I (19m) always knew my dad wasn’t my bio dad and it was never a huge deal. I knew I was loved either way. Mom always told us my bio father hadn’t wanted to be a dad and walked away once he learned she was pregnant. When I was 12 I started struggling with health issues and we were repeatedly asked for family medical background. Mom swore she reached out to ask bio for any insight on his side but he refused to give it. At the time we were told it would be ideal to find out more if we could but if not we would do our best to treat me.
My dad and I talked about it a lot and he comforted me when I was upset that this guy who made me hated me so much that he wouldn’t even help for a medical problem. It meant added complications and always having to explain to new doctors I was referred to that I only had half my family medical history and could not get more. And really it just sucked to think he cared so little if I could be seriously ill or not.
A year ago my aunt (mom’s sister) told me that things might not be like they seemed and maybe it would be a good idea to search for answers myself. She said the worst that could happen is he refuses to answer or gets mad at me for making contact. I asked her what she meant about things not being what they seemed but she was tight lipped on it so I did a 23&Me. I ended up matched with a paternal aunt and from there mom’s lies were exposed to me.
My paternal aunt was shocked to learn about me and she told me she was 100% certain her brother had no idea either. She was a go between for us at first to help set up contacting and a face to face meeting. When we met he had medical info waiting for me and he told me it was a thing I inherited from his side and he would be a donor if I ever needed one. He was also apologizing the whole time for not knowing me and he swore he was never told mom was pregnant. They broke up because she cheated and he never heard from her again or her sister (aunt who pushed me to search) who he got along with during his relationship with mom. The medical info helped and I told him I’d have way more questions once I processed.
Then I went to talk to mom. At first she said it was all lies. Then asked why I searched without saying anything and when I told her why she admitted it was true. She said she met dad after the guy she cheated on my bio father with left her and she came up with the lie so we could be a normal family. And she never told my bio about me even after I got sick because she wanted to keep things as they were.
I was hurt but so was my dad. He was mad she denied my bio father and me the chance to know each other. But also that she lied to him the whole time they had known each other. He felt like she made him complicit in keeping me and my bio father apart. And he was super angry she was willing to make my health stuff more difficult because I didn’t have the full background rather than do the right thing and expose her lies years ago for my sake.
The medical info I got was actually helpful for my medical team so it was worth it in that sense. But it has ruined my relationship with mom and my parents marriage is done. Dad wants a divorce and already moved out of their house. My siblings blame me for it because they know what went down between us all.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. Sorry about your mom.
But congratulations on having potentially two really great dads.
NTA, You didn’t ruin the family. The truth did. And the truth only hurts this badly because it was buried for so long. What you did was brave, necessary for your health, and ultimately gave you knowledge and connections you deserve. It’s okay to feel guilt and sadness, but don’t take on blame that isn’t yours.
NTA. You didn’t ruin anything your mom’s choices did. You were just trying to get important info about your health, and the truth came out. That’s not on you. It sucks that your siblings are blaming you, but honestly, your mom had so many chances to come clean and chose not to. You have every right to be upset.
It’s amazing how 19 years of lies can come back to haunt you /s
NTA, she set this up, she made the choices and hurt you both physically and mentally in the process.
NTA. You’re not the villain here. You asked for truth and medical info, things you had every right to know. It’s heartbreaking that your mom’s choices caused all this, but you didn’t ruin anything the lies did. You did what you needed for your health and that matters.
Exactly none of this is your fault. Ugh. NTA.
NTA. What your mom did is awful and extremely selfish. She literally lied to everyone and denied your bio dad a relationship with you and vice versa. I hope you can talk to your siblings and I’m sure they’ll understand at some point. This is NOT your fault – these are the consequences to your mom’s actions.
NTA. If the revelation of your mom’s deception destroys her marriage, then it wasn’t a marriage worth having. I have no idea what your mom was thinking. But you had a right to know your father and a right to know your medical history. You are not the AH in this, not in any way.
NTA. Absolutely NOT the AH. And please don’t feel guilty. In a way, you’ve done your non-bio dad a favour, because it has shown him who your mother really is. She’s someone who is not only willing to lie for years, but also to allow her child to suffer pain and illness, rather than admit to truth.
NTA. Her ego was more important to her than your health. She earned these consequences.
Actions (lies)have consequences. I feel bad this is happening to you, but you did nothing wrong! Your mother needs to own this problem because she’s 100% at fault. I’m glad your finally getting the medical information you’ve needed for so long. NTA
your mom set this whole mess in motion by lying for nearly two decades. You didn’t ruin the marriage her choices did. Getting your medical history was basic survival, not betrayal. Your siblings are just misplacing their anger because the truth is ugly.
Your siblings blame you because your professional liar of a mother spewed her version of events at them.
OP, your father is an amazing father and one hell of a man. He wants out because she hurt his son, thats only on your mom because she didnt want to admit she was a run around sue and massively impacted lives instead of admitting she isnt a faithful partner. NTA
You did not create this situation in the least. Your mother is the sole owner of this fuckin mess. Seems she cheats in a few ways in life. Give your siblings time. The ones that are worth it will come around.
NTA. She’d rather seeing you suffer and potentially die from an illness than tell the truth about your bio dad.
Not an once of remorse from her either. She did it all to herself.
You’ve got two great dads now.
You were trying to get important medical information for your own health, and your mom’s lies were actively putting you at a disadvantage. It’s tragic that her deception damaged the marriage, but the responsibility for lying and keeping you from your bio father lies squarely with her, not you
NTA. You did nothing wrong. This was long overdue.
Your siblings are upset with the wrong person
Nta. Tell your siblings its mom’s fault and no one else’s.
Not AITA. It’s your mom fault for lying all these years. She should’ve come clean when you get sick. To think that she was willing risking your health/life is really astonishing. I am not surprised your dad is leaving your mom.
Also, I am glad that your bio dad is okay and that you have wonderful dad that is supporting your relationship with bio dad.
Updateme
NTA and do not hesitate to tell your siblings to go fuck themselves. This is your mothers fault alone.
YOU didn’t ruin anything. Your mother’s lies did. And your Dad probably would have forgiven her if she hadn’t been willing to risk your health to keep the secret. That was extremely shitty of her, and unwarranted.
NTA. Sorry about your mother. Seems like the father who raised you is a decent, stand up guy. Good luck.
NTA. Your Mom lied. She’s the AH. The consequences of her lie is what broker her marriage.
NTA. Your mom lied because she wanted a fresh start. I can understand how she was afraid to come clean later on but it was very selfish given that you had medical problems. You had every right to try to get answers and you’re not responsible for what comes now. It is the wrong-doer who is responsible for the outcome, not the one who shows the truth.
NTA, and your siblings need to shift that blame to mom, who let you suffer for her own pride and narrative. Like, for real, was your mom really ready and ok to just like watch you get worse, suffer, and possibly die all to protect her lie and pride? Let your siblings know, hey, if she was willing to watch me suffer to protect herself, what is she willing to let them go through to protect herself.
NTA this is very much all on your mom and she needs to make your siblings realise that. She’s done enough damage with her lies she can’t just sit back and do even more by letting your siblings blame you. I’m not surprised your dad’s left her she’s just proven she’s a very selfish person, she would rather let your health suffer than risk being exposed and your her child. If I was him any trust I had in her before would be gone, I certainly wouldn’t want to risk getting old with her.
You didn’t ruin their marriage; your mother did. NTA (and congratulations)!
Your mom shoulders 100% of the blame for what is happening
Your siblings blaming you is unfair.
Talk to your stepdad and ask him to talk to your siblings so that they can be told it’s not your fault
NTAH
Nta she shouldn’t have hid the truth from anyone, honestly you have every right to be angry with her for the fact that her lying delayed being able to figure out your medical problems putting you at risk just so she can be happy go family
It was completely selfish of her not to step forward about it
What if (maybe you do) you had inherited a rare heart condition from the father that without that knowledge and it had gotten worse bc she lied? ( i hope it was something minor but at the end of the day she risked your health)
NTA, mommy decided her “normal” was more valuable then, and I can not stress this Enough, YOUR LIFE! Suppose aunt said nothing and you needed that donor? Would she have fucking kept it up to maintain until you Died? Was that the plan? This isn’t just about the lies it’s about the kind of person she proved herself to be. Frankly your siblings are hurting and want someone to blame but are having a hard time seeing the reality. You didn’t do anything wrong. If I said I’d prefer you remain ill, hurting, potentially until death would you put Any value in my opinion of you? I’m a complete stranger, many would consider it reasonable and normal (after all I’m not donating my income to charities because I want to maintain my current life.) shouldn’t you expect Better from someone who Claimed to love you. Maybe she even does but she definitely loved her “normal” life more.
NTA. It’s all on your mom, and her lies. She is the one who built a family on lies, thinking the truth wouldn’t come out. And at the risk of losing one of her children. Just so she can have the happily ever after, family.
NTA. Hell no. She willingly put her own goddamn child’s life at risk to protect her image. That is absolute trash behaviour.
NTA. You didn’t ruin anything. Your mom did.
NTA your mom made her bed now she needs to sleep in it.
NTA, Your mom YTA all the way. Lies will be exposed as long as people are still alive….
NTA. If it is anyone’s fault, then your mother’s. And the truth, she hid. She had many opportunities to come clean. Yet she didn’t. She had no valid reason other than “perfect family” and her own ego. It’s fucked up, that she let you suffer and denied you the medical history of your bio father, because she thought her life is more important than yours.
Anyway, it were here lies that destroyed her marriage. If she had told the truth, there could have been a chance. But the way she did it? Nope.
I’m glad your dad is on your side, and he sounds great. Your siblings eventually will come around. If not and they refuse to see the truth and that they would have done the same, then you can’t change it. It’s sad, but then they are certainly coming after their mom.
How is your relationship with bio dad and family? So far, he and the aunt sound decent.
Updateme.
NTA. NONE of this is your fault. Your mom was selfish beyond selfish, and keeping up the lies while you were sick is pretty despicable. You would have been in the right even if it wasn’t related to your health, but since it did – that’s something you can “blame” this on to anyone that blames you.
NTA. You didn’t end your parents marriage your moms lies did
NTA your mum lied to you and in doing so compromised your health.
Your siblings are blaming the wrong person, but I think that’s because they are younger than you and because from their perspective, they might be thinking they will pay the price for it.
You are 19 and are independent, I’m guessing at least one of them is 16 or younger.
What sucks is they do not have the emotional maturity to place blame where it belongs or try and understand how you have been wronged.
Are they blaming your dad for leaving?
I’m guessing not.
Your mother knew the likely outcome of what she was doing and I’m guessing she is using that as justification for how she’s behaved.
I can understand not wanting to face your fears.
The point that changes is when your kids health is compromised.
NTA. You didn’t ruin anything the lies did. Your mom made a selfish choice years ago, and now the truth finally caught up. You searched for answers to help your health, not to hurt anyone. It’s heartbreaking, but you deserved the truth, and your dad deserved it too. None of this is your fault
NTA. Your mom is the one who created this mess. She chose her lie instead of helping you with your medical issue. What kind of mother does that? As for your siblings, tell them to grow up. They would have done the same thing if they went through what you did.
NTA. You did NOT ruin their marriage. Your mother did that all by herself by basing their marriage on a foundation of lies. It was bound to crumble.
I’m glad you got your medical history and two awesome dad’s. Hopefully your siblings will come around. If not, that’s still not your fault and you can just be no contact with them, and your egg donor.
NTA
Your mom should be ashamed. She cares more about her sex life than her own child.
I’m glad you got the info you needed for your health and the truth. Your mom deserves all the shit she’s getting.
NTA. None of what transpired was your fault.. your mum 100% her fault.
Not your fault. This is what should happen when lies like that are told, it should have happened a lot sooner.
I just can’t imagine any mom choosing to let her child suffer with illness over this stupid lie. You need to get well, get a job , and move out as swiftly on as possible.
And, therapy. Someone impartial to talk to can really help keep peace in your heart.
Nta, your mom built a collapsible house of lies, and they are tumbling down upon her!
Being at the center of the horrible, high risk mess your mom created has to be very isolating. I’m so sorry. Your siblings will probably have their own negative experiences over time with your mother, especially if you’re able to remove yourself from the situation. People that are constantly dishonest like this aren’t able to maintain normal relationships. Watch out for and avoid triangulation! Sounds like both your dads are solid guys. Very happy for you!
Nta, idk what the health complication is but would your mom have let you die to keep her secret?
The fact that you even need to ask this before leading into the whole story has me on your side. Then I read the story and it just validates everything. I’m sorry to hear that your mom raised you to think that it’s even close to possible that you’re in the wrong here. All you did was try to save your own life; something that she, your own mother, wasn’t willing to do. That’s going to need a lot of years to work through. Good luck.
NTA. Kiddo, your mom withheld info that was medically necessary. That’s not on you.
Your Mom should have realized with all the 🧬 DNA tests available,she would be Found Out! Especially when it concerns a medical problem! I hope you are able to have a good relationship with Both Dads! You are not at fault she was the one who LIED,putting your life in jeopardy! I hope your siblings come to understand that!
I mean, we live in the age of genetic testing, where if your condition is genetic it’s a question of insurance authorization, not we’ll test different treatments and figure out if the side effects are worth it.
>My siblings blame me for it because they know what went down between us all.
“How did I make mom lie?”
Listen OP, your search for you Bio dad HAS NOT ruined your parent’s marriage, you mother’s years of lies and deception did !
Your dad is right, your mother would rather see you suffer from a genetic disease than admitting her wrongdoings, I’m shocked at how selfish she is !
I’m sorry your siblings are blaming you, I hope one day (hopefully, sooner than later) they see the situation for what it realy is : your mother’s lies put your health at risk and broke your dad’s trust. It’s not your fault, they don’t see it yet (and they might never see it, especially if your mother is trying to pin them against you and your dad) but I hope they’ll understand that nothing in this situation is your fault.
You also complain that your relationship with your mom is ruined but honestly she’s the kind of person one would rather keep out of their life. It’s hard to understand right now but your life will be better without her in it, no matter how painful it is, the damages she has already done selfishly are telling of the damages she will do selfishly if given the chance later on.
So your sibs and your mom are blaming you for mom’s lies…
So nta.
NTA – your Mom put her own comfort above your wellbeing. Your ongoing health has been impacted so that she didn’t get found out.
If I was your dad (not bio) I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who risked your life that way. I’m not surprised he’s taken it so seriously. You mother had all the answers right in front of her, and she chose herself.
Your bio dad – I’m sure he’s gutted, no only from missing out on being your father but also that you spent all your life thinking that he had so little regard.
What your mom did may have been a split second decision, but she perpetuated the lie, reinforced it and put you at risk.
I would like to add, none of this is anyone’s fault but your mother’s. Although honorable mention to the aunt who ALSO knew and didn’t speak up when her nephew’s health was at risk.
On the plus side, you have a more solid route forwards with your health, a bio dad who is happy you exist (to the extent that he will offer himself up for your wellbeing) and a father who when faced with his wife’s ability to lie and negatively effect your life, decided he couldn’t stand her selfishness.
I’m sorry for the pain this has caused all of you, none of you deserve it – except for your mother. She deserves more for putting you through years of medical issues that could have been managed much sooner.
Best of luck OP, hope you and the dad’s manage to stay strong and get through this.
NTA. You didn’t ruin your parents’ marriage. Your mom did because she’s a liar.
NTA! This is all on your mom, 100%!
NTA. Your siblings’ judgement is clouded by emotion. You haven’t done anything wrong.
NTA it’s crazy that your siblings are blaming you instead of your Mom for what happened
NTA. Your siblings are your dad’s children I assume so they’re at the very least a couple years younger than you are. They’re younger teenagers than you and as such they tend to react more emotionally and lashing out because (not all of them but majority) lack the maturity to understand that your mother lied and was extremely selfish for something that was ACTIVELY hurting you. Physically making you unwell and she didn’t care. Makes you wonder if it was life or death, since your bio dad says he could be a donor, it’s at least seriously life altering, if it was life or death who knows if she would have reached out to your bio dad or not.
Honey I know you deep down know this but with other people in your life telling it to you is not easy to keep perspective keep in mind. YOU didn’t do ANYTHING WRONG. You were trying to get answers for your health after your mother deliberately lied to you. Your siblings eventually will understand. The only person who did wrong here and should make herself accountable is your mother. You didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA. Your mother is. She was willing to see you suffer as long as she kept her secret. What mother does this? What a despicable thing to do. None of this is your fault. Do not put any weight on the opinion of your siblings. They are accusing the wrong person of villainy. On the upside, you have two great Dads. Wising you the best.
I am very sorry about your situation but this is the wrong sub. I think you just need therapy and a place to talk about it. You clearly know you aren’t the ah in this situation.
NTA. You didn’t ruin it, she did.
NTA and you are not to blame!!!!!
You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. This is entirely on your mom. She is pretty sick to let you suffer more for years just so she could keep up her lies.
Your siblings certainly inherited your mom’s selfishness. They’d rather have lived with a lie & let you suffer more than have the truth. Hopefully they will get over themselves & develop some basic compassion about your need for medical info that may help save your life.
I’m glad your aunt finally prodded you to do the DNA research, though she (& your mom) sat on it for 6 YEARS.
Your bio dad stepped up & sounds like a responsible man who’s concerned about you. I hope he proves to be someone you like & wants to know you more. Your dad is a good man, too. He loves you & cannot stay with someone who did this to you for no reason other than her ego.
Wishing you the very best as you adjust to these changes, & esp that your health improves.
Updateme
NTA. Genes matter. People act like biological links are irrelevant, they are in fact deeply important.
Nope your mom dug her grave and now she’s dealing with the consequences
NTA – for me I would fully cut contact with my mom and maternal aunt.
You have two dads now that will likely support you at some level
Very likely your non-biodad did not know of your mother’s cheating past either. I would’ve lost respect for her just knowing that alone, never mind all the other lies.
So no surprise he wanted to divorce her after all this.
That’s quite a betrayal and to put your life at risk to cover her lies is a very serious asshole move.
Your aunt is also an asshole, even though she did eventually come through. She could’ve saved you a lot of grief and misery if she had come forward earlier.
NTA. The woman you were describing in this post is proven a liar, a manipulator, and a cheat; based on her past behavior, I don’t understand how any of you could ever trust her in any context or capacity again. That she has made your life materially worse in multiple major ways for her own vanity essentially?? I’m glad you have two good dads, because you seem to have zero good moms.
Mom is the only A
NTA, it’s not your fault. Your mother is to blame for everything by lying to everyone. Her mother destroyed her marriage and her stepfather is right to get a divorce
NTA. The fallout between your dad and your mom IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your mom is the only one to blame here, she betrayed you, your bio dad and your dad. You have 0 fault here and I hope you know that. Your siblings will grow up and hopefully see the truth of that, bear in mind they are also shaken and hurt and hurt causes irrationality.
you are unequivocally NTA. Unfortunately your mother’s pants have been on fire for a very long time now, but it’s absolutely not your fault she lied for decades AND stunted your health journey bc of her own selfishness. I hope your siblings can understand one day since it took you being very brave and risk this outcome and I also hope your Dad (assuming they are his children also) would help smooth that over.
NTA. I hope your step dad gets custody of you and that that your siblings come around. I also hope you’re able to continue this positive relationship with the bio dad and new side of the family.
I also wish you the best of luck on the health stuff.
With any luck, therapy for everyone will shed some light and help cope. (Siblings especially)
NTA, your mom ruined the family with her lies. This also seems to be what she does, she lies to cover her mistakes and now they are catching up to her. Now you know that you can not trust her ever. Therapy would be good.
NTA, I’ve never heard of someone as selfish as your mother. She lied sure she wanted to preserve her image in front of u and her husband your dad . But when your life is on the line she should have came clean the fact that she kept lying and hiding the truth is beyond fucked up . Your siblings are hurt because thier family just got broken but when they get older they will realise that u did the right thing and that they’re blaming the wrong person
Nta clearly your mother would rather her child suffer than be uncomfortable and truthful with her husband. She wasn’t a mentally healthy woman and I’m sure you will need therapy to untangle this mess
I hope you fully recover your health. But this situation has shown you a part of your mother’s character she has tried to hide . In doing so she put your health at risk to continue to hide her secrets. It’s not your fault your parents marriage is broken. It’s your mum’s. Your dad now knows your mum lied through out their relationship. And he wonders what else she’s lied to him and others about . And whether she’s been unfaithful to him as well. By her actions she also robbed you of a.childhood relationship with your bio-dad .And it appears she cheated on bio-dad, monkey-branched onto the side-guy ,got dumped by him, before monkey-branching onto your dad . Then she hid it until you found out. You are NTA,so is your bio-dad . But your mum is ATA . So too are your siblings but they have an excuse because they can’t accept your mum’s the cause of this situation. So until she accepts responsibility and accountability for her actions, and tells your extended family it’sall her fault she has to remain identified as an A$$hole . I hope you continue to have a good relationship with your dad and develop one with your bio-dad.
NTA and honestly DNA test for your siblings and dad!! Your mum cannot be trusted!
NTA that’s evil of her to do
Nope, NTA, none of this is your fault. Your mom made choices repeatedly and those choices have consequences as she’s finding out. That she put your health in danger in this way is… An abomination. I don’t have the words for it. It’s not how a parent should act. If I was her husband I would absolutely divorce her, if I were you I would at least go low contact. Go low contact with siblings that blame you as well. You deserve to have this health information, regardless of the effect on your mom’s marriage. All of this is because of your mom’s choices, not yours. Congratulations on having two caring parents in your life, even if they’re both fathers.