I (19F) have a stepmom. let’s call her Sheila. She’s not mean, we get along fine, and honestly, she can be really nice. We’ve had good moments. But deep down, I still resent her. And not in the usual “evil stepmom” kind of way.
Before I was born, Sheila and my dad were together in their early 20s. I don’t know the full story, but it was abusive. Bad enough that Sheila literally ran away to Florida to escape him and cut contact completely.
Fast forward to when I was in 6th grade. I was with my grandma (who practically raised me), and we randomly ran into Sheila at a store. I didn’t know who she was, but she told my grandma that she had just seen my dad a few days earlier, and they’d exchanged numbers. She asked if she should reach out. My grandma told her not to since my dad was already dating someone else.
Well, a few weeks later, I met Sheila for the first time, and shortly after, she was living with us. Eventually, we moved into her house about 30 minutes away from where I grew up. After that, whenever they fought (which was often), she’d kick us out. I got kicked out of the house with my dad twice, and one time she just kicked him out and let me stay, but it was super uncomfortable. Each time she kicked him out, she also filed a restraining order on him.
Here’s why I resent her: she knew who he was. She experienced his abuse firsthand. She had already escaped him once. But she still chose to get back with him, and by doing that, she brought all that chaos back. not just into her life, but into mine. I was still a kid. I didn’t choose this. But I’ve had to deal with cops at the house, screaming matches, being kicked out, instability. all because she decided to give him another chance.
I know abusive relationships are complicated. I know manipulation is real. But this wasn’t the first time. This wasn’t someone who didn’t know better. She knew exactly who he was—years before I was even born. And now I’m the one dealing with the consequences of her decision to come back.
She’s nice to me, yeah. But I can’t pretend like that makes it okay. I feel like my life would’ve been so different if she had just walked away that day in the store. And I hate that I think that.
AITA for resenting her, even though she never directly hurt me?
EDIT: just want to clear something up, because a lot of the responses are saying I’m “blaming the abused instead of the abuser,” and that’s not what I’m trying to do at all. To be 100% clear: I do hold my father responsible for everything he’s done. He is absolutely the root cause of the abuse and chaos. I’m not excusing him in any way. I’ve lived with him. I know how bad he is, and I’ve never once seen him as anything other than the main source of the problem. That said, this post wasn’t about him. This was about my feelings toward my stepmom specifically, someone who re-entered his life (and mine) after already having firsthand experience of what he’s capable of. She’s not the abuser, but her choices did have serious consequences for me, as a child caught in the middle.
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I (19F) have a stepmom. let’s call her Sheila. She’s not mean, we get along fine, and honestly, she can be really nice. We’ve had good moments. But deep down, I still resent her. And not in the usual “evil stepmom” kind of way.
Before I was born, Sheila and my dad were together in their early 20s. I don’t know the full story, but it was abusive. Bad enough that Sheila literally ran away to Florida to escape him and cut contact completely.
Fast forward to when I was in 6th grade. I was with my grandma (who practically raised me), and we randomly ran into Sheila at a store. I didn’t know who she was, but she told my grandma that she had just seen my dad a few days earlier, and they’d exchanged numbers. She asked if she should reach out. My grandma told her not to since my dad was already dating someone else.
Well, a few weeks later, I met Sheila for the first time, and shortly after, she was living with us. Eventually, we moved into her house about 30 minutes away from where I grew up. After that, whenever they fought (which was often), she’d kick us out. I got kicked out of the house with my dad twice, and one time she just kicked him out and let me stay, but it was super uncomfortable. Each time she kicked him out, she also filed a restraining order on him.
Here’s why I resent her: she knew who he was. She experienced his abuse firsthand. She had already escaped him once. But she still chose to get back with him, and by doing that, she brought all that chaos back. not just into her life, but into mine. I was still a kid. I didn’t choose this. But I’ve had to deal with cops at the house, screaming matches, being kicked out, instability. all because she decided to give him another chance.
I know abusive relationships are complicated. I know manipulation is real. But this wasn’t the first time. This wasn’t someone who didn’t know better. She knew exactly who he was—years before I was even born. And now I’m the one dealing with the consequences of her decision to come back.
She’s nice to me, yeah. But I can’t pretend like that makes it okay. I feel like my life would’ve been so different if she had just walked away that day in the store. And I hate that I think that.
AITA for resenting her, even though she never directly hurt me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Deep down, i resent my stepmother for the hurt she has indirectly caused me for the past however many years of my life.
2) i don’t think she went into this relationship planning on hurting me at all, im sure she was hopeful things would change. it’s not completely her fault.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA I understand holding resentment for her but where’s all this smoke for your OWN father who’s being abusive and causing this chaos of an environment that has pulled you into the mix
YTA why are you blaming Sheila and not your father. You didn’t say it was mutually abusive. It sounds like this is all in your father. Even with Sheila coming back into the picture it’s your father who took you from your grandmother’s house. If it hadn’t been Sheila it would have been someone else. You have misplaced anger. Sheila is a victim of your father as much a you are.
I think you’re placing the blame on Sheila instead of your dad because it’s easier. She “knew”, but he’s the abusive one. In all likelihood, your dad would be abusive to any woman, so even if it wasn’t Sheila, you’d be dragged into it with another woman. Why aren’t you blaming him for dragging you in to this situation and being an abusive partner instead of the woman he abuses?
YTA. Your mad at her because your dads abusive? What. You really think if it wasn’t her it would’ve been someone else? The man was busy dating while grandma raised you; it’s not like he lived a celibate life before she came around.
You are entitled to your feelings but I think it’s worth examining why you resent her for reacting to what you have admitted that your father did. Is it because resenting her is easier than admitting that it’s your father’s actions that have actually had the biggest effect? Your father is a grown ass man who also could have simply walked away. Why does he have a “get out of jail free” card for this relationship affecting you? (Even if it’s not what you intend, it’s what this reads like. You diminish what your father did to warrant all of these things happening. Protection orders and cops being called don’t appear just because of a little arguing. ) I understand having complicated feelings because he’s your father, but logically, everything that happened was 100% his fault and one way or another, you need to come to grips with that. Honestly speaking I hope they separate forever for her sake alone.
Edit: soft YTA. I know you’re nineteen and technically an adult but you have a lot of growing up to do.
NTA people don’t need to be mean to hurt you. Sheila contributed to your bad childhood, her decisions hurt you. It’s normal to resent people for that, even if they’re nice to you. Nice is not the same as not guilty.
YTA sheila isn’t the problem. She probably loves him and maybe even partially is scared for you. Your father is the problem here. Why don’t you just ask Sheila is a loving way why she got back with him when he is abusive.
I actually just wanted to say that I’m sorry this happened to you.
You’re mad at the abused rather than the abuser? If it wasn’t Sheila, it’d just be Vicky or Rhonda or whatever woman desperate enough to put up with your Dad’s abuse. Or would that be better because they might not have bothered with the kicking out?
I’m sorry your dad is this way, but he’s the one who has brought chaos into your life. You know who he is, too.
NTA, but heaping the majority of your anger on the abuser rather than (one of the) victims is pretty twisted. I hope that you pay attention to the red flags, and steer clear of abusers in your own relationship.
NTA, people here saying YTA very obviously lacked the reading comprehension to properly process what you are trying to explain. They think that just because you didn’t mention your father means you aren’t blaming him but you never even made or implied that so these people are making assumptions which you are very obviously clarifying to not he the case based off your replies.
You’re NTA.
Can you consider some therapy to help you process this?
I think your resentment is understandable, but your dad also chose to get back with her. They’re both culpable, him perhaps even more so.
NAH.
I can’t vault a victim for being victimized. Do I expect most adults to have more sense and courage than to return to an abuser, yes. But that’s not our reality. I think she deserves some empathy.
On the other hand, she’s been a contributing factor in the worst moments / experiences of your life. So it’s understandable you associate her with negative feelings.
While I don’t think you’re wrong, I would encourage you to consider that Sheila is one of two contributors and since your father is the aggressor in these situations, it’s likely this would have been your reality no matter who he was with.
Maybe your resentment is more appropriately assigned to your father than his wife.
Do you have access to therapy? If you are in college, they may offer it for free. You have a lot to unpack from your childhood and starting now will help.
NTA, however, I think a good therapist could help you get to the point where you decide to go no contact with both your dad and step mom. Both of them contributed to danger and stress in your childhood and I’m not hearing they’re different people now. So, I hope there’s a point where you are well clear of them both.
NTAH. All the people on here saying the Shelia is the victim are missing the fact that she wouldn’t be the victim if SHE hadn’t decided to get back together with a man who previously abused her. Both of my ex husband abused me and I got away from them both. If I was stupid enough to get back with either one of them, it would be my own fault if they abused me again. Shelia made a very stupid choice to get back with a man who she knew was abusive and in doing so helped contribute to OP’s troubled childhood.
YTA, you are mad at the wrong person, it’s time to take care of yourself and start therapy, it will help you understand it better…
NTA – both Sheila and (especially) your dad made your childhood unstable. Normally, I’d say YTA for blaming an abuse victim but you seem to acknowledge your father is an abusive AH and Sheila got out. It sounds like she escaped your dad and was free for years. At some point, she made a decision to re-enter his life and start a new relationship with him. She knew what she was signing up for and decided to do it with his child in the mix. Sorry you couldn’t just live with your grandma full time; sounds like that would have been a better option.