I (22M) went to a Japanese restaurant with my friend (21F). She ordered a small bowl of miso soup and a beer. I ordered the same, with an additional cocktail. I finished my order within 20–35 minutes. My friend, on the other hand, was still eating her food. I decided to wait. After a while, I commented that she should not force herself to finish the food if she can’t. She replied that she’s not forcing herself and that she is just waiting for the food to go down — and that it will be easier since it’s only liquid food and not solid food. We argued for a bit more and then moved on from the subject. The waiter came by with the bill, and she is still eating. After a while, she decided not to finish the miso soup and commented how the “carbonation from the beer was making her stomach tight.” I then responded by repeating her words of only needing to “wait for the liquid to go down.” We left when the restaurant was about to close down. She still didn’t finish her food. This wasn’t a big deal, but there was a little bit of tension at the time. Am I the asshole?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (22M) went to a Japanese restaurant with my friend (21F). She ordered a small bowl of miso soup and a beer. I ordered the same, with an additional cocktail. I finished my order within 20–35 minutes. My friend, on the other hand, was still eating her food. I decided to wait. After a while, I commented that she should not force herself to finish the food if she can’t. She replied that she’s not forcing herself and that she is just waiting for the food to go down — and that it will be easier since it’s only liquid food and not solid food. We argued for a bit more and then moved on from the subject. The waiter came by with the bill, and she is still eating. After a while, she decided not to finish the miso soup and commented how the “carbonation from the beer was making her stomach tight.” I then responded by repeating her words of only needing to “wait for the liquid to go down.” We left when the restaurant was about to close down. She still didn’t finish her food. This wasn’t a big deal, but there was a little bit of tension at the time. Am I the asshole?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) me rushing my friend to finish her food and then using her own words against her (2) pacing how other eats and then being a bit passive-aggressive about them not finishing the food is a bit authoritative. Policing how others is a bit rude.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH and no where in your story did you rush her
How big was the bowl?
Here is Australia, a small bowl of miso soup is less than a cup, less than 100ml. A very small side that you could easily eat in a minute or two.
Taking this much time and waiting for it to go down sounds insane and I would say NTA… but surely you must be talking about a large bowl…
NTA, but also — I have to ask — why just sides of soup??
NTA…But if your friend cannot even eat miso soup within a half hour, does she have health issues? If she has not been checked out, she should see a doctor.
I have chronic acid reflux. I have swallowing problems due to having this since a child but only diagnosed in my late 30s. I chew my food carefully but even I do not take that long for soup and a beer.
Which, alcohol is usually a no no for stomach issues, although I can drink in moderation.
My boyfriend is a slow eater. He likes a big full plate and he chews very thoroughly. He likes to set his fork down once in a while. Doesn’t bother me at all. My best friend however, is a food hoover. Finishes an entire plate in minutes and then acts like everyone else is taking too long. If we’re at their house, they will start clearing the table around us lol.
I’m wondering if your friend has health issues. I have a family member with esophagus allergy issues, and digesting can be a chore. Eating at a normal speed can still cause them agony because their body doesn’t process it like it should, and swallowing is difficult. This sounds like a NAH situation, but your friend might have more going on than just taking her time.
NTA, but I’m tempted to say ESH because I genuinely don’t understand why people go out to eat if they don’t have at least an hour to spend at the restaurant. Part of the experience is talking to each other and enjoying your food together. Like, why not take the food home if you don’t want to be at the restaurant for longer than 20-30 minutes/the time it takes you to finish your food? And why eat-in at a restaurant so close to closing time in the first place?
It’s cheaper and there are no time constraints to just make food and eat at home or at the park. But you pay extra for the food to be cooked for you, served to you, and for the atmosphere of the restaurant, which is why you generally take your time.
NTA I can’t fathom taking more than thirty minutes to finish a bowl of miso soup unless where you live it’s served in much greater quantities than I’m used to.
Y’all are eating miso soup as a meal??
I’m gonna be a little controversial here and say I think a soft YTA.
This was such a minor thing but you escalated it by continuing to bring it up. She gave you a reason she was eating slow, why push the issue?
This feels fake. Miso soup isn’t usually served in large portions and is mostly broth. If it was served with the crispy bits in it, those things turn to mush almost instantly. What was she eating at almost an hour? A cold bowl of bean broth, tofu, seaweed porridge?
She had one beer that she was nursing and her stomach was tight? Sure….
.Does she have an eating disorder?
And waiting for the food to go down? Chick is taking in 90% liquid.
ESH. If this is real.
Sounds like maybe an eating disorder but hard to tell based on one event. Not normal though.
YTA, what does her not being able to finish her food have to do with you ?? This is such a weird complaint.
YTA. Why do you feel the need to police the speed she eats? As someone who’s a slow eater and often can’t finish food, it’s really annoying when someone does this. What did you gain from rushing her? If you can’t be bothered to spend time with her, leave.
this is weird, but i think slightly YTA. meaning you might be accidentally being insensitive. missing context on her relationship to food, digestion etc. she might have something that requires her to take her time w a meal, either mental or physical. maybe those are the questions you might wanna ask instead of getting pissed off at her
I think your friend has an eating disorder.
NTA but your friend has an eating disorder
People eat at different speeds. That’s fine.
Making a comment , that’s fine.
Bringing it up again and again, that’s not fine.
I grew up in a “if you didn’t eat fast, you didn’t eat” household.
YTA
Did it take you 20 minutes to eat a cup of soup? Because it must have been stone cold by the time you finished it.
Could be a medical issue. I had gastroparesis, and there were days I could only eat liquids, and even then, yes I avoided carbonated beverages because of the overly full feeling from the carbonation. If it is a medical issue, she can’t help it. Be patient, it’s not a race. Enjoy her company and chat even if you’re done eating.
How long were you at the restaurant altogether? Did the staff have to wait on you to close?
Info: why was the waiter bringing the bill when she was still eating? This is just rude…
YTA.
Personally, anytime I eat soup it takes me longer than if I ate something more substantial. Also, I drink beer and/or cocktails – but especially beer relatively slowly. I honestly want a beer to last me at least 30 minutes because I am a lightweight and I don’t want to be tipsy walking out of dinner – especially with such a small/light dinner. So, I find it odd that you at the bowl of soup, drank a beer, and drank a cocktail all in 35 minutes. I would not feel comfortable driving if I was in your shoes having had 2 drinks in less than 1 hour.
You don’t need to use quotations around rushing….you did rush your friend and then argued with her about it. I would be really put off if someone commented on how slowly I was eating. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable eating around them again unless I had to. I think you were rude.
If I go out to eat with someone, I expect it to take an hour as a minimum to give time to sit down, get drinks, order food, drink the drinks, eat the food, and ultimately socialize. Sometimes, we sit and talk after the meal for a period of time too depending on the person and whatever time constraints we have for the day. The server bringing the bill while you finish is not some big sign of her taking a long time. That is pretty common and has no impact on my meal.
You said “This wasn’t a big deal, but there was a little bit of tension at the time.” You made this a big deal.
If you go out to eat with friends in the future, relax, enjoy the meal, socialize with your friends, and stop worrying about how long someone is taking unless you have a specific time obligation after the meal.
YTA It sounds like she might have a medical issue.
It sounds like she had some sort of gastric surgery. You can’t scarf down food, and anything carbonated will feel like it takes up room which results in the person taking in less nutrition because they feel full. Those surgeries, while life saving for some, can have some big consequences. While this is pure speculation based on your description of her eating and comments, like others have stated, it sounds like there’s a health reason behind her eating methods.
This sounds like a one-time incident. YTA for making it such a big deal. It doesn’t sound like you enjoyed their company much, or just expected them to meet your pace and move on to whatever. If you had plans after the meal, and her eating practices impeded your ability to do said activity she could fall into the asshole category for not respecting the existing plans.
For what it’s worth, I always treat lunches or dinners, or any meet up with a friend as a reason to catch up, with the food being the addition to our conversation, not the main reason for our meeting.
YTA.
My aunt was a very slow eater. She just enjoyed taking her time and savoring her food. My uncle used to gently tease her by saying ‘she could make a banquet out of a sandwich’. He never goaded her to eat faster. Rather, he would have another cup of coffee, and if they were out for dinner, he might even order dessert! What he never did was was embarrass her. His teasing was gentle and full of love and respect, and most importantly, she knew that.
You attacked your friend and made her feel uncomfortable. Your haranguing comments to her made finishing her meal more difficult. If she has medical concerns that you are aware of, your criticism was wholly unwarranted. If she does have medical concerns, and has chosen not to share them with you, it is perhaps because you are less than supportive of a friend.
YTA. When you drink any type of alcohol it’s pretty hard to eat or drink anything. Since this had carbonation she was likely bloated. She told you what was happening and you argued with her about it. What else is she supposed to do? Scarf the food down and potentially throw up all over the table and you?
Did you even want to go to the restaurant to begin with?
Maybe she was eating slow and drinking a beer slow because she wanted to spend more time with you? There’s no context here just that she’s a friend. Is she a new friend, old friend, potentially new girlfriend?
YTA. I don’t see why how fast your friend was eating was winding you up. There was no need for bickering. If you had to leave just maybe say, please feel free to stay and enjoy your meal but I need to head off. Or just stay and enjoy time with your friend.
Info- how long were you at the restaurant overall? Did you have plans to do something else afterwards?
Yes you are
YTA and so is the restaurant- why are they giving you the bill before you finished eating?
I mean sometimes i go to hot spots, where they have shots seatings (2 hours) but it seems like you and the restaurant had the time, so there’s no need to rush or leave before they are to close. The point of going out for dinner is to hang out and talk while you also get some food. Don’t you like spending time with your friend?
ESH. I’m demolishing a small miso soup in 1.75 minutes flat. 20-25 minutes to eat that sounds like an eating disorder, not a lunch.
Idk why people are saying YTA when you literally said that you went around closing time. If that is the case then you both are Kinda AH for not taking your miso soup to go and buying your beers from a store?
Like yeah it’s not cool to rush people who are eating, but you know what also sucks? Taking forever when a place is trying to close. Does your friend realize that they have stomach issues? If so then…why don’t they account for that? Like yeah having stomach issues sucks, but you know what also sucks?
Having to wait for customers to leave when you are trying to close. Idk if you had more time then you might have thought hence why you finished fast, but either way your friend needs to see a doctor or something, I think.
So, I don’t disagree with mentioning that they might need to pack it up even if I disagree with rushing people. If your friend is aware of their stomach issues and did that anyways the they are an AH, because they should I take that into account when heading to a place that is CLOSING.
OToh, they are only hurting themselves in the long run. If there‘a something else like an eating disorder or gastric bypass then they should still have been aware of that and taking it into account.
All, I’m saying is that please if there’s that little time before the place has to close maybe best not to take so long…
ESH
Why do you care how fast she eats? She’s taking her time and enjoying her meal. The point of going out to a restaurant with a friend is supposed to be to enjoy each other’s company, not rush out of there as fast as possible. If you had somewhere to be you could explain that and leave, but YTA for rushing her.
NTA.
If it was seriously so long that the restaurant started closing down and the waiter gave you your bill before she was finished, that indicates to me that she was taking too long.
She things she was saying about waiting for the food to go down and the carbonation making her stomach tight makes me think she has health issues like GERD or an eating disorder.
What’s happening here is a mismatch of needs. You have a need for a shorter meal time, she has a need for a longer meal time.
Making you sit there watching her eat for an excessive amount of time was unfair to you and personally I think it was a little bit rude. You “rushing her” was actually you gently trying to let her know that you were uncomfortable. Personally, if I were her, I would have taken the cue from you and wrapped it up. Going out to eat is a social thing and ignoring your date getting more and more uncomfortable while you nurse your miso for 45+ minutes is insane.
ESH- Rushing someone to finish their food is rude but it took her until closing time to finish eating, which is excessive.
Just leave and don’t go out with this friend again. She was probably just as annoyed with you too
Y’all went out to dinner and had an argument in public over how fast/slow one of you ate?? I don’t even understand why you’re friends.
YTA-It’s healthier for digestion to eat meals slowly. In most places outside the US people eat for hours. It’s super shitty to give your friend a hard time about eating after 30 minutes. Wasn’t this a social event? I find this only thing very weird and rude.
Yeah you got it all wrong. YTA leave them alone or don’t go to restaurants with them
NAH but it sounds like she might have food issues. Miso soup is not difficult to eat.
Kinda YTA. I have a slow eating friend. Usually I just order more food and laptop her LOL
YTA.
I have a stomach condition called gastroparesis which makes eating and drinking very difficult for me. Nothing is worse than going out to eat with friends and them all hounding me about not eating enough/fast enough. I physically can’t. I’ve stopped eating out with anyone who isn’t close family because of this and yes, it really sucks.
YTA. Why tf does her speed of eating matter? I’ve been at restaurants where I felt myself possibly getting queasy, so I slowed down my eating to allow things to settle so I could still enjoy hanging out. You didn’t need to argue with her or direct what she does or doesn’t eat. She’s not your child
YTA, worrying about the pace somebody is eating is just a bit weird.
Yes. What was the rush?
YTA. Insufferable tbh. Why do you care so much? If you wanted to be done in 30min, you should’ve hopped in the fucking McDonalds drive thru.
YTA
Personally I am a fast eater. Most meals don’t take me more than 15 minutes. I am not rude or shoving food into my mouth but I can eat fairly quickly and still hang out and talk while I do.
If you are out eating with friends and you find yourself to be the first person finished then good for you. You don’t rush someone or comment on whether they can finish the food or not.
You make conversation and enjoy their company, if the place is close to closing and they still haven’t finished or the bill comes to the table then you could suggest politely that your friend get the remainder of the meal to go. That is the only time it would be okay ro bring it up and be the polite thing to do because if you don’t then you and your friend are affecting the staff at the restaurant who either need the table for new guests or who are waiting to close down and go home.
lol wtf, kinda weird here. If one of my friends was taking forever to eat and we wanted to leave we would tell him to hurry the fuck up and finish so we can go or throw it away. Honestly it’s crazy reading how you people interact with others.
Info: How small was the miso soup to actually take 30mins to finish even for you?
how long were you really at the restaurant in total?
was this the first time you went out to “eat” with that friend?
this doesnt sound normal, i wonder if she has some kind of health problem.
If your friend’s food isn’t going down, she may have, I shit you not, hypertonic sphincter and/or achalasia. She needs to see a gastroenterologist.
Signed,
It’s not heartburn it’s a fist of pain
My mother takes a very long time to eat, too. Always has. An hour is not unreasonable but longer than that it’s time to bag up the food and go because it is taking a table.