My (30f) marriage to my ex (32m) ended during my pregnancy with our son who is now 8. We divorced formally when he was two months old. But we separated at the very beginning of the pregnancy and co-parented our daughter, who is now 10, throughout that time, as difficult as it was. After the divorce was over things turned more sour and we avoided each other except for exchanges.
Two and a half years after our divorce was finalized he introduced me to his then-girlfriend now wife (33f) at a custody exchange. At first she seemed nice enough and I had no problem with her. I even thought she was nicer than him. But something I didn’t know at the time was she took offense to me handing the kids to my ex instead of offering her one or both of them. I found this out two months later when our daughter’s pre-school had their play and she accused me of hogging my son throughout the performance and not giving her the chance to hold him. Then she brought up the exchange. She told me she was going to be their mommy too and I needed to get over my selfish hogging of our children, and by our she meant, hers, mine and ex’s. My ex stood back and said nothing. I told her that I wasn’t hogging anyone and at the exchange I did what I always do when the kids go to their dad. She told me I just didn’t want to accept that soon enough I’d be number two mom and maybe they’d eventually call me by my first name and she’d be mom.
After that she was tense whenever we attended the same event and the kids weren’t exactly happy to see her, something my ex said was all my fault because I didn’t offer to let her hold our son, etc. Then she reported me to CPS with several false allegations of abuse. Her claims were wild and CPS cleared me of all wrongdoing. They said the report was anonymous but then my ex’s girlfriend told me it was disgusting that anyone could clear me and that she knew better and then she said she’d prove I didn’t deserve my kids.
Following on from that they booked their wedding on my custody time and it was when I had plans for us pre-arranged. I refused to cancel and told them to blame my ex since he had the schedule and calendar same as me. We always had a shared one through an app that told us who’s week it was and what plans that couldn’t be changed were. My commitment was first. They kept the date and got married without the kids there which I was hated for.
His wife has been vile to me ever since. She makes disgusting comments about my appearance and has called me a prostitute many times. She tried to turn my ex’s family against me and when it didn’t work she tried to accuse me of parental alienation of the children. For years I have heard that the kids aren’t as bonded with her as ex would expect or as they want the kids to be and they only want me. Ex tried to get more custody as a result and the judge told him there was no cause for an increase from 50-50 custody which we had from the beginning.
Ex brought up the conversation again last month when we had an IEP meeting for our son. He told me that his wife has been around the kids since they were very young and she should be second mom to them but they always correct him or her when they call her that and they say she’s not to others who call her their mom too. He told me I could be kinder to her and help with that. He said as a mom it’s my job to make sure all the kids parents are respected and loved and treated well. And he told me she takes good care of our kids so I owe her some help with this. I told him I owe her nothing and to go back to those CPS allegations and realize I will never owe her or like her.
Then via the app just a couple of weeks ago my ex said he feels like I’m glad our kids don’t call her mom or consider her their second mom. He told me that I’m just being petty and an asshole when I could be thinking of the kids best interest. And that saying I owe his wife nothing is a bad attitude to hold as well. I won’t lie, I am crazy happy the kids aren’t super into this woman. I have never discouraged it and I always keep them out of drama the best that I can and by that I mean, I can’t influence what they see or hear at their dad’s house. But I am quietly super happy. Ex isn’t wrong about how I feel.
AITA for saying I owe his wife nothing and for being glad my kids don’t consider her their second mom?
Comments
no, u r not the ah. after everything she did, u don’t owe her anything. it’s ok to feel relieved the kids don’t see her as a second mom. u didn’t force it, they chose that on their own.
NTA. She tried to force it. She failed. She tried to get your kids removed from your care, she doesn’t get help from your end after that.
You don’t owe his wife anything, especially after she tried to weaponize CPS against you, insulted you for years, and actively tried to undermine your role as their mom. It’s pretty telling that your kids on their own don’t see her as a second mom, despite how long she’s been around
I’d tell him to suck a dick but that’s just me. NTA
Is it just me who notices that the whipped ex is only thinking of himself and his wife and not OP? He stood by while OP was called vile things…stood by and did nothing when his wife tried to steal OP’s children but somehow it’s OP who owes his wife??? Yo…
Well done OP. NTA
NTA
Being considered a second mom is a highly privilege that she hasn’t earn. She should reflect on her behaviour with the kids and with you, the actual kids’ mom to understand why she is more the evil stepmother than a good second mom. NTA
NTA in the slightest. This other woman is crazy!!! If she wants to be called mummy so badly then she can have kids of her own. You should remind your ex that you raised your kids to think for themselves so if they don’t like the other woman then that’s on her. Fuck what they think!!! That woman is in for a shock when your kids are adults and they speak up for themselves. Your ex is a pussy and quite clearly under the thumb
Ask your ex to explain how his wife reporting you to cps was in the best interest of the kids? Ask him if he thinks those allegations were true and if not were those false allegations really in the best interest of your kids? And how can he live with an advocate for someone who does all these bat shit crazy things? Surely love can’t be this blind.
Tell him you are your kids mom and his wife is just someone who is acting cruelly towards you and your entire motherhood and trying to take your kids away. You don’t owe him or his crazy wife anything
NTA.
‘maybe they’d eventually call me by my first name and she’d be mom.’ In her dreams, maybe. She’s a bit delulu about all this, which must put pressure on the kids.
It’s good that you try to keep them out of it, but make sure they know they can come to you with any issues with her. Because issues there will be.
Nth – not even close
NTA your ex and his crazy wife are, hold your boundaries, stick to your schedule, record EVERYTHING. People like her do not stop unless they are made to, you may need to have everything documented. This will get worse before it gets better.
NTA Tell the ex to go play in traffic and tell the wife to go hug a cactus.
Updateme
NTA! I would actually try to talk to the children to make sure she is actually taking good care of them and not badmouthing you.
Sounds like it’s only really important to her so she can irritate you!! Another way of her sticking it to you!! The kids have a mother… you and she doesn’t need to be called Mom
You need to be careful not to document your internal thoughts with your ex.
Very reasonable to think this
Better to not respond or say let’s focus on the kids
NTA
NTA – if the kids don’t like her, then it’s most likely her behavior that is at fault.
NTA people need to learn they can’t force the “steps” on anyone. Not parents, not siblings, not kids, not aunts/uncles, and not grandparents. All trying to force it will do is hurt feelings. And for parents don’t get with people who won’t accept your kids.
NTA
So, did he expect to just replace you? It doesn’t work that way. You are their MOTHER. She is their step-parent. This isn’t a situation where the other person is a part-time weekend parent so a stepparent has to pick up the slack it’s 50/50 and they already have 2 parents.
You are NTA! The See You Next Tuesday made false allegations against you to CPS! Like WTF! Your ex should be happy that you are this calm …
NTA but you need to start documenting things, times, dates etc because I get a feeling she’s not going to give up.
Nta, but why have you not pursued parental alienation charges against her/them? Stepmom sounds horrible, jealous, and petty.