Hi everyone, this is a throwaway account. I just needed to get it off my chest and I’m hoping for some honest advice. I’m open to questions if anything isn’t clear. Stay safe out there <3
I (18F) have been best friends with “Clara” (18F) for years. We met in our last year of middle school and got close really fast. Late-night calls, inside jokes, all of it. She’s one of those people you grow up with and start to see like family.
Clara’s had a complicated home life. Her parents have never really been around and she’s been living with foster guardians for a while now. Because of everything she’s been through, she’s been in therapy since she was about 15. Her therapist, “Elise” (34), works with teens from the foster system and she’s been Clara’s therapist the whole time. She still is, technically.
Over the years, Clara talked about Elise a lot. How she understood her better than anyone else, how kind she was, how she felt safe with her. I thought it was good that she finally had someone she trusted.
A few months ago, Clara mentioned that they’d started meeting outside of sessions for coffee or lunch. She said Elise just wanted her to have some “normal experiences,” which already sounded off to me, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to seem unsupportive.
Then last week, Clara told me they’ve started seeing each other romantically. Apparently it began after her 18th birthday, and she made a point of saying it’s “legal.” She told me about their dates and how happy she finally feels. She looked lighter than I’d seen her in years.
But I also felt sick. That power dynamic was still there. I told Clara I thought the whole thing was inappropriate, and that Elise was crossing serious boundaries. Clara got defensive. She said I don’t understand what it’s like to finally feel loved, and that I was just being judgmental.
We argued. I raised my voice and said things I regret. I left before I made it worse. We haven’t really talked since. I feel awful. I keep thinking maybe I was too harsh. But another part of me keeps replaying everything and thinking, “if I don’t say something, who will?”
At the same time… I can’t deny that I feel replaced. She used to tell me everything. Now it’s like I don’t even know her anymore.
I don’t know if I should apologize or stand by what I said.
Am I the asshole?
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Hi everyone, this is a throwaway account. I just needed to get it off my chest and I’m hoping for some honest advice. I’m open to questions if anything isn’t clear. Stay safe out there <3
I (18F) have been best friends with “Clara” (18F) for years. We met in our last year of middle school and got close really fast. Late-night calls, inside jokes, all of it. She’s one of those people you grow up with and start to see like family.
Clara’s had a complicated home life. Her parents have never really been around and she’s been living with foster guardians for a while now. Because of everything she’s been through, she’s been in therapy since she was about 15. Her therapist, “Elise” (34), works with teens from the foster system and she’s been Clara’s therapist the whole time. She still is, technically.
Over the years, Clara talked about Elise a lot. How she understood her better than anyone else, how kind she was, how she felt safe with her. I thought it was good that she finally had someone she trusted.
A few months ago, Clara mentioned that they’d started meeting outside of sessions for coffee or lunch. She said Elise just wanted her to have some “normal experiences,” which already sounded off to me, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to seem unsupportive.
Then last week, Clara told me they’ve started seeing each other romantically. Apparently it began after her 18th birthday, and she made a point of saying it’s “legal.” She told me about their dates and how happy she finally feels. She looked lighter than I’d seen her in years.
But I also felt sick. That power dynamic was still there. I told Clara I thought the whole thing was inappropriate, and that Elise was crossing serious boundaries. Clara got defensive. She said I don’t understand what it’s like to finally feel loved, and that I was just being judgmental.
We argued. I raised my voice and said things I regret. I left before I made it worse. We haven’t really talked since. I feel awful. I keep thinking maybe I was too harsh. But another part of me keeps replaying everything and thinking, “if I don’t say something, who will?”
At the same time… I can’t deny that I feel replaced. She used to tell me everything. Now it’s like I don’t even know her anymore.
I don’t know if I should apologize or stand by what I said.
Am I the asshole?
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NTA you need to report this woman immediately. This reaks of grooming and is all kinds of unethical. Even if they were the same age and met as adults a therapist should never date a client it’s against every code of ethics there is.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> During our fight I lost my temper and said things I probably shouldn’t have. I told her that her relationship with her therapist was wrong and that she shouldn’t be with her, even though she seemed genuinely happy. I might be the asshole because instead of just letting her be happy, I confronted her and pushed my feelings on her. Now I feel like I scared her off and I don’t know if I was protecting her or just being controlling.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Assuming that she didn’t groom Clara(she did), Elise is still acting as unprofessionally as she possibly can. You are absolutely correct, this is extremely bad.
NTA
NTA. Clear ethical violation. Report the therapist.
NTA – report this ASAP
NTA and someone needs to report her. She should lose her license.
Omg this “therapist” needs to be reported. Sounds like she’s been grooming your friend in guise of providing her therapy. How sick.
I think it depends what you said that you regret if you are TA in your approach. But obviously someone needed to tell her this was inappropriate.
As a therapist, report this ASAP. This is not ethical AT ALL. It’s against the code of ethics for a reason. REPORT REPORT REPORT.
It’s not ok at all. You are NTA
Elise has been an influence in your friends life since she was 15. There is a power imbalance. Even if Elise doesn’t mean harm- she is. Clara has been badly treated by adults all her life and Elise is now taking advantage of her.
And as for it being legal- it is still grooming and Elise can and should loose her licence for dating any client. Let alone one she has so much control over.
This is not OK. Clara may not want to listen, but she is putting her trust and hopes in a person who is abusing her position of power over a traumatized teenager
Yiiiiikes. No, NTA at all. Elise needs to lose her job.
NTA. Report her. She’s a predator, it’s a violation of ethical conduct and it’s also grooming. Your friend might not realize it as she was groomed since she was 15.
NTA, report the therapist, tell Clara you love her and only want the best for her, apologize for raising your voice and saying the things you regret, but not for the stuff about Elise.
You’re not the asshole at all. That therapist is way out of line it doesn’t matter that she’s 18 now, the power imbalance is huge. You’re being a good friend for caring, even if she can’t see it yet.
NTA
That therapist should lose her license! It’s bad enough to date a client, but when you throw grooming into the mix as well…..I can’t say what I think should happen to this predator, but it’s very unpleasant
Elise should be reported to the licensing board.
Do some searching of her name, read her reviews, anonymously ask if anyone has experiences with her in local groups. Don’t ask leading questions – don’t hint anything – just ask about experiences.
I can almost guarantee you this isn’t the first time this has happened.
NTA – but your friend has been manipulated by this person for years and I assure you she is convinced it’s okay. So – you may have to just nod and go along until your friend realizes it for herself.
Holy shit not only is it an ethical violation to date your patient, but when you throw literal grooming into the mix, it’s a whole other level of awful. This woman preyed on your friend who is half her age and took complete advantage of all the information of your friends past and used it to her sick advantage. NTA. You really need to report this therapist.
If this is legit, that therapist is breaking all the guidelines for their profession. NTA
Jesus Christ that’s a serious breach of professional ethics and pedophilic
NTA. You did the right thing by saying something to your friend. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in a place to hear what you were saying, so I definitely would not push the subject any more with her, she will only push you away further.
You need to report the therapist. My therapist told me she couldn’t even say hi to me in public if she saw me, unless I approached her so I am beyond certain that this is a massive ethical violation. Google what the proper place is to report her in your location, and file that asap. She needs her license revoked.
Not a therapist, but I work in the behavioral health field. This isn’t allowed, period. Whether she’s an adult or not. It’s extremely unethical and her therapist needs to be reported ASAP. It also sounds like she’s been groomed as well. You’re right to be concerned
There is NO ethical relationship between a therapist and their client; there is not a single medical association that supports it. Because they cannot legally prevent it, the major associations usually give a time frame of between 2-5 years that a therapist and client would have to wait AFTER ending therapy before they could be romantically involved.
I genuinely wonder if the therapist would agree that they are seeing each other romantically or if this is something your friend has badly misinterpreted, but the correct answer here is to report the therapist to the state licensing board ASAP so that they can make that assessment.
NTA you need to report her therapist
NTA if you think your friend is serious this is happening, you need to report the therapist to her licensing board. This is highly unethical and would likely result in her losing her license to practice, as it should.
You really need to find out where this therapist works and report her to the people that run or own the business. She groomed an underage child and then claimed it was OK because now that she’s 18, it’s legal.
You dont have to say anything else to her. Report the therapist. Please report the therapist there is so much thats not OK with this
Nta- what Elise is doing is a huge red flag, the fact that she’s known Clara since she was 15 and waited till she was 18 to start officially dating SCREAMS grooming. This is not ok and needs to be reported, if you can get any proof, like texts saying they’re dating, maybe a timeline, that would help with any reports that should be done on Elise.
Whoa. The therapist is crossing.all.kinds of ethical boundaries. She needs to be reported.and lose her license.
This is not only morally reprehensible but it’s against the law. Report Elise, she is a predator!
NTA. That is a violation of the therapist rules. And if reported it could cost the therapist their job.
That lady is a predator. Report her.
NTA- The therapist abused her position and groomed your friend. I guarantee friend emphasized “it’s legal” because the therapist stressed it.
Nta! Report the therapist. That is extremely unprofessional. It sounds as if your friend was groomed by the therapist.
I have three professional therapists/psychologists in my family. OP, this whole situation is wildly unethical and is a reportable offense. I highly encourage you to do so on your friend’s behalf, because I have a feeling they won’t on their own.
If they are just dating that’s bad enough, but if they’re also still operating as therapist/patient? That’s enough for that therapist to lose their license. I am not kidding. There are rules about this that every psych professional agrees to adhere to when they take the job. They aren’t even allowed to be friends with patients, unless a certain amount of time has passed since the person was their client, and even then it depends on the type of treatment that was given and what the Ethics Board decides. Adding in that your friend was a minor when they met and that the therapist is so much older only makes the whole situation worse. Geez, very much NTA.
Either your friend has been groomed and is being preyed upon or she has become fixated on her therapist and now thinks they have a relationship. Either way this is seriously not good and this needs reporting so that the appropriate action can be taken. I don’t know if apologizing to your friend will help but you’re going to have to make a report and unfortunately this is likely to blow up what little friendship you have left.
NTA for highlighting grooming. Report the therapist.
Nta
Maybe you said some unkind things, but your friend isn’t seeing how this is wildly inappropriate.
Assuming your friend isn’t wildly misunderstanding what is happening, you need to find a way to report that therapist. Even if she is misunderstanding, the meetings outside of the sessions is definitely not a good idea by any means.
At 18 you know next to nothing compared to a 25 year old. You know nothing when compared to a 30 year old. What I thought I knew at 18 was wrong, who I was at 18 is so different from who I am now.
NTA.
But this is really, really tough for Clara.
Does your family by any chance feel comfortable housing her? Because soon she’s going to have nowhere to go.
I would ask your parents, and if they say yes, tell Clara that when she has nowhere to go, she can always call yourself home her home. And maybe have your parents tell her that themselves too, separately.
I would maybe offer to meet her for lunch. Watch their behavior, see when Clara feels uncomfortable or when Elise pulls something that makes Clara look unhappy. Then note it, and say hey, I want you to know that in the best relationship, what Elise said isn’t right. Hope you guys talked it out?
NTA! This is a huge breach of ethics for rhe therapist. Although going about it the way you did does not help. This needs to be brought up to the therapists control chain. The age difference and the fact she is still seeing her for therapy is a huge no no.
She has been groomed. Please report this “therapist”. Nobody has to know it was you who reported them.
NTA
You should be able to anonymously report the therapist. Your friend was groomed, at best. The ethics of a patient dating their therapist is there too, this therapist may be in breach of her certifications for it. Laws may have also been broken. Report the therapist. Let her profession sort the rest out.
NTA Report her therapist. She is a predator who groomed a child.
NTA. It is highly inappropriate, like she was being groomed. The therapist should be reported. It probably is against the ethical rules for the profession, which I suspect is governed by state law (if in the US). I would consider reporting the relationship. Probably who ever granted her license to practice.
NTA, your friend has been groomed.
Call the police or something that Therapist sound like a groomer and predator, and as she have known your friend since she was younger its very possible she is using all of the knowledge she have gotten from their sessions, to manipulate her to fall for her and control her.
And now your friend sees her as her savior or something.
NTA
It is unprofessional, unethical, and just kind of icky. If I’m not mistaken, this can also get the therapist fired and, depending, get her license revoked.
It is an imbalanced power dynamic. It sounds like the therapist engaged it as well.
I honestly think you should report the therapist. If you need help accessing the resources to do so, feel free to ask or dm me if you don’t feel comfortable announcing your decision. This is quite literally exactly what therapists are not supposed to do.
NTA but please report the therapist. Not only is this crossing work boundaries but she is also BLATANTLY grooming your friend. This person should never work around troubled kids EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.
NTA. Not only is this illegal, it’s also against all ethical codes. Doesn’t matter which professional organization she’s a part of, they all have basically the same stance on romantic relationships with clients.
You can Google search how to look up the therapist’s license so you know who to report it to and there’s a way to anonymously report so it will not come back on you.
NTA REPORT ELISE TO HER BOARD NOW this is one of the most repulsive things a therapist can do. She will be stripped of her license and never be aloud to work as a therapist ever again. Elise dating her client is bad enough, but she also groomed Clara for YEARS as a CHILD.
This is how my mother lost her license to practice! The guy was at least her age though.
This is not ok. She has been groomed. I am so sorry. NTA
Nta. Super inappropriate and if the board finds out, she will lose her license. Therapist aren’t ever supposed to date clients and that red line becomes radioactive when the sessions began when the patient was a minor. Your friend has been groomed by her therapist. This is some really sick abuse. It’s going to be a very long road to recovery and the first step is getting that therapist reported and possibly arrested if they can prove it began sooner than legal. Iys sick m
NTA! This is horrifying – and I’m with everyone else on reporting it! However I would kind of make sure that it’s actually happening and not your friend misinterpreting something. BY NO MEANS I want to suggest she is, but as everyone has said this could make the therapist lose her license and so far if I’m understanding correctly it’s based on your friend telling you about it on one occasion?
If true, it’s disgusting beyond words and I’m so sorry for your friends inevitable heartbreak.
No, that’s actually a crime and against multiple codes of ethics. You need to report the therapist to someone, depending what her credentials are or who she’s employed by.
Absolutely NTA, the therapist groomed her since she was 15 and only ‘waited’ for the legality? There was definitely more emotional attachment happening before then. If her therapist was a man there would be no question here. Therapist needs to lose her job and stay far, far away from children
100% grooming situation you should report the therapist!
NTA please please report this person to their licensing board. They should lose their license for this.
I’m a therapist, this is wildly unethical.
In my state this is the single most frequent reason therapists lose their licenses. It is a serious ethical violation. All licenced therapists take coursework about ethics and are aware of this most common violation.
Nta.
Even if you don’t say anything else to your friend, you need to report this therapist to whatever licensing board exists in your jurisdiction.
There is so much wrong with what “Elise” has done, I’m not even sure where to begin. NTA and NOR. This was grooming, plain and simple, and needs to be reported.
NTA, but telling this to Clara won’t help her at all. She is already so manipulated by this person that she cannot and will not see reason.
You can’t talk her out of it. You need to be telling the authorities instead (start with a parent or other trusted adult if you have one, the therapists boss, and the police). I’ll be real, doing so will probably destroy your friendship with Clara. But it will keep her safe.
a therapist grooming a vulnerable child until they’re old enough to date?
talk about a woman in a male-dominated field
Of course NTA
NTA it’s extremely immoral and unethical. A perfect exemple of grooming. She’s slowly seduced a minor when she was an adult and in a position of authority/power. Just because it’s “legal” now doesnt make it ok.
People like that therapist also rarely stop there. They’ll have multiple “partners” ( victims) at the same time or they’ll find a new one eventually cause the first one got too old.
It’s sucks cause your friend seems happier, but it’s all based on a very unhealthy situation. And it will be way worse if in a few years it fails, to have the only “good” thing in her life been a lie.
NTA-report the therapist
report her therapist NOW!!
That’s definitely both illegal and a violation of professional ethics.
She could (and SHOULD) have her license revoked.
Please report this therapist to your state’s licensing board. She should not be practicing.
Nope nope nope NTA at all!!! The only AH is the unethical therapist preying on a vulnerable teenager. OP, I am a masters student in a counseling program and one of the first things they tell us (even in undergrad) is that it is ALWAYS unethical to have a romantic relationship with a client. And that goes for a counselor and client who are both 30+, so the fact that your friend just turned 18 makes it so much worse. Please report this counselor, she is an embarrassment and a disgrace to this profession and needs to lose her license. If she is doing this with your friend, she is likely doing the same to others. Trust me, your friend may not see how dangerous this is now, but when she is older, she will realize what an awful person this “counselor” is.
Report the therapist immediately. Expect to lose the friendship. Understand that it’s worth the loss to do the right thing and save your friend from years of grooming and abuse.
Your friend was GROOMED
A groomer who works with vulnerable children for that reason is what that “therapist” is.
You need to inform on this therapist, who will lose her license for this. This is absolutely forbidden in therapy, and it will cause untold harm to your friend.
NTA. If Elise is a licensed therapist, this relationship is a major violation of her professional ethics and should be reported.
NTA that’s a huge red flag. I’ve heard that therapists arent even supposed to be friends with their clients, so a romantic relationship is a huge breach of guidelines.
NTA.
Consider reporting the therapist (for all the reasons others are naming).
That said, while there are absolutely therapists this abhorrent (it does happen far too often) and while it’s rare that people falsely report abuse (and this is abuse), it may also make sense to be open to the possibility that Clara could be describing a fantasy of her’s that isn’t actually happening.
So if you do report make sure you’re being factually accurate with what you know and don’t. Everything in your post is something Clara told you. So it’s important to report this as “my friend told me she’s dating her therapist who has known her since she was a very vulnerable minor, these are the dates she has told me about, etc.” rather than “my friend is dating her therapist…”
The appropriate authorities or licensing board have a process for sorting out and/ or substantiating complaints.
The scary part of this is WHY it is illegal and unethical. Elise is using Clara’s desperation for love and acceptance against her. She has violated all ethical and professional boundaries. When the relationship dissolves Clara will be devastated with no therapist!!! You wouldn’t hesitate to report a male therapist. This is wrong!
Please report the therapist if you can or tell a trusted family member. Your friend has been groomed and this is highly inappropriate the therapist should not be having any type of romantic relationship with her clients especially one is barely legal.
Elise groomed her and abused her power as a therapist. It doesn’t matter that she’s 18 now; therapists aren’t allowed to date their patients, ever.
NTA and report Elise to her licensing board. If you want help, DM me and I’m happy to get that information for you. I’ve done this before for other friends.
Nta….. first. It’s normal for you to feel replaced. Navigating school is hard… and when you find a friend that clicks it’s hard when they aren’t there for you
I agree the therapist needs reported … but that too may be daunting at 18 for you. However.. try to look at it as one of the first of many hard things you will have to do in life
My suggestions would be to either call child protective services (only because it’s an anonymous reporting line & you can start with them for guidance on whom you should report to). Or look up the state Medical board where you live … and they will likely tell you .. you will have to put it in writing and .. sadly don’t be shocked if they tell you the person you’re reporting gets to know who filed (at least this is how FL is)
I’m in the medical field. This is grooming. This is not ok. But sadly… it’s harder to report than what you may be anticipating (at least try to report)
“It’s legal”… No, it is not legal for a therapist to be romantically involved with a client.
I realize laws depend on location so this may not be true everywhere, but it is definitely a serious ethical violation, even without the age difference.