Okay, that sounds horrible, I know.
This is a throwaway account since I hate having personal info on my main(s).
To preface this, I (16ftm) started living with my grandma (61f) at 11 because my parents are unfit to care (abusers, alcoholics, drug users). I learnt defensiveness, anger issues, and yelling from my mother in the time I lived with her.
When I first moved in, these behaviours were clear, and I yelled for every little thing. I’ve gotten better, but I’m still horrible, and I’m still at fault for those times and the times I do so now.
When I first moved in, I yelled at everything. I’ve improved, but I still slip up. The problem is, my grandma yells right back. I vividly remember her calling me a “b!tch” and “f*cking retard” when I was 14/15. I’m guilty too, I’ve called her a “b!tch” and an “@sshole.” We get into screaming matches and never talk them out. If I try apologising (then leave), or explaining, it just becomes another fight.
She also ignores boundaries, even after I’ve talked or yelled at her to respect them. (I.e. barging into my room, commenting on my looks after I asked her not to, and saying I can’t be a boy because I wear “girls’ clothes.”)
Also, at 13 I said I’m trans and now want to start T, but she refuses, says it has “long-term effects” that would “affect her” or “what if you regret it?” She insists she isn’t trans-/homo-phobic, but she’s made comments. I chalk this up to her age.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love her. She provides food, clothes, and shelter, but I see that as the bare minimum for a child. She claims “[I] do nothing around the house” and she’s “the only one who cleans.” Despite the fact that I also cook daily (unless at work or busy with school), walk our dog 1-2km every day, clean the cats’ litter, the rabbits’ cage, and do whatever else she asks. Even when she goes on week-long vacations, I handle the entire house with a some help from my brother.
Reminder: I still yell, get angry, and sometimes delay chores. I know I share fault, but I still dislike the things she does.
With all of that, I’m planning to move out next year for post-secondary. She kept insisting on moving with me to “save costs,” even after I said I’d rather live with friends. She told me I’d “get sick of them,” and got upset at me for changing my career goals “too many times” (I switched it 3 times. I wanted to be a pilot at 12, a psychiatrist at 13, a carpenter at 14, and now a neurologist at 16.) It took my other older brother, who already goes to uni, sternly telling her it’s normal to change my mind since it’s a big decision before she even slightly backed off. She insisted a few more times, before I finally told her “look, I love you, grandma. But we argue all the time and I don’t like living with you because of it. I want to go on my own.” She didn’t like that, and we’re still in an argument because of it. I don’t think I was being that unreasonable.
AITA for saying I don’t want to live with my grandma?
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Okay, that sounds horrible, I know.
This is a throwaway account since I hate having personal info on my main(s).
To preface this, I (16ftm) started living with my grandma (61f) at 11 because my parents are unfit to care (abusers, alcoholics, drug users). I learnt defensiveness, anger issues, and yelling from my mother in the time I lived with her.
When I first moved in, these behaviours were clear, and I yelled for every little thing. I’ve gotten better, but I’m still horrible, and I’m still at fault for those times and the times I do so now.
When I first moved in, I yelled at everything. I’ve improved, but I still slip up. The problem is, my grandma yells right back. I vividly remember her calling me a “b!tch” and “f*cking retard” when I was 14/15. I’m guilty too, I’ve called her a “b!tch” and an “@sshole.” We get into screaming matches and never talk them out. If I try apologising (then leave), or explaining, it just becomes another fight.
She also ignores boundaries, even after I’ve talked or yelled at her to respect them. (I.e. barging into my room, commenting on my looks after I asked her not to, and saying I can’t be a boy because I wear “girls’ clothes.”)
Also, at 13 I said I’m trans and now want to start T, but she refuses, says it has “long-term effects” that would “affect her” or “what if you regret it?” She insists she isn’t trans-/homo-phobic, but she’s made comments. I chalk this up to her age.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love her. She provides food, clothes, and shelter, but I see that as the bare minimum for a child. She claims “[I] do nothing around the house” and she’s “the only one who cleans.” Despite the fact that I also cook daily (unless at work or busy with school), walk our dog 1-2km every day, clean the cats’ litter, the rabbits’ cage, and do whatever else she asks. Even when she goes on week-long vacations, I handle the entire house with a some help from my brother.
I’ll say, I still yell, get angry, and sometimes delay chores. I know I share fault, but I still dislike at the things she does.
With all of that, I’m planning to move out next year for post-secondary. She kept insisting on moving with me to “save costs,” even after I said I’d rather live with friends. She told me I’d “get sick of them,” and got upset at me for changing my career goals “too many times” (I switched it 3 times. I wanted to be a pilot at 12, a psychiatrist at 13, a carpenter at 14, and now a neurologist at 16.) It took my other older brother, who already goes to uni, sternly telling her it’s normal to change my mind since it’s a big decision before she even slightly backed off. She insisted a few more times, before I finally told her “look, I love you, grandma. But we argue all the time and I don’t like living with you because of it. I want to go on my own.” She didn’t like that, and we’re still in an argument because of it. I don’t think I was being that unreasonable.
AITA for saying I don’t want to live with my grandma?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. the action of me saying I do not wish to live with a specific person (my grandma) and 2. me saying I don’t wish to live with my grandma, since it is kind of an asshole thing to say
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It can be hard living in an environment like that, genuinely. My mom was always the most together parent we knew, she still drank, yelled, threw things. When it was just me and her I was like “hey at least it’s just her saying awful things to me and not any of the other stuff I had to deal with.” Then I moved in with my friends, people who treat me with respect and kindness. I realized I never knew how good life could be until I lived with people who cared.
Long story short, kids grow up. You are growing up, you will find your people, ones who love and cherish you. Nta and hang in there it gets so much better.
yta not for desiring freedom, for your anger issues. grannies an old crank, as you will be one day if you don’t change course. get help, keep trying to deal with her verbal abuse. choose a path to true freedom. be well
NTA, not at all. It’s normal to want to go off on your own. How else are you going to learn what parts of your childhood were normal and what parts weren’t? How else are you going to plan your future and figure out who you are without them influencing you?
It’s a normal step and your Grandmother knows this too. She’s just trying to guilt you into staying because for her the verbal abuse is normal, so it doesn’t really bother her. Maybe she never got a chance to get away from her abusers, but that’s not your problem to solve. Go do your thing. Congratulations on growing up and becoming who you want to be. You’ll look back on this with zero guilt when you’re old because you’d expect your grands to take off, too, even if the house is peaceful.
Work hard on that anger issue, especially if you’re going to be taking T. You don’t want to be chasing away your roommates and friends before you’re even settled in.
YTA – it’s clear she is trying to protect you. She took you in when you had nowhere to go, has given you stability, cares about your long term future both in terms of your body and career. She puts up with your anger issues… and you throw it back in her face saying you want to move out. She didn’t have to do any of that. Yes she’s old school and struggles with her own issues, but she obviously wants the best for you, cut her some slack.
And to be frank you shouldn’t be living with anyone else until you get your anger issues sorted. Your friends won’t be as forgiving as your grandma has been.
NTA for wanting a fresh start away from your grandma who you argue with all the time. Good luck.
INFO: How will you support yourself financially if you move out?