my parents had a baby boy the year before i was born (1998). he was born really premature and unfortunately only lived three days. today is his birthday – he would have been 27. so, here we are 27 years later, and my parents were fortunately blessed with three kids… we are 25, 24, and 21.
now, i understand how heartbreaking child loss is – i am NOT SAYING that my parents simply need to “forget” or “get over it”. but in all my 25 years of living, i’ve had to deal with both of my parents being extremely emotional (angry, depressed, moody) during this time of year – the week of his birth/passing. yesterday, my parents did something that really hurt one of my sister’s feelings (they crossed a huge boundary) and when she asked if they could all sit down and talk about it, my dad COMPELTELY spazzed at her – yelling and screaming, upset at “her tone” and saying that she doesn’t just “demand that they have a talk”. i felt bad for her – i watched her shut down and dissociate.
sometimes, especially as the oldest kid or their “rainbow baby”, i’ve felt that i’ve had to live up to this baby (who would have been their only son btw) and that i, including my sisters, will never be enough for them. i feel that it’s unfair for us to have to continuously deal with my parents feelings and attitude around his death when we are right here! (is that insensitive?)
i feel like an absolute asshole because i cannot IMAGINE the utter heartbreak from the loss of my brother but, it’s been twenty. seven. years. my (extremely religious) parents have ever been through therapy about anything – they more so just prayed the sadness away but i think that at this point, they both need to see someone to fully process his death.
am i the asshole for thinking this/feeling this way?
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my parents had a baby boy the year before i was born (1998). he was born really premature and unfortunately only lived three days. today is his birthday – he would have been 27. so, here we are 27 years later, and my parents were fortunately blessed with three kids… we are 25, 24, and 21.
now, i understand how heartbreaking child loss is – i am NOT SAYING that my parents simply need to “forget” or “get over it”. but in all my 25 years of living, i’ve had to deal with both of my parents being extremely emotional (angry, depressed, moody) during this time of year – the week of his birth/passing. yesterday, my parents did something that really hurt one of my sister’s feelings (they crossed a huge boundary) and when she asked if they could all sit down and talk about it, my dad COMPELTELY spazzed at her – yelling and screaming, upset at “her tone” and saying that she doesn’t just “demand that they have a talk”. i felt bad for her – i watched her shut down and dissociate.
sometimes, especially as the oldest kid or their “rainbow baby”, i’ve felt that i’ve had to live up to this baby (who would have been their only son btw) and that i, including my sisters, will never be enough for them. i feel that it’s unfair for us to have to continuously deal with my parents feelings and attitude around his death when we are right here! (is that insensitive?)
i feel like an absolute asshole because i cannot IMAGINE the utter heartbreak from the loss of my brother but, it’s been twenty. seven. years. my (extremely religious) parents have ever been through therapy about anything – they more so just prayed the sadness away but i think that at this point, they both need to see someone to fully process his death.
am i the asshole for thinking this/feeling this way?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i told my parents that they need to see a therapist and heal from my brother’s death 27 years ago. this may make me seem like an asshole for being insensitive towards their experience and feelings.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m so sorry. If you can’t get therapy for them I recommend you all get it for yourself. Hell even if you can get them to go I still suggest it.
You deserve better
Hard to say without examples of how they get moody, and what they did that hurt your sister, but probably NTA and I hope they get some help.
NTA
I think your parents are right to mourn their child as you said, but they need to realize they have 3 children who are here, who they need to be there for too.
I’m really sorry that you feel you have to live up to whatever standards they had set for him before you were born. In your 25 years of life you should’ve never had to feel like that. I hope your parents eventually realize therapy can be useful for things like these and that your relationship doesn’t become more strained than it sounds like it is.
NTA, 27 years is more than enough time to develop healthy coping skills. They’re keeping themselves in a toxic cycle under the guise of getting help through the church, but what they really need is intensive therapy. I’m so sorry for all of you, it’s truly unfair on everyone
NTA. You’re never the asshole for what you are thinking or what you’re feeling. What would make you wrong in this situation is if you made an ultimatum or a demand of your parents. You can’t force them to fix the damage that they have been carrying around for more than a quarter of a century, no matter how unhealthy it is for them and the rest of your family. What you can do is refuse to put up with it, and limit your contact with them if they continue to be unreasonable when they go into these periods of grief.
NTA – it appears you told your parents what they need to hear. Whether or not they listen is a different matter. Not to take a shot at “people of faith”, or actual people of faith, but your parents sound ungrateful. They would rather maintain their relationship with someone who lived three days and is gone than their relationships with their three surviving children. I am surprised you associate with your parents at all given how they treat you.
I hope there is a chance for you and your siblings to process and heal from what was, and remains, a hugely dysfunctional family.
Wanting your parents to process their grief and carry it more mindfully around their children is not an asshole desire to have. NTA.
Why would suggesting therapy be insensitive? It’s exactly the opposite. It’s recognizing that they still have this pain that they haven’t dealt with it. I’ve never lost a child, so I don’t know their pain, but it was their first born and only boy, so I get it. It was the child that made two people a family. The real question is, have they made you feel less loved because of the hurt that they still feel? Have they not been there for you during the big moments because of that pain?
You are NTA for feeling the way you do, maybe speaking to a therapist yourself would help and they can help bring up ways to talk to your parents about how you feel?
I do think talking to them would be good but maybe not near the time of his birthday just because they may be more receptive to listening during other times of the year.
NTA.
I feel for your parents I really do.
Almost exactly a year before I was born, my mother had a stillborn baby boy. She was 9 months along with him and due to go into labor any day instead he died. When she got pregnant with me she was convinced I was that baby boy coming back to her especially considering my due date was so close to his. I came out as a girl though, so just imagine her heartbreak. We have a good relationship now, but it definitely affected how she treated me growing up.
So I also get where you are coming from too. It’s hard to live up to a ghost.
Maybe wait until their moods stabilize a bit to bring up the need for therapy though. Doing it now, when their emotions are so high will only be counterproductive. Take this time to write your feelings and thoughts out – so you can try to bring it up to them in a rational and caring manner. Ask your sisters to do the same. Maybe even write out exactly what you want to say to them. Let them know you understand their grief but that it is negatively affecting their relationship with their remaining kids.
NTA.
Grief leaves scars. In this case, it seems those scars have locked your parents into a cycle of destructive behaviour.
The tricky thing is, they won’t even see what this is doing to themselves or their three living children, and at this point, you and your siblings probably can’t reach them, and trying would do more damage than it resolved.
They will need therapy to move past this. If you feel strong enough, suggest it to them. If not, that’s okay too. But do seek some help for yourself and encourage your sisters to do the same.
I lost my brother seventeen years ago. (He was an adult, but still young when he passed.) My dad was on the same path your parents are on. It took my mum and I a long time to draw him back from the brink. (It also took some brutally hard conversations for him to see there was even an issue.)
Take care of yourself. Seek support. And I am so sorry you had to grow up in the shadow of someone who never had a chance to become more than an idealized memory.
Your parents need therapy and you need to understand that traumaversaries are. For
Life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been one year, 27 years, or 87 years. Your parents will always miss your brother and always have a hard time on anniversaries. That’s not an excuse to yell so much that someone dissociates, but you guys sound dismissive of their pain.
Your parents will eternally miss your brother and they can also love you. Nothing you could do or be would make them not miss your brother or have a hard time on traumaversaries. Idk if they are making you feel like you have to live up to him or make up to him by doing certain actions or if as their children you see them sad and you think that somehow this is your fault when it isn’t. Surviving siblings are never responsible for their parents pain. And yet that pain will always be there.
Even though apparently I’m gonna get down, voted ESH I honestly think the people who are telling you that you are NTA have never lost anybody.
Seek therapy as a family. Check out “It Didn’t Start with You” by Mark Wollyn
NTA
I’m not sure I’m getting the full picture from your post, but it sounds like your parents are not dealing with his death in a healthy way and it’s been affecting your lives majorly, negatively, ever since. That is NOT the way.
I’d say you have the right to defend yourself from what very well might be emotional abuse, even if their behaviour stems from grief.
They should get therapy to process his death, and likely you all should get therapy to deal with the effect it’s had on all your lives.
Personal story: my inlaws lost their first baby. A year later they had another, my SIL, and then 2 years later they had my husband.
They grieved and do grief their baby. Every year on his birthday they take the day off to grieve their baby, even 30+ years later now. Everyone knows he’s their first child. But everyone also knows and prioritises their two living children.
We are having a baby boy later this year, and his second name will be after his uncle in the stars because it feels like an honour to keep his memory alive in that way.
Something like that is how you should be able to remember your sibling, not by everyday life being negatively impacted by parents who never healed from the trauma.
I hope you and your younger siblings are able to find comfort in each other and in knowing you don’t deserve mistreatment because of your parents trauma. I hope for all of your sakes that your parents will come to see that, too, and find help for themselves
NTA. They clearly need help of some kind, because, while it is not at all wrong for them to grieve, the way in which they are grieving is harmful to them and to you and your sisters. It is normal and understandable that they continue to mourn their son, but it is not okay for them to lash out at or neglect or otherwise hurt you and your sisters because they are mourning.
When they chose to have more children after the death of their son, they made a commitment to love and care for those children, and when they found that their grief was creating obstacles and causing harm in their relationships with you and your sisters, they should have sought help to enable them to process, to grieve, and to have healthy parental relationships with all of their kids. They owed that to you, and I’m sorry they haven’t taken that step.
NTA….my parents had a baby boy who died of cancer at 18 months old (this was 47 years ago). My parents never talked about him except going to his grave on his birthday and Christmas. My grandma told me about him when I was little when I found a photo album. My parents had two girls born 1 year and 5 years (me) after he died. My parents were so controlling and sheltered us a lot. I can’t imagine what they went through, but I’m sure it affected how they raised me and my sister. I don’t think they ever really dealt with his death….
“Why did my daughter go no contact?”
Yup, it’s a mystery, alright.
NTA. Grief does demand to be felt, but it also needs to be worked through. Loving and remembering their son who is passed is important and not anything they should give up–which I know you recognize– but remaining so unhealed for nearly three decades that it negatively impacts their other children and their relationship with them is not okay.
When you really love someone, the best and most loving thing that you can do for them is to be honest with them. Even when it hurts, and especially when it’s difficult. I’ve come to realize and have said to my own parents that your family are the people that you should be able to be the most open with and rely on the most, so if you’re not all being honest when it really counts, what is the point? Telling your parents that it’s time to really work through and try to heal from their loss was an extremely brave and loving thing to do, for them and for your living siblings, and for yourself. It was an important and necessary step. Try not to beat yourself up over it..you did the right thing.
Definitely the result of never getting therapy. Just pass your trauma continuously onto everyone else forever. Typical boomers. Far out.
NTA: I lost our daughter in 1998. She was a 5 1/2mo still-born. Our rainbow baby daughter will be 26 this yr so very close to your situation.
Therapy suggested at a time no where near the anniversary of the loss. That’s a start. I honestly believe that it is the loss of the son. Especially for dad. Could even be for mom. I always wanted an older brother so was wanting a son as my 1st. Got him 2nd. Also, if there were losses prior to the 1998 (I had another at only 2mo along in 1992) that would make seeing the actual body of the lost son would be extremely hard.
There should be some closure by now.
BTW you can’t make them get therapy but seeing a therapist yourself might help learn how to deal with them
NTA. My brother died in childbirth and my parents were obviously devastated. But they celebrated him! On his birthday we’d have a special dinner and talk about who we’d think he’d be or what things he’d have liked during the year. His grave was near the playground at church so on Sundays we’d go, we’d leave flowers we picked and tell him what we’d gotten up to.
I’m sorry your parents couldn’t find a healthier way to adapt but it’s time they finally start.
NTA. The living child should be the focus of the parents. Grieving is a right, but so is stable parenting. From what i gather, you sound like a considerate person who is afraid to hurt your parents even if it means that you will be the one hurt.
They need assistance. Suggest their pastor (or other religious leader) to help them. Many study some psychology and counseling and can bring it in from a religious perspective, which they may identify with better. They were blessed with more children, their duty is to them. Maybe a yearly special service can be set up (if it hasn’t been) so the feelings can wait for that day
NTA. They need therapy, faith based therapy, or a caring religious leader to assist them
NTA I understand it’s sad to lose a kid but don’t take it out on your other kids not to sound insensitive but at least around you guys they have to maybe calm down a bit about it
YTA, you don’t know how it feels until you experience it yourself. They lost their first baby ever. He was small and tiny and he left. They made it through together which is hard. Apologize to them. But if anything it shows how much they love you. If they lost you imagine how sad they’d feel. It’s a testament of their love. It’s beautiful cherish it. Don’t blame them or feel you have to live up to anything. You living is enough for them.
I hate the term “rainbow baby”. You can be a rainbow parent but that child after a loss did not go through your storm. They are not the rainbow, they can be the light that shines in to make you a rainbow, but they did not endure the storm. Stop putting that loss on a child so their very existence is always tinged with a loss they never knew.
Also NTA, that truly is difficult to lose a child however reacting against your living children is not productive. That baby only knew love, now show your living children the same
NTA – Your parents are adults and it’s their responsibility to manage their emotions and show you, their kids, how to do the same. Being a parent isn’t a perfect job. People mess up. Who in life has all the answers and only makes good choices? They’re human. But they’re your parents and it’s on them to get it together for their living children. It sounds like they would benefit from some therapy. While it can make sense to manage grief by memorializing it every year, it should not be taking up so much emotional space that it interferes with your other relationships or responsibilities.
Oh God no. I am so sorry. The way you feel is valid. If the parents won’t go to therapy, you and the siblings should, it’s a lot to unpack and heal.
NTA at all
Nta. Your parents need therapy. Religion is bullshit
Soft YTA
You not an AH for feeling the way you do. However, you can’t do anything to make them change their process in dealing with their grief. Its not your place to ask that they change how they are processing it (even if it’s not entirely healthy) from the perspective of how it effects you and your siblings. As hurtful as their feeling and their expression might be for you and your sisters, as long as they’re not doing anything to intentionally hurt you, you need to respect their needs.
It seems like you and your sisters feel your in competition with a ghost; and that’s not entirely unreasonable to have some feelings about the situation of that nature. However, that’s a completely different relationship. Just like how your parents have a different relationship with each other, they have different relationships with their siblings etc. You’re all family, but under different circumstances that result in different relationships. Your brother who never came to be is still you sibling, but has a different relationship with everyone given the circumstance of never being born. Have you all considered going to therapy to process your feelings with your parents? Or do you just think therapy is something that will “fix” the problem of their emotions being a public/family problem that only your parents should go through?
All that being said, you don’t have to deal with their emotions. You’re all adults. You can leave them by themselves and make boundaries for yourself that you won’t be subjected to that. You can remove yourself from the situation.
NTA. It’s totally valid to want your parents to heal for everyone’s sake. Grieving doesn’t mean ignoring you guys!!