So, my (22F) now ex-boyfriend, let’s call him Adam (23M), just graduated. I was invited to his graduation celebration with his family and some friends, including his best friend Ben.
For context:
Adam’s mom has never really warmed up to me in the 2+ years we’ve been together. She constantly praises others (Adam’s female colleagues or hers at the restaurant, cousins, even strangers) but has never once volunteered a positive word about me. Whenever anyone compliments me, it’s always someone else, like his godparents or even strangers that so happen to see me. She either ignores it or redirects the conversation to others.
Meanwhile, I’ve always gone out of my way to contribute. I bring gifts when I visit, I help out with his family when they need something, I try to join in conversations even though they rarely ask me questions back. I wanted to feel included, especially since Adam and I had even talked about moving in together (we were supposed to in a month), and family is very important to me.
At the graduation:
People were taking pictures with everyone, but nobody wanted a family picture including me. This stung, because my mom and Adam have tons of pictures together, but his family has never wanted one with me.
A stranger even came up to Adam’s parents to say how beautiful I looked (“the prettiest dressed there”), though I hadn’t even tried to stand out, I was wearing a simple black dress with tights, since I had actually come straight from attending something really heavy that morning. His godmother also complimented me repeatedly and engaged with me warmly.
Each time, I brushed it off and tried to redirect the spotlight back to Adam and his achievements. I wanted him to shine that day.
But here’s where it went wrong. At dinner, his godfather asked if I also had to write a thesis for my degree. I answered honestly: yes, but mine was a different type (I studied art). I even made a self-deprecating joke that ours are “longer just to compensate because art is an ‘easy, unimportant’ subject.” His godmother responded that it sounded impressive, and the conversation went on.
Later, Adam told me I had completely disrespected him and his family. He said I made his graduation about me, that I was hypocritical, and that I ruined his day. He even said that me contributing money toward the food (to help, since I knew how expensive everything was with the recent funeral costs) was “like being an uncle,” not a girlfriend. And he told me I hadn’t given him a graduation gift, when I had, just after his vacation, because I couldn’t logistically bring everything that day.
The part that really broke me: I had tried so hard to do the opposite. Adam has complained before that I’m “too quiet” at family gatherings because I often stop talking after being ignored. So this time, I really tried. I asked questions, I joined in, I responded when spoken to, I smiled and celebrated him. But no matter what, it’s never right. If I’m quiet, I’m “cold.” If I speak when spoken to, I’m “selfish.”
And his mom? She apparently went to him afterward and said I was trying to upstage him with my thesis story, and who knows what else, even though I only brought it up because his godfather asked me. Yet she gushes endlessly when it’s about his friend Ben, or other women (it’s mostly been girls so far, but it could genuinely be anyone), or anyone except me. That entire day I wasn’ even properly introduced to his godparents (I had to do so myself), but his friend was (formally). They kept going on and on about his cum laude, his Master degrees, even though I have one too, and how impressive he is; and that rubs me so wrong now, because that isn’t seen as upstaging according to her. Even at a work event for my boyfriend, she kept going towards girls she barely knew, one she knew from work, and kept praising them in front of me (she’s never praised me in front of anyone: she’s never even introduced me as a girlfriend) and my boyfriend’s supervisor, who couldn’t exchange anything with me that day, because I was just on the side watching everything unfold. I didn’t mind, because I don’t really have to be praised or spoken to, to feel content (I honestly am just there for Adam), but it feels so wrong that everyone is praised and everything, but an honest mistake on mentioning word count, is seen in such a light and makes every single thing I’ve said after null. I genuinely never meant to talk about me in a good light. I have a degree in the humanities, it’s really nothing noble lol. His mom claims I kept trying to outshine him, when I didn’t. I never asked to be complimented when speaking or when I wasn’t speaking; honestly, the thesis was the only thing I mentioned about myself and that I just like fashion, etc. I was chatting eith his friend mostly too, since we’ve become really good palls now who’s attended many of my musical performances. But even those comversations were about meeting Adam and our dates and sometimes interests related to those date stories (e.g. the fashion thing). I even made that about my boyfriend, talking about what he’s so kindly gotten me from his culture and how much I’ve enjoyed going to exhibitions with him and restaurants to familiarize myself. I wanted to praise where his family is from with this. I kept praising cuisine and everything.
After that night, Adam kept saying I didn’t respect him, that I’m hypocritical for “explaining myself,” and that I need to stop defending my intentions. That he’s heard from his mom I kept putting him down (and I never really have, except if word count really is intimidating; but I’ve praised him so much, calling him the ideal son in law and everything). He wanted me to just admit I was wrong and promise to “do better” in the future. That he doesn’t want to talk about this further and leave it at multiple sorries and how I should just listen to him calling me all kinds of names. But I honestly don’t know what else I could have done, except for clarifying I had no ill intend and hope he can let his mom know, and I’m genuinely sorry if I hadn’t contextualised my answer enough.
I ended things with him after he kept putting me down, because I finally realized I’ll never be “enough” for him or his family, no matter how much effort I put in, since he doesn’t want to talk about this constructively. The pictures, the cold shoulder, everything happened before my thesis was brought up. They never thanked me for contributing either (apparently it makes me an uncle). Still, part of me wonders: was I really wrong for even answering those questions at his graduation dinner? Should I have just said “yes” and stopped there?
AITA for ruining his day by speaking about myself when asked, even though I tried to keep all the praise on him?
Edit: sorry for any typos, i wrote this quickly on my phone, because this happened two days ago and everything’s just weighing on me a lot. I had felt really hurt that day over the photo thing but brushed it aside, so to hear everything from mom’s end is making me feel really guilty, as I’ve genuinely been trying my best to seem appealing.
Comments
Adam’s mom is the real problem, twisting normal answers into unfair blame.
It seems like you tried so hard yet kept getting shut out.
Do you think Adam ever truly stood up for you with his family?
NTA. You were just answering questions and being polite, his reaction is unreasonable
Maybe the reason they didn’t like you as his partner is that they want an insipid waif they can intimidate and use as a breeder for “the family” , not a smart woman that will have her own career?
Lolz this seems like a situation that I would just run from.
I feel like moms very rarely improve and sons very rarely keep them in check.
NTA
You don’t fit in with his or his family’s expectations of how a woman should behave in their culture. And it sounds like his mother and him don’t accept you. Don’t sweat it. You weren’t respected and you won’t be. You did the right thing.
Absolutely nta but ywbta to yourself if you stay in this situation. this family is no good for you
Adam is a little bitch
What a bellend 😀 just leave his insecure ass
NTA, you’re 22 and have your whole life ahead of you, why waste it on an abuser and his enablers? Ex will be forever single as long as his Mother around.
The reality was that they never would have been happy with anyone smart and independent. They want someone meek who lives to serve their entitled brat of a son.
It will be hard for him to succeed in the real world with his employer if he can never think of others.
Honey you were tied up with a mama’s boy. No one is ever going to be good enough for her boy, no one is ever going to live up to his mom. A real partner would beam proudly when their family was praising you, not accuse you of stealing their spotlight. You are well rid of this dude. Take some time to heal and then fine someone who is proud of you rather than jealous.
NTA.
NTA You did nothing wrong with how you behaved at his graduation day. His mom looks for something to criticize you over and exaggerates it. He joins in on what she’s told him and he won’t discuss it further after he’s decided you were disrespectful to his whole family.
He kept putting you down and l am proud of you for ending the relationship. You are correct, you would never be “good enough” for him or his family based on what was said about you two being from different cultures. It would have been a miserable and unhappy life with him. He is too critical and uncaring.
Now you can enjoy your life without walking on egg shells. Congratulations on your degree, and arguing a thesis in Art takes imagination and talent. You hid your hard work to praise him. I hope you use your degree and have a wonderful job and life.
Updateme
NTA, he wants eye candy and not a partner.
Good job leaving. Welcome to your new life! You have the voice to only let those in your life who don’t make you question if you’re good enough 99% of the time! Fuck him, seriously. Proud of you.
NTA. They sound insufferable. Run as fast as you can.
The mom would never be happy and neither can Adam. I think it was wise cutting your losses
Something tells me you’ve been gaslit in this relationship for a while. The fact that you’re questioning your own behavior (which sounds perfectly reasonable and actually very supportive and kind) and going over it with a fine tooth comb is typical— I’m really glad you ended things. I wouldn’t bother overthinking about how you acted; obviously it’s good to take responsibility for one’s actions but when you get used to being labeled as the “bad” one for everything, and constantly told you’re not acting right (and the bar keeps getting moved), it becomes easier to take too much responsibility because on some level it’s less painful to find fault in oneself than to admit that a loved one is basically manipulating you and trying to put you down.
NTA. Adam sounds like an insecure little baby who couldn’t handle a genuinely awesome girl for a gf. The mom is just adding fuel to fire, I wouldn’t even by surprised if she’d planted these seeds right before your conversation with him. It’s an uphill battle with family like that, you’d be better off where you’re loved and appreciated for your efforts.
The mother lied about you, he bought it (not to mention trying to make you into a completely different person), and wants you to just shut up. Breaking up was the right thing. Find someone better.
It sounds like she’s simply a snobby arsehole and he’s the nugget of joy who came out of her. NTA
They are a family of AHs. You made a lucky escape.
Agree with the previous comments. You need a bf who loves you for you, and not what his mother feels is right for him.
Congratulations! You’re free if the real assholes.
Very advisable that you got this man out of your life. Consider yourself fortunate that he showed you what your life would be like if you stayed with this egocentric,
controlling person. He knows what he wants his life’s partner to be like, and it’s not you. Now you can find someone who truly cares for you.
So these are what you’d call 🚩🚩
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is in a relationship soon with Ben. NTA
NTA. You dodged a bullet. Be thankful you saw this part of him and his family now and not when things had escalated more.
Girl get a backbone. Drop his narcissistic ass, tell his mother she’s a cow abd go somewhere else. why would you invite thus treatment? He’s either Indian or middle eastern, right? Fk them
His family treats you like garbage because that’s how he wants it. He’s angry his godparents treated you like a person but he can’t get mad at them. He has to blame you. He’s angry with you now because you weren’t sufficiently torn down.
You did the right thing by leaving the loser. You were never going to win.
Sweety they don’t like you not even your boyfriend. They’re going out of their way to belittle and make you feel shit. Stop making yourself small to appease them it will never work
So glad you left him. The problem wasn’t that you’ll never be enough. It was that you would never have been SMALL enough. That is a major problem and not a healthy way for you to live.
NTA boy you have dodged a massive bullet with him and his family. Be grateful and go live your best life.
Definitely not in the wrong over any of this. The fact that he just wants you to apologize and admit you were wrong so y’all don’t have to deal with it anymore? That’s not how healthy relationships work. And honestly good riddance to a man who takes this advice from his mother and treats you like this
Adam doesn’t see you as a partner, but as competition.
I don’t know what his mommy did to fuck up his mind so much that he thinks he has to compete with what is supposed to be his partner. But it’s not your responsibility or fault.
There’s even a chance Adam is really together with his friend, in his heart, and you were supposed to be his quiet, submissive beard.
But again, not your responsibility or fault.
I hope he finds happiness with some law student, that will eventually leave him in the dust, or has the stereotypical lawyer mindset: affairs don’t matter, as long as you can protect your financial assets.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom.
Find a partner that’s mentally adult.
NTA
>I genuinely never meant to talk about me in a good light
Girl, this made me sad sigh. You’re 22 and have a masters degree, you’re an artist and musician. Please be proud of yourself and achievements and feel free to talk about yourself in a good light from now on.
The relationship you just got out of is not at all what a good, healthy relationship looks like. Use it as a learning experience, pour your feelings into your art and I hope you heal from this soon.
NTA, same reasons others have mentioned. You definitely did nothing wrong.
But what is this business about “contributing” financially to them, especially for a funeral???
Girl, it’s neither your job nor your place to be helping a boyfriend’s family pay for a party or a freaking funeral!! That is so strange I don’t even know where to begin.
And to do it to try to fit in??? That’s completely crazy thinking – and you have just found out how utterly ineffective it is in producing that desired result.
You aren’t even living with this guy, let alone engaged or married. You never have an obligation like this to anyone else’s family.
I have no idea what it means that this “makes you an uncle,” but obviously they felt it was highly inappropriate, too – although they were apparently not offended enough to refuse the cash.
At best, it sounds like the dragon lady may have thought you were trying too hard to impress them, and took offense.
I will tell you for sure, though, that it’s very possible they thought you looked down on them and pitied them for apparently being so poor you thought they really could not afford all the food or to pay for a funeral. How would that make you feel?
I’m not saying that is what you thought, but it is certainly something they might well have taken from your gesture.
They sure didn’t handle it well if that was the case, but people who feel embarrassed and humiliated in front of others are not usually very gracious.
I don’t think this was really wrong, but such financial contributions really are by themselves totally inappropriate.
Getting into doing that with a family of a completely different culture could have opened a cultural minefield you have no idea about. Did you not ask Adam first if it would be OK?
Don’t ever do this again with anyone you don’t already know well, and don’t just hand them cash. Discreetly ask first if there’s anything you can do to help/contribute, then accept whatever answer they give you.
His mother sounds like a nutcase, and he’s an ass, so it’s good you dumped him. Don’t let him come back, no matter what.
But don’t ever again stay with a guy who makes you feel so self conscious, or whose family is so rude to you and he doesn’t stand up to them for you. You deserve a lot better.
Discussing money, politics, or religion with people you don’t already know well can be a gigantic minefield. Just don’t go there if you can possibly avoid it. These topics are almost always huge hot buttons.
Adam sounds like a controlling mommy’s boy. Run, and run far. Also, you buried the lede a little. I think racism also plays a role in his family’s attitude towards you.
What are your ethnicities and religious backgrounds?
Updateme
NTA
You did a good thing leaving him. He’s got you so well put down that you think having a masters at 22 isnt something to be proud of, that you put yourself down in front of his friends, family and random strangers so that he and his ego can feel good.
He made you make yourself small and tiny because he can’t stand the fact that your great.
He should have been praising you, not telling you to sit there and take a scolding like a child when you did nothing wrong
His mum is jealous of you and so is he. Let them be miserable in each others company
Go meet new people, make new friends, do new things
He sounds like an insecure manbaby and his mother sounds like an exhausting moron. Good riddance to them both.
This seems like a nightmare situation. Question is why stay so long? Nothing in the story is telling me he’s a keeper. Except maybe he’s wealthy?
Do you really want to tie yourself for life to a man who doesn’t want to celebrate the wonderful things that you have done, but wants you to suppress them so he looks better? The way you are feeling about this experience is literally how you are going to be feeling the rest of your life. Read up on sunk cost fallacy. Don’t settle.
You know what I want to say to you as someone who could be your grandmother, who is been around the block a few times and who knows what she’s talking about: You actually are very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. This is way way too much drama and work. So if it’s behind you then Bravo.
Why don’t you expand your horizons and get an education and a degree and a career, earn, then travel and meet new people, see great things. Round yourself out as a person and don’t get tied down to anyone till you are more worldly. Be more educated and experienced in this world.
This sounds really familiar. If you have not already done so, try reading a bit about neurodivergence, particularly the Double Empathy Problem. This seems like a textbook case of a family of neurotypicals mischaracterizing and ostracising someone with a different brain style. The accusations of being defensive and “making it about you” are hallmark.
Regardless, you’re a human being who deserves to be surrounded by people who treat you with care and respect. Go find them.
So glad you dumped that ahole and his ahole family.
You missed a trick here.
“She apparently went to him afterward and said I was trying to upstage him with my thesis story”
When he told you that your reaction should have been “Why is she saying that to you?” and “You didn’t think I was trying to upstage you so why adopt her position?” you could have then gone on to ask how many times this has happened and say it’s clear she doesn’t like me.
When ending the relationship I would have also got a snarky comment in along the lines of I hope you are happy with whoever your mother chooses for you.
So no, NTA.
So he’s a mamas boy who listens to and believes everything she says, and she’s telling him all this stuff and likely telling him to leave you. I am certain she has been doing this all along and I am certain she will never stop if you stay together. Please don’t doubt yourself or think that a response to a question needs a word count, it doesn’t. Please do not get back together with him!
NTA
I am glad, that you dumped him. You’ll find someone better.
NTA. He doesn’t like you. Perhaps it’s because his family have shaped him into liking a certain type of woman, and you’re not it. Or not. But either way, you won’t have a happy like with this man and his family. You’ve made the right choice.
NTA, as a matter of fact you showed wisdom. His behavior suggests he was NEVER going to take your side. Had you gotten married, it sounds like he would be the type of guy to never be on your team, opting for his mom’s or ANYONE else’s instead. Anyone who is serious about a relationship with their significant other shows it the best by severing the umbilicus from their mother, figuratively. My mom tried several times to disrespect my wife and I checked her ruthlessly. I had to, and it made my wife of 22 years realize early on that I represent unequivocal respect and safety for her. This is something you must demand in your partner otherwise the relationship will never succeed. You made a wise decision to exit this bad relationship.
EDIT: QUESTION, are you of different ethnic or racial backgrounds? Why do I ask: because in some cases this plays a major role. My wife (46f Black) and I (48m White) have had some trials. It only GALVANIZED our relationship, not strained it. This was not happening with your relationship. He was choosing other sides, never his partner’s. Leaving was your only healthy option.
Some people like criticising their partner more than they like having a good relationship with their partner, or even having a partner at all. Adam is just one of those people. There’s no point in even focusing on what he had a problem with this time, because it’s just whatever random thing he could find to pick at that day. If the complaint seems absurd or unreasonable (and it is), it’s because he didn’t actually have anything to complain about, so he was ‘forced’ to pick something really dumb.
My ex was the same. Things he criticised me for included:
But at least my ex’s mom didn’t join in. She was really nice actually. His behavior was still plenty reason for me to leave him ofc and I’m so relieved to be away from him.