instincts, you did the right thing. I’m so sorry you’ve all been abused by this crappy coach.
NTA. you are a child and an adult was mistreating you and others. it is not your job to handle that type of situation and you did the right thing by reporting it to trusted adults.
Do we even need to say AITA? Every adult here knows what happened: the toxic coach got in your friend’s head and made it seem like you were unreasonable. The toxic coach is trying to control the narrative and trying to control the group. Your group broke the script and now she’s scrambling.
NTA she showed you how she would have reacted if you had gone to her first. If that was the correct course of action your parents would have suggested as such as opposed to being behind yall reporting. Speaking to her only would have shown her she still has some form of power over you, she doesn’t, reporting was the correct course of action. If you saw another student beating someone up, would you go up and talk to them or get a faculty member?
There an expression, a platitude really.
Once An Accident, Twice A Coincidence, Three Times A Pattern
Your coach has a behavioral attitude problem pattern. You dealt with it appropriately. She would’ve never listened to you otherwise with the examples of how your team was demeaned.
I hope it gets better, but people like this are very manipulative and delusional in their own grandeur. Good luck.
NTA – your coach is regretting acting like an AH for however long this has been going on
NTA
She’s trying to blame the victim. That’s not cool. Don’t worry about it. That coach seems like she shouldn’t be working with kids.
You all did the right thing. Coach is now concerned about his actions finally having consequences.
No, you handled it correctly. Assuming you are describing her behavior correctly, she is being abusive. Mocking you all, name calling, and most of all the unsafe conditions are abusive. What are these unsafe conditions?
NTA, you’re never wrong for speaking up. She doesn’t deserve a second chance or a heads up or even a private conversation with you. You’re her victims. Of course she’ll paint herself as a victim. That’s what narcissists do. They’re dangerous people to be around and she clearly shouldn’t be allowed around kids. Record the next practice for proof.
NTA, “enjoys yelling at kids” tells you everything.