My (27f) mother (65f) is a very particular person. Either something is exactly the way she wants it or it’s ruined.
She had Friday off for the holiday, and while she was taking a shower she wanted me to change the sheets on her bed. She takes short showers (5 min max) and immediately comes out of the bathroom to her room.
I wasn’t dressed yet when she went into the shower, and she keeps a ton of stuff on her bed. A dog bed, at least 6 pillows, and whatever random crap she hasn’t cleared on top of the bedding. So I was only about half done when she got out. She gets into her room and berated me for “being lazy”.
A multi-topic argument later, she spent the day laying in bed not talking to me. That evening she was still mad until I apologized. (She didn’t. She never does.)
Yesterday was fine, but today we got into another argument. Sometimes I have a hard time hearing her from the next room. She started going on about how I’m in terrible health for someone my age and am doing nothing to prevent it.
(I’m a Chinese adoptee from the one child era, and it just occurred to me a few years go that my bio mom probably had little to no prenatal care. It’s nothing major but a ton of little things that add up.)
This reminded me I needed to reschedule an appointment, and I ran to get my calendar to write it down (I have adhd and I knew I’d forget if I didn’t do it then. It took about 30 seconds). She said I have a terrible work ethic and was rude, and that’s why I got let go in November from my PhD program.
(In reality my mentor was mad I couldn’t work extra hours to care for her post-surgery and later lost funding so couldn’t take me back like he said he would.)
I tried explaining but she refuses to accept that I have adhd (immediately contradicted by her saying everyone has it) despite the fact that it’s in my medical record and I’ve been taking medication for it for about a decade. It’s a longstanding argument and I avoid bringing it up to her.
Another argument later and she’s in her room again as I write this. This time she’s closed the door so the dogs can’t get in.
So AITA? She works a full-time job for the US government and is very stressed right now. But I feel she’s taking all that stress out on me. She adopted me as a single parent, so there’s no other person in the house.
My aunt tries to play mediator sometimes but my mom discounts her opinion when she doesn’t like it.
I’m trying to find a job or another PhD position to ease the financial burden, but the STEM field in the US is sorta screwed right now.
I tried to do so in November, but my mom told me it would’ve been a waste of time/I’d burn a bridge with an employer when I went back to school. But now things are even worse.
I’m just trying to sort my life out, but I keep questioning whether these arguments are my fault or not. They happen fairly frequently. It’s just that the long weekend made it worse.
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My (27f) mother (65f) is a very particular person. Either something is exactly the way she wants it or it’s ruined.
She had Friday off for the holiday, and while she was taking a shower she wanted me to change the sheets on her bed. She takes short showers (5 min max) and immediately comes out of the bathroom to her room.
I wasn’t dressed yet when she went into the shower, and she keeps a ton of stuff on her bed. A dog bed, at least 6 pillows, and whatever random crap she hasn’t cleared on top of the bedding. So I was only about half done when she got out. She gets into her room and berated me for “being lazy”.
A multi-topic argument later, she spent the day laying in bed not talking to me. That evening she was still mad until I apologized. (She didn’t. She never does.)
Yesterday was fine, but today we got into another argument. Sometimes I have a hard time hearing her from the next room. She started going on about how I’m in terrible health for someone my age and am doing nothing to prevent it.
(I’m a Chinese adoptee from the one child era, and it just occurred to me a few years go that my bio mom probably had little to no prenatal care. It’s nothing major but a ton of little things that add up.)
This reminded me I needed to reschedule an appointment, and I ran to get my calendar to write it down (I have adhd and I knew I’d forget if I didn’t do it then. It took about 30 seconds). She said I have a terrible work ethic and was rude, and that’s why I got let go in November from my PhD program.
(In reality my mentor was mad I couldn’t work extra hours to care for her post-surgery and later lost funding so couldn’t take me back like he said he would.)
I tried explaining but she refuses to accept that I have adhd (immediately contradicted by her saying everyone has it) despite the fact that it’s in my medical record and I’ve been taking medication for it for about a decade. It’s a longstanding argument and I avoid bringing it up to her.
Another argument later and she’s in her room again as I write this. This time she’s closed the door so the dogs can’t get in.
So AITA? She works a full-time job for the US government and is very stressed right now. But I feel she’s taking all that stress out on me. She adopted me as a single parent, so there’s no other person in the house.
My aunt tries to play mediator sometimes but my mom discounts her opinion when she doesn’t like it.
I’m trying to find a job or another PhD position to ease the financial burden, but the STEM field in the US is sorta screwed right now.
I tried to do so in November, but my mom told me it would’ve been a waste of time/I’d burn a bridge with an employer when I went back to school. But now things are even worse.
I’m just trying to sort my life out, but I keep questioning whether these arguments are my fault or not. They happen fairly frequently. It’s just that the long weekend made it worse.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We’re both stressed right now now. Everything is a mess and we don’t have anyone else to talk to but each other. (She doesn’t like to talk about problems outside the house and has ingrained that into me)
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She insulted and berated you for not having finished a chore in less than five minutes.
You didn’t forget, you didn’t refuse to do it, you just did it slightly slower than she thought you should be able to. Nothing about this task was urgent. There was no need for an argument at all, she was just looking for an excuse to be mean to you.
Honestly, it sounds like she treats you pretty terribly overall. I hope you’re able to get out of this situation soon.
NTA but this is more of a rant than a true AITA question. Get a job and move out.
NTA. She can make her own bed. It sounds like you are supposed to do all kinds of things for her, and her job is to put you down about it. Why are you set up to be your mother’s servant, and also your mentor’s servant? That’s not a great gig. Maybe look for work and/or study opportunities in other countries? And don’t become someone else’s personal servant. A lot of other countries are recruiting the laid-off Americans right now.
you’re twenty seven. why would you be making her bed at all?
Nta ur mom kinda rude
You should join the group Raised By Narcissists. NTA
Easy NTA, your mother absolutely is though for berating you and treating you the way she does
It doesn’t matter how stressed she is, she shouldn’t be taking that out on anyone
NTA. Did your mother adopt a child because she had strong maternal feelings and was unable to have a child herself, or did she adopt a child because she wanted someone to run around after her and be there at her beck and call in later life? Sorry if this stings – but the latter is what it sounds like. She’s treating you like a badly-behaved 10-year-old, not a grown-ass woman she calls her daughter and should love. How long are you going to be her slave? Do you feel you owe her in some way?
ETA: also, “particular” is a very polite way of saying “spoiled brat”.
Why the hell can’t she make her own bed ???… NTA even without the rest of your story…
(Edit 1 word)
NTA, look for jobs in your field of study and move out…
You’re 27. It’s time to leave home. Your mother is toxic and you need to get your own life going. Get a plan in place, get a job and live your own life.
You mother is trying to control you by manipulating you. She is being verbally abusive. In reality, she doesn’t want you to go to school or work. She wants you to take care of her. She’s lowering your self esteem and giving mixed messages so that you are constantly confused and unable to make a decision about your future.
It’s called narcissistic abuse.
NTA. You’re 27. She doesn’t get to assign you chores anymore. Ask for help ok, as long as no is an acceptable answer. BTW the silent treatment is abusive.
My bigger concern is that it sounds like she’s trying to keep you financially dependent. Get a job. Tell her nothing about your job search. I wouldn’t tell her anything until after your first day. Even then just ‘I got a job.’ Not where. Not your pay. Not your title/duties. Don’t give her a chance to sabotage you. And make sure your bank account is off-limits. This means she’s never been authorized on it and it’s not at the same bank as hers. Work on becoming financially independent.
NTA from this tiny snippet of info your mom sounds very emotionally immature. Why is it your job to make her bed??? But even ignoring that, why would you doing it slowly ruin her weekend in ANY way??? Why would something SO minor be something to throw a tantrum about and then pout over????
Maybe your mother is something of a narcissist -read the book ‘the daughters of narcissist mothers’ some of it may perhaps resonate with you. Anyhow she can make her own bed. Think it could be helpful if you separate from her in different ways and don’t let her sabotage things for you. Good luck.
NTA. Based on your other comment about you doing all of the housework, she didn’t adopt a child, she adopted a maid. Remove yourself from this situation as soon as you can.
your mom is TA. she can make her own fucking bed.
NTA Jesus, the only reason to tolerate this crap is if you hate yourself. Thinking a weekend is ruined by an unmade bed is mental illness. Your mom pins the responsibility for her unhappiness on you so she can be a victim. It’s abuse. Stop tolerating it because you deserve better. She’s chipping away at your self-esteem to make herself feel better.
Get a job – ANY job – so you can move out. You can’t imagine the relief being rid of her negativity will bring to your life.
I’ve had to “train” my parents how to treat me. I tell them my boundaries once only – that we’re not discussing something or not to say certain things. I explain that I will end the conversation if they persist. Then follow through.
“Mom, I’ve explained this before. I’m going to hang up now and give you some time to think. We’ll talk another time when you think you can control yourself.”
It usually only takes a few times for them to learn. They’re not stupid, just selfish.
It honestly sounds like your mom has an untreated mental illness (or perhaps more than one) and you’re bearing the brunt of it. NTA.
This is emotionally abusive behavior. You need other stable frames of reference like a therapist to unpack these experiences
why are you worried about making your mother’s bed? Get a regular job until you can get the college stuff arranged. Find a mentor person at the college to help. Move to anywhere if you have to, this woman is not your friend, your mother or even someone who likes you. Get out now.
Your “mom” is unhinged. Back away
The only lazy one here is the adult who expects another adult to change their sheets in a bed they don’t share. NTA
Tell your mother to stay in a hotel if she doesn’t like the way you do things
Your mom is the AH. As for your degree – appeal it. It’s not you’re fault the professor out TA has put off college problems and was unprofessional.
NTA. Her adoption of you doesn’t give her the right to verbally and psychologically abuse you. Could you apply for a study abroad? Get out from under her and find your own life? You deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve this treatment.
Get a job, move out. Your mother is a jerk.